


Rediscovering Bucky Barnes

by HMarvels31



Series: Rebuilding Bucky Barnes [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-HYDRA Bucky Barnes, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Rehabilitation, Romance, Steve Rogers Feels, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-08-22 10:25:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 55
Words: 117,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8282530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HMarvels31/pseuds/HMarvels31
Summary: Kayleigh Stone was an average woman. She came from average, working class parents in Wisconsin, and did her best to just simply fit in. She was smart, did well in school, and managed to keep herself involved in at least one sport, mainly to keep her father happy, also to be able to eat incredulous amounts of pizza and not feel the need to pick her body apart. However, after moving to Chicago and getting a Bachelor's Degree in Social Work, and her Master's in Psychology, the world was turned upside down when New York City was attacked by Aliens. After moving as part of the support worker initiative, Kayleigh found herself employed by none other than Stark Industries after an emotional run in with Steve Rogers. Now that Steve Roger's childhood best friend is part of the mix, it's become Kayleigh's job to try and find the man that HYDRA tried to destroy within his body to create the Winter Soldier. Can she prevail? Or will her characteristically soft heart manage to get in the way?





	1. Prologue

Kayleigh Stone was an average woman. She came from average, working class parents in Wisconsin, and did her best to just simply fit in. She was smart, did well in school, and managed to keep herself involved in at least one sport, mainly to keep her father happy, also to be able to eat incredulous amounts of pizza and not feel the need to pick her body apart. She learned to play an instrument, started working as soon as she got her driver’s license – first try – and got into two of her top three universities. 

However, once Kayleigh moved to the big city of Chicago to go to school, she discovered that average was understatement of the year. She may as well have been a brick on the wall. Classes engulfed her, the need to get the same kind of grades as in high school overpowering. Her parents were borderline overbearing, trying to go visit her every other weekend, even if she was weighed down with assignments. Kayleigh became the stereotypical ramen-eating, struggling to get through college kid whose face was nothing more than another student in the crowd. It bothered her, the idea that her existence could be so non-affecting to the world. So she changed her major, became a social worker. Received her degree and then attained a Master’s in Psychology at age twenty-five. That was when her world changed.  
That was when everyone’s world changed.

Aliens came out of the sky, and attacked New York City. The Avengers defeated them, but the cost was high. So many people were injured or traumatized that there wasn’t enough support systems in the city to help handle the fallout. So, fresh out of school, Kayleigh Stone packed up her tiny little dorm room and headed to the Big Apple as part of a government sponsored initiative to help provide support care workers to the affected people of New York. 

For an entire year she worked tirelessly, seeing an above-average number of clients, working fifty-hour weeks, the stress and trauma of these people wearing on her. The one day a week she gave herself off became a kind of heaven in itself. For that one day she could sit, cry and eat ice cream, unable to comprehend how much some of these people lost. She could clean her apartment, go for a walk or buy groceries. She could sit and stare out the window and wonder how some people could be so strong as to rebuild their lives the way some of her clients had. She could simply be thankful for what she had in her life. 

Her parents continued on their over-protective streak, although their visits had been restricted to once a month. Kayleigh would never be able to get any work done if they continued insisting on trying to visit her every other week. Her apartment in Manhattan was tiny, hardly five hundred square feet, but the agency employing her helped foot part of the bill so that she was actually able to live in the area they had her working in. The view was spectacular, and if Kayleigh crouched slightly at her window and looked up she could see the tops of the trees of Central Park in the distance. Stark Tower was also in view, something that she reiterated to her parents time and time again. Nobody was going to mess with anyone who lived that close to the Avengers. She was perfectly safe. 

It was about fourteen months after having moved that she received a call from the office on a Sunday. Having hardly woken up, Kayleigh answered the call without first checking the call ID, and immediately regretted it. An emergency client, the receptionist said, amidst apologies of contacting her on her day off. They could reschedule her Monday appointments to make up for it. 

Begrudgingly she agreed, as this client was already on their way to the office and nobody else was around. It was strange, seeing as Kayleigh was literally the low-dog on the totem pole at work; it must have been the fact that it was simply Sunday and nobody else wanted to work that she was called. It hadn’t taken her long to realize she would take whatever cases she could get after many of the clients from the attack were finally into a recovery process that didn’t require them coming in every single week. The other support workers liked to work the long hard hours, because they liked the pay that came with it. Even if it meant that some of the other employee’s had to work second jobs. 

Dressing almost too casually for work in a pair of scarlet skinny jeans, a tank top with a cream cardigan and boots, Kayleigh quickly shrugged on a light jacket to help fight off the wind, grabbed her purse and left the apartment, deciding against cabbing the four blocks. If she cabbed both ways it wouldn’t even make it worth it to work on a day off. 

Once in, it was not only the client who was signing confidentiality paperwork. Two government officials were there, insisting upon the utmost secrecy. Kayleigh was baffled – it was her job to keep client’s information confidential – there was no need for extra measures. 

Then she found out why. The emergency client was none other than Steve Rogers, who had been brought in by Tony Stark. 

“Hi, I’m Dr. Stone,” she introduced herself, quickly recovering from the shock of the two superheroes seated in her office. 

“Dr. Stone, Tony Stark,” he introduced himself, quickly offering her a hand to shake. Rogers sat there, staring at the floor, and she could tell immediately this was all but an intervention for the Captain. 

“This is Steve Rogers. You know it’s bad when he can’t even be polite,” Stark teased, and while Kayleigh nodded she wasn’t sure she could be of help. If Rogers didn’t want it, he could simply refuse. 

“Would you mind? I’d just like to speak to him for a few minutes,” she asked, and without a word Tony left the office, shutting the door behind him. Steve hadn’t moved so much as a muscle, and Kayleigh sat down in her chair and crossed one leg over the other, simply watching him. 

“Aren’t you going to tell me I’m a mess?” he asked, finally turning his head to spare her a glance. His eyes were just as blue as they were in pictures in magazines or on the television, she decided. 

“No. You don’t need me to tell you that,” she replied, and swore she almost caught the corner of a smile before he returned his stare to the ground. 

“I can’t help you if you don’t want it, Steve. That’s the biggest part of all of this. You have to want to help yourself,” she quietly told him, and he let out a sigh that seemed to shake his whole body. 

“I don’t know if I can. I don’t think I can forgive myself,” he spoke softly to the floor, his voice just carrying over to her. 

“Can I ask what happened? Off the record,” she put her hands up to signify her truth, and he finally sat up properly. The bags beneath his eyes were dark and purple, and Steve looked pale, no hint of color in his cheeks or his lips. 

“Surely you know the story…?” he asked, and when she raised an eyebrow he chuckled. Of course she knew some basics about Captain America – skinny kid from Brooklyn who got Super Soldier’d in World War Two to fight the Nazi’s. Went down with a ship carrying the bombs that would have destroyed the USA. Was found and thawed out not too long ago and had been part of the Avenger’s since. 

“When… well I had wanted to join the Army anyway… but my best friend Bucky. He got in. It made me want to join even more, to be there with him and keep an eye on him. He was a bit of a punk,” he chuckled. “But he was my best friend. Practically my brother – he was all I had after my mom died.” 

Something about the story struck Kayleigh’s memory. Maybe she did know something about this man. 

“Okay,” 

“He… he died. We were taking a Nazi train to get to Zola and I couldn’t get to him in time. He fell off the train and down the mountain and it was my fault.” 

There it was. He was feeling insane guilt, probably had some severe PTSD that he’d shoved away to the back of his mind and something brought it back. Maybe it was an anniversary; either that of Bucky’s birth or his death. 

“Why do you think it was your fault?” 

“It was my fault he was on that train, my fault he got blown out of it. I’m the one who couldn’t get to him in time,” Steve answered immediately. 

“So it’s your fault that a soldier in the army was fighting for the army?” she asked, and he shot her a stern look. 

“No, damnit. _I _put together the team to come with me on missions, _I _chose Bucky. _I _put him on that damn train with me and _I’m _the one who couldn’t save him,” he answered, the tears back in his eyes.________

“I thought I’d come to terms with it after the war. Swore I’d hunt down and put an end to HYDRA once and for all for what happened to him. Then… then…” he swallowed hard, and she leaned forward in her chair, sensing the real reason for his visit was approaching. 

“Then I saw him,” he whispered, and she felt like he’d managed to punch her in the chest. Was Captain America crazy? 

“You saw him?” she repeated, and he nodded. His eyes told her that while he was here with her, his mind was not. He was reliving whatever encounter this had been.

“He’s the Winter Soldier. He didn’t die at the bottom of the mountain… and I never went looking for him. Maybe I could have saved him…” he trailed off, before shaking his head. He looked back at her, and she could see him trying to disassociate himself with what he was saying. It was a common coping mechanism. 

“He lived, after he fell, and he was captured. They tortured him, experimented on him, froze him somehow in time… and turned him into a machine. They made him into something he’d hate, and he doesn’t even know who he is. He doesn’t even know who I am,” he explained, breaking down in honest again. It shocked her, to try and rationalize what he was saying. 

A World War Two veteran had died, but not really, and was now here working for the wrong team without knowing it. 

Well, Captain America was in front of her, so it’s not like it was truly that far-fetched. 

“Okay. So you feel responsible for the outcome? Of what he is?” she asked, and Steve nodded. 

“Of course. If I’d got to him he wouldn’t have fallen off the train. If I’d insisted they look for him, maybe they wouldn’t have found him and subjected him to all that. Either way means he wouldn’t have been tortured and destroyed to become that,” he spat out the word, unable to even voice what they’d done to his friend. 

Her heart broke a little, hearing the pain ripping through the Nation’s hero in front of her. Although it wasn’t necessarily common professional practice, Kayleigh could tell he needed more than a simple ‘there, there’ and a sad smile. She moved over to the small couch and, after hesitating a moment, wrapped her arms around the large super soldier. He only paused for a moment before leaning against her and letting it out. It was only with small surprise that he didn’t try to hide the emotions wracking his frame from her, and instead let her hold him as he let them out. 

Kayleigh lost track of how long they sat there, but Steve’s tears had long dried and his sobs had quieted away by the time either of them made a move to pull away. 

“Did you want to talk about it? Why don’t you tell me about Bucky?” she asked, and soon had Steve off about stories of two kids from Brooklyn in the thirties. It was easy to tell from the light in his eyes that he was in a better place talking about them, and Kayleigh’s notebook remained sat on her desk as she simply listened. It was obvious that was what the Captain really needed. 


	2. 1

Fast forward eight months, and she was no longer technically living in that apartment. It’s still rented out, available to Kayleigh whenever she wanted, but usually she tended to stay in her quarters at Stark Tower. They’re larger, with more windows and a far better view. 

Also, she never has to worry about last-minute call ins. Kayleigh is always right there for anybody who needs her. 

After working with Steve for several months after he’d discovered Bucky was indeed alive and being used as a HYDRA asset, Tony had enlisted Kayleigh Stone as part of Stark Industries, mainly to help out the Avengers. Many of them had some psychological tendencies that could use some therapy; Steve and Tony suffered from severe PTSD, Natasha had a lifetime worth of repressed issues that would bubble to the surface now and then and cause issue. Bruce just liked to talk it out, it helped him keep a level head, and so she found herself with the job opportunity of a lifetime. She was making better money – although Kayleigh had argued Tony down a bit, considering the perks – her apartment and quarters were both being paid for and Tony always had a vehicle ready for her to use whenever she wanted. It was wonderful. 

Being immersed in the world of superheroes was more difficult to get used to. Having a bruised and beaten Steve Rogers knock on your door at two am after returning from a particularly emotionally grueling mission and trying to get your own brain sorted out enough to help him could be difficult. But she loved it. They were, in a weird way, her family. 

Kayleigh was trained, though, due to Steve’s insistence. Natasha took her through some basic hand-to-hand combat and self-defense moves. She also taught Kayleigh how to fire a weapon and she went through six weeks of training with her to ensure she could at least try to defend herself should anything go south. Tony assured her multiple times that the tower was the safest place for anyone – which Kayleigh already knew – but when it came to her, he figured better safe than sorry. She knew more about each of his teammates than they probably knew about each other. That could be dangerous. 

The worst part, had been the failed dating attempt between Steve and herself. He’d been pushed by Natasha to ask her out, because they connected so well, and while Kayleigh had argued with her – seeing as technically she'd been his therapist, and still was in a sense that he could come see her literally whenever he needed to. But soon they had not only Natasha, but Tony and even Thor pushing and hinting at it. 

Three dates later they had discovered that yes, much better as just friends. They tried kissing once or twice but had that awkwardness that couldn’t be shaken. But, to keep everybody else off of their cases, they still took to being each other’s dinner dates, company to the movies, and even hanging out at each other’s places to eat or watch movies or play video games for several more weeks without saying a word of the platonic nature of the relationship to anyone. Things were easier that way. 

Natasha was upset when she found out, but ultimately she understood. Like with Clint; the two of them were so inherently platonic and almost like family to each other that there was no way they could ever have been more. Kayliegh was the Natasha to Steve’s Clint, and they were more than okay with that. 

But what didn’t get easier was trying to cope with the bits of anxiety even Kayleigh got when they left for missions. Wondering who would come back bloody or beaten, with broken bones or concussions was difficult for her. She wasn’t good at compartmentalizing; when she felt something, she felt all of it. Fear, happiness, sadness, all of it. There as no way her brain could classify it as ‘part of the job’ and not freak out over them the entire time they were gone. At least Tony had full body armor; that at least helped ease Kayleigh's mind a teeny tiny bit. 

Steve still talked about Bucky on occasion, but she soon came to the realization that she was the only person he really talked to about him. Maybe it was because they’d met under such stressful and emotional circumstances for him that he felt Kayleigh understood, or that it just felt like he could, she had no idea. She was grateful though, because it was still a wound for him. He didn’t know how to deal with how he felt about Bucky’s death and reappearance, or the fact that there hadn’t been a trace of him since to try and rescue him. So she simply tried to help him through as best as she could. On top of that, Kayleigh also refused to speak about whatever Steve said to her with anybody else, because she didn’t want to betray his trust. Steve didn’t come see her in the office like a therapist anymore, but it was on unsaid agreement that when they talked about those sorts of thing the same rules applied.

Being a friend to someone who you also counsel could be one hell of a mess sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to change from first person to third person; it's just been easier to tell the details of the story that way. I hope you still enjoy it!


	3. Chapter 3

“Dr. Stone, sorry to bother you, but your assistance is requested on fourth floor as soon as possible,” 

The voice of JARVIS still startled her on occasion, as polite as he was. Kayleigh had been processing some paperwork for a few of Stark Industries’ clients who’d began seeing her informally; just once or twice a month to check in with what they were having trouble coping with on their own. She liked to have both a written copy as well as hard copy in the computer of all of the files, just to be safe, and had been in the middle of copying them out when she was interrupted. Instead her heart was pounding as it tried to escape from her chest in fear, although she was chiding herself for nearly falling off of her chair.

“Thank you JARVIS, any idea what for?” she asked, standing and stretching slightly. Good, she didn't sound as frightened as she actually had been.

“I believe your assessment services are needed. Best bring your laptop,” he advised, so quickly she gathered said computer into her bag and made her way to the elevator. With JARVIS assisting her, she didn’t even need to press the button. As soon as the doors had closed she was making her way to the fourth floor. She could hear the commotion, and quickly made her way down the winding hall toward what appeared to be a lab. Everyone was inside, and she slipped in, trying to stay out of the way before what appeared to be a containment room was visible. 

“What on earth is going on in here?” she asked. Steve didn’t appear to even acknowledge her existence, but Bruce finally did. Judging from Steve’s reactions – or lack of – Kayleigh had a sneaking suspicion of what had happened.

“They found him. It was a weird mix between him turning himself in and being captured – I don’t know exactly how it all went down yet,” he explained, taking Kayleigh’s elbow gently and weaving through a mix of some agents as well as the other Avengers so she could see what had happened. 

Bucky Barnes. The Winter Soldier had finally been found. She immediately looked to Steve, who appeared to be in shock. He was frozen in place, eyes wide and staring but somehow unseeing at the same time. Understandably so, since his biggest fear and regret was not being able to save his best friend. The other Avengers looked wary and exhausted. Talk about turmoil in the office. 

“Dr. Stone, there you are,” Tony soon gestured her over. She could see that the Soldier looked emotionless, but they had wrestled him onto an industrial strength hospital bed and he was currently being secured to it. A special cuff that essentially de-activated his metal left arm was also being used, although he didn’t appear to be resisting. Kayleigh's breath caught in her throat, finally seeing the man who her best friend beat himself up over nearly every single day in person. It was like seeing somebody she knew intimately for the first time; she felt like she knew James Barnes inside and out thanks to Steve, even though she had never met him.

“We need you to do an assessment of Barnes, if you don’t mind. We’ll have guards, we’ll make sure you’re in no danger at all,” he assured her, but it was like she was captivated by the man in front of her. 

“I don’t think you have to worry about that. He’s not resisting in the slightest,” she answered, and could see Tony about to argue. 

“They can be outside the door. This is supposed to be confidential, after all,” she told him, ignoring his attempts at changing her mind. 

“Everybody go shower up, get some food and relax,” she quickly ushered them. Steve stood rooted to the ground, and she placed a hand on his shoulder softly.   
“You okay?” she whispered, and he shook his head. 

“He doesn’t know who I am. He doesn’t speak, he flinches when somebody tries to touch him…” he choked out, eyes still locked on the lanky hair hanging from his best friend’s head. The man looked like he hadn’t been well kept for a long time, Kayleigh could tell from here. 

A tight hug told her Steve was about ready to break down, so she asked Pepper to please make sure he got to his quarters, and to keep an eye on him for the next little while. Kayleigh knew that he would have the hardest time of all of this. A soft smile, which Steve couldn't make himself return, and then she pulled him in once more and rubbed his back for a moment, murmuring that she'd make sure to take care of Bucky for him, and that she'd see him as soon as possible. Steve could only breathe out a thank you before letting Pepper lead him out of the lab, his eyes never leaving his childhood best friend until the door was closing behind him.

“A moment, please,” she stepped into the containment room, and saw the guards freeze. The man now lying on the bed didn’t do so much as blink, he simply stared at the ceiling. She was afraid maybe they’d damaged his brain with their wiping and freezing of him. 

“But ma’am…” 

“Does he look like a threat to me? It’s bad enough you’ve tied him down,” she cut them off, her stern voice on show for them. “You can wait outside the door if you really think it’s necessary.” 

After a few moments of hesitation both officers did just that. They let the door close behind them, which Kayleigh knew made the room sound-proof, and through the glass she saw them both get chairs and station themselves by the door in case anything should go south. 

With care Kayleigh made her way to the bed that Bucky Barnes was restrained on, and was met with empty eyes. They were a beautiful blue, but there was no life behind them that she could see. She moved to try and take his pulse, and snapped her hand back when he flinched as hard as a two hundred and some pound man could. He expected pain. 

“Hello, I’m Dr. Stone,” she started, trying to sound calm and non-threatening. His gaze still hadn’t left the ceiling. 

“Is it okay if I sit down?” she asked, and in the slowest, most controlled motion she had ever seen – almost robotic – he turned his head to look at her. It felt as if he was looking through her, but that was beside the point. 

There was no answer, no nod, no denial, so she awkwardly perched on the very edge of the hospital bed. She could see the restraints around his wrists, tight enough that the skin was turning red around them. 

“I really don’t think you’ll hurt me, but if you do they will kick your ass,” she warned him, before untying the specially reinforced cord that was biting into his skin. Mild surprise touched his features before he pulled his arm to his chest, stretching his fingers out a few times. But the hand didn’t come for her, he didn’t try to hit or grab for her throat, just as she had assumed. 

“Do you know who you are, Bucky?” she asked. 

“Bucky?” was his response, and she nodded. After waiting a few pauses to see if he’d answer, it was obvious he wouldn’t. 

“That’s your name, Bucky. Well, your nickname. Do you have any idea where you are?” 

Again with the empty, void expression. She wasn’t sure if he was putting it on or if he was truly this muddled up, but the man she saw in front of her was not a threat. Not like this, anyway. 

“You’re at the Avenger’s Tower in New York. I’m here to help you,” she said, and slowly reached for his arm. He flinched, but made no real move away from her. Instead, she softly touched his wrist where the cord had cut into it, and saw wonder flit across his face. He was surprised to not experience pain when he was touched; another bad sign of how poorly he’d been treated. He behaved like a seriously maltreated, under socialized child, she realized. Whatever HYDRA had done to him, it ran deep.

She spoke to him, making mental notes all the while. He was almost completely non-verbal, and had no body language signs really to speak of. Of course, that could be due to the fact he was still tied down to a bed. But there were no signs of danger, and so after about a half an hour she gave him a sad smile. Kayleigh had really hoped for a little bit of something from him; some hint of personality or emotion behind the blue eyes. But they appeared empty, almost lifeless in their coldness, except for the odd flicker of fear here and there. No wonder Steve had been so shaken up seeing him.

“I’ll have to go now, but I’ll make sure they bring you some dinner and get you out of here, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow,” she told him, and this time his eyes followed her as she stood, picked up her laptop bag, and walked toward the door. 

“See you tomorrow Bucky,” she told him, and then knocked on the glass for one of the officers to let her out.


	4. Chapter 4

There was no change in him for the next week, and so it was easy to coax Stark and Steve into removing the restraints after the first two days. She’d written up an initial assessment and provided it to them. In her opinion, he was so badly brainwashed he had no concept of anything around him except when he was given orders. With no orders, there was no Winter Soldier; he was nearly incapacitated. He was non-verbal, non-reactive, and severely mistreated. Kayleigh knew there would be no argument for her suggestions. 

“I suggest we give him a space – I’m not saying it shouldn’t be isolated but something better than that room you have him in – and begin immediate remedial therapy for him. If Bucky Barnes is still in there he’s in there deep, and I would like to try and find him,” she explained, to what appeared to be a doubtful room. Steve had been left out of the discussion, due to his bias, so she was in the room alone with Tony and Banner. 

“What if he becomes violent?” 

“Then we deal with it and find a new plan. I don’t think we will have an issue. I’ve been with him every day for the past week and haven’t seen a single violent sign from him,” she answered, and saw the gears turning in Tony’s head. 

“Fine. New idea. You are completely in control of his treatment; you have six months to try and medicate or coax a human out of him. After that, we’ll have to turn him over to SHIELD to do as they wish,” Tony said, and Kayleigh felt herself brighten at the idea. 

“I think I can manage. Can we say eight months?” she countered, and with a groan from Tony Banner nodded. 

“It’s fair; most severe trauma patients require at least eight months to a year to see impactful change. I say give her the full year,” he pitched to Tony, who approved with a wave of his hand. 

“So, I’m thinking – even if you’d like to set it up on my floor-”

“No. Not having a psychopath that close to where you sleep,” 

“Fine. On a floor that is suitable, I suggest this; we create an isolated area for him; sleeping quarters, bathroom, and a living area. This way, we can still treat him as a person and not a prisoner. You can have JARVIS wired in to keep an eye on the living area if you wish, but no intercoms if we can avoid it. That will only panic him I think. If he’s used to the conditions of an army bunker we don’t want to recreate that feeling,” she said, and noticed that nobody was taking down notes. Banner shrugged, while Tony motioned for her to continue. 

“He’s going to need to be, essentially, completely reconditioned as a civilian. He’ll have to rediscover the use of his own mind; and that’s everything. It’s his will, ability to speak, make decisions, and being accustomed to human interaction again. He’s used to being treated as a weapon and dehumanized so badly I don’t think he even realizes there’s another way anymore. I would also like to do some MRI’s and other scans to see if there’s anything physically they’ve done in his head to do this change and go from the results for further action.” 

“Sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into this Stone,” Tony told her as they stood up to leave the meeting room. Kayleigh resisted the urge to blush, knowing she would be teased for it. It was part of her job to be thorough and create care plans; they should have known that.

“I’ve put some thought into what somebody who’s experienced something so traumatizing might need. I think Bucky is in there somewhere, and not just because Steve hopes like hell it’s true,” she explained, and got nods from both men. 

“I hope like hell you’re right,” Tony sighed, and held the door open for her as she made her way down the hall alongside Bruce. Tony was already giving orders to JARVIS to begin preparations for her ideas. 

“That was actually much easier than I thought,” Kayleigh admitted to Bruce, who managed a laugh. 

 

“It’s easy when you’re right,” he allowed. “It’s hard to see him as the Winter Soldier when he looks like a broken shell.” 

She couldn’t agree more.


	5. Chapter 5

“Okay, ready for some exciting news?” she spoke enthusiastically as she entered the containment room. There were three officers tailing her, although she had insisted it was unnecessary, and Tony was waiting outside of the room for extra back up. Bucky slowly looked at her from where he was perched on the hospital bed. They’d taken his dirty and torn clothes and given him a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, but it didn’t really look like he’d had a shower in the two weeks since he’d been brought in. His eyes focused on her, and she gave him a smile. 

“We are moving you to some new digs,” she told him, and reached for his arm to help him up. He flinched away from her touch, and sat there shaking as she paused. She wasn’t able to tell if he was afraid of being touched in itself or if he was expecting punishment for the reaction. 

“Come on, it’s okay,” she murmured, softly touching his arm even though the muscles jumped beneath her fingertips. He was like a frightened animal, she conceded, although he was cowering instead of biting. That in itself was thankfully a positive sign for her.

He got to his feet, and while the guards were tensed and at the ready, fingers all but on the triggers of the hand guns that weren’t pointed but were readied, she led him out of the containment room. Tony followed, keeping his eyes trained on the assassin as she chattered about nothing to try and keep Bucky calm. She could feel his pulse beginning to pick up – the main reason she had insisted on taking his arm – and wanted him moved as quickly and painlessly as possible. 

“We’ll take the stairs,” she decided, seeing the quick look of panic on Bucky’s face as they approached the sliding metal doors. Steve had mentioned cryostasis; perhaps it had led to some claustrophobia. 

“Here we go,” she swiped her ID card, pressed her thumb to the print scanner, and the door opened into a modestly sized living room. There was a fridge, but no stove or microwave. A small table sat against the wall, and a couch and loveseat framed off the living area; a TV hung on the wall, some magazines were on the coffee table and a blue rug was beneath it. It was comfortable but not too overwhelming to take in, just as Kayleigh had requested. There was a nice window with a view of the skyline, and the short hall that housed Bucky’s new bedroom and bathroom ended with a white wall that housed a small, framed picture of flowers. Undoubtedly bugged, she thought.

Bucky was taking it all in, blue eyes moving over the furniture and features. It was the most involved with his surroundings that she had seen yet. 

“This is yours,” she told him, and subtly felt for his pulse again. It was beginning to calm a bit, thankfully. 

“I’ll show him around,” she told the guards, who reluctantly followed her orders. Tony stayed hovering in the corner of the room as she showed Bucky the small counter top, the fridge, the couch and TV. She made a point of showing him the view from the window – pointing out buildings for him although he didn’t seem to acknowledge her words. 

“This is the bathroom,” she opened the door to a decent sized washroom that had a tub and shower combination, a large vanity and good lighting. Taking Bucky’s hand gently again, although he still flinched away from the contact and shook, she led him to the other door. 

“And this is your room,” she told him, opening it and flicking on the light. A queen-sized bed occupied the middle of the space, a small nightstand beside it. There was a closet, and some drawers built into the wall beside it for his clothes, although he didn’t really have any. She’d sent Steve on a mission to acquire some for him; while Tony had told her that sweats and gym clothes were the safest things to get him as they were the most difficult for him to utilize to fight. The materials were easier to cut through and not as strong as denim. 

Steve had argued. Tony told him it was that or they could put him in a prison jumpsuit. Kayleigh had been outraged at the comment but Steve’s mouth had snapped shut and he’d turned on his heel and left. He had yet to return, probably needing time to cool off, so Kayleigh would have to bring the clothes in for him. 

They’d both decided it was best for Steve not to interact with Bucky until they’d made some progress. It was too difficult on the Captain to see him like this. And Bucky was too unstable and unpredictable to be exposed to him again. Kayleigh figured it was safer this way, and promised to keep Steve as updated as was possible.   
Bucky looked to her, eyes questioning before sweeping the room again. 

“Yeah, it’s yours,” she repeated, and then sat down on the edge of the bed and patted it. “See if it’s comfy enough for you.” 

Immediately he walked over and sat down, as if she had ordered him to do so. She could tell he was unsure, maybe even a little on edge, but he made no move to further investigate the room. 

“Do you like it?” she asked, and his brow furrowed slightly. 

“Like it?” he repeated, and Kayleigh repressed a grin at what had to be only the fourth or fifth words she’d heard out of his mouth since his arrival. 

“Yeah – do you like it? Is it okay?” he looked to her in confusion before looking around again. 

“Mine?” he whispered, shaking again with such force that she could feel the mattress moving. Whatever HYDRA had done to him had been something awful that he couldn’t even comprehend a space to sleep in for his own. 

“All yours,” she repeated, and put her hand over his. He sucked in a breath and tried to freeze beneath her touch, before his eyes were squeezed shut. His expression was one of a person waiting to be hit, and hit hard. 

“I won’t hurt you Bucky, I’ll never hurt you,” she softly told him, running her thumb over the rough skin at the back of his hand. If you looked closely you could see he was covered with the small and nearly invisible scars of nicks and cuts. 

“You don’t have to be afraid of me. I’m here to help you,” his expression finally softened, although he didn’t relax at all aside from that. She smiled softly, and reached up without thinking to cup his cheek. Again the flinch was there, second nature to him, and she paused and waited for him to relax a little before actually making the contact to his cheek. The stubble on his face was rough and prickly to her fingers, and she wondered if he would want to shave. Nobody would trust him with a razor blade, so she wondered if the task would be left up to her. He was essentially her ward now, until her year was up or Bucky found himself. 

“I’ll go see if we can get some more clothes organized for you. Have a shower, take a nap, watch TV, you can do whatever you want. I’ll see you later, okay?” the nod was almost nonexistent, but it was there, and Kayleigh patted his hand again softly before rising and leaving his bedroom. Tony was still stationed in the corner of the living room and she knew he’d been listening through JARVIS’s small microphone in the hallway. 

“I don’t like the idea of you coming in here with him alone,” he told her, but she shrugged him off. 

“He has to understand safety. Safety doesn’t come with guards ready to shoot him in the head every time he moves,” she retorted as they walked down the hall. Bucky was unable to leave his quarters unless he was escorted, thanks to both a keycard lock and a thumb scan. Tony’s idea of course. JARVIS was backup to both; should a situation go south the AI could over-ride both locks to keep somebody in, or out.


	6. Chapter 6

Steve arrived around supper time with several bags of clothing in tow. He’d gotten everything that Bucky might need, from socks to shirts to hoodies, wanting to ensure his best friend was taken care of. 

“You sure this will be okay?” he asked as they sat in Steve’s living room, snipping the tags off of the items and throwing them into the laundry basket so Kayleigh could wash everything before taking them to Bucky’s quarters. 

“Steve this will be fine; he’s got lots of clothes hear. I’ll be seeing him every day, I can see how it goes and keep things washed. If he needs more of anything I can let you know,” she assured him, and Steve whipped through his task as quick as possible, making Kayleigh feel severely inferior as she only had the tags off of a handful of items by the time Steve was nearly finished. She made herself at home, putting the first load in his washer and getting it ready to go while he made hot chocolate for the two of them. It was unspoken that they’d discuss how he’d been earlier today while they waited for the laundry to be done. 

“Thanks Steve,”

“Of course. Extra cocoa, just how you like it,” he grinned, handing over the over-sized mug that lived in his cupboard solely for when she visited. They curled up on the couch, an episode of Friends on the TV as they chatted about each other’s days, only being interrupted when the dinging noise told them that the washer was done. Waving off Steve’s insistence that he could do it, Kayleigh switched the load into the dryer and put the second, and last, load in the washing machine before making herself comfortable once again. 

“It makes my chest hurt, a little bit,” she confided in Steve, leaning on him slightly as they waited for the next episode to load. 

“What does?” 

“How… broken, he seems,” she sighed, and soon Steve’s arm was around her shoulders. 

“You’re stronger than me. I… his eyes keep haunting me. The way he looked right through me when they brought him in. He looked through everyone,” he admitted, and Kayleigh squeezed the much larger man as tightly as she could. It killed Steve and ate away at him, she knew. He still, six years after thawing out in modern times, had nightmares about losing Bucky on the train in World War II. She couldn’t try to understand what this did to him.

“I know. It’s just… that’s how he’s been conditioned and treated. It’s like they stripped him down to basic instincts, almost. Oh, but he did talk today,” she added, hoping for a positive end to the conversation. 

“He did? What did he say?” 

“Not much,” she warned him, looking up at those blue eyes. “I finished showing him around his space and asked if he liked it. He repeated it back to me as if it was completely foreign to him. Like nobody had ever asked an opinion of him before.” 

Steve sucked in a breath at that. She knew from his stories that Bucky was an extremely opinionated person, whether you asked for it or not. It was just another way they’d ripped his best friend away. 

“And the same when I told him it was all his. Same reaction, same inflection… but it was words. He has words. It seems bleak Steve, but that’s already a jump in progress I hadn’t anticipated,” she tried to comfort him as best as she could, but felt miserable at the shit job she was doing. Steve leaned his head against hers and closed his eyes, content to sit curled up with his best friend until the timer went off and she got up to put the last of Bucky’s new clothes into the dryer. 

Another few episodes of Friends and they were sitting in companionable silence, listening and half-watching the show while they folded the laundry up, all of it fitting into one basket afterward. Kayleigh stood, moving the basket to her hip to make it easier to maneuver. The look Steve gave her told her that he was about to make a housewife joke at her. Steve was many things; sweet, kind, charismatic, polite, and a true gentleman, but above all he was a goofball. Especially with her.

“You know, you look terribly domestic when you do that,” he teased; hand on his hip as he leaned against the wall. He’d deposited their mugs in the sink and then had come over to, essentially, walk her out. Ever the gentleman, Steve Rogers was. 

“Don’t think about it Rogers,” she teased back, knowing where it was going. It was a running joke between them after everybody pushing them on each other romantically. Even Kayleigh’s parents had caught wind of a romance in her life, and had been hounding her about it since. She was twenty-six, and to her parents, apparently at her age it was appalling to not be married or working on a family.

“You know, we’d make some pretty good-looking kids,” he taunted, making both of them laugh out loud, picturing the mania that would be a mix of the two of them. “Think, running around the house, being a stay at home mom while I’m out saving the world… doesn’t that sound fun?” 

Sarcasm dripped off his words, and Kayleigh bumped him with her hip as she teased. 

“You do remember it’s not 1944 anymore, right?” she asked, and he smirked once again. 

“Of course I do – what’re you saying?”

“We both know how that would end up. We’d be living here and Captain America would become the world’s most super stay at home dad while I went to work. You’re a softie and you know it Rogers,” she shot back at him, and they were both laughing as Steve pulled her into a hug. 

“I know, I know. Hey, if you ever hit ninety five and need a back up plan, you know who to call,” he teased, and Kayleigh snorted. 

“Steve, at ninety five I think it’s a little late for the kids and suburban housewife thing,” she reminded him, and he rolled his eyes. 

“You say that now; I would have said the same thing seventy years ago,” he winked, and she grinned. 

“Forty. We’ll say by forty; how’s that for you?” she conceded, and he nodded. 

“Sounds doable,” he smirked, and squeezed her tight once more before opening the door for her. Kayleigh was still chuckling to herself as she made her way to the elevator and hit the button for the floor Bucky was staying on, way up on the thirty third. About as far away from her and Natasha’s floors as was possible without getting too close to his and Pepper’s penthouse up top. 

She knocked on the door, to be polite, before nodding at the guard stationed outside and swiping her access card. Once the light flashed green she pressed her thumb into the reader and watched the scanner light move across it, the gel encompassing her digit and reading the print. With a ding and a heavy click the door unlocked, and Kayleigh let herself into Bucky’s apartment.


	7. Chapter 7

It was eerily quiet, the living room light still on, just how she’d left it several hours earlier. 

“Bucky?” she called out, but didn’t hear anybody stir within the apartment. The bedroom light was still on, and when she rounded the corner she met the gaze of the man in question, still sitting exactly where she’d left him over four hours ago.

“Hey, I brought you some clothes; and I washed them for you,” she said, motioning to the laundry basket under her arm. He simply watched her, and she bit back a sigh as she walked past him and put the basket down on his bed. 

“How about we put these away for you?” 

Subject changed, and it seemed that asking Bucky where he’d like his clothes stored was a lost cause, so Kayleigh began organizing the drawers and closet the way she herself would. The hoodies were hung in the closet, all facing the same way because it drove her nuts otherwise. His newly matched socks went in the top left drawer, underwear in the top right. She made sure to announce where she was putting everything, wondering if she would hear any objections or suggestions. 

Bucky simply watched her, as if he was categorizing what she was doing away in his mind for later as his new T-shirts soon occupied the drawer beneath his socks, the sweats the one beside it. The bottom drawer now held a few pairs of gym shorts and two tank tops, and the two long-sleeved shirts Steve had bought, along with a sweater, were hung in the closet beside the hoodies. The laundry basket she put at the bottom of the closet, letting him know he could dump his dirty clothes in there. 

Again, not a single word came out of the man sitting on the bed, and while Kayleigh worried that maybe she was pushing him too hard too soon, she knew that a shower, some food, and some sleep were needed. 

She pulled her cell out of her pocket and texted Steve, relying on him the most. 

_Can you get some takeout for him to eat? Hasn’t had any supper_

_Sure thing. I’ll go right now._ He answered, but Kayleigh bit her lip. 

_Maybe hold off half hour or so. He needs a shower too._ It took her moments to send the text, and she got a ‘thumbs up’ emoji from the Captain to let her know he’d received the message. He was a goof, once he’d figured out what the hell emoji’s were and how to use them. 

“Okay, we’re gonna get you cleaned up,” she announced as she set her phone down on the back of the couch and made her way into his bedroom. Bucky’s eyes were on her every move, like he was assessing whether he was in trouble or not. A thought came to her mind, and she sent Steve another quick text. 

_Maybe get a razor – I think that beard is going to go too_

_I don’t think that’s safe Kay…_ was Steve’s immediate response. It hadn’t taken him but seconds to answer her that time. 

_I’m going to do it… keep an EMT on standby for my lack of skills_ she joked, and got a laughing face before a little salute from her best friend. Thank god he’d understood that she was kidding, but not really at the same time. She’d never shaved anyone’s face before. 

“Come on,” she ushered Bucky up, and again, his muscles were twitching even though her hand was hovering above him and not touching him. She all but herded him into the bathroom, and got out an oversized, fluffy towel and put it on the counter. Bucky made no move to remove any clothing, and she had a feeling that even if she left him in here alone it wouldn’t help. 

So, Kayleigh ran the water, letting it warm up but not get too scalding, and turned the fan on. The sound seemed to startle him, but after a few moments of reassurance he was back to his previous, almost disassociated state. 

“Clothes have to come off to shower,” she sighed, before tugging at his sweatshirt. He slowly complied, revealing a very beat up torso, dried blood lining his human shoulder, and when he slid the sweats down she found his legs to be in equally as bad of shape. 

“You arm,” she nearly scared herself, spooking him as well. His eyes were wide, and she could tell he was vulnerable standing in the bathroom in only his underwear.  


“Can it get wet? Will it hurt you if it gets wet?” she asked, and after a moment of worrying she heard the gravelly voice. 

“No,” 

“Okay, good. Don’t want to wreck your arm,” she babbled to herself, before deciding he would get clean enough with the boxers on. She pulled her sweater over her head, not wanting the sleeves to get wet, leaving the tank top beneath it on before gently leading him into the shower. 

“Is that warm enough? If you turn it that way the water will get hotter, the other way it will get colder,” she told him, but he made no move to adjust the temperature. He simply stood beneath the spray, but after a moment his eyes closed and she was sure he was actually enjoying it. 

“Here, I’ll get you washed up,” her voice was softer now as she reached for the cloth and body wash that Tony had stocked the bathroom with before they’d moved Bucky into the suite. Kayleigh wet the cloth and put a large dollop of gel on it before gently placing a hand on Bucky’s back. He jumped again, eyes snapping open in fear, before he stilled beneath her touch. 

“Let me know if anywhere hurts,” she told him, staring him down to make sure he knew she meant it before she began to softly lather up the soap on his chest. Soon there was a dark muddy color swirling in the water at his feet, and she could see streaks down his legs where the dirt was being washed away. She had no idea of how long it had been since he’d been able to bathe and take care of himself, but the fact that he hadn’t really looked as dirty as he obviously was spoke wonders to it. His skin was much paler beneath the layers of dirt; he wasn’t simply tanned as she had previously thought.

It took her another two dollops of shower gel to get him clean, scrubbing dirt and dried blood and god knows what else from his skin, until he was a healthy pinky color. His back had been grimy, but he’d relaxed his shoulders forward as she had washed across his shoulders and down his spine, stopping at the waistband of his boxers. Not that keeping them on had made much difference, except for the sake of having the material there; they had clung to his body the moment they were wet and hung down low enough Kayleigh had actually pulled the waistband up a little bit, blushing like mad at her own ridiculousness. 

His legs came clean much faster, having already had soap and water running down them for the past fifteen minutes or so, and then once she was convinced he was rinsed off, she turned her attention to his hair. He was tall, just over six feet, but Kayleigh was hardly five foot six. 

“Please don’t let me fall,” she asked of him as she put some shampoo in one hand and stood on the side of the tub. In a moment she had found her balance, thankful that the water had been mostly contained and her feet weren’t slipping on moisture. With gentle touches - all of which he flinched at - she got his hair thoroughly wet with one hand. Then she tipped his head back slightly, to keep suds out of his eyes, and began to work the shampoo through the thick strands. Again his eyes shut almost in enjoyment, and she smiled as she massaged his scalp and worked the dirt out of his hair. She shampooed it a second time, partially because she wasn’t convinced it was clean, and partially because she could tell he liked it, before rinsing out the last of the suds from his dark tresses and gently squeezing the water out. 

In moving to get down however, she lost her balance and nearly slipped. Without even opening his eyes Bucky’s metal prosthetic shot out and steadied her, his fingers gripping light enough to not hurt, but steady enough to keep hold, keeping her from tumbling off the side of the tub. 

“Thank you,” she smiled, and softly caressed his cheek again before stepping down, his arm stayed at her side until he felt her second foot touch down, then he let it drop to his side once again and his eyes opened. He knew the shower was over. 

Kayleigh turned off the water and held out the towel; Bucky thankfully understood the gesture and stepped out of the tub and into the fabric she began moving over his skin to dry him off. Once his body was dry enough –she wasn’t comfortable drying off any areas she hadn’t seen, obviously – she had him sit on the closed toiled seat so she could towel dry his hair. 

She opened the drawer and found, alongside a new toothbrush in the plastic and a tube of toothpaste, a comb that was obviously meant for children. There were no sharp ends, and it was flimsy, which meant it couldn’t be weaponized. She sighed slightly at Tony’s need to keep a finger on everything before turning back to Bucky who was clearly waiting to be told what to do. 

“I’ll just comb it out for you, then we can get you into some clean clothes,” she explained, and began to slowly work the comb through his hair. It hadn’t seen a comb in longer than he had, she was sure, as she found herself apologizing every few seconds when she hit a snag or a knot. Bucky was wordless, never flinching or indicating she was hurting him at all. He simply stared at the wall and let her do whatever she wanted. 

“Okay, all done, sorry about that,” she apologized again as he stood. She wrapped the towel around him and led him to his bedroom, pulling out clean clothes and laying them on the bed for him.

Her phone buzzed, letting her know that Steve was probably on his way up with Bucky’s supper and the razor and shaving cream she’d requested. 

“Can you finish drying up and get dressed?” she asked, and quickly turned on her heel as Bucky began doing as she said while she was still in the room. Obviously privacy wasn’t something he’d had either.


	8. Chapter 8

“Thanks so much Steve, I’m sure they brought him dinner, but… I don’t think he moved from the bed after I left,” she said, not adding in the fact he’d been sitting on it and not sleeping. Steve nodded, and his blue eyes quickly moved around the area he could see. 

“He’s just changing,” Kayleigh supplied, and then with a strange expression Steve noticed that her clothes were a little damp. Despite her best intentions, showering off his best friend had resulted in wet knees and a damp tank top. 

“He needed a little help,” she admitted quietly. “It’s like he doesn’t understand… the usual things. It’s okay – I kept him covered up. I don’t want to see that.” 

The joke put Steve at ease, although she could tell he was a little rattled by the news. With a hand soft on his arm though, his troubled eyes met hers. 

“I’ll stop by and we can chat after, okay? I just want to spend some time with him and see if he can get comfortable,” Kayleigh suggested, and Steve nodded, pressing a thankful kiss to her cheek before leaving. 

“Are you dressed?” she asked, putting the two bags down on the counter. Steve had gone to a deli – probably the only thing open now that was close, and had picked up soup and a sandwich with a bottle of orange juice. The convenience store bag held a new razor and a can of shaving cream and some after-shave lotion. 

Bucky immediately was standing at the center of the room, and she could see the quiver in his muscles as he stood at attention for her. 

“Hey, relax – none of that,” she chided, rubbing his arm slightly until the flinch was gone and the muscles were no longer jumping beneath her touch. She was going to have to try to recondition him to touch as well. 

“I have some supper for you,” she motioned toward the food, and saw she had, in fact, caught his attention. So he still felt hunger normally, but seemed to repress any symptoms of it. 

She plated the sandwich and brought it over to the table along with his soup, pulling out a chair for him. He seemed wary, taking steps over in choppy movements before sitting down and eyeing the food she’d put in front of him. 

“Go ahead, I already ate,” she encouraged him, and she watched him down the food so fast she was afraid he’d be sick afterward. Apparently HYDRA wasn’t too keen on feeding him either. 

“Hey, slow down – it’s okay. It’s not going anywhere,” she told him, and he froze, spoon halfway up to his mouth. “I just don’t want you to get sick.” 

He finished eating, making a point of slowing down slightly because she’d said so, but still finished off the food much quicker than she’d have expected. Once he was finished she took the plate and spoon and put them in the sink, knowing she could wash them later, and threw out the take-away bowl the soup had come in. 

“Feel better?” she asked, and received some kind of grunt in response. His stomach had distended slightly, body not used to a regular meal all at once. She filed that away as well, knowing it could be important to his rehabilitation. 

“Want to watch some TV? I know you must be exhausted,” she suggested, but he simply stood, blue eyes trained on her. 

“Here, come on,” she led the way back to his bedroom, feeling the large man trailing obediently behind her. In a slow motion, not wanting to startle him, Kayleigh pulled the sheets back on his bed, and then stepped aside for him. He stood, staring at it as if it wasn’t real, and made no move to touch the bed. 

“Bucky, it’s okay. It’s your bed,” she softly reminded him, and with a hand at the small of his back guided him to the bed and into it, pulling the sheets up to his chest afterward. Kayleigh could tell he was on edge; every muscle in his body was tensed, like something was wrong. 

“Relax, it’s okay. You’re safe, you can go to sleep,” she began murmuring as comfortingly as she could, knowing it had helped her go to sleep when she was a child and was nervous or upset. She knew that rubbing his shoulder would do nothing but keep him on edge, but her voice seemed to have some kind of effect. 

It took nearly forty-five minutes, but soon the eyelashes began to flutter, and the muscles began to relax. Bucky moved slightly, before freezing again, waiting to be reprimanded, before wiggling his legs slightly as he made himself more comfortable. Soon his dark eyelashes were against his cheeks, and Kayleigh stayed seated on the very edge of his mattress until soft snoring noises were coming from him. Even his prosthetic arm seemed to have relaxed, lying limp at his side as his chest rose and fell evenly. 

He looked happy, she decided, watching him for just a moment before turning off the light and closing his bedroom door most of the way, like she would for a child. He looked okay, sleeping like that. 

It took another few minutes for her to tidy up the dishes and put them away, before she turned off the lights, gathered the bag with the razor and shaving cream – which could wait for another day- and left Bucky’s quarters. 

Steve would be waiting, and she just hoped he had something a little stronger than hot chocolate. This could be a long process.


	9. Chapter 9

Kayleigh was alarmed when she made her way toward Bucky’s quarters the next day. There were three guards outside instead of the two she’d reluctantly agreed upon, and it sounded like a fourth guard was inside of his apartment. 

“Dr. Stone, it’s not safe at the moment,” the commander of the squad spoke up, stepping in front of the door to block her from going in. She crossed her arms, cocked an eyebrow, and made it look like she wasn't planning on backing down either.

“Why is that?” she asked, and he looked apprehensive about telling her. 

“He’s irritated this morning, possibly aggressive,” the guard replied, piquing her interest. She hadn’t seen a single emotion come from Bucky except for when he was savoring having his hair washed. Aside from being blank he had only shown brief enjoyment and a lot of confusion.

“Please, we just don’t want you to be harmed,” he insisted, but she shook her head. 

“You can come in with me then, if you want,” she allowed, and the man was immediately at her six as they waited for the security systems to open the door. The other guard was only a foot or two in, and she could see what they meant. Bucky had blocked entrance to the rest of the area, and his brow was furrowed. He looked like he had at least gotten some rest, but she wasn’t sure if he was irritated or simply disoriented. 

“Morning Bucky,” she said, careful to keep her anxiousness out of her voice. She didn’t want him to think there was any reason for things to not be okay. 

His blue eyes moved to her and his body language immediately relaxed slightly; while he was still tense he was no longer poised for action. He was like a tiger that was no longer ready to pounce but was still watching carefully, not missing a single detail. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, stepping ahead of the guard and walking toward him, both men moved to stop her, but a quick look silenced them. She was sure they were why he was upset in the first place. 

“He has your sweater, Ma’am,” the guard who’d been inside when Kayleigh arrived spoke. “He refuses to give it back. We came in to bring his food, and Jake noticed it. Went to pick it up for you and then Barnes lost it.” 

“I must have left it here yesterday,” she observed, more to herself than anyone else, before seeing the navy blue garment was indeed in Bucky’s hand. 

“Did I leave my sweater here?” she asked, and almost sheepishly, the large man held it out to her, palm open, as if to prove that he was being submissive. 

“Thank you Bucky,” she smiled at him, and pulled the sweater on. She could have sworn the corner of his lip pulled up for just an instant, but the blank expression was back before she could be sure it had been there. 

“He’s fine you guys, he was just worried somebody would take my sweater and stretch it out on me,” she teased, but both guards hovered in the doorway. To prove her point, she stepped closer to Bucky, who immediately dropped his gaze to the floor, hands limp at his sides and shoulders sloping down. Kayleigh immediately recognized he was showing submission, letting her know he was harmless to her. Not the body language he had presented to the guards.

“Bucky won’t hurt me,” she insisted, and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. It was the same as the day before, he flinched, and quivered beneath her touch until he realized no pain was coming. Both guards, willing to take her word for it after watching the exchange, backed out of the room, before letting her know that Stark had Bucky’s breakfast on the way. Apparently with all that had taken place before she'd arrived the commander had requested it a second time. At least they'd let her know, and he wasn't going to go hungry because of what had taken place.

“Did you get some sleep?” Kayleigh asked, eyes working their way over his body to look for changes from the previous day. The bags had lessened beneath his eyes, his stomach was no longer distended – which was good and meant no digestive track issues due to malnourishment –and he seemed to look a little better. His hair was a wild mess after having slept on it, but that wasn’t his fault either. In fact, the bedhead made him look more human than he had since he’d arrived. 

He nodded minutely, and tensed for a moment afterward. Even responding out of turn had been a punishable offence, it seemed. 

“It’s okay for you to answer me, if you want to,” she told him, and reached out to tip his chin up and raise his sight line to meet hers. 

“I won’t hurt you Bucky, and I’ll do everything I can to make sure nobody else hurts you either,” she reiterated her promise from the night before, and thought she saw something in his eyes. A knock sounded, and she moved to open the door taking the tray of breakfast food from the guard and putting it down on the table. She hated the fact that he was being fed on trays like an inmate, but they all knew it wasn’t a good idea to have a stocked kitchen. Too many sharp objects, along with the risk of him being burned or injuring himself – whether purposefully or not. 

“There you go, eat up,” she pulled out his chair again, and with almost déjà vu like similarity he scarfed down the food as quickly as was possible, as if she was going to snatch it away from him at any moment. After her conversation with Steve the night before, she’d stayed up an extra hour making notes on Bucky’s behavior and the things she’d noticed during her time with him. She knew doing actual sessions with him was a very long way away, but she hoped to at least have some kind of case notes on him in the meantime. 

After having watched her the night before, this time Bucky got up and put the dishes in the sink, mimicking her actions. That also got Kayleigh’s attention; he obviously was taking in what was going on around him, and seemed to be taking cues from her. 

“Did you put on clean clothes this morning?” she asked, and Bucky’s expression was blank. After eyeing him up, she assumed that was a no. 

“Come on, we’re going to make a routine out of this, okay?” she asked, and he simply followed along behind her. Maybe she should get him a dry erase board; one of the first things to do was to establish comfort, and for many people – especially those who had been in the army – routine was part of comfort. 

“It doesn’t matter to me what time you wake up in the morning – you can get up as early as you want or sleep as late as you want, but when you get up you should shower and change your clothes, okay?” she suggested, and again, received nothing but a minute nod. 

“So, hop in. Do you need my help again?” she asked, and after a moment, another minute nod. So, for the second time, she stripped off the dark blue sweater and helped Bucky strip to his underwear before showing him how to adjust the temperature. She then made him do it, and he stepped beneath the spray. His eyes closed as he savored the warm water against his skin, and Kayleigh smiled to herself. 

“So, this one is the shower gel, that’s what you wash your body with,” she explained, and Bucky’s blue eyes followed her movements. They were intelligent eyes, she knew, she just had to get to what was beneath them. “The other one is for your hair.” 

She should have insisted on an all-in-one, to simplify things until he was adjusted, but this would do just fine. She shampooed his hair for him again, if for no other reason than to see the hint of a smile teasing at his lips as her fingers worked through the still essentially clean hair. 

“There we go,” she told him, walking him through shutting off the shower and holding the towel out for him again. This went the same as last night, but she let him know he would have to comb his own hair out. 

“Do you want to shave?” she asked, and Bucky blinked slowly. 

“Shave?”

“Your beard, do you want to shave it?” she repeated softly, and it surprised her to have Bucky turn and assess himself in the mirror. After a moment he turned back to her, blue eyes appearing to actually focus rather than go through her. 

“Yes.” 

Almost giddy at the progress Kayleigh quickly fetched the shaving cream and razor, before becoming unsure about her best option. She was positive Bucky wouldn’t hurt her, but she wasn’t sure if he would harm himself. Then again, there was less chance of him cutting himself shaving than there was of her doing it. 

He obediently sat on the closed toilet seat, and it was apparent he thought she would do it. Nervously she spread the shaving cream across the hair on his face and down onto his neck, and then wet the razor, taking a deep breath. 

“I’ve never done this before, please let me know if I’m doing it wrong,” she joked, trying to ease her own nerves as he apparently had none. It was like it was practiced for him; he tilted his head up when she went to shave his neck, leaned side to side so she could better see his cheeks, and even pulled in his lips to let her get at the hair between his top lip and his nose. Thankfully, they managed without so much as a nick, even though it took Kayleigh longer than any man on earth had ever taken to shave, she was sure.

After that adventure she gently wiped any remaining shaving cream off and rubbed the lotion on, knowing he wouldn’t be allowed possession of a razor to do this himself, before telling him it was time to get dressed.

Once she’d insisted – four times, at least – that Bucky could pick his own clothes out rather than simply stand there and stare at the dresser, she left him alone in his room, content to wait and see what would happen. She had set the clothes out for him yesterday. 

Minutes later he emerged, wearing an outfit nearly identical to that of the day before – obviously he was taking all of his cues from her. Kayleigh was sitting on the couch, and patted the seat beside her. 

“Do you like TV?” she asked, and Bucky simply looked at her. He maybe hadn’t really seen one. 

“It shows films,” she told him, and sat and watched an episode or two of Friends with him. It was one of her favorites; it was also a fairly trigger-less show so she didn’t have to get too worried about anything on it setting him off. 

“I have to go to work, but you can hang out, watch TV, nap, do whatever you like,” she said, moving to get up. He looked alarmed for a moment at the prospect of being left alone, and Kayleigh felt it tug at her heart for a moment. She took in his appearance, noting that his eyes seemed to be the most expressive part of him. The panic was evident in his eyes, even though the rest of his body didn’t really betray it.

“It’s okay, I’ll be back tonight,” she assured him, and saw the earlier blank expression return to Bucky’s face. “I’ll bring some snack food so you don’t always have to wait until they bring something for you, too.” 

She remembered to pick up her sweater this time, and said goodbye, although Bucky didn’t respond, before she slipped out of the room and was immediately met with the guard. 

“This morning was a little reckless, ma’am – Mr. Stark apparently wasn’t too impressed that you put yourself between us and him,” he stuttered out, and she could tell it was because he didn’t want to upset her. 

“I’ll speak to Tony; I know you guys are just doing your jobs,” she smiled, and watched him relax. “But you guys have to know that I know what I’m doing too. He was held captive for decades – seeing men with guns in suits and knowing he’s unable to leave is probably triggering for him.” 

“I think the biggest part is he’s loyal to you, ma’am – we all saw how he submitted to you. It was classic submission symptoms; lowering eyesight, making himself seem smaller… he refused to do that for us. At least you have that on your side,” was her answer. Kayleigh nodded before getting in the elevator and texting Bruce about her whiteboard idea, before punching in ground floor level to head downtown and buy a few things.


	10. Chapter 10

Two and a half weeks were spent in this fashion; visiting Bucky in the morning and spending a few hours with him – installing his new whiteboard with the outline of the things Kayleigh wanted him to accomplish in the morning, on his own time that second night – leaving and working with Stark Industries clients or helping out with the Avengers, or doing her own thing during the day, and then visiting Bucky again around dinner time for as long as she decided to, depending on how he was doing. He was still mostly non-verbal, but the occasional nod or grunt was becoming more common, and the odd word here or there. Kayleigh was keeping notes on her phone now as well, and she was sure this is what it was like to be a first time parent – noting down every tine milestone she could see to immortalize it for herself. 

The first time he spoke without her asking him a question nearly had her in tears and trying to hide it so he wouldn’t associate a negative response with speaking had been difficult. She’d rushed to Steve’s apartment to tell him the news, hands flailing slightly in excitement and emotion she’d hardly suppressed while she had talked Bucky to sleep again. Steve had been in the same state she had, and she’d fallen asleep on his couch beside him, the TV still playing Disney movies. The Little Mermaid was a favorite for both of them, although she had originally teased Steve relentlessly for it. 

The first time Bucky woke up with a nightmare, JARVIS had scared her awake. He’d had the decency to try and be quiet, not wanting to startle her, but it hadn’t worked. She’d thrown a hoodie over her pajamas and took off running for the elevator, cursing Tony’s need to keep Bucky so far away from everybody as she waited for the elevator to take her up. She went in without even looking twice at the guard and turned the kitchen lights on. 

Bucky had been screaming; he’d gotten so twisted in his bed sheets she was sure he’d felt restrained and had been triggered once again. The screams sent a chill through her, because it was the sound of a broken soul; someone who’d experienced things so terrible that this horrid sound was the only way to explain it. He’d torn through the blankets to get out and was a shaking mess on the floor when she hesitantly walked in the turned on the light. 

His eyes begged for comfort, for help, but again he flinched from her touch and shook when she put a hand on his back. Kayleigh pulled him into an embrace, murmuring and rocking him slightly, but that seemed to make it worse. His shaking intensified, and finally, she concluded, that she should try to tuck him back into bed and do something familiar. Caress his cheek, rub her thumb across the back of his hand, and talk him to sleep. 

She walked to the hall to get him a glass of water, and quietly asked JARVIS to have someone send up some new sheets and blankets for Bucky, and took her time. It only took minutes for a knock to be at the door, and she thanked the janitor as she took the new linens from him and called Bucky to the living room. 

While he sat and drank the water, as she’d asked, she took the now destroyed linens off of the bed and remade it, stashing the torn ones in the closet where he couldn’t see them for the time being. Once he was finished, he was standing in the doorway of his room, believing those to be her orders. Kayleigh pulled back the sheets and without a word he climbed in, used to this routine. This was normal, and acceptable for Bucky, and soon he was drifting off once again. 

This time, however, when Kayleigh moved to get up his eyes snapped open once again and he grabbed her wrist. As soon as he realized what he’d done he let go, as if her skin had burned him, but she simply offered him a smile and placed her hand against his upturned palm again, letting him know it was all right, that she wasn’t upset about him grabbing her hand. 

She told him she would stay on his couch, so that if he had a nightmare she would be there, and soon he drifted off again, this sleep more fit full than any other time she’d witnessed. There was no doubt in her mind that something terrible had caused the nightmare, and she could only hope that it wouldn’t become a common or recurring thing. 

Kayleigh sat for a long time at Bucky’s bedside, absentmindedly running her fingers through his hair, and appreciating the sleeping man in front of her. He’d begun to look much healthier – the gauntness had left his cheeks, some color had returned. The bags beneath his eyes were essentially non-existent, except for nights she’d managed to ascertain that he hadn’t gotten much sleep. She was sure he suffered from PTSD beneath the other issues he was struggling with, but she was seeing more and more signs of personality every day. Like when he crinkled up his nose for just an instant at the cereal he was brought for breakfast one day, before sitting down and eating it the same as he did for every other meal. They seemed like unimportant things, but to Kayleigh they were huge breakthroughs. Today, he had reached out for the first time. It was another breakthrough she couldn’t wait to tell Steve about. 

Once she was sure he was out for the night she made her way to the couch, having pulled a thin blanket with her, and made herself comfortable. She set an alarm on her phone for eight o’clock, just in case she didn’t wake up at a normal time with being in a strange place, and settled herself in for the night.

Kayleigh woke up warm, and moved to lazily stretch as she was waking up, and then slowly remembered the events of the night. She was in Bucky’s living room, but when she moved, she realized the blankets covering her seemed heavier than the blanket she’d taken with her to the couch. She raised her head, some sunlight streaming in between the curtains, and smiled to herself. Lying on the floor between her and the front door was none other than Bucky Barnes. He’d drug out the comforter from his bed and a pillow, and that’s when Kayleigh realized he had covered her with a second, heavier blanket. It warmed her to realize he had thought of her, and at some point during the night had realized she was still in his space. 

He was protecting her from anything that could come in the door or the window, making sure she could sleep. If that wasn’t a breakthrough she didn’t know what was. 


	11. Chapter 11

“Okay, good, try again,” she asked, and Bucky sent her a slightly concerned look before taking a breath and squaring his shoulders. He let out the air slowly, like it was a training exercise, before he slowly reached out for her hand. She had it laying palm up on the table, and was slowly working on his issue with contact, by making him initiate it. 

“Difficult,” he mumbled. By addressing other issues, she’d found he was slowly becoming wordier simply by spending more time with her. She was thankful that she didn’t necessarily have to talk for the both of them. 

He was shaking and nearly sweating as he touched the edge of her fingers with his. Initiating contact was one of the most difficult things she’d had him do so far, and she could tell simply by his physical response how brutal it was for him to override the conditioning and programming they had determined was in his system. But Kayleigh wanted Bucky in a much better place than this before she asked him about doing some MRI scans to take a look into his mind.

“There you go,” she softly encouraged him, and with a determined look in his bright blue eyes – the rest of his face was carefully arranged to not show much emotion – he set his palm down on top of hers, letting his fingers touch her wrist. 

“Not so bad, is it?” she asked, and after letting out a few long breaths and apparently trying to convince himself he wasn’t doing anything wrong he shrugged.   
“Difficult,” he repeated, but left his hand there. Kayleigh brushed the side of his hand with her thumb, and he jumped, but kept the contact. She gave him a smile, and he nearly returned it as he got a determined look. He took another long breath, and then closed his hand around hers, his fingers moving beneath the back of her hand to enclose her small hand in his large one. That was new as well.

It was one of the moments that nearly brought tears to her eyes. He’d surprised her here and there, as it seemed like he was seeing what she was trying to do, and was trying his best to meet her halfway where he could. 

“That’s good Bucky, that’s good,” she repeated, and again the corner of his mouth tugged up, but he couldn’t smile. They sat there for a while, Kayleigh wondering how long he could sustain the contact before getting too uncomfortable. 

It was a long time, apparently, and while she tried to coax some conversation from him that proved mostly fruitless, and her arm was falling asleep by the time she finally pulled it back. 

“Sorry, I’ve got pins and needles,” she told him, and he nodded before going to the cupboard to find something to eat. She’d noticed he was still apprehensive about food being readily available to him, and she had to check the apartment every few days if the cupboard was empty. He’d taken to stashing food in odd places – she found some granola bars under his pillow, one between the mattress and the box spring. There were a few under the couch too, and it broke her heart to know he was afraid of having things taken away from him like this. 

“Wanna watch some TV?” she asked, and heard the uncertain intake of breath that was Bucky readying himself to answer a question. 

“Yes,” 

“You pick,” she told him, handing over the remote. He was anxious in situations where she gave him control, so she tried to do it with small and insignificant things in order to minimize his reaction to it. Choosing a movie or a TV show was good, asking him if he wanted to shave that day was another choice he was starting to have an easier time with. Even picking out clothes sometimes caused him stress. Bucky was used to being told what to do, and when and how to do it. 

He picked a Disney cartoon, one that Kayleigh had watched a million and one times, and soon she found herself dozing off. Not wanting to cause him additional stress, she tried to keep herself upright, but knew she was fighting a losing battle as Aladdin and Jasmine ran into each other on the streets of Agraba. 

Kayleigh awoke to sounds of distress, and her brain was struggling to wake up and put everything together. There was yelling, and she was leaning against someone who was all but frozen solid, not moving so much as a muscle. With a yawn she sat up, and the room immediately went quiet around her. That disoriented her even further, but soon she realized she was in Bucky’s apartment.

“Dr. Stone, ma’am are you okay?” it was one of the guards, and as she sat up properly and rubbed her eyes – probably smearing mascara everywhere – she gave him a confused look. 

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” she asked, and saw an embarrassed look on his face. 

“You were unresponsive on the couch with his arm over you… we didn’t know what to think. He was unresponsive to our questions and showed aggression when we tried to get to you,” they reported, and she looked up to see Bucky was a mask of emptiness again. 

“I’m fine, just nodded off,” she told them, knowing they would hear in her voice that they were dismissed. The guards left the room, and she turned her full attention to Bucky once again. 

“I’m so sorry, I never thought,” 

“Not your fault,” he told her, his voice gruff with disuse. She was surprised to get a full sentence from him, but her concern was stronger. 

“No, it was my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep,” she shook her head, getting herself more upset the more she thought about it. She knew altercations caused episodes for Bucky, and doing anything that could cause one was only going to hurt him. Kayleigh could be causing him a setback because of this.

“Not. Your. Fault.” He reiterated, and she felt his hand hesitantly rest on her shoulder, the way she calmed him so many times. His large palm covered the entirety of her shoulder, and after a moment she felt his thumb softly move across her skin, mimicking the way she calmed him. 

“Thanks Bucky,” she managed a slightly watery smile for him, and he nodded back at her. They sat like that for a while, before Bucky let out a yawn. He was usually edgy and exhausted by this time of night, and Kayleigh knew that the altercation with the guards had probably added to it. Bucky would probably have a nightmare, just like the last time with the misunderstanding about her sweater. 

“Time for bed?” she asked, and he nodded, before slowly getting up and making his way to his room. Steve had bought him some pajama pants, and he’d taken to wearing those at night instead of sweats – she was sure he got too warm and the cotton sleepwear was lighter for him. After about five minutes Kayleigh entered the room with a soft knock, and saw Bucky laying beneath the covers watching and waiting for her. 

It was part of the routine now, for her to hold his hand and caress his cheek and talk him to sleep. Occasionally she hummed. But it was something simple and reassuring for him that let his mind slow down enough for him to sleep. It was Kayleigh who knew she would struggle tonight, trying to figure out when he would wake up screaming and thrashing, blue eyes vacant and the soldier all but present. 

Once he’d nodded off she left, going to her own space to change into lounge pants and a t-shirt, gathering her laptop, a blanket and pillow to take back to his apartment. It was better to simply set up camp in his living room rather than have a sleepless night waiting for JARVIS to inform her of his distress.


	12. Chapter 12

“Kayleigh… what are you doing?” she nearly dropped everything in her hands at the question, and wheeled around to see Steve had been making his way to her door.

“Going to camp out on Bucky’s couch... there was a guard altercation today,” she sighed, and his shoulders dropped. Bucky had been with them a little over a month, and he still hadn’t seen his best friend. She kept Steve updated, but it wasn’t the same for him. However, he insisted against seeing him, and Kayleigh knew that while Steve hid behind the guise of not wanting to send Bucky back into the programming, it was that Steve was afraid to see his best friend and not be recognized again.

“What happened? Is he okay?” 

“He’s okay – it wasn’t physical. I fell asleep watching a movie with him, the guards panicked and, I guess, Bucky wouldn’t let them near me. I’m going to talk to Tony about it tomorrow. But last time it happened he started with the nightmares again,” she explained, and Steve nodded. 

“It’s easier to sleep knowing you’re there when they need you,” he agreed, and she was thankful for his understanding. 

“I’ll walk you up,” he offered, taking the pillow from her hands and pressing the button to summon the elevator. Kayleigh leaned against Steve, trying to steal even the tiniest bit of strength from him. It was hard seeing Bucky suffer, especially when she felt so helpless. 

“Thanks Steve,” the whisper was soft, but she knew he heard as his arm snaked around her shoulders and pulled her against his side. The elevator dinged and they made their way in, Steve requesting Bucky’s floor for her. She’d spent so much time with Bucky trying to help him along that Kayleigh felt she hadn’t seen much of Steve.

“Movie night tomorrow?” she asked, and he raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Not gonna have movies with Bucky again?” he asked, and she gave him a grin. He was teasing, but she knew it was his way of checking in at the same time. Steve would have made a great therapist, she was sure. He was stealthy in extracting information out of you and reading the answers without directly asking the difficult things.

“I have an idea for tomorrow that might leave him exhausted, but I think he’s ready for it. The building is going to be pretty empty – I know about the mission – so I think I’m going to take him on a little adventure, see how he reacts to more stimulus,” she told him, and immediately saw worry all over her friend’s face. Not the reaction she had anticipated. She was sure Steve would be excited to hear that she thought Bucky was ready for some human interaction outside of her and some altercations with guards. 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I just… I mean Tony and I won’t be here if anything happens,” he told her, a hand on her elbow once they’d exited the elevator. Kayleigh turned to look at him, and sighed. 

“I need to see how he’s doing Steve; it’s one thing to spend time with him shut up in a space he knows is his own, it’s another to kind of force him into some small interaction. It won’t be all day; it won’t even be a lot of people. I’m thinking just taking him down to my office, walking him through a few hallways so he can see outside and go past some people. I’ll have the guard keep an eye on things too, just at a distance,” she insisted, trying to convince him; because if Steve didn’t approve and said anything to Tony her idea would be kiboshed immediately. 

“Kayleigh, I know you’re the expert, but I know what he’s capable of. A few guards won’t be able to keep him down if something went wrong,” he argued. 

“But it won’t. I know it’s hard… especially because he doesn’t really communicate. But I know, without a doubt, he won’t hurt me. And if it matters to me, he won’t hurt anyone else. I don’t think he’s the same as the Winter Soldier right now Steve; he’s far too passive,” 

“Okay, okay. I can see arguing with you is pointless. But I’m going to see if someone can hang back – just in case,” he relented, and Kayleigh sighed. 

“The world needs all of the Avengers Steve, maybe just see if Tony can makeshift a mini repulsor stun beam or something for me, for absolute just in case,” she suggested, and Steve brightened at the idea. 

“That’s great – I’ll go tell him. You try and get some sleep, please?” he asked, cupping her cheek for a moment. Sometimes they could almost make believe they were more than best friends, in a moment like this. But Kayleigh knew if they’d ever tried to kiss again they would both act like grossed out middle schoolers. It had happened every time they got the inclination to give it another chance. 

“I’ll try,” she answered, and Steve ran his thumb over her cheek softly before mussing her hair up in a friendly gesture. 

“You come back in one piece tomorrow,” she called after him, having retaken her pillow and was waiting for the scan to finish to let her back into Bucky’s apartment.

“Always do,” Steve winked with a small smile as the elevator doors shut in front of him. 

Kayleigh settled in, falling into a fit full sleep almost immediately on the couch she’d spent more than a few nights on in the past month. She felt like an over anxious parent trying to keep an eye on a baby when she did this, and huffed at herself. Bucky had made progress; maybe he’d be just fine. 

-

 

At two am it began. She could hear him thrashing around, grunting and almost hissing. In less than five minutes it had escalated to calling out, and then the screams. Kayleigh bolted off the couch and into his room, flicking on the light and immediately going to his side. His eyes were still shut tight, and while she was trying to avoid his flailing arms, he struck her in the side. She was going to have to try something different; he was sunk deep into this nightmare. 

“Bucky, BUCKY!” she called, and after a moment hopped on the bed, straddled his waist to pin him down, and then cupped his cheeks in her hands. His eyes shot open, his chest heaving for air as he tried to focus. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay; I’m here,” she cooed, feeling him begin to shake beneath her. Unlike the other times, he didn’t simply calm; this time a tear came to his eyes. It slid down his cheek, trailing down the skin without him moving beneath her. 

It had been bad, worse than before. This had shaken him to the core, pulled out emotions that even the programming couldn’t hide.

“It’s just a nightmare, you’re okay, you’re safe,” she repeated, and he swallowed hard, before dropping his gaze so he wasn’t looking at her. 

“Come here,” she pulled him into a hug, but felt that he was panicking at the gesture. Reluctantly she let him go, and opted for cupping his cheek once more. The blue eyes were intense, focused on her as he tried to match his breathing to hers. He was trying to ground himself with her.

“You know what I like to do when I have a nightmare?” she asked softly. “Take a bath. I just sit in the water and soak and try to relax.” 

He nodded, and after untangling him from the blankets she left to let the water start running. Lavender scented Epsom salts were added – something she’d requested for just in case – and once the water was deep enough she told him he could go soak. He didn’t shut the bathroom door all the way, which was a lack of privacy she accounted to his captive time, but she heard him sink into the hot water from where she stood in his room. He’d been sweating, struggling, and the sheets were damp from it. Kayleigh changed the linens, knowing it was nice to have a clean slate to try to go back to sleep, but winced every time she had to bend. Bucky hadn’t even known she was there, but the flailing metal arm had some good force behind it when it had connected to her side. Undoubtedly, she would bruise, if her current sensitivity was anything to go by. 

Thirty minutes later she heard him step out of the tub, and pull the drain, and a few minutes after that he came out of the bathroom, redressed in the pajamas pants he’d been wearing when he went to sleep. He looked exhausted, and troubled, and Kayleigh felt her heart go out to him. 

“Did it help at all?” 

“Yeah. Tired,” he admitted, but eyed his bed warily. He was afraid of the nightmares, she knew. 

“You can watch a movie to help you fall asleep,” she suggested, getting her laptop out and opening it up. “How about Up?” 

It was one he enjoyed watching, because it was bright and colorful with a happy ending, she knew. He nodded and crawled back in, making himself comfortable while she arranged the laptop on his bedside table so he could watch. 

“I’m just in the living room if you need anything,” she whispered, and he nodded, looking up at her with child-like innocence. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, and she nodded, ruffling his hair softly before returning to the couch. He’d closed his eyes, almost, almost leaning into her touch, before he let his head fall back to the pillow as she pulled her hand away to exit his room. She made note of it on her phone before making herself comfortable on the couch once again.

When Kayleigh woke up, disoriented wasn’t enough to describe how she felt. The blankets were wrong, her head wasn’t propped against the arm of the couch, and the colors of the walls were even off. She sat straight up, panic enveloping her chest as her brain worked to try and figure out what was going on. 

She crawled out of the bed and to the hall, before she stopped short in her tracks. It was Bucky’s apartment, but she knew she’d put him to sleep in his bed with a movie playing after his nightmare. Then she’d listened to some music on her phone before finally falling back asleep on the couch. So how the hell did she end up in his room? And where was he? 

Rounding the corner of the small hall that separated his bedroom and bathroom doors from the living area, a hand flew up to cover her mouth. Curled up in the most uncomfortable looking ball on the couch was the massive ex-assassin himself, sleeping soundly and clutching her pillow. His feet stuck out of the blankets, although he had brought his knees up in an attempt to be more comfortable. He must have woken up and put her into his bed, taking the spot on the couch himself. 

“Oh Bucky,” she sighed, wishing everybody else could see the decidedly sweet person who was beginning to show through. It was still only seven am, and Bucky was still out for the count, so Kayleigh crawled back into the large bed and was out before her head touched the pillow.


	13. Chapter 13

“Scared,” he whispered, swallowing hard and nearly shaking from his spot behind her. Kayleigh had returned to her own apartment around eight thirty – after Bucky had woken up, so he would know where she went –to shower and get ready for the day, before returning to his apartment to let him know they were trying something different. He’d put on what Kayleigh considered to be his favorite clothes – a three quarter sleeve dark red Henley shirt, and black, slim fitting sweats – but she could feel the nerves radiating off of him. He’d taken to wearing this outfit when he knew they were taking on a new task, so she’d ascertained that they were, in some way or for some reason, comforting to him. Maybe they reminded him of something he hadn’t realized or told her.

“You’ll be fine. Nobody here wants to hurt you, and it’s a Saturday so it’s quiet. I just want you to come with me, that’s all,” she explained, rubbing his arm slightly. “But if you don’t want to try this, you don’t have to.” 

She’d found the mini-repulsor beam on her kitchen table with a note from Tony and Steve, and while she’d frowned at it, ultimately it was in the bottom of her tote bag. She didn’t want to have to hurt Bucky but if it came down to other people’s safety she trusted herself more than the guards to ensure no real harm came to him. They had guns, the note told her all this would do was stun and disorientate him, which would essentially disable him long enough for her to talk him down.

“No. Ready,” he nodded, squaring his shoulders in a determined fashion. He was taking on her challenge with military enthusiasm, which made Kayleigh smile. 

“Okay, let’s go,” she opened the door to his apartment, shouldered her bag, and waited for Bucky. He paused, hovering at the doorway for a few full minutes before he finally let his toes cross over the threshold that indicated his space from the rest. He understood that he was separated for a reason, and that he was afraid of breaking the rules. But Kayleigh wanted him to know he wasn’t a captive, not anymore. 

“Good job,” she smiled, and the corner of his mouth tugged up for just an instant before his usual expression returned. She’d requested the guards not be seated at their station, not wanting to trigger him before they even left his floor. Thankfully, they had listened. JARVIS was on full alert, watching them and ready to shut doors or lock corridors if necessary.

Her side was still sore from the incident the night before, the skin already turning a dark purple color where metal had impacted her skin. Kayleigh tended to bruise like a peach anyway, but this was a little more than that. Steve would give her hell when he realized something had happened and she hadn’t gotten medical attention. 

The elevator ride was uneventful, although she had to coach Bucky through a minor panic attack regardless. The small, enclosed space seemed to concern him, but with Kayleigh talking away at him he soon relaxed enough that she was no longer worried about any kind of outburst. The floor that housed her office, however, was another story. The few people who were there stared openly at the towering man behind her, and Bucky followed so closely behind her she could practically feel his breath on her neck. Or would have, if she hadn’t been a good half a foot shorter than he was. It was only his immense coordination that kept him from stepping on the heels of her shoes.

But nothing happened, aside from hearing him trying to keep his breathing controlled – a pause in a little alcove to talk to him and make sure he wasn’t going into an anxiety attack – was the only thing that happened as she stopped and said hello to people, introduced them to Bucky – which was more of just a ‘Hey, this is Bucky; I’ve been working with him the past couple of months,” and no response from him except for the occasional nod – and then they were in her office, the door closing behind them. 

“Bucky you did great!” she smiled, turning around to see he was shaking where he stood. Kayleigh’s mood immediately dissipated, and she sat him down in her chair and checked his pulse. His heart was racing. Sweat was beginning to sheen on his forehead, and she knew he’d over-exerted himself without telling her.

“Talk to me Bucky, it’s okay, you’re okay,” she repeated, and he looked up at her with pained eyes. They were eyes wise beyond his years, and to Kayleigh they looked wise beyond the 99 years his body had physically been around for. It was the kind of look nobody should ever have to be haunted with.

“Monster, to them,” he answered, and it was like he’d shot her through the heart. 

“You’re not a monster,” she informed him, sitting on the edge of her desk to speak to him. “You’re a man. A tall, well built man with a cool metal arm. Intimidating? Yes. Monster? Not even close.” 

“To them, I am,” he repeated, eyes downcast and she realized he was staring at his metal hand. “Killer.” 

“You couldn’t help that Bucky, you had no choice,” Kayleigh’s voice softened as she tipped his chin up to force him to look at her. Pain was swimming in the blue depths, and she caressed his cheek for a moment before letting her hand drop. 

“Monster? To you?” he asked, putting his hand out on the desk like they did in the contact exercise. This time, however, he put out his metal hand. He usually avoided contact as much as was possible with it. 

“No. To me, you’re Bucky,” she answered, sliding her hand into his metal palm without a second thought. The look he gave her was the closest thing to happiness she’d ever seen flit across his features. His eyes softened, and the corner of his mouth struggled to lift into some semblance of a grin. But she could see it in his eyes; the warmth in the blue depths.

It was saying something for him to look happier than he had standing in the shower having her shampoo his hair.


	14. Chapter 14

“How did it go?” Steve asked. Their mission had hit a few snags, so instead of being back Saturday night for their movie night, it was now Tuesday and he’d just gotten on the quinjet to return to New York. Everybody was exhausted, but no worse for wear, he’d assured her. 

“It went really well; it exhausted him but he did really good,” she answered, holding the phone between her shoulder and ear while she swapped laundry between the washing machine and dryer. She was bad at keeping up with laundry as it was – not being a fan of folding it – but with having to keep on top of Bucky’s as well she was becoming more organized about it. 

“Yeah?” 

“We’ve done it every day since,” she continued, and heard Steve suck in a breath. She knew it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission sometimes, but she still hated the thought of disappointing or angering Steve. Even if she knew there was no real danger.

“You’ve had the stunner with you? Every time?” he asked, and she rolled her eyes, even though Steve couldn’t see it. 

“Unfortunately, yes. But, I’ve never had to even think about using it,” she informed him, and heard Steve sigh. She could picture him running a hand through his hair and letting his palm slide down his face as he took a breath, trying to compose himself.

“I’m sorry, you know I just worry. He’s so strong,” 

“I know Steve, it’s okay,” she paused, instead of walking past her full-length hall mirror. With a wince, Kayleigh lifted up the bottom of her sweater, to see the dark purple mark across the bottom of her rib cage. It looked so much worse than it felt, but even almost four full days it was still very tender. 

“Why did you wince? What happened?” Steve asked, immediately sounding panicked again. Kayleigh groaned, dropping the bottom of her sweatshirt and making her way back to her living room to plop onto the couch. They’d done the work floor exercise again today - which had been considerably busier – and so she had left Bucky napping in his bed to get some errands done around her own place. 

“Just a bruise, it’s a little tender,” she told him, and heard Steve suck in a breath. 

“What’s the bruise from, Kayleigh?” 

Shit. “Bucky had a bad nightmare the night before you left. He wasn’t even awake; he was stuck in it and flailing… I just got in the way while I was trying to wake him up,” she finally coughed up the truth, and immediately was getting an earful from Steve about it. 

“Hey! Look, it was an accident. He didn’t even know I was there – and I’m fine, really,” she insisted, but it was useless. Steve was on a tirade now. 

“I am looking at it the moment I get back, and then we are having dinner and watching a movie. I know that being invested is part of what makes you so good at this job, but you have to have time for yourself too. You’re getting hurt and sleeping on the couch up there and shrugging it all off like it’s something anybody would do. That’s not okay,” he told her, and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. She was a little emotionally exhausted, but in a good way. She felt helpful.

“Steve, if I don’t do that he’s literally completely isolated, that’s not okay either. He isn’t truly ready to be integrated into social settings all the time… I can’t do that to him. He’s your best friend,” she answered, and she could tell that he’d heard the dip her emotions had taken. Nobody knew her better than Steve did, and even the slightest change of tone was noticeable to him.

“Kayleigh… I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you. You know I worry about you; you’re my best friend too,” he softly told her, and she answered positively before hearing the dryer ding in her laundry room. 

“I’ll talk to you in a couple hours okay?” she asked. 

“You bet. See you soon Kay,” he answered, and the call disconnected. She sat her phone down on the coffee table, taking a deep breath and swiping at the stray tear on her cheek before getting up to finish the one task she’d decided needed to get finished today. 

It was only a few hours later that she could hear the muted buzzing noise that announced the Avengers Quinjet returning to the tower, and Kayleigh knew that after a twenty minute de-briefing, a few minutes to scarf down some food and shower that Steve would be knocking at her door. Thankfully, she’d finished all of the laundry; Bucky’s basket was sitting by the doorway so she could take it to him in the morning, hers was even put away. As a pat on the back to herself, she’d even poured a glass of wine. JARVIS had let her know Bucky was watching some TV and had even eaten his dinner on his own before passing out snoring on his couch, so she wasn’t too concerned about him for the evening.

Steve didn’t even bother with knocking this time; he simply burst into her apartment, bag of Chinese takeout in hand, and concern all over his features. He dropped the bag onto the counter, turned on his heel and gathered Kayleigh into his arms, lifting her straight up off the couch as if she weighed only a feather. She melted into Steve’s arms, so glad to have her best friend back from the mission safe and sound. 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she mumbled against his chest, the sweater he’d put on incredibly soft beneath her touch. The soft, earthy but crisp scent that was Steve Rogers assaulted her senses, and she breathed deeply. He was comforting, and safe, and even just having him there did wonders for her.

“I want to make sure you’re okay,” he countered, sitting down on the couch and keeping her in his arms, leaving her to sit across his lap, head on his shoulder. Missions never got easier; it was needless to say for both of them. 

“Let me see that bruise,” he instructed her a few minutes later, when both of them felt a little better and didn’t need any more reassurance that all was well. 

Kayleigh sighed, knowing Steve wouldn’t stop until he saw it, so she stood and slowly pulled the side of her sweater up to reveal the dark purple mark. The sharp intake of breath was all she needed to hear; Steve wasn’t happy. It was bad enough that he hadn’t even blushed at how high she’d had to lift her shirt to show him the bruise – the bottom of the band of her bra nearly visible. Usually anything even slightly ‘scandalous’ was enough to have Steve fire engine red – if a tank top was just a little too low cut, or jeans that rode too low. He was still very old fashioned in that sense. So for him to be too overwhelmed to notice wasn’t good.

His fingers gently traced along the edge of the mark, before he traced along the line of her rib. Kayleigh knew that he was trying to discern if it was broken or not. Steve was always borderline overbearing when he was worried about someone; it was a feature that made him an amazing friend, even if you wanted to yell at him sometimes.

“It’s really not that bad; you know how easy I bruise,” she told him, but the look he gave her quieted any arguments she might have had. 

“It is that bad Kayleigh; you’ve bruised a rib. I don’t think it’s broken, but it could be cracked,” he worried, but she quickly sat down beside him and curled against his side. 

“He didn’t even know I was there Steve. It’s really not his fault,” she reminded him, and felt the shaky breath he took. He knew better than anyone that something like that wasn’t in Bucky – James Buchanan Barnes Bucky’s – nature. She knew it hurt him worse than it hurt her; his best friend had been as much of a gentleman as he was, she knew. Even if he’d liked to chase tail more than Steve had.

“I know, it just worries me,” he tried to give her a smile, before turning his attention to the food on the counter. “How about you pick a movie and we get started on this food. I see you started the wine without me.” 

“It’s cheap; you wouldn’t like it and you know it,” she teased, glad that Steve had provided her with an out from their conversation. She quickly turned on some new action flick, knowing Steve enjoyed them and she could mindlessly follow along, while he got out plates and dished them up. They’d done this so many times that she could simply go and pour him a glass of wine – not that he’d like it or feel it anyway – and sit down, knowing that all her favorite things would be on the plate. 

With that they curled up and ate, watching several movies together on her couch. Kayleigh only checked in on Bucky once, and was informed that Bucky was sleeping, although a little restlessly. She felt bad, knowing it was probably because she hadn’t been there for his nightly routine. Steve insisted she not worry; it was only one night, anyway, and with that they watched movies until they fell asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

That was the first of several nights that she and Steve fell asleep on the couch together watching movies; and Steve had a habit of waking up, putting her into bed, and then retaking his spot on the couch. Kayleigh insisted he could just crawl in with her – they were adults, they could handle sharing a bed – but old fashioned Steve always just kissed the top of her head and said that wouldn’t be treating her right before retreating to the couch or his spare room. Which would have been fine, if he didn’t give up his own bed to her as well as putting her into her own. 

Bucky was continuing to make progress; she’d brought him out a few more times over the next few weeks, and there were a few people who no longer watched him with hawk eyes as he went by, but simply smiled, waved or nodded, and continued on their way. That was major progress in itself and she knew Bucky noticed the difference in treatment as well. He still followed meekly behind her, and still seemed to only show submissive qualities toward her; when a guard had tried to pull her from her office he had gone Soldier – pinning the man against the wall, his feet dangling a foot off of the ground for having put a hand on Kayleigh’s side. She had winced, only because he had unknowingly touched the still yellow-green bruise. And she was sure that was what had set Bucky off; she hadn’t done a good enough job of masking the pain that had been accidentally caused.

“Bucky! Bucky! Enough!” she hated raising her voice, but he snapped out of it in an instant and was on the other side of the room, shaking and staring at the ground as the guard fell to the floor, gasping for breath. Kayleigh quickly went to the guard to ensure he was okay, apologizing profusely, before ushering him to go get medical attention. Once he’d closed the door she turned her attention to the man nearly in a full-blown panic attack in the middle of her office. He was trying to show submission to her again; refusing to make eye contact, dropping his shoulders, letting her see his palms and trying to make himself seem smaller. That was when she realized he was afraid of what would happen to him. He knew he had done something wrong, and expected repercussions for his actions. Severe ones, if this was any indication, although she tried to ease some explanation out of him for how quickly he’d became physical with the guard.

“Hurt you,” was all Bucky would say, exasperating her. She had taken in the slight chaos of her office; chairs upturned with the force and speed Bucky had sprung at the guard with. But he was almost tight-lipped about the situation, whether it was the programming or his own decision, she didn’t know.

“You can’t just attack someone Bucky,” she explained, moving to right an upturned chair but wincing again. She’d moved and bent too quickly, and the pain in her side knocked the air out of her.

“Hurt,” he repeated, quickly righting the chair for her so she wouldn’t move again. As soon as he’d put the chair back on its legs he was back in the same spot, exhibiting the same tells. It was like Bucky was struggling between what he wanted and the programming in his head; he couldn’t seem to mesh things together in a way that made sense. He wanted to protect her when he saw Kayleigh in pain, yet it was the soldier who had pinned the man against the wall. He expected to be punished as the soldier for his actions, yet Bucky wanted to help her and keep her from causing herself any other pain.

“It wasn’t him; I have a bruise,” she continued, trying to make Bucky understand. “I wasn’t in danger.” 

“Who hurt you?” he asked, sounding gruff, and his blue eyes were burning. She knew it would kill him if she told him. Bucky had become protective of her when she was in his space; whether he’d turned her into a mission in a sense she had yet to discover, but if she slept on his couch now she woke up in his bed, with him either sleeping on the floor in front of his bedroom door or on the couch. Places where he could intercept anyone who could possibly try to get to her.

“It’s not important.” 

“Important,” he pushed, and she sighed. She ran a hand through his hair, wishing she could prepare him for what he was about to hear. Bucky tried, against all odds, to protect her from anything he was afraid could be a threat. She knew he wouldn’t take this well.

“The last bad nightmare you had, you were still asleep and flailing your arms. You hit me on accident when I tried to wake you up,” she finally admitted, and saw Bucky take a step back, shock all over his face. His eyes moved toward her side, begging her to show him, and with a grimace she revealed to him what was left of the bruise. Kayleigh watched the air leave him, his eyes widen as if she’d punched him in the solar plexus with all her might, and immediately regretted even telling him about it.

“I…” he opened his mouth again but no sound came out. He retreated to the corner of the room, and curled up in a ball in it, hands over his head. Kayleigh wasn’t sure what to do; she had never seen this response before. 

“Bucky you didn’t mean to, it’s okay,” 

“No…” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” she repeated, trying to pull his hands from his face to look at him, but needless to say he overpowered her. She couldn’t even budge his forearms. 

“Monster,” he rasped out, and she realized tears were dripping down his cheeks. This time they came to her eyes as well, and she wrapped her arms around him, even though she knew he hated this kind of bodily contact. 

“You’re not a monster, you’re not,” she murmured, running her hands through his hair as he silently let the tears fall. His expression stayed stoic, the only giveaway to what turmoil was going on inside was the pain in his eyes and the silent tears sliding down his features.

“Let’s go back to your apartment, okay?” she suggested, but he shook his head. Wide, pained eyes moved to the door, and she realized he didn’t want to face everyone in the hall. He was afraid they would know, that they would look at him with the disgust he was feeling.

“We’ll use the back way,” she softly told him, and he followed along behind her without a word as she slipped into a service hall and took the elevator up to her floor. Nobody would be walking around there, and they could access the usual elevator to his floor. 

Bucky curled up in the corner of his bedroom once they were there, still refusing to make eye contact with her, still repeating that he was a monster whenever she tried to speak to him about it. 

“Do you want to do another exercise?” she asked, and saw his head shoot up, fear splashed across his face. 

“Just here, just with us,” she said, and he nodded. Kayleigh had been doing some research, and while it was a little toward the experimental side, doing smaller-scale versions of it had allowed him to begin reaching out. Bucky would now touch her hand or her shoulder without full-blown anxiety. 

“Yes,” he told her. She worried he would agree simply to try and please her, to make it up to her, but she wanted him to see that he could do well, that he wasn’t the monster he believed himself to be. 

“Okay, change into some gym shorts then,” she told him, before leaving his bedroom and softly closing the door. She slipped out of her heels, glad to be rid of them, and answered a text message from Tony about the incident. She let her boss know she was unharmed; that Bucky had been removed from the floor and that there was no threat to safety being posed. She wasn’t sure Tony believed her, but it was something. Undoubtedly she would get pulled into a meeting with Tony, Steve, and Bruce about this.

He opened the bedroom door and stood there, waiting for further instruction. She could see the scars that covered his torso – they were so faint, like his skin had mostly erased them from his body, but they were still clinging to him. The stories they could tell, she mused, as she took him in. 

“Lay down on your stomach,” she softly instructed, and while she could tell he was on edge he did as she asked. She started with his hand, doing movements that they had practiced; touching her fingertips to his, before laying her palm in his hand. Then she began moving up his forearm, massaging the muscles, trying to keep the touch as gentle as possible. He tensed, but didn’t shake, and soon relaxed. Once he showed no signs of stress, she moved up to his bicep. Again, his entire body tensed, and this time there was some shaking, but she continued massaging and touching until there were no stress symptoms left. 

Kayleigh moved to his shoulder, taking nearly a half an hour for his shaking to settle down and his breathing to return to normal. She’d even had to check his pulse twice. His neck, she knew, would be very sensitive and very scary to him, as it was such a vulnerable spot, so she decided that any contact there could wait. How often did someone have their neck touched, anyway? 

They stayed in his room for three hours as she worked her way across and down his back, until she could touch his arm or his back without any panic from him, without him shaking, or heaving for air, waiting for something bad to happen. He was, however, nearly dripping with sweat from the mental exertion it took for him to manage this. She hadn’t noticed until he turned over to lie on his back, and saw the damp mark on the sheets. 

“Is this okay? Do you want to stop?” she asked, but Bucky shook his head. 

“It’s okay,” he told her, making her raise an eyebrow. 

“Do you want to keep going or do you simply want to do what I want?” she asked, and after a few minutes she could have sworn she saw pink tinge his cheeks.

“Make it up to you,” he mumbled, and made himself comfortable on his back, before raising his right hand and offering it to her to begin the process all over again. 

“If you want,” she allowed, and he motioned his hand again, so they began the long, slow process once more. It was more triggering for him to be able to see someone touching him, to see the hand coming toward his skin. It took them even longer for Kayleigh to work her way across his chest and partway down his stomach than it had his back, and even yet there was still a negative stress response from him. 

“I think that’s more than enough. You did really, really good,” she told him with a warm smile, patting his knee encouragingly before realizing that she’d never touched his knee before. He didn’t seem to mind, however, and simply blew out a huff. He touched her side, where the bruise was, and then shook his head. 

“Not good enough,” he told her, and she caressed his cheek. That was the sign to let him know all was okay, and he knew it. Even though he seemed to be trying to reject the assurance with avoiding eye contact and refusing to relax to the touch.

“Don’t think about it, okay?” she pleaded, and he shrugged his shoulders. 

“Bath?” he asked, and Kayleigh nodded as she went to run the water for him. He’d taken to her calming idea of the lavender baths, and after a more standout stressful day tended to ask her if he could have one. At least it was some form of self-care he was starting to experience. 

Her phone buzzed, a text from Steve that Natasha wanted to rent a new movie on the TV and that Kayleigh was expected to join them. Her fingers hovered above the screen, and she almost didn’t realize that she was chewing on her lip in concentration. She wanted to bring Bucky along, but knew Natasha and Steve would have a very difficult time trying to see him in his current state.

She jumped when she realized Bucky had left the bathroom and was now standing in the doorway, watching her carefully. He could read people, she knew, as it had been part of his ‘job’ while under HYDRA’s brainwashing. Instead, she gave him a quick smile, replied to Steve that she would be there, and set the phone down.

“Feel better?” she asked, but he simply shrugged. 

“Tired,” he answered. With that she put a hand on his shoulder, trying to show how happy she was with how the day had ended. He didn’t shrug her off, but he stood for a few moments to allow the contact before walking toward his room. Bucky was slowly getting better at going to sleep without her talking to him until he drifted off, but Kayleigh still preferred to stick to the routine where it was possible. 

“Goodnight Bucky,” she whispered, as his eyelashes settled against his cheeks. He was absolutely exhausted, she knew, from the way his breathing immediately began to settle the moment he’d gotten comfortable against his pillow. 

“Night,” he whispered, lips hardly moving as he drifted into sleep. Kayleigh smiled to herself, glad that he was moving along as well as he was. Soon, she knew, was going to put him to the test again.


	16. Chapter 16

“Dr. Stone, I am terribly sorry to interrupt your sleep, but I believe Mr. Barnes is in distress,” 

Kayleigh was disoriented, her dreams having been a mess; fleeting pictures of places and people she couldn’t grasp or hold on to long enough to understand. Her heart was pounding in her chest from it, from some strange feeling deep in her gut that those people needed her help and she’d failed them. 

“What?” 

“Mr. Barnes, he is in distress. He awoke from another nightmare, and has called for you,” JARVIS repeated himself, and Kayleigh felt her stomach drop once more.   
Calling for her? 

“What do you mean, called for me?” she asked, and sat up slowly, still trying to shake the unease her dreams had left her with, even as they were beginning to fade from her memory. 

“Beginning playback,” the AI informed her, before she realized he’d been recording audio within the apartment. 

She could hear the thrashing, the whimpering and hissing noises that usually accompanied one of Bucky’s nightmares. He called out, in what must have been Russian, before he let out a scream that was cut off halfway. Kayleigh was in tears, her hand up to cover her mouth as she listened. It seemed Bucky had woken himself up, and then she heard it. 

“Kay?” his voice was soft, broken even, as he shakily called for her. She could practically hear the tears that were dripping down his cheeks, and was throwing on a pair of sweats and a hoodie even as JARVIS continued with the recording. 

“Kay… please…” he begged, and the sniff that came broke Kayleigh’s heart. 

“Thank you for telling me JARVIS,” she said, and got a positive response from the AI. 

“May I ask you something?” 

“Of course, Dr. Stone,” 

“Are you always recording audio from Bucky’s apartment?” she asked as she slipped on her shoes and grabbed the keycard for his security system. 

“The audio is recorded but the information is only saved when I deem it necessary for either yourself or Mr. Stark, such as in this situation. 99.98 percent of the audio is destroyed without ever being accessed or listened to, for the privacy of yourself and Mr. Barnes. The .02 percent would refer to me playing back this incident. Would you like this audio destroyed?” he explained, and Kayleigh paused for a moment. 

“Could you… send it to my laptop please? And then delete any other saved instances of it,” she asked, and heard a noise come from her computer in her bedroom.   
“Consider it done, Dr. Stone,” 

“Thank you JARVIS, I appreciate it,” she told him, and hardly heard the AI’s response as she left her apartment and bolted toward the elevator. 

Kayleigh would have taken the stairs, but knowing she’d have ran out of breath before making it halfway to Bucky’s quarters and would have to summon the elevator anyway, she didn’t bother. Tapping her foot against the floor in aggravation she waited impatiently while it went up, hoping like hell Bucky would be all right when she got there. 

The security system was slow, but the beeping noise it made when it accepted her card and thumb scan startled the guard awake. He was standing with his hand on the butt of his pistol at his hip in an instant, before realizing who she was. Kayleigh had frozen, not wanting to startle him further, and he’d apologized profusely while she’d shaken it off. 

“Bucky? Bucky are you here?” she asked as she let herself in, and heard the whimpering noise go silent as if somebody had clapped a hand over his mouth. Maybe he had. 

“Bucky?” she walked in and took off her shoes, and then saw him curled up in a ball in the far corner of his living room, the blanket around his shoulders. He’d tried to cocoon himself, but she could see him trembling from where she stood in the entrance. His back was pressed against the corner, ensuring nobody could catch him off guard, and she wondered where in his mind he was. Obviously the Soldier had been somewhat present; enough for Bucky to take precautionary measures to protect himself, but not enough to hide the distress that James Barnes associated with whatever he saw.

“What happened?” she asked, quickly making her way to him and dropping to her knees in front of him. His eyes were red, and she could see the paths that the tears had taken down his cheeks. Bucky’s lips were swollen and chapped; he’d been chewing on them in either an attempt to quiet himself or just while he’d been trying to fight the tears. He’d even put bruises along his cheek where he’d clamped a hand over his mouth to silence his cries.

“They… they came…” he told her, before squeezing his eyes shut as he nearly convulsed again. She put a hand on his back, wanting nothing more than to pull him into a hug, but understanding that would probably only panic him worse. Maybe even send him into another episode if she wasn’t careful. But she rubbed his back softly until he lifted his head enough for her to be able to caress his cheeks. 

“Who came Bucky?” 

“Them…” she could hear the venom in his voice, even if it was weakened by his emotions. It emanated from him in waves, the terror laced with hatred. “Handler.”

He’d had a handler. Kayleigh shook her head and tried to wipe the worst of the tears from his cheeks as best as she could. She needed to remain calm, so that he would begin to come down from the adrenaline pumping through his system thanks to his panic. It was just so difficult to not break down seeing him like this. He seemed so broken, in so much pain, and so desperately in need of the help he wanted but couldn’t ask for, or didn’t believe was really coming.

“Nobody is going to get you Bucky. I’ll protect you,” she assured him, but he shook his head. 

“No…” 

“I will. No matter what,” she repeated, but he shook his head and stared at her, his eyes cutting right through her and into her soul. There was so much pain behind them that she almost needed to tear her gaze away from him. 

“They… hurt you. Can’t… no…” he sniffed, before burying his face against her neck, letting the sobs come this time. This was the most uninhibited she’d ever seen him, and after only a few moments of hesitation she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him tight to her. He put his hand on her forearm – his metal one, even – and just let her hold him. 

“Can’t… rather die than… than go back. Or let… you hurt…” he gasped for air as he choked the words out, and Kayleigh bit back her own sob this time. How anyone could argue that he was a criminal or a danger, when he was simply the victim of terrible crimes was beyond her. He refused to speak of his time at HYDRA at all, and yet he was telling her that he would rather die than go back. That he would rather die than let them hurt her too. She leaned her cheek against the top of his head and quietly soothed him, feeling the shaking settle out to trembles before he finally pulled away from Kayleigh and let his head lean against the wall behind him. 

“Feel any better?” her voice felt too loud, too rough against the silence in his apartment, even though she was doing hardly more than whispering. Bucky made a minute shrug, and Kayleigh ran a hand through his hair. 

“I’m sorry… I wish I could do more to help,” she felt her voice crack again and those stormy eyes turned to her. 

“Do help,” he argued weakly, before a hiccup surprised him. She stroked his cheek and tried to smile for him. 

“Not enough. It doesn’t feel like enough,” was all Kayleigh could say before she pressed a quick kiss to his temple. Bucky simply looked at her, before he let his eyes close for a few moments as he simply breathed. His hand was still on her forearm, and Kayleigh was glad he hadn’t simply pulled away from her – he still wanted her comfort in some way. 

“Is,” he assured her, and cracked a part smile. It was a little lopsided, but it was there, and Kayleigh felt herself relax a little bit when she saw it. 

“Do you want to try and go back to sleep?” immediately Bucky tensed up, absolute terror striking his handsome features, and Kayleigh wished she could backtrack.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” she murmured and finger-combed his hair as Bucky tried to calm himself again. 

“They’ll come,” he told her, and she realized that he meant his dreams would bring back the horrors he’d been experiencing. 

“Want me to stay?” she asked, and his brow furrowed for a moment before he looked away from her. 

“Could hurt you,” he mumbled, but Kayleigh shook her head and cupped his cheek to make him look at her. 

“No, I’ll be fine,” 

“They hurt you…” 

Maybe his dreams had been twisting his past and his reality together, she wondered, especially with the way Bucky seemed to fear anything happening to her. She could understand that, after his last bout of being stuck in a nightmare had left her with a bruise, but that was her own fault too. But whoever was coming after him in his dreams scared him more than anything else. 

“I’ll hurt them if they touch a hair on your head,” she told him, her voice gaining an edge she wasn’t aware she owned. “I’ll protect you, here and in there.” 

She tapped lightly on the top of his head, and after a moment Bucky nodded and leaned his forehead against her for just an instant before pulling back again. 

“Promise?” 

“I promise,” she repeated, and finally got him up to his feet. Bucky’s chest was bare, and she could see the goosebumps covering him where the sweat was cooling against his skin and undoubtedly leaving him chilled. 

“Want some water?” she asked. Bucky thought on it for a moment before shaking his head, and slowly walking back toward his bedroom. He paused at the doorway, and then seemed to have to steel himself to cross the threshold and walk in. 

Kayleigh watched him carefully before she crawled on top of the covers and settled in beside him. Bucky turned over to face her, before getting up and pulling an extra blanket from the closet. With gentleness she’d have been hard pressed to find in anybody she knew he unfolded the blanket and tucked her in as if she were the most precious thing he had ever seen. His hands were gentle, and his touch soft as he tried not to touch her too much in his caring action. Kayleigh smiled at him as he got back beneath the covers, but this time he laid on his side facing away from her. He still shook, and after a few minutes Kayleigh realized he was shaking himself awake. Bucky was afraid to let himself go to sleep and have to encounter the nightmares. 

“I’ll protect you,” Kayleigh mumbled, hardly loud enough for him to hear, and then sidled right up against his back, wrapping an arm around his waist. Bucky froze for a moment before pressing back against her, trying to get as close as was humanely possible to her without having to face her. Kayleigh smiled, and pressed another whisper soft kiss to the nape of his neck before closing her eyes and letting herself fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I fell off the bandwagon and didn't post for so many days! The joys of finals...   
> anyhow - I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! A little bit of Bucky we haven't seen yet :)


	17. Chapter 17

“Ready to go?” 

About a month after the first emotional breakthrough Bucky had had after that night terror, Kayleigh was in Bucky’s apartment bright and early. She saw the bewildered, just rolled out of bed look on his face and nearly laughed. He looked so… normal, like this. It was the same look Steve had when you managed to wake him up and catch him off guard. 

Normally she wasn’t much of a morning person either, but December and the way that the Christmas season seemed to latch on to New York and turn it into a beautiful Winter Wonderland without the freezing temperatures had captivated her since she’d first moved here. She loved to roll out of bed, keeping a blanket wrapped around herself and enjoy a cup of coffee while watching the city wake up. Every other month of the year she’d rather roll over and get an extra half hour of sleep, but this one just had that effect on her. 

“Huh?” it was a mix of speaking and a grunt that left his lips as he stood in the doorway to his room, running a hand through his long hair to push it out of his face. He blinked a few times, eyes focusing on her, and then he raised an eyebrow at her. He posed a silent question, which made Kayleigh grin to herself. Bucky was slowly discovering physical ways to convey what he was feeling or thinking, and she’d began to notice these small, physical hints to whatever was going on behind his usually guarded expression.

“Sleep in this morning?” she teased, and the tug was at the corner of his lips, letting her know the joke had been understood. 

“Was tired,” he explained, and she nodded. 

“I know you were; you had a big day yesterday. But, I have a question for you,” she said, sitting down on the couch. She had piqued his interest, she could tell, but she knew he wouldn’t say anything. 

They had done another of the massage exercises the day before; she had given him a full week since the first one to see if he would have muscle memory of it or if they would have to start from square one. It hadn’t been quite square one, but very close to it. He did all right when she touched his hand and forearm – both areas they had worked on before – but when she touched his bicep he had jumped and the muscles had twitched and she knew he still expected pain with contact. They’d spent the entire afternoon working on it, and Bucky had had an episode. Something Kayleigh hadn’t seen before due to his programming. 

He’d begun to shake; gasping for air like he was fighting something in his brain, and his eyes had rolled back. It was almost like a seizure; she could tell he was still – mostly – coherent, but she could also tell he was in a lot of pain. There had been no option but to call Steve for help, just to try and keep him from flailing and hurting himself, while it had eaten Steve alive to see Bucky like that, she knew Steve would have to see him eventually. Bucky hadn’t recognized him, even after the episode had subsided, which had been the hardest part for the Captain. 

Bucky hadn’t been able to settle after that, and Kayleigh had found herself humming and talking him to sleep, her hand in a tight grip inside his massive palm. He’d clung to her, in his own, different way, and she’d ended up falling asleep on the bed beside him, even in jeans and a work shirt. He’d woken several times in the night, and each time Kayleigh had been there to soothe him back to sleep, until she’d left at seven o’clock to go back to her own apartment and begin getting ready for the day. 

The weeks following had been met with similar results; every time she attempted the exercise and he seemed to begin to relax and reached a comfortable level it was like the programming was trying to over rule him. Steve had had to step in every single time an episode happened, worried Kayleigh would get hurt on accident again. The thought worried Bucky as much as it worried Steve. Every time it happened, once he was himself again, he’d ask her if she was okay. But he kept pushing to do the exercises, even if it scared him; she knew he wanted to make her happy by doing them.

“I have to go downtown and run some errands… would you like to come with me?” she asked, and heard the small intake of breath. 

“Downtown?” Bucky’s question was soft, and she nodded at him as she took in his response to her words. 

“Yeah – I need to go mail a few letters, grab a few groceries, and I promised everyone I would bring donuts,” 

“Safe?” he asked, and she nodded. 

“I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t think it was,” she answered, and Bucky seemed lost in thought for a moment, before he squared his shoulders and nodded. 

“First,” he pointed to the bathroom, and Kayleigh laughed as she nodded. He wanted to shower and get ready for the day before they went. It was a good step; when he’d first came to the tower almost four months ago self-care and personal hygiene hadn’t been on his list of priorities. 

The shower was quick, and after he’d dressed in the black sweats he’d walked to the edge of the living room, standing there but fidgeting. It was a sign he was trying to muster the ability to ask for something, so Kayleigh quietly sat and let him work it out in his head, prepared to wait him out. 

“Shave?” he finally choked out, and she nodded before following him into the bathroom. JARVIS had control of the small compartment – which was reinforced so that Bucky couldn’t break into it even if he’d wanted – where the razor was kept. She’d taken to letting him do the shaving himself, which he seemed to enjoy. His hands were steady, and he shaved the stubble from his face in a methodical manner, never missing a hair. She still had to hover in the doorway and keep an eye on him with the razor, thanks to everybody else’s insistence. 

With that done he pulled on a shirt and a hoodie, and then came to a realization. He looked to Kayleigh, and then back down at the floor, the shuffling and isolated breaths back. 

“Shoes?” he finally asked, and Kayleigh felt ridiculous. She’d forgotten that Steve hadn’t got him shoes with his clothes, seeing as he probably wouldn’t be leaving the tower in the foreseeable future with his condition at the time. Aside from going to the office Kayleigh usually traipsed around in sock feet, so it hadn’t occurred to her either. It didn’t seem abnormal to hang around Bucky’s apartment barefooted.

“Oh shit,” the words slipped out of her mouth before she could help it, and Kayleigh slapped a hand over her mouth after she realized it. There was snow on the ground outside, and here she didn’t even have a pair of shoes for him. She stared at Bucky, eyes wide, before she saw the corner of his mouth tug up again, and then an odd, strangled noise came from his throat, nearly surprising himself as much as he’d surprised her. 

He was laughing at her. 

“Bucky!” she laughed, bumping her shoulder against him as her face turned red. He calmed slightly, but the occasional chuckle – although it sounded rough – still came from him. 

“I’ll get you some shoes,” she promised, face still red. She texted Steve, because he was probably the only person who would know what Bucky needed or would like. 

_I’ve got some spare running shoes – he can borrow them until I can get him a pair._ Steve answered, and Kayleigh sent him a thank you before she turned back to her company for the morning. He was still eyeing her with humor in his gaze, and she blushed again as she rolled her eyes. 

“You’re not gonna let that go, are you?” she teased, and Bucky shook his head at her, almost smirking.

“Will you let it go if I buy you a donut?” she bribed, and saw that Bucky’s attention had quite efficiently been grabbed. They’d had donuts back in the thirties, she was sure. He seemed to have a bit of a sweet tooth as well, and Steve had divulged that information to her. Apparently as a kid Bucky had loved anything sweet and sugary that he could get his hands on. Some things didn’t change.

“Perhaps,” he allowed, and then jumped when there was a knock on his front door. On instinct, Bucky tugged on her arm, pulling Kayleigh behind him as he was immediately on the balls of his feet, left arm raised in a fighting stance, eyes narrowing and trying to assess the situation. It took Kayleigh a few extra seconds to process what had happened, but she laid a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. 

“Bucky, Bucky it’s okay – that’s Steve with your shoes, it’s okay,” she kept her voice soft as he slowly straightened up. 

“Kayleigh?” she heard Steve’s voice, muffled through the walls as he called out. 

“Just a second!” 

“It’s okay Bucky, I promise,” after hearing the words again he finally let his guard down a bit. He returned to a regular stance, but she could see he was still on edge. The way he moved to keep himself close enough to her that he could intervene if necessary was a tip off, as well as the way his eyes immediately took in everything close to them, darting all over. She could practically see the different scenarios playing out in front of his eyes.

“Sorry about that,” Kayleigh apologized to Steve, who, she could tell, had been debating breaking the door down to see if she was all right. He had that look on his face. 

“Everything okay?” he asked quietly, eyeing Bucky for just an instant. It was enough to bring pain to his eyes, she could tell. He hated seeing Bucky not himself. 

“Yeah, he just panicked. Bucky’s not used to company knocking on the door,” was the explanation. Steve nodded, before giving his best friend a quick smile. 

“I brought you some sneakers – heard you’re stuck on errand duty this morning,” he tried to jest, but Bucky simply stood there, only nodding to acknowledge he’d been spoken to. That cut through Steve as well; he knew from Kayleigh the progress Bucky had been making with her, but it was obvious that Kayleigh was the only person Bucky cared to show that progress to. 

“Bucky,” she raised an eyebrow, and Steve saw the tall, intimidating man almost look bashful as he hung his head, not missing the slightly disapproving tone in Kayleigh’s voice. He knew she wasn’t happy with him and it obviously affected him. The submissive stance returned, and Steve nearly choked on his emotions when he saw it. This wasn’t like Bucky; this was somebody who had been trained to behave a certain way, and they both knew it.

“Thanks,” he said, speaking more to the floor than to Steve, but he’d take it. It was nice to hear Bucky’s voice, even if it wasn’t quite Bucky.

“No problem; well, you two stay out of trouble,” Steve teased, handing the shoes over to Kayleigh and winking at her. She laughed, insisting they would behave, but Bucky still refused to properly look up. She hadn’t expected him to join in, but she expected a little bit of a response. He’d been doing so much better in the communication department; she’d hoped he would have wanted to try to interact with Steve.

“Okay, well, uh, I’ll see you when you get back, okay?” he asked, and Kayleigh nodded enthusiastically. 

“Of course,” she grinned, and Steve pulled her in for a hug, squeezing her tight. He wanted to make sure she knew to call him if anything happened. Steve would undoubtedly be more forgiving assistance than Tony would. 

“See you around,” he held up a hand in a weak wave to Bucky, who hardly nodded at him again, before Kayleigh watched Steve go to the elevator and leave the floor. 

“Well, let’s get your shoes on and let’s head out,” thankfully, he seemed familiar with the motions of putting the shoes on and tying them, and after shrugging into a windbreaker they made their way down to ground level. There wasn’t a lot of activity in the parking lot, as most of the employees were already at work, so there wasn’t much extra stimuli for Bucky to have to contend with. 

He watched the New York streets go by with childlike wonder from the passenger seat of her car. It had been hard to keep the laughter back as Bucky had tried to fold his tall frame into her small vehicle, but he’d managed to do so as gracefully as possible. Now his face was all but pressed to the glass trying to take it all in. It was snowing lightly, just enough to see the flakes coming down and for traffic to have slowed a bit. The streets had some slushy snow on them, turned brown from the dirt and traffic, but she’d specifically driven past Central Park so Bucky could see it in all its’ winter splendor.

The thing that bothered her was that he’d been off since Steve had dropped off shoes for him. Hardly speaking, it was like he’d reverted a little bit, and it was bothering Kayleigh because she didn’t know why. 

“Do you want to wait in the car? I’m literally just going to drop this in the slot beside the door,” A tiny nod was all the answer she got, and she repressed the huff as she got out and walked over to the mailbox, sliding the letters into the open slot. Something was wrong. Even the fact she’d nearly slipped and fell, making a fool of herself in the middle of the sidewalk, hadn’t elicited a response from him.

The grocery store was similar; Bucky followed along behind her, kept his eyes down, and hadn’t answered any of her questions. It was understandable for him to be overwhelmed by everything going on around them, but Bucky had shut all of it out. He wasn’t reacting to anything going on around him because he was trying to close off and ignore it, the opposite of what she’d hoped for. 

She nearly lost her patience when she asked him to pick out what granola bars or snack food he wanted and he simply stood there. If he was acting out, it was working, because she felt like the mother of a petulant toddler who was about to throw a tantrum. 

He helped her carry the bags to the car and put them in the trunk, and they drove to Kayleigh’s favorite bakery in silence again. She was getting ready to blow, but trying the absolute best she could to not lose her cool. Bucky didn’t need any extra things to deal with while being out and about – it was enough new stressors on its own. He’d done well, but mostly because he’d ignored almost everything around them. 

“Okay, we need two dozen… you can pick them out,” she told him as she led him up to the glass counter. Bucky’s eyes snapped to focus finally, as he recognized that he had been given a task to complete. He understood tasks and instructions better than anything else. 

It took him almost ten minutes, and there had been some shaking and sweating and slow, settling breaths, but he picked out the donuts and thankfully the staff were more than accommodating. The girl behind the counter had obviously picked up that this was more than an average task for the man with her. While Kayleigh paid – Bucky still choosing the last few treats – she had quietly asked if he was a war vet doing rehabilitation. Kayleigh had nodded, thanking them for the understanding, and had graciously accepted the two boxes of donuts that were handed over to her. Bucky stuck his hands out to carry them for her, and begrudgingly Kayleigh obliged, letting him take them.

They made their way back to the car, parked along the bustling New York Avenue. But when they got in Kayleigh didn’t immediately move to start the car. 

“You need to tell me what’s wrong,” she asked, startling him. His eyes widened, before he stubbornly stared out the window, choosing to ignore her. 

_Choosing_ to ignore her. That was new. And it was incredibly frustrating. Kayleigh was an extremely patient person – you could ask literally anyone – but she was getting to the end of her fuse. She wasn’t sure why Bucky was able to push her buttons so effectively, but he was doing a damn good job of it.

“Bucky, do not ignore me,” she pushed, but he made no move to turn and face her. 

“What has you upset? Did I make you mad?” she asked, but he shook his head. His blue-grey eyes were focused on something down the street in the distance, and there wasn’t so much of a fraction of movement in her direction. He was good at choosing what to focus on.

“Well I don’t know how to fix it if you don’t talk to me!” she burst, too worked up to feel embarrassed over it. “I don’t like feeling like I can’t help you!” 

She sat back hard in her seat, all but fuming, trying to level out her breaths as she tamped the frustration down. Bucky had never shown any signs of anything like this before, and part of the frustration was not knowing the cause of his behavior, or how to deal with him like this. Did she treat him the way she would Steve? Did she have to be more careful? More abrupt? 

“Not you,” he finally spoke, his gravely voice sounding much louder in the small cab of her car. Still he refused to face her, and she tried to stare him down, to will him to look over at her. 

“What’s not me?” 

“Not upset at you,” he reiterated, and Kayleigh sat – not so patiently – for him to explain further. This was the first time he’d really admitted to an emotion or tried to explain what he was feeling aside from simply stating if he was tired or scared of something he was facing at that moment.

“That guy…” he took a deep breath, and she saw him curl his fingers into fists for a moment before making a conscious effort to relax them and open his palms. “He touched you.” 

He was upset because Steve had given her a hug? 

“Bucky, Steve is my friend. My very good friend… a hug is no reason to be upset. Steve’s—” she started, but he held a hand up to quiet her, startling her into silence. Had he been hiding even more progress from her? She knew he’d started to make leaps and bounds, but this was above and beyond that.

“Not that… ugh,” he groaned, and she knew trying to find the words when he’d gone so long without truly needing them was difficult. He dropped his gaze from the street to the donut box on his lap, and she could see the irises moving as he sifted through his brain for what he wanted to convey to her.

“That,” he motioned, so she knew he meant a hug. “Is vulnerable. Dangerous. Exposed to attack. To me, that is…intimate.” 

It shocked Kayleigh to her core, what Bucky had just conveyed to her. Explanation for his distaste of contact, of why it was so difficult for him to allow someone else to touch him. Why he panicked if she tried to pull him in for a hug; it exposed the most vulnerable parts of him, and he viewed it as an intimate sign of trust to do that. 

It hurt a little bit that he obviously did not trust her enough to feel like that was something he could accept, but she shoved that away. He’d been through hell and back for decades; she couldn’t blame him for that. 

“Does it make you, uncomfortable, to see that?” she probed, and he sighed. 

“No. It… I am… scared. Want to protect you. I…” he was speaking in the closest thing to full sentences she had heard, and while he was struggling he wanted to tell her, wanted to communicate. “I don’t like… _him_ … being… intimate… to you.” 

“Bucky, look at me,” Kayleigh’s voice was soft this time, but he was staring at the floor. Not shaking, not panicking, not showing any signs of an episode, he simply… didn’t want to face her. Was he embarrassed? 

“Steve is my best friend. Friend,” she emphasized the word. “I’m glad you told me. To me, a hug is not dangerous, or really that intimate. I’m very happy you explained how you felt to me. If it makes you feel better, I won’t hug anybody if you don’t think it’s safe for me to.” 

His head snapped up, eyes wide in surprise at her statement, as if he had expected nothing but negative response if she gave one at all. 

“What?” 

“I said, if it makes you feel better, I won’t hug anybody if you don’t think it’s safe for me to,” she gave him a soft smile and put her hand on his forearm in a show of support. He blinked slowly, looking at her hand on his arm, before he took a deep breath. 

He leaned over and wrapped his arms around Kayleigh’s shoulders, softly squeezing to what he must have judged was appropriate for a hug. She was taken so off guard it took her a moment to wrap her arms around him and hug him back. 

Kayleigh sniffed, knowing that the water works would undoubtedly start. Bucky had just told her that to him, hugging someone was essentially the ultimate show of trust; making yourself vulnerable to someone attacking you. But now? He trusted her enough to make himself vulnerable to her. 

“Crying?” he asked softly against her ear. She let out an awkward laugh, before nodding. 

“Just very happy,” she assured him, softly running her fingers through his hair as he pressed his temple against hers in a small show of affection before letting go.

“Let’s go home and take these donuts to everybody,” in an attempt to pull herself together she patted down her hair and started busying herself with chatting away. Bucky simply sat in the seat beside her, moving his hand so his fingertips brushed Kayleigh’s elbow where she rested against the console as she began to navigate them back to Stark Tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little longer than usual... there was just no way to cut this up. I love this chapter and finally getting glimpses of parts of Bucky we haven't really got to see yet :)   
> Hope you like it!!


	18. Chapter 18

“Merry Christmas!” Tony called out to everybody in the common room, and Kayleigh gave him a smile and a nod, champagne flute in hand. Tony made it mandatory for everybody involved in the Avengers Initiative to come to his Christmas party, and so here she was wearing an outfit Natasha had picked out and makeup Pepper had insisted on, wishing she were upstairs in leggings sitting on Bucky’s couch watching re-runs of old TV shows. 

“Merry Christmas,” Pepper was quieter, but received the same replies as they all lifted their drinks in a cheers and took a sip. They’d decided on drawing names for Christmas presents; seeing as everybody buying something for every single person would be tedious and difficult. Clint was already back home, not wanting to miss out on any of the holiday fun with his kids, even though Tony had tried to convince the Barton’s to come to New York and celebrate it at the tower with them. Kayleigh had known he would never go for it, but she was almost surprised Natasha had decided to stay instead of tagging along. She knew the kids loved their Aunt Tasha and that the feeling was mutual between the redhead and the mini Barton’s. 

“So, heading home to Wisconsin?” Steve asked, settling onto the couch beside her and putting an arm around her shoulders. Kayleigh shook her head, sipping her champagne once again. 

“Nah; I got them a cruise for their Christmas gift; they are off for two weeks in the Mediterranean,” she answered, and saw Steve light up. 

“That sounds like a lot of fun,” 

“I hope so,” she agreed, and then caught Tony trying to hang mistletoe between Rhodey and Sam, which made her laugh. She elbowed Steve to get his attention, and soon everybody was paying more attention to the two of them than they were Tony’s antics, which worked to his advantage. 

“Everybody freeze! Whoever’s under the mistletoe – you know the drill!” he announced, and soon everybody was looking around in a panic. It was a false panic, because nearly everybody else had seen exactly what Tony had set up, and were instead trying to cover up their laughter as they waited for the two men to notice.

“Oh hell no,” Sam immediately backed away from Rhodey, hands up in the air. “I ain’t kissing Rhodes.” 

“Same goes for you,” Rhodes agreed, crossing his arms and giving Tony a stern look. Tony merely put up his hands in surrender, claiming he had nothing to do with it when almost everybody else knew it was a bald-faced lie. 

They visited and ate while the television played Christmas music and the fireplace roared, and soon everybody was gathered around the fire and the Christmas tree. Steve had loosened his tie, the collar of his shirt open, and Kayleigh was giggling at too many things thanks to the second glass of champagne. She and Natasha had been visiting away about some new idea for a weaponized lipstick that Natasha was dreaming up when Steve cleared his throat. 

“Just wanted to say thanks to everybody, and that there’s nobody else I’d rather be spending the holidays with,” he raised his glass in a toast, and everybody joined in, before Bruce began pulling presents out from under the tree. Thor snatched the Santa hat off of Tony’s head and smothered it onto Bruce’s making everyone laugh and that quirky little smile appear on Natasha’s face. Things had been changing between her and the doctor and Kayleigh was dying in anticipation of her friend telling her about it once there was something to tell. She thought they were adorable. 

Once the presents had been passed out – even after Tony had tried to steal back his Santa hat, insisting that Santa would have an elf do such a lowly job anyway – everybody began tearing into wrapping paper, while Pepper clicked away on her camera to try and get some photos. It was rare for everybody to just be together like this without something looming over them. It was nice though, and Kayleigh was nearly overwhelmed as she took in the wonderful people who’d become so much more than just coworkers to her since her arrival at Stark Industries. 

“Thank you Kayleigh,” Wanda gushed over the books she’d unwrapped, holding them to her chest. One was a psychology text Kayleigh had seen, which she knew would spark Wanda’s interest. The other two were music books. The Sokovian had played piano as a child and so they’d pitched in to get her a keyboard, and now she was learning the guitar. It had been a simple gift, but Kayleigh knew she would appreciate it. Wanda wasn’t big on overly large gestures anyway.

“I’m glad you like them!” she met the hug halfway; then she turned back to opening the gift she’d been given by her Santa-pal, as Tony had dubbed the exchange.

A beautiful, leather bound journal was beneath the wrapping paper, and as she flipped through the pages the smell of a fresh book wafted up to her and she smiled. Hidden in the middle of the book was a small scrapbook, and that’s when she was tipped off as to who the gift was from. Natasha had found pictures – most of them candids, which meant they may have been grabbed from JARVIS’s high-caliber security cameras or from Pepper, of her with everybody, and she felt her eyes watering up a bit as she flipped through the fifteen pages. This just cemented the feelings she was having about being in New York with this unorthodox family that everybody had created. 

“Nat,” she turned and enveloped her friend in a hug, making her laugh as she hugged back. Natasha was usually so guarded, but to see even her pull back the curtains and knock down some walls for the event with people she cared about was nice. Kayleigh liked seeing Natasha like this; knowing she was safe enough to just be Nat.

“I knew you’d go for the sentimental,” she teased, before squeezing Kayleigh tight. “Merry Christmas.” 

“You too Nat,” she answered, and then eagerly watched everybody else open up their gifts. She’d always loved watching people open their gifts, ever since she was a little girl.

“Sorry guys, I’ve gotta go to bed,” she shrugged off the complaints from Tony and Thor, standing and slipping out of the small heels Natasha had insisted she wear. She was wobbling enough without any added difficulties. Sam’s deep laughter told her that the wobbling hadn’t gone unnoticed by her friends, and she gave him a pointed look, which only made him laugh harder.

“Thanks so much for coming and spending Christmas with us,” Pepper immediately wrapped her in a hug, and Kayleigh was more than happy to return it. 

“Thanks so much for including me Pepper; it was wonderful,” 

“You be careful,” the motherly warning Pepper gave her made her laugh, and Kayleigh waved it off as she said goodnight to everyone and turned for the hallway to get to the elevator. 

“I’ll walk you up,” Steve was immediately at her side; hand gently on her elbow to keep her steady. It was the perfect excuse; seeing as Kayleigh was a little unsteady on her feet, but they’d decided to exchange gifts with each other as well, aside from the Avengers gift exchange. Both of them felt the need to do so, and didn’t want anybody upset over it.

They made it up to her apartment without issue, and since Steve had stashed the gift he’d bought her there when he’d stopped in to go down to Tony’s party with her, they sat down on her couch and Kayleigh handed the gift she’d bought him over while he pushed the gift bag toward her on the coffee table. They made themselves comfortable, and she gestured for Steve to go first. He gave her a winning smile, before slowly opening the gift she’d found for him.

She’d found a few of the pictures in a history book, one or two from the Smithsonian. It had taken a lot of work and she’d had to pull some strings to put together the couple of picture frames she’d wrapped up inside the sweater. Steve had grinned when he saw it – a deep navy blue color that matched his stealth suit, but when he’d gone to unfold it the frames finally caught his attention. He picked each one up carefully; one of him and his mom when he was a little boy, grinning excitedly. There was one of him and Bucky from one of the boy’s birthdays as teens. Another featured him with the Howling Commando’s crew – Peggy included, and then one of the two of them together, smiling goofily at the camera. That one had been the easiest to get, for obvious reasons. 

“Kayleigh, this is,” Steve was choked up, and pulled her in for a tight hug. 

“I just thought it would be nice, to have pieces of home in this one,” she mumbled, and he nodded. 

“I love it,” he told her with a soft grin. He then gestured for Kayleigh to open her gift, and she gasped when she saw the shiny pumps she’d been looking at online just a few weeks ago. She knew Steve had had some help in this one. 

“I just… I know you wanted them – you can be hard to buy for,” he blushed, but she immediately slipped one on her feet – perfect size. Natasha had definitely been called in for help. 

“That’s not the only thing,” he grinned, and she pulled the shoebox out of the bag to see an envelope sitting at the bottom of the bag, on top of what could have been a jewelry case for a necklace. She pulled it out and eyed Steve before opening it slowly. Inside was a cheesy Christmas card from the department store, but when she opened it a letter fell out. Steve knew she would laugh at the cartoon reindeer on the front, and she leaned against him as she unfolded the letter and saw his familiar handwriting. His arm was a comfortable and familiar weight around her shoulders as she smiled up at him before focusing her gaze on the paper.

As she read it tears welled up in her eyes and fell down her cheeks; the words Steve admitted to having difficulty saying flowing much easier on the pages. 

 

_Kayleigh,_

_I know sometimes that it can be hard to say the things we mean, but there are things that are difficult to say that cannot go unsaid. I don’t know where I would be without you, in every sense. You helped me when I was in one of the worst places of my life, and you’ve been with me every step since. I haven’t really been part of a family since my mom passed away when I was sixteen. Bucky was all I had, and he was my brother in every sense of the word; even when I had nothing I had Bucky. I thought all of that was gone when he fell off that train. There was still nothing left when I came out of the ice. There were people who tried to help, of course, but it wasn’t the same. I knew I’d lost everything and everyone and it overwhelmed me._

_Then Tony took me to you. I didn’t want to go – which you could probably tell the moment you saw me – but I’m so glad I did. You helped put the pieces of me back together. Thanks to you I could feel again, and I saw hope. You gave me hope that things could be better, that I could be better and that I could feel okay again. Your smile lit up my day, your laugh helped ease the pain that had clenched around my chest. I’ve never met someone with a bigger or kinder heart than you – it’s true. Even if you’re modest to a fault, stubborn as an ox and won’t believe me no matter how many times I tell you._

_Now not only have you helped me, you’re doing the same for my best friend. He needs you even more than I did, and there’s nobody I’d rather have at his side than you. Bucky was never the kind for talking about feelings, but I know that he’d be just as appreciative to have you in his life as I am, even if he can’t let you know yet. You’re one of a kind, Kay._

_You became the family I lost, and there’s nobody else I would rather have by my side or be able to call my friend. You saved me and there’s no way I will ever be able to repay you or thank you enough._

_Love,  
Steve_

“Steve…” she choked on his name and fisted the tears from her cheeks. He motioned for her to open the box, not able to speak either, and the tears were then uncontrollable as she saw the medal he’d been gifted by the President just weeks after the attack on New York sitting on the velvet in its box. He was giving her his medal of honor. It was the second one, technically; he’d been ‘posthumously’ awarded one after saving the world from Johann Schmidt at the end of World War II.

“I can’t take this Steve,” she told him, her finger tracing the familiar lines. He’d shown it to her several times, when he’d struggled and didn’t believe he deserved to have such a thing. 

“I want you to have it. Because I never thought I should have been given it or deserved it until you. So it’s only fitting you get to keep it,” he insisted, and she hugged him tight until they both began to yawn. 

“Merry Christmas Kay,” 

“Merry Christmas Steve,” she watched him get in the elevator, before going to her spare room and pulling out two gift bags. The first was for Natasha, as she’d found the bracelet Natasha had bought for her in a small giftwrapped box on her kitchen table that morning. She’d had a similar idea and had got Natasha a necklace with a pearl pendant on it, and so wanted to drop it off. She’d also bought Bucky a new sweater and the thickest, fluffiest pair of wool socks she could find, and had put them in a gift bag to leave on his coffee table. 

She snuck into Natasha’s apartment and put the small gift wrapped jewelry box on the kitchen table, and then went up to Bucky’s quarters. Thankfully she didn’t wake him, and left the gift bag on his coffee table, arranging the card so he could see his name on it when he walked out of his room. It wasn’t the same, she knew, and felt her heart sink that he hadn’t been included in Christmas. It wasn’t right, to her that he had to spend the evening alone. But he’d insisted she go, several times, and she was glad she was able to at least give him something.

“Merry Christmas Bucky,” she whispered, before letting herself out and going back to her own apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little soon for Christmas (And I apologize if my timeline is less than perfect - I had a rough time with keeping everything in order) but I thought some holiday cheer would be fun! 
> 
> Thanks everyone who's read so far, and for the lovely comments! I really appreciate them!
> 
> Have a wonderful holiday season, and all the best to you and yours in the new year! (Just in case I get busy and don't update before then!)


	19. Chapter 19

“So, progress report,” Tony asked, hardly letting Kayleigh set up her laptop. She’d prepped all of her case notes on Bucky for the past five months before meeting with Tony and Banner to touch base. They knew he’d made progress, but it was different hearing it broken down in psychiatric terms as opposed to hearing stories. It was beneficial for Kayleigh too, it helped her to organize the case notes, as well as to hear about the results of Bucky’s MRI scans – he’d suffered through them at her request, after she’d explained that they only wanted to take a picture to see if they could help him. 

The trauma inflicted on him from HYDRA had been enough that just being in the room with the MRI machine had him shaking, and Kayleigh was just able to keep him calm. Bucky was persistent that he wanted to go through with it though, even after being given the option to back out several times. It had been an incredibly difficult afternoon, and he’d spent that night curled up against Kayleigh on his couch, Disney movies playing in the background while he tried to recover, the occasional whimper slipping past his lips when a shudder would go down his spine. 

She spent the night sleeping on top of his covers again, arms wrapped around him to try and keep him calm, his head tucked beneath her chin. He’d hugged her tightly before and after lying down on the table for the MRI, something Kayleigh had greatly appreciated, and he’d taken to hugging her when he was uncertain now. Bucky allowed her to pull him into a hug when she saw he was beginning to react, and was beginning to use the contact as a coping mechanism. It was his own little way of letting Kayleigh know he trusted her and her judgment, and her way of reminding him that she trusted him as well.

“Well, he’s made exponential progress from the first few tests we did when he arrived,” she began; knowing Tony had probably already read all of the notes anyway. Bruce was leafing through them; skim reading to get the key points. 

“The episodes have decreased severely, and he’s shown very, very few instances of even remotely violent behavior. All of them have been triggered by guards – which, considering the conditions he was kept in by HYDRA, are understandable. His ability to communicate – both in conversation as well as to understand situational context - have improved monumentally as well. He no longer simply observes and awaits instruction; he’s able to make decisions, although they do cause him panic sometimes, depending on how big of a decision it is. But he is beginning to find some independence which is remarkable considering what they did to him in order to take that away from him,” she told them, and both Tony and Bruce nodded. 

“We’ve heard from Steve that it sounds like Barnes’ is really starting to come around,” Tony mentioned, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“He’s not having any memories coming back, but, well, depending on what the scans say, I think that they’ve done something to keep the memories repressed,” 

“That’s what I think I’ve found in his scans,” Bruce leaned forward, and Kayleigh immediately awaited his finds. “The programming itself is – unfortunately – interesting; what they’ve done is manage to re-program his thought processes and responses. Instead of simply conditioning him to behave a certain way, they’d changed his brain chemistry to force him to behave a certain way, to not even have the option of disobedience, largely. Obviously, there are times when he can fight the programming, but it comes at the cost of a lot of pain and physical stress response – like the episode you told us about a few weeks ago.” 

It made sense, because they worked and worked on the same exercises and sometimes it seemed like Bucky couldn’t make progress while other times it seemed like he made a huge break through. 

“The interesting thing, is that there is actually a small implant that is assisting in maintaining the programming in his head – it’s what’s sending out signals to his brain to keep the chemical levels where they are at. I believe that’s what’s keeping his memories suppressed and even affecting his personality,” 

“Rogers gave a very detailed description of Barnes back in the thirties, and obviously the man we see now has very few distinguishable traits. Not to be offensive, but it’s true. He doesn’t display humor, or preferences, tendencies beyond what we can attribute to programming,” Tony announced out, which Kayleigh readied herself to argue. 

“But he’s starting to – he has preferences for food, he has a favorite shirt, he’s beginning to re-develop some of those traits. The other day he laughed – he actually laughed – because I forgot myself and swore and then got embarrassed about it,” she cut in, and saw both of the older men give her an uncomfortable look. Maybe she sounded too emotionally invested in the way she had blurted out the information. 

“What I mean is, he may not have the same traits, but he is slowly working on either relearning them or creating new ones. That’s either progress of him beginning to override the programming or the programming beginning to fail, right?” she asked, and Bruce shrugged. 

“It could be either possibility. But I strongly feel that the only way for him to truly recover is to remove the implant and try to work with him that way,” he answered, his voice soft. 

There could be so many complications to removing it that Kayleigh’s blood ran cold. The memories he’d acquired while under programming could traumatize his mind; the sudden change in brain chemistry could trigger unknown symptoms or create an imbalance that caused an illness. 

“Couldn’t that be dangerous for him?” she quietly asked, and Bruce sighed, taking off his glasses and rubbing his temples. 

“Very. There could be unforeseen consequences; his brain could overload from the chemical change, it could create a mental illness as his system has become accustomed to this chemistry, it could overload the real Bucky by essentially merging the person he was with the one he basically became with the programming… but that gives him the opportunity to be James Barnes again at the same time. That’s a decision that only you and he can make,” 

Bruce sounded resigned, like he’d spent hours trying to come up with a better answer for her. It was unbelievably frightening, what Bruce was suggesting, but exciting all at the same time. If it worked and went well, Bucky would be Bucky, and they could simply work through the PTSD and whatever else rather than trying to recondition him into society. 

“I would like you to explain it to him, then,” Kayleigh said, and Bruce looked surprised. “I can’t answer questions, I can only ask them. But I think it has to be his choice.” 

“Fair enough. And if he refuses?” Tony asked, and Kayleigh clenched her jaw for a moment at his insensitivity. 

“Then we keep working on the treatment plan I’ve been doing. He’s left the tower with me three times in the past week, every time only slight signs of panic or stress. I feel like, if he decides against the procedure, it is still more than viable that he can reach an appropriate recovery. He’s beginning to get used to every day tasks; he’s been picking out the donuts the past two weeks,” she told him, trying to keep from sounding as snarky as he did. Tony simply nodded, looked between the two of them before standing up. 

“Well, keep Barnes on donut duty because he likes to bring back several Boston Creams and we all know those are my favorite. Keep me posted Dr. Stone. I think we’re good here,” he clapped his hands together before walking out of the room. Kayleigh and Bruce shared a look before shaking their heads. It would take years of work to ever understand Tony Stark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay one more before Christmas! Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas or a wonderful holiday season (if you don't celebrate Christmas!) :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING  
> There are some terrible and derogatory comments made about Bucky, so I wanted to give you a heads up about them. It happens at the end of the chapter, and I apologize for the feels here but it unfortunately does play into the story line. Sorry for such a sad start to 2017! But don't worry, big things are happening for Bucky! :)

Kayleigh stewed on her meeting with Stark and Banner for two days, wondering how to break the news to Bucky, and what would be done if he refused to make a decision. Could she make one for him and live with the consequences either way? It would make more sense for Steve to, because he knew the man Barnes was and what he would want, but Kayleigh knew _this_ James Barnes and wasn’t quite sure if they would still want the same thing. It had been affecting her enough that even Bucky was beginning to pick up on it. 

“Okay?” he asked, putting a hand lightly on her shoulder. She’d showed up at his quarters for nine am for them to leave and get groceries and donuts, but even she knew she looked like shit. Hair thrown up into a bun, leggings and a sweater made up her outfit, and Bucky knew this was out of the ordinary. 

“Just a lot on my mind,” she tried to reassure him, but her smile wavered. He quirked an eyebrow up at her and then pulled her into a soft hug, letting her rest her head against his chest as he awkwardly rubbed her back, the movement jerky and uncomfortable. He was trying, that was something to help lighten her mood a bit.

“Thanks Bucky,” she whispered, taking a few deep, calming breaths, the smell of his body wash reaching her nose. She’d let him pick out his own, and after assuring him he could smell them in the store he’d picked an earthy, almost musky scent which suited him impossibly well. Steve had been shocked, because that’s what he had remembered Bucky smelling like back in their time as well. 

“Of course,” he answered, not dropping his arms until she moved to step away from him. “Donuts?” 

“Yeah, let’s go get donuts,” she chuckled, and followed him out of his apartment. He was beginning to get eager to leave his apartment, and she couldn’t blame him. She would have gone stir crazy months ago in his place. It was still in negotiation with Steve and Tony, but she was trying to argue for him to be able to use the gym facilities. Kayleigh believed it could be therapeutic; Tony was worried it was enabling him to be more dangerous.

He led the way down to her car, already having memorized the route. There were people talking in the car park, and Bucky immediately pulled her behind him as the voices reached their ears. A soft hand on his shoulder left him looking sheepish, as she reminded him that somebody trying to hurt them wouldn’t be visiting about their new wheels, in front of a security camera no less. He kept his eyes trained on the ground as they passed the two men from accounting, Kayleigh giving them a bright hello as she made her way to her car. 

Bucky was in the car with the door shut behind him as soon as he’d heard the lock click, and when Kayleigh sat down she realized his ears were pink, and not just from the temperature. He was embarrassed. 

“What’s wrong Buck?” she asked keeping her voice very light to make sure he knew she was teasing. He let out a small whine, eyes begging her to let it go, and Kayleigh simply laughed before patting his forearm. With that she let it drop, telling Bucky he could pick the radio station as she pulled out of the parking space and made her way to the street. 

Soft band music began playing, and she smiled as she hummed along to the song. Her grandfather had loved this style of music, and every time they had visited him out in Virginia the record player was always going. It was one of her fondest childhood memories, and she loved reliving them with Bucky, even if he didn’t know. 

The grocery store was a quick stop; she just wanted some snack food, Bucky needed some more granola bars. She’d found him some weights and an exercise DVD while waiting for Tony’s decision, and she knew he used them religiously, so had now taken to eating protein bars more than the snack food she’d originally been getting him. While his frame had never gotten very skinny or gaunt in comparison to the pictures in his file from his time as the Winter Soldier, it had been easy to see he had dropped a considerable amount of muscle mass while being at the tower. If it helped him get a sense of self back, Kayleigh was more than willing to help. 

The bakery had become a familiar routine for him, and she’d noticed the last time they were here Bucky had even been almost excited. The staff was used to seeing the two of them come in, and understood some of the challenge the task was for Bucky. Last time he’d chosen the donuts very quickly, not having as much trouble with the process as usual, and one of the owners, looking as much like a proud parent as Kayleigh was, slipped an extra donut in the box for him. He loved the chocolate éclairs, and Kayleigh had thanked them profusely. Bucky had even managed to stutter out a thank you and a hint of a smile for them. 

“Never eat them?” he asked as his hand hovered over the glass, as if he’d just had a realization. Bucky’s blue eyes were staring into her as Kayleigh blushed. 

“Donuts don’t like me, I’m afraid,” she explained, tucking a stray hair away from her face. “Even when I was a kid. Saddest day of my life.” 

The staff all chuckled, the girls having been aware of this. Before bringing Bucky along for the task, she used to get herself a cupcake to save for the afternoon, to have a little treat since she couldn’t enjoy the donuts. 

Bucky made a sour face, making her and Sandy laugh where they stood on opposite ends of the till, before moving his hand to point at something else. The man boxing up the donuts Bucky was choosing nodded with a smile, exclaiming that he’d made a good choice before finishing up putting the pastries into the box for him.

Kayleigh turned to grab the boxes, and was shocked to see a small, single-serving box sitting on the top. Pausing, she blinked slowly before looking over to Bucky. He looked sheepish again, borderline of embarrassed as she could see hints of pink flushing his skin tone. 

“Eat these?” he asked, scratching at his hair to fidget. 

“This is my favorite – how did you know?” she asked, eyeing up the red velvet cupcake nestled in the box. He shrugged, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweats and trying to hide the flush in his cheeks. 

“Lucky,” was all he said, and Kayleigh profusely thanked the staff before slipping her arm through Bucky’s to tug him along after her. He leaned against her slightly for a moment, before straightening properly, but Kayleigh noticed he kept her hand tucked between his side and elbow, like he was trying to keep her there. She obliged, and only let go when he got into the car so she could pass the donuts off to him. 

The drive back was quick and uneventful, and Kayleigh carried the bags from the grocery store while Bucky carried the donuts; her cupcake had been carefully placed upright in a bag so nobody could steal it on her. Several people waved or said hello, some were still too nervous about Bucky to do anything. He was trying to copycat her, nodding when somebody said hello, but he could never answer the greetings. Instead he kept right on her tail, following as closely as he could without stepping on her heels, and Kayleigh knew he was trying to make himself seem small behind her, like that way people would ignore his presence and focus on Kayleigh. 

“You go drop those off, I’ll be right here,” she smiled brightly at him, and saw his nervousness. She knew the Avengers boardroom would be empty, possibly Bruce or Tony sitting there, but they were both people Bucky had seen before. They wouldn’t cause him any stress because they knew how to behave around him. 

“Okay,” he nodded, and took a deep breath before going to do as she asked. Kayleigh checked her emails quickly, scanning through the subject lines before she caught the not-so hushed voices of a few men from the security sector. Kayleigh couldn’t catch every word, but her blood ran cold at what she could pick out.

They were talking about Bucky. 

“Follows her around like a damn dog…” 

“My opinion they should have just put him down, damn brute,” 

“Probably some new Stark pet project…”

“Heard he’s ex-KGB or some shit…”

She was seeing red, hands shaking where she stood. Kayleigh wanted nothing more than to confront them, maybe even get physical. They obviously had no understanding of Bucky and what he’d gone through and was going through, they had no right. 

“Excuse me? Perhaps you could take your biased opinions somewhere more private or perhaps speak to a manager if you have concerns,” she finally choked out, and while two of the men at least looked bashful about being overheard the third simply sneered. 

“Concerns? We’re housing the most dangerous assassin in the world and you’re treating him like a harmless puppy,” 

“I’m treating him like a rehabilitating person,” she shot back, and he laughed. 

“Sure, sure. Everybody sees how he follows you around. Does he roll over and show you his belly too? Wag his tail for you?” the man jeered, and Kayleigh heard the sound of the glass door swinging behind her. She gritted her teeth, fists clenched tightly. Had Bucky heard? 

“There he is now, might as well ask him. Oh right, he only talks to you, doesn’t he?” 

“You need to stop,” she growled again, but felt Bucky’s hand soft on her shoulder. He knew she was upset, and knew that she’d told him many times you can’t get into a physical altercation over nothing. Now it was time to practice what she preached. Damn it. These men were acting like petulant children on a playground, and she wanted nothing better than to put them in their place.

“Why don’t you go take your little pet project for a walk? That or put the damn mutt down; can’t imagine it would be that hard for you to find a boyfriend,” he scoffed, and Kayleigh felt her jaw drop at what had just come out of the man’s mouth. This man was a colleague, a fully-grown, supposedly responsible adult. 

“You need to leave, right now. You just crossed the line from verbal assault to harassment and I will not tolerate it,” she growled, before stalking off down the hallway. The man laughed, but at least his friends seemed shaken Bucky was still frozen to the spot, eyes narrowed and full focus on the man taunting her. 

“Go on, go follow her; better tuck your tail between your legs. Act nice enough and maybe she’ll scratch your itch,” Kayleigh felt tears in her eyes at what the man said to Bucky, choking on a sob at how cruel this man was being, and while she saw the flash in his eyes and saw him clench his fists, Bucky made no move to swing at the man. Instead he let them fall to his sides and hung his head before walking over to her, standing patiently as he waited for her to decide where they were going. It was all she could do to keep the tears from streaming down her cheeks, and she took a deep breath before squaring her shoulders.

“JARVIS, please contact Mr. Stark about filing a workplace misconduct report regarding the employee who was just speaking to us,” she said, and recognizing a voice with recognized access to the AI program, she soon got a response. 

“Right away, Dr. Stone. The notification is already waiting for Mr. Stark; regarding employee number 886379, Workplace Misconduct,” the AI responded, and she got a bit of twisted satisfaction from seeing the man pale. 

“Please note the witnesses as well,” she answered, and got a positive response from the AI. 

“Thank you, JARVIS,” she responded, before looking to Bucky. 

“Let’s go, okay?” her voice was soft, and nearly broke, but he nodded and followed her to the elevator. She was going to have a long day, and she knew Bucky was going to internalize the things the man had said to him, whether she liked it or not. All that was in her hands now was to see if he wanted to speak to Bruce about the implant and see what he wanted to do.


	21. Chapter 21

“Do you understand what we’re telling you?” Bruce gently asked. Bucky had sat staring down at the ground the entire time. Bruce had come up to Kayleigh’s apartment to meet them, two days after their run in with the asshole on the main office floor. She’d given Bucky fair warning, introduced him to Bruce in her office to try and put them on neutral ground so Bucky wouldn’t feel cornered or like he needed to be on guard. He’d sat and listened intently to Bruce, looked at the MRI scans - of which they’d showed him his own as well as scans of ‘regularly functioning’ brains to indicate the chemical change as well as show him the implant. It was so much information to try and take in; Kayleigh was wondering how Bucky was doing so well. 

“Yes. My brain… this…” he spoke slowly, and pointed to the small implant on the scan. “Keeping me, like this.” 

“Essentially. Right now you don’t remember who you were before they captured you, and the programming is still there. Removing the implant would bring back the memories and get rid of the programming,” Bruce explained, and Bucky nodded. 

“Change me?” 

“That, I don’t know. I guess it would depend on whether the things you’ve learned about yourself – like your preferences, favorite food, that sort of thing – differ from what you were like before. Unfortunately we have no real way to tell exactly what it would do to you. That’s why you have to decide whether you want it or not,”   
Bucky nodded slowly, and swallowed hard. Kayleigh had a lump in her throat, having no idea what she thought Bucky would want or think. This was overwhelming in every sense of the word. 

“Think about it?” he asked, and Bruce jumped on it, assuring Bucky he could have all the time in the world to think about it, and that there was no pressure to decide one over the other. 

“Thanks,” he gave the doctor a hint of a smile, and Bruce returned it before nodding at Kayleigh. 

“I’ve got to get back to work, Kayleigh can get a hold of me whenever you make a decision,” he told them, and soon left the office. Kayleigh sat down hard in her chair, head in her hand, and eyes on the man in front of her. She could practically see the wheels turning in his head, but had no idea what he was thinking. 

“You think?” he asked, finally meeting her gaze. The blue of his eyes was always stunning, but she’d seen more life in them the past few weeks than ever before, and it only added to the expressiveness in the orbs. There was a spark there, just waiting to be let out. In this version of Bucky she could nearly see the man Steve told her stories about in the forties.

“I think this is a decision only you can make,” she answered, albeit carefully. The last thing she wanted was to trigger a panic attack for him over this.

“Kay,” he sounded reprimanding, like he wasn’t impressed she’d danced around an answer. The nickname he’d taken to calling her falling from his lips. She was sure he’d heard Steve call her that and had picked it up for himself.

“Bucky, I mean it. I can’t decide this for you; this is huge. This is your life – how you want to live it. Do you want to just move forward the way we are? Or do you want to try and find the person you were before HYDRA? There is no wrong answer,” she explained, and he sighed. 

“I don’t know… who I was… before,” he told her, and his shoulders slumped. “It hurts, sometimes.” 

She knew he meant the episodes and the programming, where he struggled to fight it. The way he would hiss or sometimes scream in pain when the programming tried to override whatever he was doing or thinking.

“I know it does, Bucky,” 

“If… if I do this… be… normal?” he whispered, and her heart jumped up into her throat. She knew their altercation with the – now ex – member of the security clearance team had gotten deep beneath Bucky’s skin, but she hadn’t realized just how deeply. Maybe this was even going back to when he had called himself a monster. 

“Bucky, you are normal,” she answered, putting her hand on his arm before folding her small hands around his large palm. He squeezed back softly, letting her know he was listening. “Some people will never understand, or never like you. It sucks, but that’s people for you. Those who mind will never matter, and those who matter will never mind.” 

He sat quietly, stewing over her words for a few minutes before he lifted his eyes to hers once again. 

“Do you mind?” 

“Not at all, Bucky. I’m happy no matter what you decide to do; whether you want to try taking the implant out, or if you want to keep working the way we have,” she reassured him, and he nodded. 

“Want it gone,” he finally spoke up, after being silent for nearly ten minutes. Kayleigh knew his analytical mind was weighing the pros and cons that Bruce had laid out for him, running through everything in his head. Bucky was incredibly skilled at analytical thinking and decision-making, when he could let himself do it.   
“You want what gone?” she had to hear him say it, had to know without a hint of a doubt. 

“The implant. Want to find… me. Don’t wanna be mutt. Or a monster,” he spat out the words, and Kayleigh couldn’t stop the tears that began streaming down her cheeks. 

“James Buchanan Barnes, you listen to me,” she told him, cupping his cheeks in both hands. His eyes were moist too; she could see everything that was running through his mind. “You are not a mutt. You are not a monster; you are a man. A good one; you are intelligent, and kind, and the people who can’t see that are not worth your time. Please, please remember that for me.” 

He nodded, and leaned against her palm, closing his eyes for a moment and a single tear snaked its way around his dark lashes. Kayleigh softly thumbed it away, realizing just how easily Bucky had weaseled his way into her emotions over the past five months. Her heart pulled when she could tell he was hurting, it swelled up with happiness when he made progress or was happy, and here she was, bawling because he took the words of a bully to heart. 

“Okay. Promise me?” he asked, and she nodded, waiting for his answer. 

“If I lose me, I don’t lose you too?” he asked, and when she nodded he pulled her into a tight hug, burying his face against her neck as he cried out his fears in earnest. Kayleigh could only hold him as tight as she could, and try to soothe away the pain that was ripping through him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody loves sweet Bucky feels :)


	22. Chapter 22

“You’re sure about this?” 

Kayleigh asked for what had to be the tenth time that morning. Her nerves were on edge, and while she knew she was probably unnerving Bucky she couldn’t help it. She’d hardly slept, her mind replaying all kind of terrible worst-case scenarios for Bucky’s outcome after the procedure. 

He’d asked her to stay at his apartment the night before, letting her know he was more scared and nervous than he had let on to everybody else. Without any hesitation she had agreed, and had laid there most of the night with Bucky curled up around her, her hand in his hair and his head tucked beneath her chin. It had been the only way he’d felt safe enough to sleep. Then that morning he’d held onto her wrist gently when she had made to get up, mumbling about five more minutes. She’d caved, of course, and had held Bucky while he fought off wakefulness, blaming the mid-February chill for wanting to stay curled up with him. Once he was awake, every movement held trepidation and nerves for him, for both of them, and Kayleigh jumped at the opportunity when he managed to ask if she would wash his hair for him.

“Yes, promise,” he assured her for the tenth time, with a small smile. They’d already managed to get an IV into his right arm, and they were just pumping saline solution into him. He hadn’t been able to eat since lunch yesterday, seeing as they weren’t completely sure what his reaction to anesthetic would be. 

“Okay. I’m sorry, I’m just nervous; I want this to go well for you,” she apologized, and Bucky turned his palm up to face her. Gladly Kayleigh put her hand in his, and watched him close his long fingers around her tiny palm. 

“Relax, for me? You didn’t sleep,” he mumbled, making her shrug. 

“I get a little anxious about stuff like this,” she answered, but he shook his head. Steve was hovering just outside the door, ready to whisk Kayleigh away the second they put Bucky under so she wouldn’t sit in the hallway the entire time he was in surgery. Bucky had seen him, and knew that the other man would take care of her, as much as it unsettled him to think so. 

“Need sleep,” he softly asserted, and she nodded. 

“I will, I promise,” she answered, and he nodded happily at her. The nurse came in and checked his vitals once more, before announcing they were going to put him under. His metal hand gripped the guardrail at the side of the bed, panic flooding his system momentarily. 

“It’s okay Bucky, if you’re not sure—”

“Fine. I’m fine,” he insisted, forcing himself to let go of the guardrail one finger at a time. The nurse injected something into the IV line, and the slightly colored liquid diffused into the saline and then into his arm. He shuddered, and Kayleigh rubbed his hand as the entirety of the solution disappeared into his system. It only took minutes for his eyelids to begin to get droopy, and he looked to Kayleigh one more time. 

“Be here?” 

“I’ll be here when you wake up Bucky,” she answered, gently slipping the oxygen mask onto his face that would also send an aerosol anesthetic into his system, seeing as his body would metabolize it so quickly. They knew that they needed to keep a constant stream of drugs in him to keep the pain down and keep him out. The nurse had asked Kayleigh while she’d been waiting in the hall if she would do it, in case it was triggering for him. It only took a few long breaths for his eyelids to flutter shut and his breathing to even out, and Kayleigh gently slid her hand out of his grip, before caressing his cheek softly.

“Okay, we’ll take him in now,” 

Kayleigh smiled at the nurse and watched them wheel the bed into the room where the surgeon would remove the implant, before she turned and all but ran into Steve’s waiting arms. He was as shaken over what was taking place today as she was. 

“Let’s go have a nap; I’ve had JARVIS take note that the minute Bucky is back in the recovery room to alert us,” Steve said, ducking to slide his hand beneath her knees and lift her up into his arms. Kayleigh didn’t contest him, she simply let him carry her down the hall to a recovery room that would not be getting any use that day, shutting the door behind him with his foot. As gently as if she were made of porcelain he set her down on the bed and then crawled in beside her, wrapping himself around Kayleigh’s petite frame. They clung to each other, trying to keep their breathing level and keep from losing it completely. 

It almost didn’t work, until the exhaustion from the night before caught up to them. Steve hadn’t slept either, and had spent the night pacing his apartment and bothering Bruce with text messages asking for every detail of the surgery and what could go wrong about it, even until the early hours of the morning. Then he’d turned on the television but hadn’t paid a single moment’s attention to what played on the screen in front of him until Kayleigh had texted him that she was taking Bucky down to the ward. 

“I’m so scared Steve... what if…” she choked on her words, unable to even voice what she was afraid of. Steve nodded, holding her tighter and pressing a kiss to the top of her head. 

“What if he’s just… gone?” he asked, and she nodded. 

“Yeah. I mean, it would be amazing for you to get Bucky back, and if not that, I mean, he’s making such progress I know we could get him to recovery… but if this goes wrong…” she hiccuped and buried her face against his chest once again. He rubbed her back, letting her get it out. 

“I know, I’m terrified that I’m going to lose him too,” Steve admitted, and suddenly felt drained. Like them finally voicing their worries sapped the last of the little caffeine-induced energy they had been running on. 

“JARVIS will wake us up, right?” Kayleigh asked, and Steve nodded, realizing she was nodding off as well. 

“Yeah he will,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is so short! First full week back at school is kicking my butt... but hopefully I'll have another chapter up by saturday!


	23. Chapter 23

“Captain Rogers, Dr. Stone, James Barnes has been moved into the recovery ward,” the AI’s voice rung out through the small room they were in, and both Steve and Kayleigh jumped at the disturbance. 

“Huh? What?” she asked reflexively as she slowly sat up. Steve was blinking, trying to wake himself up. 

“James Barnes has just been moved to the recovery ward; Captain Rogers asked me to alert you when he was moved,” JARVIS repeated, and Kayleigh thanked him before turning to Steve. She jumped up, ready to go down and wait by Bucky’s side, but paused when she realized Steve wasn’t with her. 

“I can’t… he shouldn’t see me right when he wakes up,” Steve whispered, and let out a sniffle. 

“Why not? Steve what if he’s… what if he’s Bucky again? Your Bucky?” she asked, running a hand through his hair. 

“Two reasons. If he’s not… ‘my Bucky’ it’ll kill me and put him on edge – you know he’s iffy around me at the best of times,” he told her, raising an eyebrow. “And two, if he is… won’t that be over stimulating? Overwhelming for him? He’ll need some straight up recovery time first.” 

“Oh Steve,” Kayleigh’s heart broke at the pain in Steve’s face and his voice. He was so concerned for Bucky’s well being that he was hurting himself to ensure it. She wrapped him up in her arms, and he let her as a few harsh breaths wracked his frame before he sat up and tried to give her a smile. 

“Get in there – you promised you’d be there when he wakes up,” he was soon ushering her out of the room and to the doorway of the recovery room Bucky was in. They could just see him through the window in the door; his head bandaged up, still knocked out from the anesthetic, and Kayleigh pulled Steve in once again. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, it’s what’s best for him,” Steve agreed, before squeezing her tightly, kissing the top of her head, and then heading down the hallway. 

“I’ve gotta go get some more sleep,” he threw the comment over his shoulder, knowing she would ask whether he was okay or what he would be up to. Kayleigh nodded, and took a deep breath before letting herself into the recovery room. 

The beeping of the monitor was steady, and a quick glance at the machines attached to him told her Bucky was stable and doing well. His face looked a little pale against the stark sheets and the white gauze wrapped around his head, but otherwise he didn’t look much different than when they’d wheeled him to the surgical ward.

“Dr. Stone? You are Mr. Barnes’ caretaker, I assume?” the surgeon had been brought in, one of the best in the world, courtesy of Tony Stark. He wasn’t very familiar with the situation surrounding his patient, and Kayleigh could only assume he was only given the details absolutely necessary to perform the procedure. 

“Yes, yes I am,” she held out her hand for him to shake, glad she could hide behind her professional façade and push the emotion back for a while. 

“Dr. Roffstad; nice to meet you; I apologize that I didn’t get to speak with you prior to the procedure,” he spoke, picking up the chart from the end of the bed and flipping through it, taking a quick glance. 

“The procedure went exceptionally well; Mr. Barnes must be very resilient,” he said, to which Kayleigh nodded. “The only thing is that we will keep him sedated for the next few days to allow his brain to re-adapt to the new chemistry and lack of interference without throwing additional stimuli into the mix. However, with the way he seems to be healing…” 

Kayleigh didn’t miss the curious look that the surgeon gave her, and knew that, whether it was a mix of personal and professional or even just professional curiosity, he would find out something. So she may as well give him an adaptation of the story that wouldn’t cause him to go searching for other information where they could end up with an issue on their hands. 

“Mr. Barnes – Sergeant Barnes… he was in the army. Taken prisoner and experimented on,” she sighed, softly reaching out for Bucky’s hand. “They did terrible, terrible things to him. They tortured him, treated him like he wasn’t human… and essentially wiped any and all memory of who he was from his mind. That implant you removed, the brain chemistry we had you analyze… that’s all just to try and get his life back. He made the decision; he was making wonderful recovery process as it was, but he wanted to see if it was possible to find himself again.” 

The doctor was left speechless, and nodded. 

“I take it the experimentation was in regenerative health?” he asked politely, and Kayleigh could tell he was emotionally overwhelmed enough to no longer want full details. Any American could respect a war vet. 

“Yes… he lost his arm, just above the elbow and ended up all but falling off the side of a mountain. The experimentation allowed him to survive, but it also allowed him to be recaptured and experimented on further. He does heal faster than the average person, good bad or otherwise,” Kayleigh explained, and the doctor nodded, before making a note on Bucky’s chart. 

“Well, I will inform the nurse about this, it may change our schedule a bit. Once the incision has begun to close up we can move him out of the recovery ward and somewhere more comfortable. However, I would like to keep him under for three days, just to be safe. That can be done simply with the IV, however he does take an unbelievably large dose of sedative,” he chuckled, before replacing the chart. 

“Thank you, Dr. Roffstad,” Kayleigh gave him a smile, to which he shrugged. 

“It’s my job to try and help people, I like to think I can do it once in a while,” he allowed, and took one last long look at Bucky. “I do hope Mr. Barnes makes a full recovery. Something tells me he should. I’ll be back in two weeks for a check-in, is it appropriate for Mr. Stark to schedule it or should I request your contact information?” 

“It’s quite all right for Mr. Stark to schedule it; Mr. Barnes’ care and rehabilitation is my first priority right now,” she answered, and after a nod and another handshake the surgeon was making his way down the hall to brief the nursing staff, leaving Kayleigh alone with Bucky for the first time since he’d been in surgery. 

She quietly pulled a chair to his bedside and sat down, allowing her eyes to move over every inch of him, taking in any details she could, like she was filing all the information away, just in case. They’d had to shave some of the hair at the nape of his neck in order to get to the implant, but it was low enough she knew that a trim to bring the bottom of his hairline up a bit would disguise it until everything could grow back evenly. Bucky probably wouldn’t even notice it if she didn’t say anything; his hair was long and hung to his shoulders which would disguise it. 

But then the thought assaulted her. If it worked; completely, one hundred percent, and he was himself again – his old self – would she even know him anymore? Would he even know her? Maybe he would notice, maybe he would care about it, maybe Kayleigh would no longer be able to help him the way she had. Then what would they do? She knew she enjoyed the time spent with Bucky in what was definitely beyond a professional capacity; he’d become a friend, someone to care for and look out for the same way Steve was. Nothing made her happier than seeing his eyes light up when he found something funny or he was content and realized it. Losing him… whether to his mind being unable to handle the change in chemistry and loss of programming, or to the Bucky he had been, it was almost unthinkable.

The thought absolutely terrified her.


	24. Chapter 24

“He should come to in the next hour or two; we’re just leaving some pain medication in the drip for the afternoon until we can get a good idea of what he’s experiencing,” the nurse relayed the information to Kayleigh as she checked the IV once more. They’d moved Bucky back to his apartment yesterday evening, the incision point hardly more than a line across the place where his neck met his head, and while slightly stunned the nurses had taken it in stride. Several of them had helped care for Steve after a mission gone awry before, and so were used to the unusual. 

“Thank you so much Claire; I really appreciate it,” Kayleigh held her hand for a moment, and then was pulled into a hug by the slightly older woman. 

“Of course dear; I’m sure he’ll be in tip-top shape in no time,” she reassured her, and soon left. Kayleigh sat on the edge of Bucky’s mattress, simply watching him. Some color had returned to his cheeks, he was down to only having the IV in his arm and no other tubes or wires connected to him to monitor him. Everything had been stable, but still Kayleigh had stayed at his bedside since his recovery began. Laptop and coffee in tow, she sat and worked through files and case notes, simply being there for company. She had, after all, promised she would be there when he woke up. 

What she hadn’t realized was how exhausted she was. Throwing herself into any kind of work that could be done in the room with him in order to keep her mind busy had taken its toll on her. And now, when he was guaranteed to wake up in some kind of prominent fashion, she felt like she couldn’t keep her damn eyes open. 

Just a cat nap, she told herself, and pulled a chair to his bedside, letting her arms rest on the mattress and settling her cheek against the sleeve of her sweater, her eyes still on the familiar face. She could almost imagine him opening his eyes, the familiar blue recognizing her, the small half-tug of a smile coming to his lips. Then she could only see the inside of her eyelids.

\------

There was a pounding; a deep, brain rattling, painful throbbing in his head, and he let out a groan as he tried to fight it back. He knew pain like this. Pain came after the chair. Pain came when he disobeyed or failed.

His eyes shot open as he gasped for air, and found himself not in a dingy cement cell, but in a light, airy room. He recognized the light fixtures as modern, and then wondered how the hell that was possible. It was like his brain was two separate halves and they were colliding at lightning speed, sending him two very different ideas at the same time, and he had to try and sift through them all at once. That was while he was trying to discern past from present, his brain assaulted by everything.

He wasn’t tied down, that was a start. They always kept him restrained in some way, so he knew he must not be with them. Good. That was good. 

It was then that he became hyper aware of the fact that he wasn’t alone in the room, and that there was something wrapped around his head. He reached up his hand to touch it, and found medical gauze, just outside of his line of sight. It worried him, made him wonder what had happened, because he couldn’t remember anything going wrong that had resulted in head trauma. 

Then he looked to his right, and saw a girl – a woman – asleep beside him. She was seated on the edge of a chair, her torso hanging onto the edge of his mattress, cheek pressed against her arms. She was beautiful. Her skin was almost olive colored, with dirty blonde hair and dark eyelashes. The kind of girl who would have grabbed his full attention out dancing and he would have been nervous as hell, but he would have persisted until he’d gotten a promise of a dinner date from her. 

His head hurt again. It wasn’t 1939 anymore, and he sure as hell didn’t go out dancing anymore. He was a murderer; he was a weapon, nothing more. 

Then the white-hot pain was back, and something told him he wasn’t a murderer, wasn’t a mutt, and that those who mind didn’t matter and those who matter didn’t mind. So what was the truth? 

Her eyelashes began to flutter against her cheeks, and with a small sound she began to wake. Her eyes opened slowly and she yawned, before she sat up straight like a poker, brown eyes wide and staring at him before a hand flew up to cover her mouth. It was shock, he realized. Was he not supposed to be awake? Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be looking at her. Sometimes they didn’t like when he raised his eyes.

“My god… you’re awake,” she gasped, and he furrowed his brows. 

A promise. He’d made her promise she would be there when he woke up. But woke up from what? 

“You’re here,” he managed, and she nodded, tears welling up in her eyes, before he watched her try to stuff down her emotions. She was like him. She was used to hiding things – he mentally catalogued the fact away for later. 

“Do you… do you know who you are?” she asked softly, and he thought on it for a moment. The words came tumbling out of his mouth before he could think about whether he had or hadn’t known them. 

“Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038, of the 107th,” he answered, and then felt his brow furrow. 

“That’s… I’m… they call me the Winter Soldier,” he mumbled, and then looked back to the woman who looked ready to break down at any moment. Why did she seem so distressed to hear him say his title? That’s who he had been for a long time, a nameless weapon. But something in her eyes; this woman didn’t look at him like a nameless weapon. 

Kayleigh. 

The past five months flooded back, like a very foggy, muted film reel for only his eyes. She was kind to him, she treated him well, and she actually cared about him. He could feel the warmth in his chest the more he thought about her; he cared for her too. He let himself be vulnerable to her; letting her pull him in close and soothe him and comfort him.

She gave him a choice. 

“But I do prefer Bucky,” he smiled at her, and this time a sob snuck out from behind her trembling fingers. 

“Do you… do you remember?” she asked, voice shaking this time. Bucky looked at his hands for a moment, before sticking his right hand out to her, palm up. It seemed like the right thing to do, even if it made the IV pull on his skin a bit and the sensation was a mix of tingling and pain. 

Immediately her hand was in his, tears streaming down her cheeks. He softly tugged her hand toward him, which had her carefully crawling onto the bed beside him. She made sure his IV wasn’t being pinched, before gently cradling his head against her side, running her fingers through his hair, careful to avoid the bandaged areas. He liked that.

“I was so scared… we didn’t know…” she couldn’t even get the words out. Bucky leaned into her, glad for her warmth and the comfort he felt by her presence. He knew he had been afraid before he’d been unconscious, but couldn’t think to wonder why. She made him feel safe.

“I’m okay; I’m here Kay,” he murmured against her, before raising his gaze to meet the warm brown of her eyes. 

“You… remember me too?” she asked, and he nodded. 

“Course I do,” he answered, and then slowly pushed himself up into a sitting position and wrapped his arms around her. She didn’t flinch when the metal of his left arm grazed her, the way he’d anticipated her to. People looked at him like a monster when they saw it, they usually sure as hell didn’t want it to touch them. He’d killed people with that hand. But Kayleigh simply let herself be pulled against his chest, metal arm and all. She let him feel like he might be whole, even with it. 

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” he murmured, comforting her the way she had just been doing for him. He gently ran his fingers through her hair, noticing how soft the strands were. Kayleigh clung to him, let him feel strong and important, and he realized that maybe, even the broken half of him she’d been working so hard to help, had felt some of what he was experiencing now. The kind of butterflies you got in your chest when an especially pretty girl smiled at you from across the dance hall. Or when she let you hold her hand in front of all of her friends; like she didn’t care what anyone else thought of you.

“Thank God Bucky, I was so scared… I didn’t want to lose you,” she admitted it quietly to him, mumbling against his chest, and he simply held her tighter. That made the tears come more swiftly, and he panicked, trying to figure out what he’d done wrong. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he apologized, but she shook her head. 

“You hated… the program… you didn’t like being touched. Hugs scared you…” 

“You’re vulnerable when you let someone that close. They have access to too many soft parts,” he immediately responded, before wincing at the fact that words seemed to spill from his mouth. 

“Yes. You’ve only hugged me the past two weeks, and it was difficult for you… now…” she let out a choked laugh, and he nodded. 

“Now I’m the one hugging you?”

“Exactly,” she nodded, before leaning in again, and this time her head fit perfectly beneath his chin and against his neck. Bucky nearly shivered, her breath warm along the exposed skin, but it felt right. He knew that she was usually the one in the position of power, the one doing the comforting. Being able to return the favor brought a smile to his lips.


	25. Chapter 25

“Morning Bucky,” Kayleigh mumbled, refusing to open her eyes but wanting to acknowledge the fact he was shifting around. Bucky froze for a moment, before relaxing back into the mattress, and moments later his hand softly brushed her shoulder. He’d asked her to stay, even just until he was asleep again, but Kayleigh had fallen asleep on top of his covers before he had, and he had been more than content for her to stay there. She helped him feel calm; she kept the nightmares away. 

“Morning Kay,” his voice was a little growly and raspy, hints of sleep clinging to it, but she still smiled to herself at the fact that he could at least communicate with her like this. It was worlds away from where he had been just last week. It didn’t faze either of them that she had spent the night; it had happened so many times over the past few months that it was almost normal.

“Sorry, I must have fallen asleep on you,” she yawned, finally rolling onto her back. Bucky had propped himself up on his metal arm, and was watching her; blue eyes soft and calm, almost serene, as they moved over her face. It was like he was taking her in for the first time. 

“That’s okay – you looked like you needed it,” he smiled, and reached out to push some hair off of her face. The gesture had Kayleigh’s cheeks flaming hot and red, and she rubbed at her eyes in a poor attempt to hide it. 

“So did you – how do you feel?” she asked, and he thought on it for a moment before shrugging. 

“Better when this bandage is off,” he smirked, and she chuckled at him before sitting up properly, her back making a series of pops and cracks as everything moved back into place. Taking due care, Bucky sat up beside her, rotating his shoulders and then reaching out with his flesh hand to her. He hesitated, fingers hovering over her shoulder blade for a moment, before he gently placed his hand just below where her neck curved into shoulder and began softly kneading the muscles there. On impulse, without thinking Kayleigh let out a hum and let her chin fall to her chest, giving him access to the back of her neck, where all the tension sat. She had had more than her fair share of it the past few days. 

“Does that help?” he asked softly, and while still embarrassed Kayleigh nodded. 

“That feels wonderful,” she assured him, before rotating her shoulders and gently stretching her neck, and then crawling off of the edge of his bed and stretching properly. 

“So, what would you like to do today Bucky?” she asked, and he shrugged his shoulders. A few things were still fuzzy, but he had a good enough sense of how his life had been the past few months. 

“I would like a bath, because my back hurts like hell, and then the hottest shower you can manage for me. I feel like I haven’t showered in a while,” he replied, and got a playful smirk in response. It took her a second to respond, and after racking his brain he realized it was because speaking was difficult for him before. The programming knew he wasn’t supposed to talk back, so it limited what he had access to. It still surprised her.

“It has been a while…” she teased, and he raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Sure, sure – not my fault,” he responded, before moving to get up. Kayleigh rushed to his side, just in case, but Bucky only wobbled for a moment before his footing became steady. 

“I’ll run some water for you, okay?” she murmured, and he nodded, his eyes closing partway as she caressed his cheek. He knew it was a habit she had picked up, a means of communicating without overwhelming the programmed man he had been, but this time he leaned into the touch, craving it. Bucky Barnes had been locked away in his own body for years – he longed for anything normal. And he knew Kayleigh cared enough about him to treat him that way. She put butterflies in his stomach. 

“Thank you Kay,” he whispered, voice hoarse as she slowly moved out of his bedroom and he could hear the water begin to run just across the hall. He was starving, and while he begrudgingly manhandled the IV drip stand with him, Bucky made his way to the kitchen. Food was becoming necessary, if the growls made by his stomach were any indication. 

The space around him seemed to have a new life as he took it all in through brand new eyes. The apartment was almost as big as the one he, Rebecca and his Ma had all shared back in Brooklyn after his dad had died, but he apparently had this all to himself. The picture on the wall that Kayleigh had picked out for him – even though she’d fussed and worried over whether or not he would like it, insisting she could find something different for him multiple times – the blinds half open, because he liked to take in the view. It was home. 

Without having to think about it he walked over and opened the third cupboard from the left, a few boxes of granola bars and protein bars sitting on the shelves. It was strange to feel like you were seeing something for the first time but knew it inside and out. It was the parts of who he was struggling to become unified, he knew. The doctor had explained it could be possible when he and Kayleigh had told him about the implant in his head.

The first granola bar went down in seconds, quickly followed by a second, third and a fourth, thoroughly enjoying the chocolate chips on it, and then he ate a protein bar for good measure. Having super-functioning metabolism was great, until you didn’t have any fuel for it. His body had gone for something like four days on bare minimum or less, and he was suffering for it. 

Bucky could tell that Kayleigh was watching him from the hallway, while he grabbed a cup and poured himself some orange juice. He understood that she had been worried, that he had scared her by the uncertainty of what kind or part of him would come out of the surgery, but he couldn’t help but hope there was something more. Bucky knew he was technically her job, but from what he could ascertain, friendship had been part of what they had, and that was for a man who didn’t understand kindness before her. 

“Kay?” he asked, and heard her jump slightly, grinning as he turned around to face her. 

“What Buck?” she asked, trying to hide her embarrassment. He opened the fridge, and gave her a bit of a pout. 

“Any chance of getting a real breakfast any time soon?” he asked, and she laughed at him before nodding. The space between them was quickly closed, and Bucky could almost imagine electricity along her skin as she cupped his cheek. 

“I’ll have Tony send you down breakfast right away. Want your favorite?” she asked, and he stuttered for a moment. The combination of her touch and the realization that he _had_ a favorite and that she _knew_ it astounding the parts of his brain that only recognized HYDRA treatment. 

“Pancakes with chocolate chips and bacon?” he asked, and she nodded, a smile gracing her face, making her look even prettier as she lit up. 

“How about we get you in the tub and showered up and then have breakfast?” she suggested. Bucky nodded, the prospect of chocolate chip pancakes able to top almost any and everything else. 

“Did you…?” 

“Epsom salts are in,” she knew without him having to finish his statement, and he gave her a grateful smile before making his way to the bathroom. It only took him moments to realize though, that he would need help getting his T-shirt off with the IV. 

“Kay… sorry, but… I need some help,” for the first time Bucky’s cheeks were pink right to the tips of his ears, and Kayleigh simply laughed as she nodded. 

“I thought you might need a hand,” she stated, and took the IV bag off of its hook, taking care to still hold it up. They gently and awkwardly got his left arm out of the sleeve, his head next, and then she carefully pulled the shirt along his right arm and over the IV until it was hanging over her forearm, and then replaced the IV bag onto its stand. 

“There you go,” 

“Thanks,” he smiled, and then she walked out, closing the door behind her. 

His sweats were quickly on the floor, followed by his boxers, and he let out a sigh of contentment as he slowly lowered himself into the steaming hot water. His muscles were a little cramped from lying in the hospital bed for several days without moving, and he needed to loosen them up. 

Bucky lay there almost dozing off, until the water began to get cold. With a sigh he stood, and pulled the plug on the drain, watching the little whirlpool that seemed to suck the water in. The conveniences of this time were so wonderful he could hardly imagine how he managed to survive on what there had been before. 

He turned on the shower, remembering Kay showing him how, and stepped beneath the spray. Showers hadn’t been a very common experience when he was a kid – they used too much water and it was too difficult to keep any kind of water pressure going – but he loved it. The water beating into his muscles was almost therapeutic for him, and he took his time scrubbing himself clean, moving the loofah over his skin until it was pink. 

The idea struck him, the memory making his cheeks heat up once more, but he stepped out of the tub, dried off a bit, and pulled the boxer shorts on once again. He knew it wasn’t appropriate, but the memory of Kay standing on the side of the tub and working the shampoo through his hair held a lot of contentment for him; he knew that the broken half of him that had been left behind after HYDRA had relished it. He wanted to experience it properly. For himself, if he was going to be honest about it. Bucky could remember the things he’d experienced the past few months here with Kayleigh, but for some of it, it was like he was watching through thick glass.  
“Kay?” he hesitantly called, and heard the padding of her bare feet over the hardwood floors, until she was right in front of the bathroom door. 

“Everything okay Bucky?” she asked, and he winced when he heard the slight panic in her voice. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I, uh, have a weird question,” he started, and mentally kicked himself. Smooth. 

“Sure, what’s up?” 

“Would you… would you wash my hair?” he quietly asked, and the door let out a creak as she opened it just a quarter of an inch; just far enough for him to tell she wasn’t looking into the bathroom. 

“If you want me to, I can,” her voice was soft, and Bucky smiled to himself. 

“I’d really like that. I can… I remember you doing it, but the feelings are fuzzy. I know I liked it though – I appreciated it,” he explained, and the door opened a little wider, her smile soft and fond. 

“That was the closest I had seen you to happy,” she told him, and he seemed dumbfounded. “You closed your eyes and actually relaxed.” 

“Please?” he asked softly, and stepped back beneath the hot spray of water. Kay let herself into the bathroom, and he noticed her hesitance faded when she realized he had in fact covered himself up. Just as she had the first time, she stood up on the side of the tub – this time with Bucky’s help – and he held out an arm for her to stabilize herself with while she massaged the shampoo through his hair, working up a lather. She was extremely careful nearer the nape of his neck – where he assumed the incision was – but he let his muscles go nearly slack and almost hummed in his throat at the feeling. It brought up old feelings as a child of being safe and happy as his mother washed his hair, it reminded him of being a young man who cared about what he looked like, and it reminded him of being broken and feeling for the first time that things would maybe be okay, as he had when Kay had taken it upon herself to do it the first time. He’d realized that maybe his life could hold something other than pain when she’d done it. 

“Thank you Kay,” he whispered, eyes still squeezed shut as she gently began to rinse the shampoo away, her fingers gentle but strong against his scalp. 

“Of course Bucky,” was her response, and he stood there silent and happy as she reached for the shampoo once again to give it a second go through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for taking so long to post this one! I hope you guys are enjoying how things are going and I've loved reading all of the comments! Thanks so much for the support!


	26. Chapter 26

“How you doing?” once he was dressed in a pair of sweats and a hoodie – as a t-shirt was too difficult to grapple with on his own – Bucky made his way toward the rest of the apartment. Kayleigh immediately jumped up from the couch, and her eyes moved over him carefully. 

“Good, a little tired though,” he grumped, wondering why he still felt so spent. Had the surgery altered the healing and strength he’d been given through the experimentation? 

“I bet – you’ve had a long few days,” she nodded, patting the back of the couch in invitation for him to sit down. He obliged, but wondered where she was going and what she meant as she didn’t join him. She was standing behind the couch instead, and her fingers tousled his hair for an instant before she was walking toward the kitchen.

“I slept for three days straight – not exactly what you’d call long days,” he mumbled, before the smell of pancakes and bacon hit his senses like a tidal wave. How had she done that? He craned his neck but couldn’t quite see what Kayleigh was doing, he could only hear her puttering around the tiny kitchen space he had. 

“You had a major brain surgery Bucky, and you’re up walking and talking after three days, that’s miraculous,” she exclaimed, and soon was back in view, a plate loaded with four huge, fluffy chocolate chip pancakes and a stack of bacon that would make his Ma proud in hand. Kayleigh placed them on the coffee table, and he realized she meant for him to eat in the living area. He’d always eaten at the dinner table, even here. 

Moments later Kayleigh returned with a large glass of orange juice and set it on the coffee table as well, before she was finger combing through his damp hair, almost absentmindedly. He leaned against the back of the couch, feeling no pain as the back of his head touched the fabric, and closed his eyes, content to let her continue. She froze, and he cracked open an eye to see pink on her cheeks. Kayleigh had become so comfortable with him and trying to rehabilitate him to human contact she didn’t even realize the absentminded way she played with his hair or caressed his cheek anymore. Bucky couldn’t help but wonder if she was upset that she kept doing these things now that he wasn’t having the issues he was before to touch. He liked it, actually – always had. It was reassuring. 

“Tuck in – you’ve got a lot of food to get through,” she grinned at him, and he smiled back before leaning forward and picking up his utensils. 

“It feels weird, not eating at the dinner table,” he admitted to her, and heard her laugh. 

“You sound like Steve,” she said, and Bucky froze, his heart slamming against the inside of his chest. 

Steve. Steve was here. Steve was alive. 

God damn it he’d tried to kill him. His best friend; the man who was the brother he’d never had. 

He sucked in a harsh breath, cutlery clattering against the coffee table as the panic set in. His mind was screaming at him, all kinds of things, and blackness edged his vision as the oxygen seemed to be slowly leaving his lungs and the immediate airspace around him. It was like he'd been put into a vice, slowly crushing him, keeping oxygen out of his lungs and away from his brain simultaneously. The feeling was similar to that of being in the chair waiting for the headpiece to lower onto him, knowing that everything would vanish and he'd be confused, empty, dead inside. The fear was so similar he was having trouble separating the fears from what was real and soon he felt lost, cold, and frightened.

Then he was being enveloped in warmth, and a hand was cupping his cheek. 

“Bucky! Bucky it’s okay – you’re okay, I’m here,” 

Kayleigh’s voice floated through to him and he latched onto it, trying to wade through the thoughts and memories and panic and find his way back out of the darkness to her. Once he could quell the feelings and look her in the face he felt like he’d fallen off the mountain again and then climbed back up it. 

“Are you okay? What did I do?” she asked, voice high and scared, and he took a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry, I’m okay… I just… Steve is here?” he asked, and Kayleigh slowly nodded. 

“Well yes but… but not at the moment. They left for a mission about a half an hour ago. Steve won’t be back until Saturday morning at the earliest,” she answered, and Bucky nodded. He was okay, and Steve would be all right. 

“I can’t… You guys won’t… won’t let me hurt him, will you?” Bucky’s voice was weak, something he hated, but the shock on Kayleigh’s face told him something was off. 

“What do you mean?” 

“That was my mission. I was supposed to kill him… you won’t let that happen right? If I see him?” he begged, and Kayleigh soothed him again, caressing his cheeks and pushing the hair off of his face and running her fingers through till the ends. 

“That won’t happen Bucky, you won’t hurt him,” she told him. “You’ve seen him before, here, and did nothing. It was the programming that was looking for Captain America, and we took that out, remember? You wanted the surgery to remove the implant to get rid of the programming. You won’t feel like you have to complete the mission anymore.” 

She was right. There was no more mission. He racked his brain and racked his brain and while he could find details, intelligence, and the specific targets he was required to reach, there was no compulsion. No pain when he thought against the protocol, when he rejected the mission objectives. 

“There’s no more mission,” he whispered, tears springing to his eyes. When he had recognized Steve on the street, and then the helicarrier, albeit briefly, it had eaten at him. His programming had screamed at him every time he tried to access a memory or look for information in his brain beyond mission intelligence. Here, there was nothing. He remembered the skinny kid from Brooklyn who was rejected from the army for his size and his Asthma. He remembered being rescued by the super soldier his friend had become. And it didn’t hurt; it was all there. 

“No more mission Bucky, there’s just you,” she kissed the top of his head softly, and wiped the tears from his cheeks. His attention slowly went back to his breakfast, and while he knew it would have cooled considerably he wolfed it down like it was his last meal, stomach distended and painful when he’d finished. But he was as proud of himself as a peacock for doing so. 

“Better?” she asked, taking his dishes although he protested. The IV pole was a pain, but he could have easily maneuvered with it to deal with his mess. 

“So full, but it feels so good,” he groaned, making her laugh again. 

“I’m going to go back to my apartment for a little bit; I need to shower too,” she teased, bringing up the earlier joke and making him smile. “But then I’ll be back okay? We’ll just take it slow today and hang out?” 

Bucky nodded and cracked a smile at her, watching the hint of pink start teasing at the edges of her cheeks as he did so. 

“That would be great. I don’t really feel like moving,” he told her, and earned a ruffle to his hair from her before she left. The apartment seemed oddly quiet and empty without Kayleigh in it, so Bucky turned on the television for some background noise as he stretched out across the couch, still exhausted although he’d only been up for a couple of hours. 

“Miraculous my ass,” he grouched, before folding his arms carefully over his chest and drifting off to sleep.


	27. Chapter 27

“Bucky! Bucky it’s okay!” Kayleigh cried out, watching him gasp for air and scream, eyes shut tight while his body fought with his mind. 

They’d taken the IV out yesterday, and because Tony had told them to, the guards had walked right into his apartment with the nurse without any kind of warning. Bucky had begun to panic on instinct, pulling Kayleigh behind him and all but ripping the IV out of his arm in the process. She had managed to calm him down, and once he realized what had happened – that he’d reverted – he didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. He let the nurse properly take out the IV, even though it was hardly hanging on anymore and his skin had risen where the liquid was entering beneath the skin but no longer in the vein, but as soon as she’d finished taking his vitals he’d retreated to his room without a word. 

Kayleigh’s phone call with Tony hadn’t been pleasant for either of them. She tore him a new one for his disrespectful conduct and not even informing her about what was going to happen – she could have avoided the whole mess. Tony thought he was doing what was right and being careful, but they both knew that she had a better read of the situation than he did and should be consulted.

So then the nightmares had begun again. Worse even, than they had before; now Bucky had far more knowledge and memories at his disposal and his mind seemed to run wild with it. Like tonight, for example; it was three am, and Bucky had fallen asleep without any issue, so Kayleigh had retreated to her apartment. JARVIS waking her had settled dread into her chest as she raced to the elevator and Bucky’s apartment. 

“Bucky!” she called again, trying to get to him while simultaneously avoiding his flailing limbs. She grabbed his knee as it came toward her, and hadn’t expected the strength that accompanied it. He nearly flung her, even in sleep, and Kayleigh realized she might have been in over her head. 

“Please wake up,” she begged, trying to get to him once more. If she could get to his face, she could wake him up. 

A gasp left her as his metal arm connected with her hip, and sent her to the floor, knocking all the wind from her when she landed. Steve was going to be pissed with her, she could tell already. 

“Bucky please, please wake up; it’s okay,” she repeated, tears streaming down her face as she tried to stand up, pain shooting down her leg and up her side. She managed to grab his right hand as it swung at something in his dream, and she held it in her palm, even though he tugged back and she fell overtop of him, sprawled against his chest. 

This time the gasp came from Bucky as his eyes flew open and he froze. She could feel his heart pounding in his chest, and he was heaving for air, sweat lining his brow from the panic he’d felt. Kayleigh simply lay there, in too much pain to do much else. 

“What…” 

“Bucky it’s okay, you’re safe,” she whispered, refusing to turn and meet his eyes because he would see the tears leaving hers. His breathing slowed, and she heard him swallow hard, before his fingers slipped from her hand and softly touched her cheek. He traced her jaw until his fingers were beneath her chin, and he gently turned her face to meet him. 

“Kay… Kay are you all right?” he asked, a new panic overtaking his features as the reality of what had happened settled in. Kayleigh closed her eyes, wishing she could have spared him from this part. This part hurt him the most. 

“I’m fine,” she lied, and tried to keep back the hiss as he shifted to sit up and bring her with him. Immediately he pulled away from her, blue eyes wide as he assessed her. 

“You’re lying,” he croaked and she watched him hang his head and drag his fingers through his hair, all but pulling it out. “I fucking hurt you… didn’t I?”  
“Bucky…” 

‘Kay I can’t… you can’t let me do that; let the guards come wake me up, _something_ …” he argued, refusing to look at her. Gingerly she sat up, the pain in her hip almost excruciating as she did so. 

“Bucky,” her voice was firmer this time, and he chanced a look at her. It took seconds for his well-trained eyes to settle at her hip, and without a second thought his fingers were at the hem of her shirt, pulling it up just a hair to see the skin already changing color. It shocked her, because Bucky would never have touched her so willingly, or without thought like that before, and she froze as he softly brushed his thumb against the injured skin. 

“I’m so sorry,” he choked out, and then raised his eyes to hers. “You shouldn’t put yourself in danger because of me. I’m… I’m too strong.” 

“I’m not in danger with you,” she argued quietly, but he shook his head at her. 

“I’m not! Bucky, you protect me from anything and everything. Even when you weren’t quite yourself, if I stayed on the couch you would sleep on the floor between me and the door, or put me in your room so you could guard it,” 

“But I can’t protect you from myself,” his words were harsh, filled with self-loathing, and Kayleigh nearly flinched at them. 

“You don’t need to. This? This is an accident; it could just as easily happen if I was having a nightmare and you came to wake me up,” she informed him, but he shook his head. 

“But you wouldn’t send me crashing into the wall. You wouldn’t bruise me like that. Kay you don’t understand – I’m like Steve, okay? I can lift people off the ground with one arm; I can do terrible things when they made me mean it. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” he repeated, and this time he pulled her carefully against his chest, cradling her and burying his face in her hair. Kayleigh was surprised; because while Bucky’s words were pushing her away, it was obvious he wanted her there. 

“I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you,” he mumbled, and at that Kayleigh leaned against him. 

“Nothing will happen to me Bucky, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” she reiterated. It was then that she noticed his shoulders were shaking, and that he was struggling to hold himself together. 

They sat like that until the shaking went away and Bucky’s breathing evened out. Then he finally dropped his arms and Kayleigh sat up on her own, wincing as the movement affected her hip. 

“You should get that looked at,” he told her, but she shook her head. 

“Some Tylenol and I’ll be fine; I just bruise like a peach,” she joked, but Bucky didn’t laugh. She stood up, and offered her hand to him, getting a confused look in response. 

“Come on; you don’t have Tylenol or cocoa here,” she sighed. Bucky’s brow furrowed in confusion, but he took her hand and stood up to his full six foot two, towering over Kayleigh. 

“So where are we going to get that?” he asked, going to the drawers, opening one and pulling out a T-shirt even though his back felt damp with sweat from his struggles. He slid the material over his head, and Kayleigh was glad he missed the way she’d noticed his muscles rippling as he did so. 

“My place,” she answered, and the shocked expression on Bucky’s face was enough to bring a giggle to her lips as she turned on her heel and walked out of his bedroom. It didn’t have quite the effect she’d meant it to, seeing as the pain had shot across her side as soon as she’d moved, but she gritted her teeth to keep from limping. That would only make Bucky feel worse.

“You coming?” she asked, and heard the scrambling that was Bucky pulling on a sweater and padding along after her, not wanting to be left behind. 

Steve was going to _kill_ her when he heard about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a new one! I hope everybody's enjoying the story!
> 
> Also, just a heads up that I started a second story (About Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan) so if you're interested check it out and I would love to hear any feedback! I tried something really different with the persona/narrative and I'm not sure how to feel about it yet lol
> 
> Also... wondering if anybody would maybe like to proof read some chapters and give me some feedback; I've got a few chapters I was working on for something different that I think would be nice to fit in but not sure... any help would be appreciated!!
> 
> Thanks! Have a good one! :)


	28. Chapter 28

Bucky was apprehensive as he followed Kayleigh into the elevator, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he probably wasn’t supposed to be outside of his space. Kayleigh only ever took him to run errands, and aside from when he first arrived at the Tower and when he went in for surgery, he’d only ever really seen his own floor, the inside of the elevator, and those spaces. He was too dangerous to be anywhere else, and surely Kayleigh’s apartment was no different. 

He followed her closely, conscious of his bare feet along the cool tile floors as they exited the elevator and made their way to her front door. It was a dark wood stain, and there was nothing to distinguish the outside as hers, which piqued his interest. In honest Bucky had expected something that mirrored a bit more of her personality. 

“Come on in, sorry it’s a bit of a mess,” she apologized, opening the door and ushering him. Here was the personality Bucky had expected, and it made him smile. The apartment was open concept; the kitchen off to the left, the living room to the right. The wall in the kitchen was painted a bright yellow color behind soft-grey counters. The appliances were all stainless steel, modern and efficient looking. The counter tops looked like they were granite, a medium grey color that offset the other colors in the kitchen. There was a breakfast bar coming off of the wrap-around counter, creating separation between her kitchen and living room, with mail piled up on the corner. The furniture was large and over-stuffed, in a dark charcoal color that looked like you could just sink into it. The walls were soft beige, and the one behind the television was a deep, rich burgundy. 

Pictures were on the walls; of Kayleigh with several people, a couple Bucky determined must have been her parents, at her graduation. There was one of her with a redheaded woman in front of Times Square, grinning widely over their steaming Starbucks cups. She seemed familiar but Bucky couldn’t put his finger on why or how he would know her. Then there was a frame of pictures of her with Steve, and while it excited Bucky to see his childhood friend, the other part made his heart sink. Steve’s arms were wrapped around Kayleigh’s waist, wide smiles on their faces as they looked at each other in the top photo and then at the camera in the one below it in the frame. In the final picture Kayleigh was laughing and Steve was kissing the top of her head, ease and affection written all over their postures. They looked like a couple; and while he wanted to be happy that Steve had found someone and that Kayleigh had someone as wonderful as Steve Rogers his chest tightened at the same time. 

“Make yourself at home; I’ve just gotta go dig out some Tylenol,” Kayleigh waved at the apartment, and Bucky nodded, snapping out of his thoughts before giving her a distracted smile. 

She disappeared down the hall, limping slightly - which made his stomach churn - and Bucky continued taking in her space. He couldn’t remember the last time somebody had invited him into their home like this. It had probably been Steve and his mother Sara Rogers back in the thirties. Sara would have been so disappointed to know of what he was now. To know that he’d hurt the only person who cared about him in this time.

The view from her balcony was exquisite, the New York skyline stretched out as far as the eye could see; frosted glass doors keeping the balcony separate from the apartment. She had large windows and lots of natural light; black curtains pulled to the side to let it all in. In the mothering fashion he expected there was a large, plush blanket over the back of the couch, ready to be pulled down to settle in and watch a movie or something to that extent. Her kitchen table was small and pressed against the wall to not take up too much space; three chairs pushed in neatly. A low book shelf took up the bottom portion of the wall in the living room beneath the picture frames, and it was chalk-full of everything from romance novels to biographies, magazines and textbooks, all organized neatly into the nine squares that made up the shelving unit. The whole space screamed Kayleigh to him, and he finally sat down on the edge of the couch before he could hear her making her way down the hall back toward him. 

“Sorry I had to try and open a new bottle,” she apologized, and went to the kitchen with the small bottle of pills in hand. He watched her reach up to open the cupboard and grab a glass, but saw the way she folded in on herself in pain after doing so. 

“I’ve got it,” immediately Bucky ran to her side, pulling a glass down for her and filling it with water. A weak smile was his thanks, and Bucky watched her toss back two of the extra-strength pills and then down the remainder of the glass. 

“Cocoa, right,” it was like her mind was flitting from thought to thought, and soon she was bustling around the kitchen, Bucky shadowing her and grabbing things for her so she didn’t have to reach or bend. She tried to wave him off, but Bucky ignored it. It was his fault she was in pain, after all. If she wouldn’t go get it looked at, the least he could do was try and keep her from doing things that agitated it.

Soon Kayleigh was humming to herself as she puttered around her kitchen, boiling water, the ingredients lined up on the counter. It allowed him to sit back and simply watch her, and a small smile came to Bucky’s face. In a very distant way she reminded him of his Ma, he realized; the inherent caring nature and the fact that she would always put someone else before herself. It was a quality he’d always looked up to, from the time he was old enough to understand what it meant. 

“Here we go; careful it’ll be really hot,” she cautioned him as she handed an oversized mug over. Bucky thanked her before walking with her to the couch, and sitting down once he’d helped her ease into a comfortable position. The pain medication was only starting to take effect. 

He made sure not to sit too closely, the new information about Kayleigh and Steve fresh in his mind. He didn’t want to overstep any boundaries, especially not when her guy was the man who had been his best friend. Not that he would ever do that anyways. Bucky shouldn’t have even been feeling that way and he knew it, but he couldn’t help it.

“How is it?” she asked, once again startling him out of his thoughts. He sputtered for a second, before he could feel his cheeks heating up and betraying him. 

“It’s great; thanks,” he replied, and saw her small smile before she settled back into the couch and turned on the TV. 

“Sorry, I feel like a Disney movie,” she admitted with a giggle, and Bucky smiled over at her. 

“Sounds good to me,” he answered, and she let out a content noise as she went through the options on her television before picking The Little Mermaid. Bucky could remember her saying it was her favorite, at some point during the past five months. He kind of remembered bits and pieces, but again it was a little foggy. The part-him must have only paid a bit of attention to the movie aside from remembering the tune of some of the songs. 

He watched Kayleigh’s eyelids slowly become heavy, and carefully extricated the half-empty mug of hot chocolate from her hands when he became worried she’d spill it. She’d started slightly, but a gentle smile from Bucky had her snuggling back in against the couch, her arms wrapped around herself this time. Once it became evident she was going to nod off he pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped it around her, careful not to touch her side. 

The hum that came from her throat put that same weird, warm feeling in his chest as she leaned against him, cheek on his shoulder as she listened to the movie, blanket wrapped around her. The movement was slow, and even hesitant, but after assuring himself he wasn’t doing it to make a move on her Bucky wrapped his arm around her shoulders, letting her snuggle in against his side. Moments after that she was fast asleep; her breathing turned soft and even and the tiniest of snores was coming from her. 

When the movie was finished Bucky had the worst internal debate he’d had in a while. He probably wasn’t supposed to be outside of his apartment, if all of the security was anything to go by, but he sure as hell didn’t want to wake Kayleigh up, especially not after the pain he had inflicted on her, even if it was accidental. Finally he moved, getting his feet beneath him, before he stood up and picked Kayleigh up, blanket and all. She only shifted slightly in his grip, before mumbling to herself and slipping back under. 

Bucky carried her down the hall, and it only took him a moment to find the bedroom that was hers. The first was too plain, too much of a blank slate with soft off-white walls, and a plain comforter in a purple grey color with throw pillows on it. Something about it didn’t scream Kayleigh to him. Once he went to the door across the hall, he knew he was in fact correct. 

This room had Kayleigh all over it; the walls were a blue-gray, with the main focus wall a royal blue. There were pictures on the walls; one of them a beautiful painting of the New York skyline, a few pictures of friends. There was even a movie poster up on the far wall for something he had never heard of. The comforter was black with a blue design on it, the desk was stacked with books and notebooks and papers, and her laptop sat on it charging. The closet door was open and he could see her favorite sweater thrown over the back of her desk chair. The room even smelled like her, aside from her aura being very obvious in it. 

With due care he pulled the covers back from the bed and laid her down, careful not to bump her hip or jostle her too much, before he pulled the couch blanket away and covered her up with the thick down comforter. Kayleigh was too deeply asleep to notice the difference, instead rolling slightly to a more comfortable position and then nestling deep into the bed, a content smile on her face. 

“Sleep tight,” he murmured, pushing some stray hairs off of her face and then pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. She needed the rest more than he did. 

He walked back to the living room, emptying their mugs into the sink and pouring water in them; his Ma used to give him hell for leaving a ring on the inside of a mug. But then Bucky faced the predicament of what the hell he was supposed to do. He wouldn’t be able to go back to his apartment – mostly because he didn’t even know what floor he lived on, or if his fingerprint would open the door. The guards would probably wonder what the hell he’d done to Kayleigh and try to fight him, which caused panic even as he shoved the thought away.

The computer voice… he’d heard Kayleigh speak to it before… maybe it could help. If only he could remember what it was called. 

Bucky cleared his throat, feeling awkward, but took a deep breath anyway, deciding to try his luck. 

“Uh… Jarvis?” he asked, and waited a moment. Maybe only certain people could access it. 

“Yes, Mister Barnes?” he jumped at the voice, but remembered that he needed its help. That didn’t keep the hair on his arm and the back of his neck from standing on end at the strangeness of the situation.

“Am I… am I able to get back into my apartment?” he asked. 

“I’m afraid not sir; the security locks on your door are only for a particular level of clearance, which unfortunately you do not have. I can only override the codes with specific instruction from either Dr. Stone or Mr. Stark,” the voice explained, and Bucky deflated slightly. He knew Kayleigh had talked about a mission or something, which meant Steve was gone and undoubtedly the Mr. Stark as well. 

“What should I do then?” he asked, wondering if the computer would have an answer for him. 

“Seeing as it is four am and Dr. Stone usually does not rise until at least eight o’clock, I suggest you also try to sleep,” the computer informed him, and he rolled his eyes. 

“Won’t Mr. Stark flip if he finds me here?” 

“Then may I suggest waking Dr. Stone at eight o’clock, as Mr. Stark and Captain Rogers are not due to return until at least half past nine, conditions permitting?” it suggested, and Bucky nodded.

“Are… are you able to do that?” 

“Yes, Mr. Barnes. I shall set an alarm for Dr. Stone for eight o’clock so that you may return to your quarters,” 

“Maybe you should make it eight thirty…” he wondered, knowing Kayleigh needed more sleep than she’d been getting. 

“Adjustment noted. I have set an alarm for Dr. Stone for eight thirty,” the voice told him, and a lit bit of the nerves left his system. 

“Thank you Jarvis,” He felt odd thanking a computer, but glad that he wouldn’t be caught or get Kayleigh in trouble for being out of his isolated area. He eyed the couch, knowing it was big and comfortable but that his feet would hang off of it, before his mind strayed back to the spare bedroom. Surely she wouldn’t mind if he crawled in there.

He walked back, checking in on Kayleigh sleeping soundly amid her blankets, before closing the door and making his way to the one across the hall. Bucky didn’t even bother to pull back the covers; he simply laid on top and fell asleep.


	29. Chapter 29

The remainder of the weekend passed uneventfully; the mission in South America took a different turn, so after a rushed phone call from Steve, Kayleigh knew they wouldn’t be back for a while. In the meantime, she took to spending her time with Bucky and listening to whatever stories he would tell her. He was so full of life now, and by letting him choose what he told her about they mostly avoided any of his panic attacks. Anything pre-war was usually safe. 

And she’d let him come stay in the guest room of her apartment two more nights, glad to get him up and out of his space for as long as she could. Bucky liked to read, she’d learned, and had let him peruse her bookshelf before showing him her Kindle and all the books she had on there. His attention had been absolutely captured, and so she planned to lend it to him. March was slowly creeping up on them, and so was his birthday – so she had a good gift idea. A small duffle bag with some clothes was deposited at the end of the bed in the spare room, and Bucky was able to rummage through the cupboards for a snack when he was hungry. 

She liked knowing he was close, Kayleigh realized. If he began to have symptoms of a nightmare she could intervene before he was so far lost he was thrashing and screaming. Last night he’d came to her room in the middle of the night, quivering and biting his lip in an attempt to keep from whimpering, before he’d woken her up. The terrors had begun but he’d woken up instead of getting trapped in them. So she’d bundled him up beneath the covers and held him until he fell back asleep. Kayleigh had also discovered he actually enjoyed physical contact in any way he could get it; even in his sleep he’d wrapped himself around her, whether to get as much contact as possible or to protect her, or both, she wasn’t quite sure. 

But his embarrassment following that had almost been overwhelming. Kayleigh had woken up slowly, Bucky’s arms around her, and while it took her a second to orientate herself she remembered his night terror and him coming to her room, needing comfort. So she had been content to lay there until he woke up, knowing he needed as much undisturbed rest as he could get. She pulled out her book, turning slightly in his arms – which Bucky didn’t notice – and began to read. 

It had taken two hours for him to wake, and when he had he’d shot out of her bed like he’d been lit on fire. His eyes were wide, and he kept stuttering apologies to her while looking like a deer in the headlights. 

“Bucky, it’s okay – you had a night terror… you woke up before it got too bad,” Kayleigh had tried to soothe him, but it soon became apparent that the night terror wasn’t the root cause of his problem that morning. He’d all but ran from her room, mumbling about needing a shower, and then had barricaded himself in the bathroom. While it seemed odd, Kayleigh let him have his space. If there was one thing Bucky had greatly improved at in the week since his surgery, it was coming to her and speaking about things. 

The humming sound that was the water heater being engaged soon reached her ears, so Kayleigh ambled out to her kitchen to root around for some breakfast. The shooting pain in her hip had subsided to that of a dull ache most of the time, unless she did something too quickly or too strenuously. Thankfully she no longer needed to limp or keep weight off of it, so some of the guilt had left Bucky’s eyes whenever he watched her walk somewhere. That had been difficult to bear, as no amount of reassurances would comfort him.

After a quick look through her fridge, bacon and eggs seemed to be the best option. Grocery shopping was a task that needed to be tackled sooner rather than later, and she debated taking Bucky along to the supermarket with her – surely he’d enjoy getting outside.

After getting a pot of coffee started, she sat at her kitchen table and made some case notes in her book, before scrolling through her news feed on her phone. Being unsure of how long Bucky would take to emerge from the bathroom made her hesitant to start breakfast quite yet, seeing as she didn’t want it to be sitting and cold for him. Once she’d exhausted all forms of social media on her phone, Kayleigh decided that waiting fifteen minutes for a man who usually only took twenty minutes in the bathroom was long enough, and started to get things ready. After turning on the radio she began cooking the bacon, prepared to leave the eggs till last as Bucky liked them sunny side up and very runny. 

As she’d suspected, the water tank went silent, just as the bacon was beginning to sizzle, and a few minutes later a rather bashful Bucky emerged from her hallway. His eyes were downcast, and he slunk to the table and sat down, choosing to not look at her or say anything. Kayleigh could wait, because she knew that he’d start spilling the beans sooner or later. 

“May I have a cup of coffee?” he asked quietly, fidgeting at the table. 

“Of course,” she answered, giving him a small smile. “You know where the mugs are – sorry I’ve got my hands full.” 

He helped himself, careful to dance around her and not get in the way, and filled the mug to the brim with hot, fresh coffee, the smell assaulting both of their senses in a pleasant way. Bucky soon got her favorite mug out of the cupboard and poured her a cup as well, adding sugar and a little bit of milk to it, exactly the way she liked it. He was beyond observant, whether that was due to HYDRA or if he’d always been that way she didn’t know. 

“Thank you,” her smile was warm, and his cheeks flushed at the comment. 

“Least I can do, seeing as you’re making breakfast,” he assured her, and then ran a hand through his long hair, grimacing at it. 

“I, uh, I’m really sorry about earlier,” he finally squeaked out, and Kayleigh paused, waiting for him to explain himself. She could tell it was eating him alive on the inside but that his embarrassment was keeping him from telling her at the same time. 

“I just… it’s not proper,” he told her, and Kayleigh nearly dropped the flipper as she turned to him in amazement. 

“Not proper?” she asked, and he nodded, shuffling his weight from foot to foot, his incredible reflexes ensuring his coffee hardly even sloshed in his mug. 

“Well it’s not; for a lady like yourself to be spending the night with someone like me,” he mumbled, and Kayleigh had to slap a hand over her mouth to hide her laughter. Poor thing. Here she thought he’d had something huge to worry over. It was easy to forget that Bucky was really from another time; he was so well adjusted to everything he saw.

“Bucky, hey, look at me,” she asked, setting the utensil down on the counter and then cupping his cheeks, forcing the matter only slightly. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not the forties anymore; a lady is welcome to curl up with whoever she wants – and it’s not like anything happened. But aside from that little fact, you had a terror, and there’s no way I’d let you suffer through that alone. We didn’t do anything wrong,” she softly reassured him, but his cheeks went bright red anyway. 

“But I did,” he whispered, and then moved away from her touch to lean against the counter. 

“What did you to wrong?”

“I liked it. A lot. Woke up all snuggled under real blankets with my best friend’s girl wrapped up in my arms. There’s nothing right about that,” he sighed, sounding angry and resigned while Kayleigh tried to piece together what on earth he was talking about, fighting the warmth in her own cheeks at Bucky’s admission of liking waking up with her.

“What do you mean, your best friend’s girl?” she asked quietly, and he looked to her finally, raising an eyebrow, before he walked to her living room. 

“I’m not a dunce, Kayleigh; I know you’re just trying to make me feel better about it,” he told her, quickly returning with a picture frame in hand. The one with pictures of her and Steve… and that’s when it hit her.

“Bucky… Steve and I… we aren’t seeing each other,” she clarified, taking the frame in her hands, her eyes fondly tracing the familiar images. This had been from the first time she and Steve had hung out as just friends, one of the first days he’d felt okay enough to just go out to the park and enjoy himself. It had been his first good day in a long bout of bad ones, depression and anxiety eating away at him, so instead of their session he’d asked her if she wanted to take a walk and hang out with him for the afternoon. They’d known each other for four months at that point, but Kayleigh could still remember it as if it had happened yesterday. Natasha had tagged along with them, and had snapped the pictures when neither of them realized. She’d been as happy to see Steve content as Kayleigh had.

“But… look at you… and the way he acts around you… Kay I’ve known Steve since he was a pipsqueak knee high with an inhaler– he likes you. Steve doesn’t just do stuff like that with girls, so that means you’re his girl,” he argued, finger pointing to the picture of Steve kissing the top of her head.

“We tried it, Bucky, it didn’t work out,” she sighed, and saw his blue eyes widen before he looked away to hide it. “We just aren’t meant to be. We make better family than we do a couple.” 

“But that doesn’t make sense,” his brow was furrowed, and he carefully took the frame from her to examine the pictures once again. “You look… you look so happy with him.” 

“Steve does make me happy Bucky; more than anybody else ever had. But we aren’t right for each other like that. It’s just… it’s not there,” she shrugged, unsure of how to explain it. Everybody gushed and oohed and aahed over how cute she and Steve were together, but it didn’t change the fact that the two of them romantically didn’t seem to jive. They were family; closer to each other than anybody would ever know, but they would never be the couple everybody wanted. 

“I just… I thought… he got so protective of you around me,” he mumbled, more to himself than to her, but Kayleigh put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. He nearly started, seeing as it was the vibranium-clad shoulder, but he finally looked at her. 

“Because he wasn’t sure what Bucky we had,” her voice was soft, wanting to ease the blow. “He wanted so badly to have you back and trust you; you’re his best friend. But he was so afraid that I wanted you better that I’d go against better judgment and put myself in danger. It kills him, knowing that he can’t really help either of us.” 

Her words hung between them in the kitchen, until Bucky put the picture frame back down on the counter and moved behind her, picking up the flipper and taking the now very-crisp bacon off of the skillet. She’d forgotten all about breakfast. 

“Oh shit, I’m sorry,” she ran a hand over her blonde hair absentmindedly, before seeing Bucky grin at her. 

“It’s still a million times better than the shit we had to eat out at the front,” he teased, seeming to be a lot more relaxed than he had a moment ago. 

“Well you can cook the eggs then,” she shot back, making him chuckle as he nodded. He quickly busied himself doing just that, and was almost humming along when an old Billie Holiday song came on the radio.

“Is that what you were upset about, Bucky? That Steve and I were dating and you’d slept in my bed?” she finally prodded, and he stiffened up for a moment before nodding. 

“He’s my best friend Kay, it’d kill me to know I’d gone behind his back like that. And you’re my best friend too, and you deserve a great guy like Steve. I just… couldn’t imagine managing to fuck that up for both of you,” he told her, and Kayleigh wrapped her arms around him for a moment, letting him know all was okay.


	30. Chapter 30

It had killed her, but Kayleigh had walked Bucky back to his apartment that evening, promising to be back bright and early in the morning, and after a long hug she’d waved goodbye and let the door close behind him. He’d been in better spirits the rest of the day, sitting on the couch watching a movie, then listening to some music; Kayleigh had found a playlist on Youtube of music from his time, and while Bucky didn’t say anything, the smile on his face and the way he squeezed her hand softly told her how much he appreciated it. She’d sent him home with an armful of books, as he didn’t want to borrow her kindle for fear of breaking it, so he would at least have something more to keep him busy while Tony insisted on keeping him all but isolated. Now that he was himself, some of the real testing and work would begin. 

Somehow though, Kayleigh figured he wouldn’t need as much counseling as they had thought. Aside from the night terrors and the odd panic attack, Bucky seemed fairly well adjusted. It was strange and possibly unnatural, even to Kayleigh, but he was. Trying to get him to work through the anxiety and try to analyze and work through the night terrors would be the difficult part.

She rounded the corner of the hall to her apartment, distracted in her own thoughts and wondering how on earth she was supposed to do counseling sessions with someone when he didn’t seem to really need them, and let herself in. The thoughts were racing so quickly she didn’t realize the lamp in the living room was on and that she wasn’t alone for several moments. 

“Jesus Christ!” she hollered, jumping back, before she realized it was Steve sitting on her couch. He looked beat to hell; a huge bruise across his left eye and cheekbone, the skin split open a little bit. The smile he gave her was weak, and Kayleigh felt her stomach drop when he struggled to get up from her couch. 

“Steve, oh my god you’re hurt,” she gasped, rushing over to him. He let out a grunt, trying to deny it, but the wince gave him away. 

“It’s not that bad,” he argued, but she turned on the main light, making Steve blink as his eyes adjusted. His suit was ripped and bloodied, and she was sure the bruising didn’t stop at his face. 

“Come on, into the shower with you,” she sighed, and Steve all but pouted. 

“Kay, hey – I promise it’s not that bad,” he said, cupping her cheek softly for a moment. She leaned into the touch, but knew his insistence that he was okay was just proof that he was not. 

“It is that bad Steve, you can hardly walk. It’s bad if you can hardly walk,” she reminded him, and he hung his head, slowly standing up, letting her know his ribs were injured. He cradled his right arm against himself, which she noted, and he had a slight limp. Steve hobbled his way to her bathroom, and obediently stood as she stripped what was left of his suit off of him. The material had been reinforced, but whatever he’d been fighting had been stronger. Once it was off, she realized just how bad the damage was. 

Most of Steve’s upper body was bruised, the skin a dark, nasty purple color. He was also sporting many thick and deep lacerations, matching the slashes in his suit; undoubtedly his body was already working on healing those up. His knee was swollen and discolored, and there was a gash across his left calf. His arm had been dislocated at the elbow – he informed her that Natasha had popped it back into place, but the muscles were still knitting back together from the tear across his bicep. 

“God Steve…” she whispered, trailing her finger across the bruise on his face, before gently resting her cheek against his chest, careful not to put too much pressure on him or cause him any pain. His left arm came around her, holding her softly, and she let out a long breath. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against her hair, and she finally braved looking up at him. 

“It’s okay; you know I’d—”

“Rather know I’m still here, good or not,” he finished for her, teasing one corner of her lip up in a part smile. He’d been told that enough in the past year that it was easily memorized. “I know, but I know it’s hard for you to see me like this.” 

“It is,” she allowed, but put herself up on her tiptoes to press a gentle kiss to his good cheek. “But I like knowing you made it home, too.” 

With that she pulled away from him, moving instead to turn on the shower behind her. The water was just warmer than lukewarm, so as not to irritate any scrapes or open skin, but warm enough to be comforting for him. She stepped back, letting Steve step into the shower, a sigh falling from his lips, before she went to her room, changed into a pair of gym shorts, and then stepped in behind him. He was in too rough of shape to be left alone, and they both knew it. Whenever Steve came back beat to hell, even after their failed dating attempt, this was the routine. Kayleigh would check him over for damage, and then the suit would come off, leaving Steve in his boxers, and she would help him shower off. It had been something that had stemmed from their short-lived relationship, but had been too comforting to both of them to give up afterward. 

Steve’s eyes closed as she softly washed his skin with a cloth and his favorite body wash, being careful of his tender wounds, and once she was convinced enough of the dirt and blood was gone he dipped his head down to let her wash his hair. She couldn’t help but remember doing the same for Bucky, except he tipped his head back, to keep the soap and water from running into his eyes. It struck her in that moment, just how damn strange it was for her to know this fact about these two men, and her face heated up immediately. 

Shampoo rinsed out, she moved to get out of the shower, but Steve’s arm’s softly wrapped around her instead, pulling her to him. Kayleigh leaned against him, letting him hold her, almost too afraid to wrap her arms around him for fear of irritating a wound or hurting him. The water ran over Steve’s shoulders and onto her shirt, thoroughly soaking her while Steve rested his chin on top of her head, taking deep, even breaths. 

They stood there until the water ran cold, and finally Steve straightened up and let his arms drop back to his sides, although gingerly. Kayleigh stepped back, thoroughly soaked through, and slid out of the shower to grab them some towels. She threw hers over her shoulders, and then had Steve wrapped up in the oversized fluffy towel she saved just for him. It was the only one she’d seen that would go from his shoulders to his knees without issue. Steve’s movements were limited, but he managed to more or less towel himself off, and while Kayleigh turned her back to him – to try and save them both some embarrassment, she slid her t-shirt off and wrapped the towel around herself, even though her bra and shorts were soaked through as well. 

Steve’s face turned bright red, just like she’d suspected, but he said nothing as he followed her to her bedroom. He had a drawer in her dresser; a couple t-shirts, pair of sweats, some clean socks and a few spare pairs of boxers specifically for nights just like this one. She reached down and grabbed some clean clothes for him so he didn’t have to worry about bending for them. Steve then excused himself from her room, going to the spare room to change while she dried off and did the same. Throwing on a pair of leggings and an oversized sweater – which, if she was honest with herself, was Steve’s – she was just combing through her hair when Steve returned to her room. Everything about his actions had been more intense than usual. He was always in need of comfort when he came back like this, but he usually wasn’t quite so physically attached. He wrapped his arms around her again, his chest pressed against her back, and Kayleigh had a sudden realization. 

He had thought, at some point during this mission, that he wasn’t coming home. 

“Steve…” she choked on his name, the tears coming fast and furious to her eyes and down her cheeks. Usually he would have started talking to her about whatever had happened during the mission. But this time he just wanted her touch and her presence. He needed to ground himself. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. 

“No it’s not… how bad?” 

“Kay…” 

“How bad, Steve?” she asked, stepping out of his embrace and turning to look at him, not giving a shit about the tears streaming down her face. 

“I prayed,” he told her, staring down at his bare feet. Kayleigh sobbed, nearly collapsing where she stood. Steve Rogers hadn’t lost his religious beliefs, even in the insane world that he now lived in. But one thing he never did was pray on the battlefield. He’d told her several times; you could say your prayers first thing in the morning and before you went to bed, but you had to go through hell and high water before you should be praying for yourself at any other time. Obviously things like weddings and funerals were different, and an exception he had no issue making. But for Steve to pray for himself, he had believed he wasn’t walking away from the fight. 

“God…” she sat down hard on her bed, gasping for air at his confession. 

“I’m sorry Kay, I just… it was bad… I lost so much blood… backup wasn’t coming in time…” he told her, before slowly and painfully sitting down beside her. Once again her pulled her to his side, wrapping himself around her as if it would help to protect her from his words. 

“The emergency medic thought he nearly lost me twice in the plane until my system started kicking in. I… everything flashed before my eyes, and there was so much I regretted. Bucky being here and I would never even get the chance to talk to him or make things right with him. You,” he sighed, stroking her cheek. “God, the thought of not getting to say goodbye to you killed me, Kay. I spent all day yesterday sitting in their makeshift med bay sick at the thought.” 

She knew it, could feel it in her stomach, and when Steve leaned in and pressed his lips to hers she didn’t resist. She’d almost lost him, in the worst way, and they both needed to be reassured that all was now well. 

It was the first kiss they had shared that wasn’t laced with awkwardness; there was no tension, no hesitation, no self-conscious giggles, to Kayleigh there was just Steve. She loved him, no doubt and no question and always had, but she was unsure if she’d ever been in love with him. But the fear that had engulfed her stomach was telling her maybe otherwise. The thought of being without him terrified her. 

When the slow, soft kiss ended, Steve rested his forehead against hers, his thumb softly brushing her cheek. 

“I just… I know it’s never worked… but Kay – I can’t go out having you as a regret. I love you – you know that,” he whispered, and she nodded. 

“You know I love you too Steve, I just… we never work,” she reminded him, and he nodded. 

“I know. But… I’ve never… I mean I know I can die; I came damn close on that helicarrier. But this was… this was like a slap in the face from the reaper himself. I can’t leave you never having given us the chance we deserve, Kay,” he explained, and she nodded, tears slipping down her cheeks as she cupped his good cheek and kissed him again. 

“Okay,” she whispered against his lips, and he kissed her once more, deepening the kiss softly. They sat there, wrapped in each other’s arms long after his lips had left hers. 

“Can I stay?” he asked, worry lacing his tone. Kayleigh gave him a soft smile. 

“Of course, Steve,” she murmured, and helped him slide beneath the covers before curling up in his arms.


	31. Chapter 31

Kayleigh woke up wrapped up in the strong arms of someone much larger than herself. She felt the small smile grace her lips as she snuggled her back against the strong chest. The arms tightened, and then she realized something was dramatically different from the last time she had woken up with company.

There was no metal arm. 

She woke gulping for air, and saw Steve sleeping peacefully beside her, having rolled onto his back when she sat upright. 

Right. He was home. Beat to shit, but he was back in one piece. 

Kayleigh’s cheeks turned hot, and she slipped out of bed to lock herself in the bathroom for a moment. Steve would lose it if he knew Bucky had stayed in her apartment while he was gone, and even more so that she’d let him crawl into her bed to keep the night terrors at bay. Steve didn’t know Bucky now the way that she did, but even with that knowledge he wouldn’t understand. Bucky was safe, and he wouldn’t hurt her, not in a million years, and not on purpose. But it was more than crossing professional boundaries, and while she knew it, she couldn’t seem to help it when it came to Bucky. He blurred the lines between friendship and work in a way that she just couldn’t seem to get a hold on.

The cold water was welcomed against her face, and she took a shaky, deep breath before looking at herself in the mirror. She was feeling off because she was emotionally invested in Bucky; she’d spent almost half of a year trying to rehabilitate him and help him, of course she was attached to him. But it wasn’t romantic; of course it wasn’t. He was her client, and he was her friend. 

But Steve had been both, and look where they’d been and came back from, and had apparently gone back to last night. So it wasn’t like that was the excuse.

But Steve wasn’t Bucky, and Bucky wasn’t Steve. So why was she such a mess of turmoil when she thought about Bucky with Steve sound asleep in her room? 

Because Bucky had gotten upset thinking he’d encroached on Steve; he cared about her, and he cared about Steve. She had told him that she and Steve weren’t together – which had been true – to try and help him feel better, but now, if he saw them together he would assume she had lied to him. That was what was causing the unease in her stomach. It had to be. 

One more breath to even herself out and then she returned to her room, crawling back beneath the covers which were toasty and warm. Kayleigh nearly melted into the welcomed heat, courtesy of the human space heater that was Steve Rogers. He wrapped back around her in his sleep, tangling his legs with hers, and Kayleigh let him, pressing a butterfly-soft kiss to his cheek. Already the split skin had mended itself, and the bruise had gone from a deep violet black to more of a plum color. Thank God he healed fast.

The smile softly spread across his lips, and Kayleigh couldn’t help but smile at it. Steve looked peaceful, and she knew he was safe wrapped up in her apartment here at the tower. It helped settle the unease in her stomach. 

“Morning,” his voice was raspy as he kept his eyes closed, pulling her closer to him. 

“Morning Steve,” she softly answered. It was still far too early to be up and about, but Steve’s internal alarm clock was flawless. Undoubtedly it was only seven am.

“Did you sleep okay?” he asked, and she nodded, running a hand through his dirty blonde hair. He let out a content sound in his throat, before cracking open a beautiful, ocean blue eye at her. 

“Like a baby,” she confirmed, making him smile. “You?” 

“Best sleep I’ve had in weeks,” he agreed, before rolling onto his back and bringing her with him. She let out a giggle before quickly sticking out her arms and lifting her weight off of him; she’d seen the condition of his upper body last night. Steve didn’t need her crushing his undoubtedly broken ribs. 

“It’s okay; they’re good. Come on,” he insisted, hands on her waist, softly pulling her back down to him. Slowly she obliged, and Steve looked at her once she had. Soft light was beginning to filter in from the window through the curtains, and Steve’s eyes moved over her face before his fingers traced her features, the light just hitting the side of her face. 

“You’ve got that look on your face,” she grinned, and he shrugged. 

“Once you get an eye for drawing things you can’t lose it,” he told her. “You look beautiful in this light.” 

The way he said it made Kayleigh blush, before she raised an eyebrow at him. His fingers were all but itching for a pencil, she could tell. 

“Maybe if you hurry and ask nicely I’ll let you draw me then,” she sighed, and with his super soldier speed Steve shot out from beneath her, so quickly she almost didn’t realize it, before he returned, a piece of printer paper, her notebook, and a mechanical pencil in hand. Kayleigh lifted herself up so Steve could settle himself beneath her once more, and then those blue eyes were in motion. He ran his thumb down her nose, softly over her lips, and then along her jawline before pausing with the pad of his thumb on the end of her chin. It always amazed her the way he went from Super Soldier to artist in the blink of an eye. 

When he began to sketch though, she could tell he had zoned out. His eyes were intense and sharp, but they were in another place as she rested her chin on her hands and watched him take her in. The grip on the pencil was incredibly light, and Kayleigh could have fallen back asleep if she wasn’t so intent on letting him draw and getting to see the results. It meant his mind was in a better place, if he wanted to draw. She’d learned that a long time ago. The painting of the New York skyline was the product of the first time he’d felt good enough to raise a pencil or a brush since coming out of the ice – to thank her, he’d given it to her. 

They laid like that for twenty minutes, the sun beginning to change the shadows too drastically for Steve’s liking. His tongue peeked out from between his lips with his concentration, making Kayleigh giggle at just how average he could look. Steve was undeniably and incredibly handsome, but in moments like this he didn’t look like a ninety-something super soldier; he looked like an average, everyday twenty-something. 

“Wanna see?” he asked, suddenly shy. Kayleigh nodded enthusiastically, and scooted up to nestle her head against his shoulder. He lifted the paper dramatically, and Kayleigh felt the breath leave her chest. 

She had never looked that beautiful in all her life; the mess of blonde hair piled in a bun on top of her head, Steve had turned into an elegant tousle of waves. The slightly red, sleepy eyes she knew she had instead became the softly lidded, almost sensual gaze of a woman who was looking at someone she loved. Her lips, instead of seeming puffy and chapped from having been chewed on in her worry, seemed plump and soft, the light and shadows Steve had sketched in such a short period of time easily capturing the light he’d been so excited over. 

“Do you like it?” he asked, and she nodded, swallowing hard. 

“Steve, I… it’s amazing. I don’t look like that though,” she told him, and he gave her a quizzical look. 

“What do you mean? That looks just like you – that is you,” he responded, but she shook her head, quickly pointing out the immediate things that came to her mind. 

“God Kayleigh… if only you could see yourself the way I do,” he said, tucking a stray chunk of hair behind her ear, the gesture soft and caring. “This is exactly what you look like, to me.” 

He reached up to kiss her then, and again the soft kiss just felt like a kiss. There was still none of the weird awkwardness they usually encountered. She liked that.   
“Oh Steve, ever the gentleman,” she mumbled against his lips, making him chuckle.

“Well it’s true,” he argued, sounding a little putout that she obviously didn’t believe him. Kayleigh sat up and stretched, anticipating Steve’s usual morning routine. She was surprised he’d stayed in bed this long, to be honest. Usually he could control himself until eight o’clock and would call that sleeping in; on more than one morning he’d let himself into her apartment to wake her up, insisting she was wasting the day away. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked playfully, and Kayleigh gaped at him. 

“Getting up?” she asked, and Steve laughed, gently taking her wrists and pulling her toward him. She fell against his chest, and while he let out a small grunt, that was the only indication that he was in any hint of pain. 

“I think I want to sleep in today,” he mumbled, snuggling back into the bed, and raising an eyebrow at her, daring her to argue with him. She moved the notebook, sketch and pencil to the nightstand, before wrapping herself around his large frame and laying her head on his chest. 

“Sounds good to me,” she yawned, before promptly falling back asleep.


	32. Chapter 32

Bucky’s day was a long one. After having spent a few days having the run of Kayleigh’s apartment, his seemed small and almost claustrophobic. And lifeless. Even in the apartment they’d had when he was a kid he always remembered stuff like a blanket on the couch or pictures on the walls, magazines on the coffee table. His place seemed so empty. Maybe Kayleigh would help him with that. She couldn’t help the fact that he hadn’t been allowed a balcony to sit outside on to watch and listen to the city, but he was sure she’d have ideas.

The six novels she’d lent him had helped; they occupied some space on the coffee table and at least made some sense of a person living there. Even his bedroom was decidedly non-personal; the bedspread was grey, the sheets were grey, the walls were off-white. Rental white, if his mind recalled properly – surely that hadn’t changed much. The only thing that had any personality was the picture Kayleigh had chosen and hung on the hall, and Bucky loved it. But everything else was nondescript and it bothered him. 

He’d also waited up for a few hours for Kayleigh, before realizing something must have came up. She’d said she would be there bright and early, but he could remember she had a penchant for sleeping in, so at first hadn’t thought twice about it. After ten thirty, however, it was evident she wouldn’t be coming to visit for a while. Bucky had shaken it off; she had a regular job, she obviously couldn’t spend every moment of every day with him. But it did make his heart sink a little bit. 

The biggest worry was that he’d overstepped his boundaries while staying at her apartment. He’d done his best to be a good house guest, knowing his mother would roll in her grave if he was anything but, but he’d ended up crawling into her bed twice when the nightmares had came to him and he’d actually managed to wake up in time. There was nothing else that would keep the nightmares at bay, except for knowing that the one person who treated him like a person was there and would fight them off. Kayleigh was like his own superhero, the comfort she presented for him a calming presence on his mind. Her touch reminded him that he was still a man, that the nightmares of being strapped to a cold medical table were a long way away and that he would never have to go back there again. That someone could touch him and not cause him pain; and that his metal arm didn’t make him a monster. 

But he understood that was a lot of weight to put on Kayleigh’s shoulders, a burden that she hadn’t asked for. So, determined to keep himself busy for the day, productive even to give herself a break and make sure she didn’t feel bad for forgetting about what she’d said, he delved into the first novel on the pile. “To Kill A Mockingbird” was the title, and while he hadn’t really read the back cover Kayleigh said it was one of her favorites; she’d been made to read it in school but had fallen in love with it. 

So Bucky spent his entire morning with his nose buried in the book. The pages felt well worn and flipped through, letting him know that Kayleigh had poured through the book several times since she had purchased it. It was only when there was a knock on his door that he put a bookmark in and put the book down. It was his lunch, a guard absentmindedly standing outside of his front door with the tray. Bucky sighed before the door opened by itself – he didn’t have security clearance to operate it – and the guard nodded wordlessly at Bucky as he walked in and set the tray down at the table. 

“Looks like a good lunch today,” the man stuttered, trying to make conversation, and after a quick glance at the tray, Bucky nodded. 

“Sure does; thanks,” he said, spooking the man in the process. He realized that he’d never really spoken to anyone else except Kayleigh. She’d made him speak to Steve once, and he’d kind of spoke with the staff at the bakery a few times. But that was it. So no wonder the other man was surprised by the attempt at conversation.

“Of course. Uh, if you need anything, just uh, let us know,” he said, and Bucky nodded at the man as he made his way out the door. A quick look at the plate had his stomach growling; the enchiladas looking beyond appealing on the plate. 

There was no hesitation as he slid into his chair and dug in, grateful that he didn’t have to worry about cooking for himself. It had been seventy years since Bucky had had to worry about making food, or even think about consuming food that wasn’t simply the nutritional requirement to complete a mission. It sent a shiver down his spine, before he took another large bite of his lunch, quickly reminding himself that this was different. The food was delicious, full of flavor, and even that was enough to differentiate between the past and now. They would have never given him food like this; it was food. They gave him fuel for the machine they’d turned him into. He wasn’t a machine anymore; Kayleigh made sure of that. 

With a shaking hand he touched the nape of his neck, able to feel the line where the hair was short stubble, having been shaved for the surgery, to remind himself the machine-like programming was gone. Permanently removed from his brain, courtesy of Kayleigh’s friends. It was the most comforting thing he could tell himself as he cleaned up the remainder of his food and rinsed off the plate and utensils. He helped himself to a glass of juice, glad Kayleigh had started letting him stock some food in his kitchen. Sometimes he got so hungry in between meals he couldn’t stand it. 

He had rinsed off the plate and utensils before setting them on the counter, knowing that the guards would come back in and pick them up. But it left Bucky to his own devices once again, and he sat down hard on the couch, wondering how in the hell he was going to entertain himself for the remainder of the day. His eyes wandered to the whiteboard leaning against the wall; Kayleigh had gotten it for him to try and make a routine for him, hoping that would make it easier for him to adjust. It had only been altered once or twice; adding in the workout routine he’d picked up and then changing it once she’d gotten him some weights. 

That took up an hour of his time, going through the workout routine that had been engraved into his brain at basic; he’d only had to modify a few things. There was nowhere to do pull ups, and obviously he couldn’t run, but he tried to make up for it by increasing reps on the things he could do. Once finished, he lay on the floor panting, chest and hair soaked in sweat and Bucky felt satisfied with himself. Managing by himself was a normal human thing; he could handle it. He would. 

Post-workout required a shower, and Bucky stood beneath the hot water, letting it pound over his muscles and plaster his hair flat to his head. It was long, the ends touching and passing his shoulders when wet. He pushed it back from his face in distaste; his Ma would have scolded him to no end seeing him like this. She would have taken the clippers to him herself, and undoubtedly buzzed it as short to his skull as she could just to make a point. He grinned to himself but shuddered at the same time. She’d done it to him once, and Bucky decidedly did not look good with no hair. Kids at school had made fun of him for weeks until it began to grow back; even Steve had jokingly called him ‘egghead’ once.

With a mental note to himself, he figured it couldn’t hurt to ask Kayleigh about it; maybe she would cut it for him. She seemed to be such a jack-of-all trades that trimming his hair wouldn’t be a stretch. She was a therapist, confidant, friend and protector, cook, story teller… why not add barber to the list? Bucky grinned to himself, trying to picture Kayleigh standing behind a barber’s chair. It wasn’t terribly hard to do so, but it felt slightly off. Bucky knew that she was meant for bigger things than that, but it was easy to see people talking to her and confiding in her looking for advice at the same time. It was part of her nature. 

He finished the novel, understanding why Kayleigh had enjoyed it so much, and then gently placed it beside the pile of unread ones on the coffee table. They’d brought his supper, a different guard on duty this time, who had been equally as shocked when Bucky had spoken to him, and it had already been cleared away. He worried that maybe something had gone south on the mission and Kayleigh had been called in for help, or if something bad had happened to someone who worked for Stark Industries and Kayleigh was trying to do damage control. It hadn’t bothered him before, but being completely isolated from the entire world – even just the world that was within the tower – kind of got to him. His only connection to life was Kayleigh; she was the only one and reason that he didn’t feel like a prisoner. She tried her damnedest, he knew, but there was only so much she could do and he understood that. He also knew that Steve and whoever Tony was also had more say than she did, and that if Kayleigh felt okay with sneaking him to her apartment that they had opposing views on him. 

He grabbed the second book off of the pile, this one a period book called Outlander that Kayleigh had blushed about and insisted he probably wouldn’t like. Just the reaction he’d gotten out of her had made him smirk and insist it looked interesting, although she’d stammered and blushed some more before decidedly refusing to tell him why she didn’t want him reading it. The cover gave away nothing, but if he had to guess it was a designed-for-women romance story, and Bucky wanted to read it if for no other reason than to tease her relentlessly for liking this kind of rubbish. 

The fact Kayleigh hadn’t even checked in on him today still had an odd, unsettled feeling in his stomach, but as he curled up beneath the covers with only the lamp on Bucky tried to push it aside. Kayleigh would be back, he just had to keep his shit together until she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of being in Bucky's world - sorry this chapter is so short! Wanted to have some insight for him amidst everything going on with Kay and Steve!
> 
> And thanks so much everyone for the wonderful comments! In the midst of the near-insanity that seems to be my everyday life (Why did I think I could do full time university plus work plus volunteer plus keep up with a story?) I really enjoy getting to hear from you guys and know what you're thinking! I've written plenty of stories before but I've only been this attached to my characters once or twice in my whole life, and it's so cool to get to see you guys being attached to them too :)
> 
> Because, I mean, who doesn't love Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes? Right? :)


	33. Chapter 33

Once she woke up Tuesday morning she realized her error, and immediately was in a panic, knowing Bucky would be upset. She’d left him on his own for the entire day, even though she’d told him that she’d be there. Steve had seemed concerned, putting his hands on her shoulders and asking her to calm down, that Bucky would understand, but she’d shaken him off. 

“I’m all he has right now Steve; he’s up there completely isolated from any and everything. He can’t even watch the news – Tony thought it would be too triggering,” she explained, but he sighed. She knew the words had stung, even though she hadn’t meant them to. He was used to being there for Bucky, and she’d just reminded him that at present he was nothing of the sort.

“It probably would be, Kayleigh; they’ve speculated about his involvement with the take-down of SHIELD,” he told her, but she continued getting ready. Throwing a baseball tee on and digging through her drawers for a pair of leggings while Steve shadowed her. 

“You don’t get it Steve – by leaving him all on his own like that? We’re no better than… than they were to him,” the word felt vile on her tongue, even though she couldn’t bring herself to say it. “We’re isolating him, locking him away somewhere… I can’t do that to him.” 

“Okay, okay – go hang out for a couple hours, see how things are. But you’re in rough shape Kay and you need to recognize that and take care of yourself too.” 

His blue eyes were all but begging her, and so Kayleigh nodded, before ruffling up Steve’s blonde hair and then going to the bathroom to throw her hair up in a ponytail and brush her teeth. 

“I’ll be back after lunch – I’ve got a follow up session with Clint at twelve thirty and then Natasha wants to go grab coffee, okay?” she asked as soon as she had rinsed the remainder of the toothpaste from her teeth. Kayleigh made her way to the living room to find Steve sprawled out across her couch, wrapped in blankets surfing through the TV channels. 

“Okay, let me know what you want for lunch? I’ll grab you something so you don’t have to worry about it,” he told her, making Kayleigh smile. Thankfully he wasn’t upset about her need to go and see Bucky. Truly, she hadn’t believed it would be an issue, but knew Steve simply wanted to look out for her. 

“I’ll text you – thanks Steve,” his smile told her that he heard the sincere gratitude in her voice, and she pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before slipping into her Toms and leaving the apartment. 

This was the first time in her collective memory that she’d seen Steve willing and almost eager to simply relax. He was usually a pedal to the metal kind of guy, always ready to take on the next challenge or help the next person. It ate away at Kayleigh that his behavior was maybe off, that something wasn’t quite right. She was afraid he was hiding something from her; that maybe he was in far worse shape behind his smile than she knew. 

Kayleigh hadn’t realized she was chewing on her lip until she felt the tangy, irony taste of blood in her mouth, and realized that she had broken the skin. Her mother would kill her knowing she’d fallen back into the habit again, but it was a nervous reaction she’d had since she was a small child. After dabbing a finger to the skin to see how much bleeding there actually was she shrugged it off and stepped out as the elevator doors slid open soundlessly. The guard seated outside of Bucky’s apartment was napping, bringing a grin to her face. By now they knew as well as she did that things didn’t get very exciting around the Winter Soldier’s apartment. 

“Morning,” she teased, and he jumped to attention, looking bashful at having been caught. 

“M-Morning Dr. Stone,” 

“Want me to get you a coffee? Or a pillow?” she asked, and while his face turned bright red – the poor kid couldn’t have been older than twenty – he shook his head. 

“No ma’am – I’m quite all right,” he insisted, making Kayleigh smile as she swiped her key card and then pressed her thumb into the scanner. 

“If you’re sure – there’s lots of spare pillows,” she winked, and he managed a chuckle before settling back into his chair, still a little outwardly embarrassed. Kayleigh couldn’t blame him – it made for long shifts sitting and waiting to here if anything had happened inside the apartment or to bring him food. 

“Bucky?” she knocked softly on the door as the lock clicked open, and only opened it a few inches to call inside. He didn’t need anybody waltzing into his space like they owned it. 

She didn’t hear anything, which caused her concern more than anything, so stepped into the apartment and let the door close behind her. 

“Bucky? Is everything okay?” she asked, raising her voice slightly. Still there was no answer, and with her heart pounding in her ears Kayleigh ran to his bedroom, opening the door and flipping on the light. 

Empty. His bed didn’t look slept in; the sheets undisturbed from whenever he’d last made it. The bathroom door was open, and he wasn’t in there either. Panic was setting in now, as Kayleigh tried to get a hold of herself, to tell her that Bucky would be okay. 

“Bucky! Bucky where are you?” she called again, before noticing the couch was moved over. Kayleigh walked over to inspect it, before something knocked the wind from her and the next thing she knew she was on the floor, a cold hand on her throat. 

“Кто вас послал?” he growled, and Kayleigh felt her blood run cold. This wasn’t the voice of Bucky; this was something or someone altogether different. This voice scared her, something she had never before felt in his presence.

“Bucky… Bucky it’s me – it’s Kayleigh,” she cried out, feeling the metal pressed against her neck. She couldn’t see anything but his chest, having been pressed too tightly between him and the floor, but she wondered what she would see in his blue eyes if she could look into them. 

“Kayleigh?” he tasted her name on his tongue, before his grip on her throat tightened slightly. Still not enough to truly cause pain, but enough to scare her and restrict her air flow. 

“Please remember Bucky; it’s me, it’s Kayleigh. You’re okay, you’re safe – I’m here,” she rasped out the words, before Bucky’s face was soon in hers. Studying her, trying to determine whether she was being honest with him or not. There was a strange emptiness to the blue depths that sent a chill through her, and she swallowed hard, hoping to God he would recognize her.

“Please Bucky,” she whispered, the tears falling down her cheeks, before she felt the grip of his metal hand slacken, and move to caress her cheek before moving away. Something had happened to him; she didn’t know what, but this wasn’t Bucky Barnes. 

“I believe you,” he told her in halting English, pulling her up to her feet, and then raking his eyes over her as if he was trying to commit her to memory. 

“Do you know where you are, Bucky?” she asked, voice wavering as she tried to swipe the tears from her cheeks and hide just how scared she was. Bucky had never, ever tried to consciously harm her, she’d never had a reason to be afraid of him, but wherever Bucky had gone in his mind, this man scared her more than anything else in her life. 

“No,” he answered, and she slowly reached out her hand, palm up to him. 

“You’re home,” the whisper was soft, and he stared at her hand for a few moments, eyes intense before he slowly reached out with his right hand, and touched his fingers to hers. 

Then his eyes rolled back and he collapsed to the floor. 

“Bucky!” she couldn’t move quick enough to keep him from going down, but she cradled his head and stroked his hair, letting the tears fall as she checked his pulse. His vitals seemed okay, but he’d crumpled to the floor like someone had shot him point blank. 

It only took a few minutes for the dark eyelashes to begin fluttering against his cheeks, and Kayleigh tried to hide her tears before those blue-grey eyes could see them. 

“What the… Kay? What… what happened? When…?” it took a moment for his eyes to focus but once they did they were zoned in on her, and she knew he was seeing through whatever weak wall she had managed to put up. He knew something was wrong. 

“Kay tell me what happened,” he asked, sitting up slowly and rubbing his head. 

“You… you…” she gulped, tears threatening once again as she tried to find words to explain what had happened. Bucky’s expression dropped from one of confusion to one of pure fear as he took her in. 

“No… no…” he tipped her chin up, and she could feel him begin to tremble as he sniffed, trying to hide his own tears. She knew that there would be a red handprint left on her skin, and that Bucky would see it. It would be impossible to hide it from him, her skin still tender where his hand had bit into it, holding her with enough force to bruise.

“What did I do…” he whispered, dropping his hand from her as if he would hurt her simply by brushing against her. Kayleigh wrapped her arms around herself, still shaking and unsettled and eyeing Bucky carefully. This seemed to be her Bucky, the real one, but she somehow couldn’t chase the fear from her stomach. 

“I couldn’t find you,” she whispered, closing her eyes tightly to stave off reliving the pictures. “And then… I saw the couch had been moved, so I went to walk over. You knocked me onto the floor… pinned me down… you were speaking a different language and I couldn’t understand you.” 

“I turned into him, didn’t I?” his voice shook, and Kayleigh nodded, unable to voice it. 

“How… how? We took out the programming! This shouldn’t be possible!” he growled, and Kayleigh flinched away from him. It took them both a second to register what had happened, before Kayleigh’s eyes welled up in shame with herself and Bucky’s welled up with pain. 

“You’re afraid of me,” it wasn’t a question it was a statement. She shook her head, tried to reach out for him but he avoided it. 

“You’re afraid of me… you know what I can do… what can happen to me…” he insisted, standing up and backing away from her with his hands up. “I’m so sorry Kay… I’m so sorry – I never wanted to hurt you.” 

He was openly crying now, and Kayleigh’s heart broke. This was her Bucky; the man who would never, ever do anything but protect her. But somewhere inside him there was another person who wasn’t the same. 

“Bucky please,” she whispered, but he shook his head. 

“It’s not safe for you here with me,” he told her, and then pressed himself against the far wall of the kitchen, trying not to impede her. “You should go. Tell Tony and Steve, I’m sure they’ll think of something.” 

“No,” her argument was nothing more than a whisper, but she could see it shook Bucky to the core. 

“I won’t leave you Bucky,” 

“You should. For your own good,” he insisted, but she remained seated on the floor of his living room. 

“I’m a monster, Kay – I guess there’s nothing we can do to fix that,” his voice broke on the words, and Kayleigh’s head snapped up. 

“James Buchanan Barnes you are not a monster – and I never want to hear you say that again,” she told him, her voice sharper than she meant to thanks to the overload of emotions running through her system. 

“It’s true! Jesus Kay it’s true! You’re the only person who gives a damn about me and guess what happens? I black out but somehow I’m still awake and I pinned you against the floor and tried to choke you out! How is that okay? A normal person doesn’t do that!” he roared, frustrations peaking. Kayleigh steeled herself, not flinching this time when he raised his voice. Instead she stood and walked over to him, even though she could see he was pleading with his eyes for her to do anything but. 

“It’s not true. Whatever happened… we can figure it out. We can deal with it. We can get through it like we have everything else. That wasn’t you,” she quietly insisted, before resting her head against his chest and closing her eyes. 

She waited for him, and finally a few minutes later Bucky carefully wrapped his arms around her. He held her for a second before a sob ripped from his chest and he tightened his grip on her before both of them slowly sunk to the floor. 

“I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry…” he whispered and mumbled against her hair and rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. Kayleigh simply held him, knowing he needed to let everything out. Finally his breathing became more even, and Bucky cupped her cheeks to tilt her face up to look at him. 

She didn’t know what she expected; for Bucky to say something, to tell her something, but instead all he did was look into her eyes. It was almost too overwhelming, like he was staring into her soul, before he closed his eyes and gently rested his forehead against hers. 

“Can you ever forgive me?” he whispered, and she nodded gently, not breaking the contact. 

“Already have,” she answered, her voice equally as soft. She didn’t have a concept of how long they sat like that, arms wrapped around each other and foreheads touching, but it was comforting. Like Bucky had wrapped a security blanket around the two of them and nothing else could get in. Not even the disassociated part of Bucky that had managed to break loose. 

“Wanna lay on the couch?” he asked a while later, after Kayleigh’s legs had long since fallen asleep. She nodded, and let him pick her up as he stood, carrying her over to said couch and gently laying her down. Again, his fingers traced the angry red skin at her throat, and he closed his eyes, unable to stand seeing what he’d done, before he sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. 

She was exhausted, the adrenaline having left her system from the morning’s events, and Bucky distracted himself by comforting her. Softly running his right hand through her hair, mumbling about nothing and keeping her against his chest. This was Bucky. This was familiar and comfortable and safe. 

Steve was going to be livid, she knew, as she floated somewhere between awake and asleep. He would take one look at the red on her neck and go straight to Tony. Then God only knew what would happen, what would happen to Bucky because of it. Her heart dropped at the prospect; she knew Steve only wanted to protect her, but there was only so much he could do. He wasn't used to being in a position of helplessness, not anymore, and she knew it frustrated him when it seemed like there was nothing he could do. But if he saw any small, viable chance to not be helpless, he'd take it - she just worried if it would be at the expense of his best friend.

“He’ll be mad, won’t he?” Bucky asked, his voice was soft and effectively snapped her out of her thoughts. He meant Steve, she realized. 

“Probably. More at me than you though,” she sighed, and felt Bucky stiffen beneath her. That obviously surprised him. 

“What do you mean? Why would he be mad at you? You weren’t the one who blacked out and went Winter Soldier on someone you care about,” 

“Because he thinks I’m too invested, that I don’t take care of myself while I’m trying to help and take care of you. He thinks I put myself in danger when I shouldn’t or shouldn’t have to, and this will be his argument. But you couldn’t help it, and you didn’t mean to,” she explained, but Bucky shook his head in her peripheral vision.

“He has a point, Kay. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t want to – the me that’s here with you. Obviously there’s something or someone else in my head who doesn’t realize that, and that person is dangerous,” he told her, but she sat up to look at him properly. 

“Don’t you say that. I’m not going over this again; I’m not leaving you. We’ll figure it out.” 

“Not at the expense of you,” he told her, sounding definitive about his decision. She narrowed her eyes slightly, but was met with equal stubbornness from him.   
“It’s not at the expense of me,” 

“It could be if we aren’t careful,” 

“It won’t be, you don’t know what might happen,”

“Neither do you,” he shot back, before his expression softened once again. He was getting worked up, and obviously wasn’t happy about it. 

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be short with you. It just… I want you safe too,” he apologized, and Kayleigh nodded her head. 

“I understand Bucky, but I can take care of myself,” she argued, but all she got in response was a raised eyebrow. 

“Kay… no offence or anything… but when it comes to me you kind of can’t,” she let out a frustrated sound, but Bucky only chuckled for a second before his right hand was gently on her cheek again. “I’m as strong as Captain America. I’m sure they’ve told you… about some of the worse things they’ve made me do. And how many times have I hurt you already? Far too many. We need to be careful so that you don’t keep getting hurt.” 

His tone was gentle, trying to be persuasive, but it only frustrated Kayleigh worse. She didn’t need to be told how to handle herself; she’d been doing so since she moved out of her parents house. They had tried to control everything, tell her what she was and wasn’t capable of, and she had been done with taking that a long time ago. 

“I made the decision to try and help you out of those night terrors, that’s my responsibility, and my choice,” there was steel in her voice and Bucky’s eyes widened at it. He’d never seen her like this before. 

“I’m not saying it isn’t—”

“But you are! That’s exactly what you’re saying!” she sat up and pushed away from him before shaking off the blanket and standing. 

“Kayleigh, Kayleigh I’m sorry,” 

“Just… please don’t,” she braced herself against the hand that was soft on her shoulder, and after a second’s hesitation he let it drop. Kayleigh’s eyes stayed focused on the white tile beneath her feet, afraid of tears or breaking if she had to face Bucky through this. 

“Okay. What do you want to do, then?” he asked, and she took a shuddering breath, before straightening up and squaring her shoulders. 

“Well, we can watch a movie. And I think we need to discuss a treatment plan moving forward as well,” she said, doing her best to sink into basics, into the training she’d received. As she turned around she could tell Bucky was a little stunned; she’d never treated him so strictly like a patient in the entire time he’d been here. 

“O-okay. All right. Sounds good,” he nodded, before sitting on the couch and then hesitantly patting the cushion beside him for her to sit down. She obliged, but kept space between them on the couch, while he chose a movie. 

It was obvious Bucky was on-edge and uncomfortable. He fidgeted almost the entire movie, and kept glancing over at Kayleigh, trying to read her expression or gauge what was going on rather than pay attention to the television. It was like he couldn’t get comfortable or relax, and Kayleigh felt terrible for it, but stayed seated where and how she was.


	34. Chapter 34

When it finished Bucky was even worse, running his hands through his hair or stuffing them in his pockets simply to repeat the process again, or tug at his t-shirt. Kayleigh gave him the run down for what she was thinking – they’d continue doing things the way they were now, spending time together, essentially socializing to try and understand where he was. But she would incorporate actual therapy sessions as well; ones that would take place in her office, on the books, the whole thing. Twice a week, and Bucky nodded, simply agreeing to whatever she said. She hoped that in a month or so they would have a good enough understanding of where Bucky was psychologically that she could convince Tony to ease up on some of the restrictions placed on him, if she was able to prove that Bucky could handle it, and again he simply nodded. 

“Okay, well, uh, I need to get going – I have a session with a client in about a half an hour,” she told him, and Bucky nodded, standing and walking with her to the door of his apartment. 

“Um, will… are you coming back today?” he asked, and Kayleigh didn’t know how to answer. She wanted to, if for no other reason than to have had time for both of them to calm down and relax and work through their thoughts, but she wasn’t sure Steve would go for it. 

“I’ll try to,” she finally answered, and Bucky raised an eyebrow. 

“Got a full dance card today?” he asked, teasingly, and Kayleigh chuckled before she felt her shoulders fall. 

“Not really, it’s just…” 

“Steve won’t want you to come back today,” he finished the thought for her, and Kayleigh bit her lip again, upset at the way Bucky seemed to fold in on himself. With a slight jump she had the tang of iron in her mouth again, unaware she’d broken the skin on her earlier wound. 

“You shouldn’t do that Kay,” Bucky reached out and gently wiped the blood from her lip, the gesture so tender that Kayleigh froze beneath his touch. “You’re making yourself bleed.” 

“Bad habit,” she mumbled, and Bucky nodded. 

“I understand. It’s okay – don’t worry about me. I can handle myself for the rest of today. You should get some rest, spend some time with Steve,” he told her, and Kayleigh felt her throat constrict slightly. He spoke about Steve like he and Kayleigh were in a relationship, but he didn’t know that they were trying to rekindle it. And she felt like she needed to tell him.

“I… he came back really rough. That’s why I wasn’t here yesterday,” she admitted, and his eyes widened. 

“How rough?” 

“He prayed,” Bucky sucked in a tight breath, and she knew that he understood the gravity of her statement. 1943 Steve and 2016 Steve weren’t that different, apparently. 

“God…” 

“When I got back from seeing you he’d let himself into my apartment. It was bad, Bucky,” she closed her eyes, willing away the image of Steven broken and bloodied in her living room. “And he… well…” 

“Wanted to give your relationship another go?” he supplied the words for her, and Kayleigh nodded. She was surprised he’d so easily guessed what had happened, but at the same time felt like she shouldn’t have been. Bucky was so observant it was scary sometimes. 

“Yeah. He said he couldn’t stand the thought of going out with not giving us a fair chance as a regret,” she explained. Bucky seemed to mull over it for a second, before nodding. 

“Can’t say I blame him,” he agreed, and Kayleigh felt a weird mix of relief and unease at his statement. There was just something in his tone that was off, but Kayleigh picked up on it. She didn’t mention it though, as she was sure Bucky hadn’t meant for her to hear it. 

“But are you doing it because you think you and Steve will work? Or because you got too afraid of losing him that you’re simply going with it?” Bucky asked, and it felt like he’d punched her in the stomach. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Shit… Kay I’m sorry, I just. I’ve been there, okay? I’ve gone off to war. It’s scary as hell,” he explained, putting his hands on her shoulders, his thumb softly stroking the fabric. “I just… you said you never work out. I just want to make sure you’re in it again for the right reasons, you know?” 

“Steve means the world to me Bucky,” she told him, and thought she saw something flicker in his eyes. “Believe me, I would love for this to work out for us. Sometimes you have the right person at the wrong time, you know? He’s amazing; he’s kind and sweet and caring…” 

But they both knew her sentence had trailed off for more than one reason. Kayleigh wanted nothing more than to fall madly in love and Steve do the same. But history seemed to always repeat itself with the two of them, and it worried her. 

“But you sound like you’re trying to convince yourself at the same time as you’re trying to convince me,” Bucky softly intervened, and Kayleigh nearly began chewing on her lip again. 

“I just… you’re the only person I’ve got, Kayleigh. Steve used to be my best friend. I just want both of you happy, not trying and trying to make something work that won’t. You both deserve better than that. If you hadn’t told me, before, I would have assumed the two of were you perfect for each other. My best friend always needed a girl like you, to be honest. And you deserve the world, Kay. Just make sure you guys aren’t trying to force it, I guess is all I’m saying,” he ran a hand through his hair awkwardly, and Kayleigh was left speechless. Where the hell was all of this coming from? She didn’t understand why Bucky seemed so insistent that just trying it again maybe wasn’t the right thing. 

“We aren’t going to try and force it, Bucky. We just wanted to give us another chance,” she told him, pasting a small smile to her face. 

“Good. Then I hope it works out for you,” it was a small truce, but it was sincere, she could tell. She gave Bucky a quick hug, and he squeezed her back tightly, holding her against his chest for a few extra moments. 

“Take care Kay,” 

“You too Bucky,” she smiled at him before exiting his apartment, and taking a deep breath and letting it go once again as the door shut behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is kind of a short, filler-ish chapter... but I had to get Bucky back in the loop :)
> 
> Also, I know a few people were confused as to what was happening; I don't know if that means story-line wise or not, but if anybody ever has any questions - like it doesn't seem like it's making sense where things are going or about something that happened... please let me know! I don't have anybody proof-reading for me so God only knows with my brain sometimes lol. 
> 
> Hope you guys like it! :)


	35. Chapter 35

“Kay…” 

She nearly jumped out of her skin – Natasha had walked into her office without a sound, looking unbelievably stylish in a pair of combat boots, some dark jeans, and a chic jacket. Kayleigh’s face heated up as she had nearly fallen off her chair and her friend was doing her damnedest not to laugh at her.

“Sorry – god you have got to stop sneaking up on me like that,” she chastised Natasha with a smile as the redhead laughed at her. 

“I’ve got to stay on top of my game somehow,” she shrugged, before eyeing Kayleigh suspiciously. She’d managed to sneak into her apartment and do her makeup – spending a lot of time covering up the handprint on her neck – while Steve had still been asleep on the couch, but Natasha was a little more observant than a half-awake super soldier in recovery. 

“So, ready to go?” Kayleigh was soon shrugging into her jacket, and wrapping a scarf around her neck – partially to keep warm, partially to keep the morning’s altercation hidden as she smiled at the redhead. She had to be on top of her game or Natasha would have her figured out in an instant. 

“Sure. So I was thinking, coffee and hit the park?” she suggested. Kayleigh nodded, quickly filing away her case notes and sliding her laptop into its case before hiding it beneath her desk. It was a habit, not that it really needed to be done when she could lock her office. 

“That sounds awesome – I could really use some caffeine,” 

“Light roast it is – let’s go,” Natasha decided, making Kayleigh giggle as she slid her phone into her pocket, and soon was following Natasha down the hallway. They weaved through a few small groups of employees before taking the stairs down to the main level. 

Sam was walking in just as they were leaving, and he gave Kayleigh a bright smile the moment he laid eyes on her. The kind of smile that told her she was going to leave this conversation too embarrassed for words. Those were Sam’s favorite kind of conversations, she was positive.

“Hey! There she is!” he pulled her into a hug, making her laugh a little, before he gave a nod to Natasha. It had been no secret Sam had had a bit of a crush on her when they had first met. 

“What am I? Chopped liver?” she teased, before hugging him as well, the smirk still on her lips. 

“So I take it you haven’t heard the big news?” he asked, and Kayleigh groaned and rolled her eyes at Steve’s right-hand man. Of course he already knew. It was like he had Spidey-senses about Steve, and therefore, her.

“Big news?” Natasha looked at him before Kayleigh watched realization spread over her face. Natasha turned to her with a shit-eating grin before raising an eyebrow. 

“So I take it Cap is curled up on your couch right about now?” she asked, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“Yeah he is. Just relax you guys—” 

“Relax? Come on Kayleigh, you and Cap have suburban home with white picket fence written all over you. In capital letters,” Sam teased. 

“You are literally the only person who can make Steve light up and you know it,” Natasha chimed in, and Kayleigh ran a hand through her hair, red from her forehead to her neck as they discussed her day-old restart of a relationship. 

“You guys, it’s literally been like a day and a half… lay off? Please? We know how it’s ended before,” she sighed, and Natasha nodded. Sam however, was still smirking.

“Come on Kay – you know we like to see both of you blush like little schoolgirls,” 

“Sam…” 

“It’s just because we like you,” he insisted with a wink. “Anyhow, I’ve got a meeting to get to with Stark, looks like I’m keeping you ladies from something too.” 

“Coffee and a girl’s date,” Natasha confirmed, and Kayleigh prepared herself. She could see Sam’s mind working on another joke. 

“Natasha, didn’t you just hear she’s dating Steve again?” 

“Well if he can’t get his shit together no reason I should miss out,” Natasha teased right back, and Kayleigh started walking out the front door, unable to take the teasing anymore. 

“Bye Kayleigh! I’ll go get Cap off your couch for you after my meeting!” Sam called after her, laughing the entire time. Kayleigh raised her hand in a wave, not bothering to turn around and look at him, and moments later knew Natasha had caught back up to her. 

“You know he just likes to watch you get this worked up, right?” she asked, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“Yes… but I can’t help it,” was the mumbled response. They made their way five blocks down to Natasha’s favorite coffee shop, a little hole in the wall bistro that she claimed made the best coffee in all of New York. As long as it had caffeine in it Kayleigh was pretty much okay with anything. 

“This tastes like heaven,” she hummed into her large to go cup, and Natasha looked equally as pleased with her drink as they made their way to Central Park.   
“God you look like you needed this,” Natasha commented, and Kayleigh felt herself bristle slightly. She means in general, relax. 

“Yeah, I really did. It’s been a rough week,” she agreed, and took a sip as they waited for a crosswalk light to turn before continuing. “Bucky had the surgery to remove the implant, Steve came back all beat to hell…” 

“Sounds like a lot on your plate,” 

“It is. But it’s good, you know? I just sometimes forget to do the fun stuff like this in the meantime,” Kayleigh acknowledged, making Natasha chuckle into her drink as they quickly crossed the street and made their way into the park. 

“So, how is Barnes? Last time any of us saw him he was almost a zombie,” she asked, her voice perfectly nonchalant. Kayleigh was always amazed at how Natasha had control of herself at every single moment. 

“He’s doing good – Natasha it’s amazing. It’s like he went into the surgery only half of himself and woke up as the Bucky from 1940, but with most of his memories in tact. There’s the odd thing here or there that takes a few minutes to click, but… from how he was before? He can talk and laugh and likes to be around people,” Kayleigh soon was almost blushing at the way she could get so carried away talking about Bucky and his progress, and again tried to hide it by having more of her coffee. 

“That sounds interesting,” Natasha smiled, before giving her a knowing look. “Any reason why you get all embarrassed when you talk about him?” 

“I don’t know… I guess because it feels more personal than him being a client?” she suggested, hoping it sounded reasonable. Natasha thought on it for a moment, settling down onto the bench they usually visited at – because it was a fairly quiet corner of the park – before looking at Kayleigh again. 

“I understand. You’ve basically been mothering him, right? Easy to start feeling more attached than if he were simply just the job,” 

“I… sort of. Not so much mothering him as just… he even said this morning that I’m kind of the only person he has right now. Steve’s scared to see him…” 

“So it’s just a lot on your shoulders. You’re his support system Kayleigh, that’s a large and detailed part of someone’s life,” Natasha insisted, before giving her a sharp look that let Kayleigh know she was about to get serious. 

“So if he’s doing so well, why does it look like someone tried to choke you this morning? Unless you and Rogers are doing more in bed than just sleeping now and things got a little… kinky?” the question was blunt and to the point, ended with a joke to try and help ease Kayleigh slightly, and had Kayleigh stuttering and red and flustered in an instant. In a state where it was more likely something would slip, and Kayleigh knew it was a damn good tactic for Natasha to use.

“I... no! Steve and I have never…” she let out a huff of a breath, trying to get her wits about her again. Of course Natasha had noticed. 

“He’d been doing so well. But this morning… I went to Bucky’s apartment and I couldn’t find him. Then he jumped at me and pinned me; he didn’t really hurt me that much, but he was lost. It was like he wasn’t himself. He was speaking in Russian and his eyes were kind of… empty. But I talked him down from it, and when he managed to snap out of it he panicked. Natasha he was so upset…” Kayleigh chewed on her lip again, before her friend poked her in the shoulder to remind her to stop.   
“So he doesn’t like that this happens to you?” 

“Of course he doesn’t Nat – he’s a good guy. It was like… like he disassociated so badly that he didn’t know who or where he was. And when he snapped out of it, it was like he didn’t remember it happening. He broke down Nat; between freaking out about hurting me and the fact that it happened when the programming was supposed to be gone…” another sip of coffee helped distract her from the moisture building up in her eyes as she desperately tried to push all the emotions down. 

“Jesus… that sounds like a mess,” Natasha grimaced, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“It is. And it’s never happened before, so we need to see if Bruce or Tony can see what’s causing it. To see if we can help him,” 

“And in the meantime what’s the plan?” Natasha asked, turning to face her fully. “You can’t just keep going in there hoping you’ll get the good Bucky.” 

Kayleigh blinked, before realizing that kind of was her plan. Maybe it was an isolated incident and it would never happen again, she had no idea. 

“Well,” 

“God Kayleigh Steve is going to be livid; that’s straight up dangerous and you know it,” Nat rolled her eyes before leaning back and staring, watching Kayleigh for any tells on what was going through her head. She and Natasha had been friends long enough to recognize what each other was doing. 

“Nat, it could be isolated—”

“And it might not. You are not capable of protecting yourself from him,” 

“I won’t have to! Bucky doesn’t want to hurt me,” Kayleigh insisted, but Natasha’s brow furrowed and her eyes narrowed a bit. 

“Can I ask a really, brutally honest question?” 

Kayleigh nodded, unsure as to what might have managed to get Nat off of the topic of Bucky. She had been adamant about it a moment ago, and now Kayleigh had a bad feeling in her stomach. 

“Are you and Steve back together because Bucky means a lot to you and it freaks you out?” 

The breath was ripped from Kayleigh’s lungs as she stared open-mouthed at her friend. It was the most ridiculous thing she’d never even expected to hear come from the redhead’s mouth. It astonished her, to be perfectly honest. 

But just the tiniest part of herself was afraid and wondering the same thing.

“Nat… how could you…?” 

“I know, I know – hear me out?” she started, before making herself comfortable and taking a long swig of coffee, as if she was preparing herself. 

“You and Steve love each other – you do, we all know it. We all see it. But you guys never work out, and after last time you both swore off trying to date again. But then Bucky comes back into the picture. Maybe Steve is feeling a little insecure, because now his old best friend is back but not really and his new best friend – you – is completely invested in the old best friend. Cue a mission that goes so wrong we almost lost him, and now he’s scared to death he’s going to lose you one way or another and he’ll have no one. You know what I mean? And of course, being in vulnerable spots – Steve from the mission and you from seeing Steve like that and all the stuff going on with Barnes – you both go back to the one comforting thing you know. Each other. Good, bad, right or wrong, that’s what you guys do. And of course, being with Steve means you ‘don’t’ have any feelings for Bucky beyond his recovery and a sense of friendship. Any of this hitting a mark?” she asked, and Kayleigh opened and closed her mouth twice before realizing she didn’t have any words. 

“Kay… you have to talk to me… you’re kind of freaking me out,” Natasha was giving her a concerned look now while Kayleigh still tried to wrap her head around what her friend had just said. 

“I just… can’t even…” 

She didn’t have feelings for Bucky. Kayleigh just didn’t. Sure he was sweet and handsome, but he was a friend – nothing more. She was his support system, and his mentor getting back into the swing of things on top of being his therapist. It was just the fact she’d become so emotionally invested in his recovery so quickly that had her feeling so attached, she was sure. 

And Steve… God she did love Steve. With all of her heart, but she knew she wasn’t in love with him. She knew that things would have to drastically change somehow from the previous times they had tried to be together for it to actually work. But her heart was insisting that it didn’t mean that it couldn’t change and wouldn’t work this time around. Losing Steve was impossible to imagine, in any sense of the word. But were they just going back to each other because it was comfortable? 

“Kayleigh, breathe with me, come on – let’s get back to the present,” Natasha’s voice soon cut in over her own inner dialogue, and Kayleigh chanced a look at her friend. Natasha was genuinely worried, because she let her expression slip. 

“I just… talk about throwing a grenade in my head and locking the door,” she joked, and watched relief spread over Natasha’s features. 

“God I was scared I made your brain explode or something,” she let out a breath before taking a sip of her drink, her eyes doing a quick scan of their surroundings, most likely out of habit. 

“Almost,” Kayleigh allowed. “But… I don’t think I have feelings for Bucky, not like that. I think it’s just hard because I get so emotionally invested, especially with trying to help him get better, you know? And as for Steve… You know I love him. More than anyone, and I want us to work. I think… I think this time it might be different. He wants it as much as I do Nat; maybe we can do it.” 

“I’m just saying this to be honest; but I think you’re full of shit,” Natasha grinned at her, and Kayleigh groaned before tipping back the rest of her coffee, which was already cooled off considerably. They should have got something a hell of a lot stronger if they were going to have this conversation.

“And why is that?” 

“Because you did this same thing when you and Steve had a bit of a crush on each other, in the beginning. Remember? Denied it, said you just got emotionally invested in things really easy, especially with the situation. I think you like Barnes, and I know you love Steve. And I think to combat the insecurities you’re feeling you’re giving Steve the chance he wants because now he’s afraid of dying and being alone after the mission,” again, it was like Nat socked her one to the stomach. She loved the honesty that Natasha always gave her in conversations like this, but when you didn’t want to hear what she was saying it got really difficult.   
“I don’t like Bucky like that,” she argued, but Nat raised an eyebrow. 

“So you’re saying he’s sweet,” 

“Yes,” 

“And he’s smart,” 

“Very much so,” Kayleigh nodded, wishing Natasha wasn’t making this more painful than it had to be. 

“And he’s attractive,” 

“Jesus Nat,” she groaned, but the other woman wasn’t giving up. 

“I’ve seen him, Kayleigh. He’s a fine looking boy, even if he’s almost a _century_ old,” she teased, making Kayleigh roll her eyes. She couldn’t deny that she’d noticed the attractive features Bucky owned, but that was simply noticing them, not being attracted to them. There was a difference.

“Sure, he’s good looking,” she caved, and Natasha nodded. 

“And he obviously cares about you, aside from the whole trying to kill you part,” she pointed out, and Kayleigh face-palmed. 

“Nat that wasn’t really him…” 

“When you slept on the couch he’d sleep on the floor in front of you to guard you?” she asked, and Kayleigh nodded slowly. She’d never said that to anybody. 

“How did you…?” 

“I knew the Winter Soldier for a very short while. He likes you, Kayleigh – a soldier willing to put himself between you and whatever’s out there isn’t doing it for no reason,” she informed the blonde, who stared at the ground in front of her. Kayleigh’s mind flitted over a few things Bucky had said, her cheeks heating up as she did so.   
Bucky had told her he’d done something wrong the first night he’d stayed at her apartment. That he’d curled up in bed with her after his night terror and liked it. And his comments this morning about her and Steve had seemed just a little off too. 

“You don’t think he does, does he?” Kayleigh asked, and Natasha sighed. 

“He’d be dense not to. Look at you; if you can snag the World’s most Eligible Bachelor in Captain America of course Barnes is going to like you,” she rolled her eyes, making Kayleigh laugh out loud. 

“You’re a piece of work sometimes Romanoff,” 

“It’s why you like spending time with me,” Natasha joked back, before getting serious again. “But really, I think he does.” 

“He made a comment this morning…” Kayleigh mumbled, feeling embarrassed for even bringing it up. “It just… he didn’t say anything too out there but it was just the way he said it…” 

“That you could tell he maybe had something else going on under the surface but was trying to say the right thing?” she supplied, and Kayleigh nodded. Thank God Nat was so observant some times. 

“Exactly,” 

“Well then I think I’m right. Now it’s up to you and Steve to figure yourselves out, and then you figure out what to do about Barnes,” 

Kayleigh’s face was red again, making Natasha laugh. 

“I don’t like Bucky that way,” she reiterated, but realized she sounded more like a pouting child than an adult denying a false fact.   
“If you say so Kay,” Natasha put her hands up in surrender, making her friend roll her eyes at her. 

“For your sake? I hope being with Steve this time will clear things up. Whether you guys can know for a fact it’s never gonna work or it does all work out and we get to say ‘I told you so’ for the rest of your lives,” Natasha said as they stood to finally make their way back to Stark tower. 

“Thanks Nat… I kind of do too. I mean, it’s just difficult knowing you want something to work but it never really seems to,” she sighed, and the redhead put her arm around Kayleigh’s shoulders as they walked. 

“I’m so glad I’m not in your shoes… especially to see how angry Rogers is gonna be when he see’s your neck,” 

“Ugh I forgot about that…” Kayleigh groaned, already picturing Steve freaking out at her. 

“Come on, I’ll see if Dr. Cho can pull a favor for us and see if we can fix that,” Natasha grinned, and Kayleigh was insanely grateful as they crossed the last sidewalk on their way back to the tower. 

“Did I ever tell you you’re the greatest?” she quipped, making Natasha laugh out loud as they got to the doors. 

“Not nearly enough,” she smirked, before they went inside.


	36. Chapter 36

It was like a little slice of personal heaven; Steve had been granted recovery leave and so was under no obligation to go back out on a mission for at least a week. Partially to recover physically, more likely than not to get his head back on straight after the fact he’d admitted how close he’d thought he was to death. He spent the entirety of his days with Kayleigh; curled up on the couch, taking a walk through central park, making dinner, and watching movies before they fell asleep. It felt like a relationship, a real one that Steve was fully invested in. It felt more right than their previous few attempts had. Like this time they could do it.

The only thing nagging at her was that she felt like she was abandoning Bucky. The day after Steve had returned she hadn’t even had the chance to go and see him; she and Steve had slept in until almost noon, and then she had accompanied him to Dr. Cho for a physical and evaluation to determine how much leave he would need. Then she was also asked to do a session with Nat, Thor, Clint and Tony to make sure that everybody was in an okay state of mind after what had taken place. By the time that had been finished she’d returned to her apartment mentally exhausted, met with Steve making spaghetti that she’d hardly had a chance to enjoy before she fell asleep with her head on his shoulder. 

Then the incident had happened. That had put a rift between them that Kayleigh was still working on patching up. She’d flinched from him, which had killed Bucky, and then they had seemed to get at each other’s throats a little bit. Maybe it was from spending so much time together – everybody needed separation once in a while, or so Steve said. But he and Bucky had never needed it, from what she gathered of their friendship back in the day. 

Thankfully though, Dr. Cho had managed to hide away the worst of the bruise from Bucky’s incident, and while Kayleigh had felt absolutely god-awful lying to him, she told him that she’d managed to clothesline herself and had gotten the small bruise that had remained. Steve had laughed, playfully chastising her for not being more careful before pressing a soft kiss to the offending skin. It hadn’t however, helped the small knot in the bottom of her stomach left from her conversation with Natasha. 

Day five of Steve all but living out of her apartment was a difficult one. Kayleigh’s parents had decided to show up out of nowhere without a heads up, and it wasn’t until she received a phone call from Tony that she even knew they were in New York. They’d shown up at the front door of the tower. 

“Oh. My. God.” She groaned as soon as she disconnected the phone call. She’d instructed Tony to tell her parents she was in a session and would be forty-five minutes, and pleaded with him to keep them busy so she could clean up the apartment and perhaps avoid them freaking out over Steve.

“Kay? What’s wrong?” the soldier in question asked as he walked out of her bathroom, hair still damp from his shower wearing only a pair of sweats. The look she gave him was probably enough to explain, and she got up from the couch to give him a quick hug. 

“My parents decided to make a surprise appearance… Tony is distracting them downstairs,” she explained, and his eyes widened for a moment before he nodded.   
“I see… well, I’ll help you clean up… then do you want me to vacate or…?” he asked, and Kayleigh bit her lip. Her conversation with Nat had been continued every time she saw the redhead for more than five minutes, but things had been going so well with Steve. 

“That can be up to you. My parents are a lot, just warning you,” she said, and watched him light up a bit. 

“So… you want me to meet your parents?” 

“Yes, Steve. I would like you to meet my parents. You may have to distract them for a few hours while I go see Bucky this afternoon, or you can let that task fall to Nat,” she teased, and he rolled his eyes before kissing her forehead. 

“We’ll see how this goes, okay?” he grinned, before they made quick work of cleaning up the kitchen and straightening up the living room. Aside from some of Kayleigh’s appointments with clients and to go and see Bucky they’d been pretty much camped out, and the apartment showed it. 

“I’ll go and get regular clothes,” Steve told her as he came out of her room with a t-shirt on. “Don’t want to meet your parents in sweats.” 

“I’m sure they won’t mind. You’re a living, breathing man who has a job – that will make them happy. I’m sure they think I’m going to die an old maid,” Kayleigh rolled her eyes, making Steve laugh as he pulled her in by the waist for another soft kiss. 

“I still want to make a good impression,” he whispered against her lips, before pecking them again and giving her a wink on his way out. She changed into a nice top and a pair of jeans, brushing out her hair quickly before heading to the elevator to go and see them. 

“Kayleigh!” 

“Hey kiddo!” 

As soon as she’d entered Stark’s main floor office – which was hardly used, if they were honest – her parents bombarded her with hugs and exclamations while Tony watched from his seat on the corner of his desk. There was only a small bit of smugness in his grin, but she knew in some ways it still ate at him. His parents had died far too soon. 

“Hey guys – I didn’t know you were coming out to visit,” she finally managed to speak up, and her father gave her mother a playfully accusing look. 

“You know your mother – once Jane gets an idea in her head…” 

“Oh darling we haven’t seen you in almost three months! Of course we had to come visit! You know we’d move out here if we could,” her mother immediately was rambling, and Kayleigh let out a bit of a choked laugh. Her parents would move into her apartment if she would let them. 

“Sorry you guys had to wait – if I had known you were coming I could have moved some appointments around,” she apologized, to which they both immediately waved it off. 

“Thanks for keeping them company Tony,” his smile let Kayleigh know that he understood just how grateful she was, and he nodded. 

“Anytime Kayleigh. I hope you guys have a good weekend. If you need anything, just give me a shout,” he winked at her before excusing himself from his office, phone out as he texted away. 

“Well come on; let’s go up to my place and get you guys all settled,” she picked up the suitcase her mother had set down, and her father shouldered the other bag before they made their way down the hall and into the elevator. She managed to keep them content with some basic chatter about how work had been. Kayleigh glossed over her work with Bucky, not mentioning who he was, just saying that she was helping rehabilitate someone and that it was going well. Her parents always liked to push, but it got tedious to remind them that patient confidentiality was a big thing in her job. All she was allowed to say was that she was working with someone on their recovery. 

When they reached her floor Kayleigh began to get nervous. Would Steve be in her apartment? Would he stop by in an hour or two to let them get settled in? Would he bow out of meeting them because he’d heard from Kayleigh several times how much of a handful they could be? 

“Here we go,” she opened the door and immediately Steve was there to take the suitcases from both her and her father. He looked sharp; impeccably dressed to be casual in a crisp pair of dark wash jeans and a navy blue marled knit sweater. Actually, it looked like the one she’d given him for Christmas, which made her cheeks heat up.

“Goodness,” her parents had been taken by surprise and were staring at Steve unabashedly, making Kayleigh even more embarrassed. They were never rendered speechless. 

“Oh, sorry, I guess I should introduce myself; Steve Rogers. It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Stone,” as soon as the bags were around the corner he was back, ever the gentleman and introducing himself when he realized Kayleigh was going to take a second. 

“Pleasure’s all ours, Captain Rogers,” her father immediately took his hand and shook it, while Kayleigh saw her mother nearly swooned. “Harvey Stone, and this is my wife Jane.” 

“Pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” he gave Kayleigh’s mother a gentle hug, only blushing slightly when she pecked him on the cheek. That was yet another thing she should have warned Steve about but hadn’t had the time to.

“Kayleigh, you didn’t mention anything about _Captain_ Rogers,” her mother scolded her, making sure to draw out Steve’s title as she grinned. 

“Well, it’s uh,” 

“We just decided to give things another try a week ago; we’re just taking things slow,” Steve cut in for her, and winked at her grateful smile. Kayleigh should have done this ages ago, she grinned to herself. Her parents were putty in Steve’s hands. 

“Oh I see,” her father nodded, as if it made all the sense in the world. “So, I take it you’ve had a few days of?” 

“Yeah. We got back from a mission in South America about a week ago that went south. We managed but it wasn’t pretty. I don’t know what I’d do without Kayleigh to help patch me up after trips like that,” he grinned, and her mother swooned again at the thought of the great Captain America running home to her daughter. Kayleigh knew that it would be all over her hometown the instant her parents returned. Probably even before, if she was being completely honest. 

“That’s our Kayleigh; always been the mothering type,” Jane insisted, and while Steve nodded with a smile Kayleigh was ready to sink six feet beneath the ground. Subtlety was not a trait her mother owned. 

“Mom, come on,” she sighed, before going to the fridge. “Anybody want a drink?” 

“Sweetheart, it’s only noon,” was Jane’s retort, but her father was already in the kitchen with her. 

“Sounds good to me,” 

“I’ve got Vodka, some whiskey, and a bottle of wine; you guys can take your pick,” she announced, pulling out glasses. 

 

“Whiskey? Since when do you drink whiskey?” her father teased, and Kayleigh grinned. 

“I don’t,” she quipped. 

“Uh, that would be mine,” Steve looked adorable blushing by the edge of her kitchen counter, as if the idea of him drinking liquor was somehow embarrassing. “I can’t feel it, but it feels nice to be able to join in once in a while.” 

“I’d imagine so,” Harvey nodded, before taking a quick look at the bottle. “Not a bad brand either. You’ve got good tastes, Captain.” 

“Well thank you sir,” Steve grinned, and Kayleigh pushed a drink into her mother’s hand before she could come out with a comment about their relationship. It was bound to happen, but Kayleigh wanted to postpone it as long as was possible. 

“So, uh, how’s Wisconsin? Ashland, right?” Steve asked, and soon had her parents telling him all about their jobs and whatever news had been running around the town coffee shop before they’d left. Steve was rapt, and appeared to be enjoying the small talk as Kayleigh mostly sat back and watched her parents interact with him. They loved him – which Kayleigh had had zero doubts about – but it really warmed her heart to see how much Steve seemed to enjoy them as well. 

“Uh, Kay?” Steve looked at her before his eyes flicked to the clock on the wall. “Doesn’t your appointment start in ten minutes?” 

Bucky, right. Good God she’d almost forgotten. 

“Thanks for reminding me – you sure you can handle these two for a couple of hours?” she asked, and while her parents laughed it off Kayleigh’s eyes stayed on Steve, who gave her an easy smile and a nod. 

“I’m sure it won’t be any problem,” he assured her, and got up to walk her to the door and the elevator. 

“Are you sure Steve? You really don’t have to—” she was cut off by a soft kiss, which caught her by surprise. 

“I’m more than happy to. I think they like me,” he grinned like it was a major life accomplishment, and she cupped his cheek before kissing the tip of his nose. 

“Of course they like you! You’re Steve Rogers, sweetest guy known to man and the humble gentleman every parent prays their daughter will bring home,” she teased him, making his face heat up before they shared another quick kiss. 

“I’ll text you and let you know how things with Bucky are going, okay? Then maybe we can all go out for dinner?” 

“That sounds great Kay. I’ll talk to you soon,” 

“And if they get too overwhelming please text me or Nat – she’s used to distracting them,” Kayleigh got the promise out of Steve before she hit the button for the elevator to come and take her to Bucky’s floor. Steve turned back to her apartment and let himself in, and Kayleigh could hear the conversation start up again before the door to her apartment closed and the elevator doors shut soon after. 

If only Steve could make it through an afternoon with her parents, Kayleigh thought. She might just have to marry him if he could manage that.


	37. Chapter 37

“Hey Bucky; sorry I’m late,” she called out once she opened the door, and was met with a ‘come on in’ from the brunette. He didn’t get up from his spot on the couch but shot her a half-hearted smile. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked, immediately slipping off her shoes and making her way to join him. A shrug was all the answer he seemed to want to give, but Kayleigh wasn’t having any of that. 

“Come on, what’s wrong?” her voice was soft as she ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back off of his face at the same time. Bucky let out a long breath, and then finally looked at her. 

“I think I woke up as… as not me again,” he finally admitted, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“Okay, do you know how long it lasted?” 

“About a half an hour,” he answered, and she nodded once again, before pulling him into a hug while still leaning over the back of the couch. 

“Did anything happen yesterday that bothered you?” 

“Not that I can think of,” he sighed, melting against her and into her arms as he snuggled up instinctively. Kayleigh felt her heart break a little bit for him as she pulled him as close as possible, knowing that being here by himself all morning after having this happen didn’t help. 

“And you snapped yourself out of it?” this question was soft, and after a few moments Bucky nodded. 

“I’m not quite sure how… but all of a sudden I was awake staring out the window in the middle of the living room. So I must have been… gone or him or whatever it is,” he recalled for her, and Kayleigh nodded before leaning her head against his for a moment. 

“If you snapped yourself out of it, that has to be good,” she decided, and Bucky looked up at her, questions in the blue-grey depths of his eyes. “Bruce is going to be here next week to do another MRI scan, and the surgeon is coming back to do a check up, so we can address all of it for you and check it out properly, okay?” 

“Okay, sounds good,” he nodded, and then finally relaxed properly and wrapped his arms around her as well. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” he asked, and after a moment of debate Kayleigh tried to suggest a TV show or two instead. She’d tried to be casual, but Bucky had caught on. 

“Got a big date tonight?” he tried to tease, but she noticed the way his smile didn’t reach all the way to his eyes. It was just because of what had happened this morning, she reasoned with herself. 

“My, uh, parents, decided to drop in today. Completely unannounced,” she answered, and Bucky’s eyes widened for a minute. 

“You don’t have to hang out with me – I know they live kind of far away and you don’t see them a lot,” immediately he was trying to push her away, but Kayleigh gave him a stern look and quieted him. 

“I’m more than happy to get a quick breather from them and come hang out with you. I just hope Steve can handle them and they don’t embarrass me too badly,” she admitted, and Bucky bristled for a moment before trying to cover it. 

“So, Steve’s meeting your parents?” he asked, and she nodded, swallowing for a moment before bringing a smile to her face. 

“Yeah; it was his idea actually. I gave him the option to avoid them for now, but he thought it would be good. They love him,” she added, and Bucky nodded, before he seemed to put the same smile on his face that she had. 

“That’s good, that’s great. But I mean, what parents wouldn’t love him?” he asked, and she managed a laugh before nodding. 

“Exactly. But the only thing is I don’t want to leave him with them for too long; so is it okay if we watch a couple episodes of a show instead of a full movie? He’s supposed to text me if they get too overwhelming,” of course Bucky agreed, whether or not that was what he actually thought, and Kayleigh felt a little disappointed by the fact that he appeared to be just going along with whatever she said or wanted instead of telling her what he was thinking. She knew he was off, and was sure he could sense it too, but wasn’t making any effort to acknowledge it. 

They chatted about insignificant things while they watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory, which Bucky was currently obsessed with. Kayleigh managed to distract herself enough with it to actually laugh at the goofy jokes, and Bucky seemed to be desperately trying to do the same thing. 

“Can we talk, tomorrow? Like honestly talk? I know things were kind of off today…” she asked, and he nodded, letting out a long breath. 

“I’m sorry, I just have a lot going through my head I’m trying to sort out,” he apologized, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“So tomorrow? I can bring coffee?” she raised an eyebrow and Bucky let out a happy groan before giving her the first honest smile of the day. Coffee and donuts were his weaknesses, and she wasn’t proud of herself for it but she was going to exploit it anyway. 

“That would be amazing,” he agreed, and then pulled her in for a tight hug. Kayleigh returned it, glad to be on some kind of even ground with Bucky, before they both took a step back. 

“Have fun tonight; with your parents and Steve,” he told her, and she nodded before laughing. 

“I’m sure it’ll be tons of fun… my mom will be making all kinds of inappropriate comments and my dad will be trying to impress him and Steve will just be polite as possible the whole time,” she laughed, before realizing Bucky had that fake half-smile on his face again. 

“Sounds just terrible,” he rolled his eyes, before giving her a questioning look. “And what do you mean your mom will be making inappropriate comments?” 

“Oh, the usual for her; ‘It’s about time Kayleigh finds someone to settle down with’ and ‘oh when’s the wedding going to be’ and she’ll undoubtedly make a comment about grandkids… the usual beyond embarrassing stuff,” she said, and felt her face heat up even as she told Bucky about it. 

“They’re just trying to look out for you,” 

“And I understand and love them dearly for it… but Steve and I have only been back together for a week and that won’t stop them from making the comments. Sometimes they just don’t know how far is too far,” she explained, and then Bucky nodded. 

“I understand. Do you think it’ll bother Steve?” he asked, and Kayleigh thought on it for a moment. 

“Probably not; he seemed quite content to visit away with them for the afternoon,” she answered, and Bucky nodded. It only took a second, and then a pensive smile came to his face. 

“Steve always wanted that, you know,” he told her, but looked like he was staring through her instead of at her. 

“There was nothing he wanted more than to meet a nice girl and get married. Have a family, the whole thing,” Bucky chuckled to himself, before his eyes refocused and he was looking at her again. “And you’re a great girl. Introducing him to your parents is probably the most exciting thing he’s ever done.” 

“I… well, thanks, I think?” she chuckled, and Bucky just grinned before nodding. He put a hand on her shoulder and then gave her another hug. 

“It’s a compliment, Kay. There’s nothing that Steve wanted more was to be able to settle down and have all of that. When he was sick, he was scared he’d never get it. Then when he became the Captain, he was even more worried about it because then you don’t know who’s there for the right reasons. I’m glad he’s got you,” he gave her a grin that she returned. 

“Thanks Bucky. It means a lot to me. I can’t wait for him to have you back too,” she answered, and didn’t miss the look on his face before she left. He looked incredibly happy, and it made her smile as the door closed behind her. It made it far easier for her to look forward to dinner with her parents and Steve.


	38. Chapter 38

“This weekend was nice,” Steve grinned over at her from the passenger seat of her car. Her parents had only stayed the weekend, and she’d offered to drive them to the airport Monday morning. Steve had decided to come along, showing up at her apartment door at eight thirty sharp so they could go out for breakfast before dropping her parents off for their flight home. They’d hugged both her and Steve tightly several times before going to security, and had waved several times between saying goodbye and disappearing behind the gate. 

They’d gushed and gushed over Steve and how cute he was, how sweet, and how gentlemanly. He’d even taken Harvey out for a beer when the hockey game had been on and Kayleigh and her mom had rented some new rom-com movie on the TV to watch and drink wine. Which would have been absolutely lovely, if her mom could have talked about anything more than how lovely it would be to have Steve as a son-in-law and what adorable children he and Kayleigh would have. 

It was nice, and it was cute that her parents took to Steve so well, but it was a little much. It didn’t matter that she mentioned she and Steve only been dating again about a week; her mom was relentless about it. There was only so many times that you could say ‘yes, Steve is wonderful’ and ‘We’ve only been dating for a week’ and ‘I’m sure we would have nice looking kids but that’s a long ways away’ before a girl was frustrated and managed to sneak an extra glass of wine in. 

But they hadn’t been as overbearing to her as usual, because Steve was there to help take some of their attention. And he’d taken it like a champ, laughing at her dad’s terrible jokes and blushing adorably whenever her parents made a stupid comment about getting married or having kids. He fielded them with ease, and it had been easy to settle in for the weekend and with her parents and Steve around constantly. 

“Yeah, it was,” she agreed, smiling back at him, before his hand was on hers on the console and he slipped her palm in his. “Thanks for meeting my parents.” 

“Of course Kay. You know what, I had fun,” he told her, giving her palm another squeeze. “Your parents are a little kooky, like you said, but they’re great. They really love you.” 

“If only they would get off the Kay needs to get married train,” she grumbled to herself, but Steve still heard her and laughed. He brought her hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to her knuckles. 

“They mean well, you know that,” 

“Yes I do, but it’s a little rough,” she reminded him, and he nodded again, before chuckling to himself and looking out the window. 

“At least they know you can get there. My mom was resigned to the fact she’d never get to see me have all of that when I was about ten years old. I got really sick that winter… the asthma acting up and the pneumonia got even worse. We didn’t think I was gonna make it. Mom even had the priest come in to read me my rites. At least your parents know they’re going to get to see you grow up and have a family and make something of yourself. They’re proud of you, even if they like to tease you about having kids,” he told her, and she felt her heart go out to him. She knew he’d been in less than great shape as a kid, but to hear that his mother had to worry about him not even making it to adulthood was difficult. 

“I can’t imagine Steve,” she whispered as she pulled into her parking spot. 

“It’s how things were,” he shrugged. “But I was starting to get better before she passed. She knew, I think, that I was going to make it. But who wants to date the sickly guy, let alone marry him? Like I told Bucky back in the day; no girl wants to dance with a guy she might step on.” 

“I’m sure that wasn’t true,” Kayleigh argued as she turned off the car and got out. Steve laughed, before wrapping his arm casually around her shoulders as they walked back toward the entrance of the tower. 

“It was! I’ll have to show you pictures,” 

“So nobody would even give you a chance?” Kayleigh asked, and he shook his head. He’d long since moved past the things that had happened to him pre-serum, but her shock at it was new. 

“Not really,” 

“Then you must have been after the wrong girls, Captain,” she teased with a smile, leaning her head against his shoulder for a moment as they walked. 

“Is that so? So you’re telling me that if a scrawny, sickly little five foot two version of me came up to you at a bar and asked you to dance you would?” he asked, and Kayleigh looked him straight in the eyes. 

“Of course I would. Not like anybody can help his height. Besides, it’s what’s on the inside the counts,” she told him, and he leaned in for a kiss before opening the door to the main floor. Things were fairly quiet, and they both nodded to the receptionist as they made their way back toward the elevator.

“You are too good for this earth, you know that?” he asked, making her blush as they stepped into the elevator and he pressed the button for the door to close. 

“I think you’re way overstating,” 

“No, I mean it,” Steve smiled, and kissed her again, before leaning his chin against the top of her head. They stood like that going up to Steve’s floor, already having had made the decision to relax and maybe go soak in the hot tub up in the recreation floor after watching television and making some lunch. Steve had most of the corridor to himself; his personal gym to the left of his apartment creating a lot of space between him and whatever else was on the floor. As per usual he opened the door for her and let her through, but when Kayleigh went to make her way to the kitchen she instead had Steve’s hands on her hips, turning her back around.

“Here, I got it,” Steve pressed a kiss to her lips, and deepened it after a moment, surprising her. 

“What’s gotten into you?” she asked, and he smiled against her lips, wrapping her up tightly in his arms. Kayleigh melted against him, glad to finally have Steve to herself for a few moments. Bucky had insisted he was fine today, knowing her parents were leaving and that she needed some time with Steve. Kayleigh had argued, saying that it wasn’t fair to Bucky, but he was trying to put his foot down. He would be fine, he told her; he still had a couple of books to read and there were a few new movies on Netflix that he wanted to watch. Kayleigh still had plans to go and visit him before dinner and to maybe get takeout for him to change things up and to apologize for not having seen as much of him the past few days. 

“Just nice to have some time with you to myself,” he told her, and kissed her once again before making his way to his kitchen. Kayleigh was content to sit on the couch and watch as he puttered around his kitchen and made them Panini’s for lunch. 

They curled around each other while they ate, before deciding that a soak in the hot tub would be great. Steve was looking at possibly returning to active duty by the end of the week, and Kayleigh just wanted time with him where he could relax and not worry about anything. 

A quick stop by Kayleigh’s apartment on the way up – she only lived a floor above Steve – had her in a swim suit, a tote bag with towels and a change of clothes for both of them in hand. They were chatting away about the hockey game – Steve had started watching again, even though baseball was definitely his sport of choice – and they were startled when they went to open the door to the recreation area and it opened for them. 

“Hey there love birds,” Clint smirked at them, and while Kayleigh had jumped, she rolled her eyes before giving him a hug. 

“Hey there pain in the ass,” she teased back, and Clint attempted to look hurt for all of two seconds before nodding to Steve and giving his hand a quick shake in greeting. 

“That’s not nice, Kay. So, how’s things in paradise?” he asked as they walked in and set their stuff down. Steve quickly slipped off his T-shirt and sandals, and Kayleigh was pulling her hair up as she raised an eyebrow at Clint. 

“My parents were out for the weekend,” she answered, and his eyes widened. 

“Did you throw Cap to the wolves?” 

“I offered, actually,” Steve grinned, and Clint nodded appreciatively. Clint had been happily married for a little over a decade, and while Kayleigh knew he’d been through all of it before, he still liked to impart his wisdom with a lot of teasing. He particularly liked giving Kayleigh and Steve advice, it seemed. 

“Well, not everyday you find a guy who will be the one to suggest meeting the parents. Hell when Laura suggested meeting her parents I almost ran for the hills,” he told her with a smirk, toweling off his hair. 

“And…?” 

“And her mom loves me and I shouldn’t have worried. But that’s not the point – it’s scary. Takes a strong relationship for that mess,” he finished, and slung his towel over his shoulders. “Well, I’m gonna head out – going back home for a few weeks. You guys stay out of trouble; especially you Stone.” 

“Always do,” she assured him, and made Clint laugh before he said goodbye one last time and was out the door. Steve was already halfway to the hot tub, so Kayleigh quickly slipped out of the cover up dress and went to join him. Natasha had bought her the ridiculous bikini, but then, of course, her other swimsuits had disappeared once the spy had realized Kayleigh hadn’t worn the bikini or even taken the tags off of it. It wasn’t that she didn’t like it – it was very cute, but it was just… a little revealing. 

Obviously Steve thought the same thing, if the blush on his face was anything to go by. That made Kayleigh embarrassed, tugging at the edges of the material as if it would magically make more of the suit to help cover up her skin. Steve noticed, and pulled her to him, kissing her softly as he took her hands and interlaced their fingers.

“You look beautiful; relax,” he mumbled, but she made a sound in her throat. 

“I feel exposed,” she admitted, and he laughed at her. His face was still pink, but at least he could look her in the eye now. 

“Well, you kind of are,” Steve allowed, but wrapped his arms around her. “But I’ve got you covered.” 

“Smooth, Rogers,” she grinned, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and kissing him.


	39. Chapter 39

“Hello?” Kayleigh cracked open the door to Bucky’s apartment and called out, giving him a moment to answer rather than just letting herself in. 

“Just a second!” she heard his voice echo through the space, sounding almost alarmed, and so paused, waiting until she got the okay from him to come in. It took a few minutes, but then she heard scrambling from within the apartment and then the door was flung wide open in front of her, Bucky tinged with pink, a pair of gym shorts on and an inside-out T-shirt had been haphazardly thrown on. 

“Sorry, I was just, uh, working out, and wasn’t dressed for company,” he stuttered out to her, pushing the hair back off of his face with one hand. It had been three days since she had seen him, thanks to both his and Steve’s insistence. Bucky wanted to prove to her that he could manage by himself, even though she maintained the opinion that he shouldn’t have to, and Steve had wanted to spend all of the time with her that he could before going back on active duty. But, as promised, she was now here with Chinese takeout in hand, and a small wrapped box that Bucky wasn’t expecting. 

“No problem – sorry that I couldn’t really let you know when I was going to get here,” she apologized, walking in with Bucky’s gesture. 

“So, how was seeing your parents?” he asked, as if he was desperate to find any kind of conversation to distract her from something. Kayleigh pushed it out of her mind, knowing that if it was something Bucky felt she should know he would have told her about it. 

“It was good, actually. They were unbelievably embarrassing but Steve seemed to take it all in stride,” she told him with a smile, setting down the takeout bag as well as the giftwrapped box, careful to keep it out of Bucky’s line of vision. She wanted to surprise him, and draped her sweater over it to conceal it. 

“Yeah? I figured so,” he nodded, still showing nervous signs. 

“I’m glad you decided to throw on a shirt for company… but Buck it’s on inside out and backwards,” Kayleigh suppressed her giggle but flicked the tag sticking out on his chest. Bucky went all kinds of bright red before slipping the T-shirt off and righting it before putting it back on again. He was starting to regain his physicality, and Kayleigh could see the difference in his muscles even from the few seconds they’d been revealed. 

“God I’m sorry,” 

“Bucky – relax. Is everything okay?” she asked. Bucky froze, before he was stammering and rambling about things that didn’t make sense. 

“I, yeah, I’m fine – I mean why wouldn’t everything be okay?” he finally asked, and Kayleigh raised an eyebrow at him.

“Just wondering… you’re acting weird,” she stated, and Bucky closed his eyes and let his head hang for a second before looking at her again. 

“Just… forget it? Please?” he begged. Kayleigh nodded, happy to do as he asked of her. 

“So, I brought supper for you,” with a quick movement she was pulling takeout containers from the plastic bag, Bucky’s eyes watching her every movement. “I figured we should celebrate.” 

“Celebrate? Celebrate what?” 

“A lot of things. First of all, I survived my parents – and so did Steve. Second of all, you’re doing amazing. Third of all, tomorrow, my friend, is your birthday,” Kayleigh grinned, and saw Bucky’s jaw drop. 

“I… my birthday?” 

“Yeah, your birthday. I hope you don’t mind… I asked Steve so I knew for sure when it was,” the blush was there, but it was slight, and Bucky was so busy being flabbergasted he didn’t notice. That Kayleigh was thankful for. 

“But I… I can hardly remember the last time I celebrated my birthday… the last one I can remember… we were out on the front…” he told her, and Kayleigh wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulling him in. 

“Well, happy birthday James Barnes,” she whispered, and Bucky squeezed her back for all her was worth. 

“I… how old am I?” he asked, making her laugh as she pulled away to look at him. He didn’t let go of her though, so she stayed standing in his arms as she took in his features. 

“Well, do you want the hard truth?” 

“Sure, lay it on me,” he smirked, and Kayleigh chuckled at him as she pushed some of his long, unruly hair out of his face. It was long enough she could tuck it behind his ears, and some strange part of her wanted to see if she could put it in a ponytail. Not that Bucky would ever let her do something that ridiculous, but she still wondered on occasion.

“You’re 99 years old,” she told him, and Bucky looked like he would faint. 

“Ninety… Good God,” he let out a small gasp. “I mean I knew I was gonna be old, but ninety nine?” 

“Hey – it could be worse,” Bucky’s eyebrows rose up at Kayleigh’s remark, and she shrugged. 

“At least you don’t look ninety nine,” she grinned, and he scoffed at her before letting her go. 

“You’re a wise-ass,” 

“That’s okay; you still put up with me,” she shot him a hundred-watt smile that had him laughing again before he began poking around the takeout containers. Bucky must have been hungry, because it was all he could do to keep from opening everything and digging in right then. 

“Okay; you want to grab some plates?” 

Once their plates were dished up – Bucky’s heaping with a bit of everything Kayleigh had brought – they made their way to the living room to eat and catch up. Bucky was always a little embarrassed at the fact that he never had a whole lot to update her with, but Kayleigh always shrugged it off. She liked hearing about the things he pondered or discovered, no matter how small they were. He had such an interesting perspective on things; a man from the forties who had been acclimated to modern times but hadn’t even known it. He was so like Steve but so different at the same time. 

“Do you want to finish this off?” she held out the container of sweet and sour chicken, and with a nod Bucky took it, not bothering to empty it onto his plate, but simply eating from the container. It was a good thing she’d bought enough food for about four people instead of two; Bucky could eat just like Steve could. Kayleigh only wished she’d been able to bring him a case of beer or something – Steve told her he’d always liked doing things like that. But Tony had all but threatened her with not being able to see him for a while if she did such a thing. Kayleigh suspected he would be enough like Steve that the alcohol wouldn’t do anything to his system, but Tony refused to take the chance. 

“Thanks; this was great. The last time I ate Chinese my Ma had Steve and Sara over to celebrate his sixteenth birthday,” Bucky grinned, and Kayleigh lit up. She loved his stories about growing up with Steve. 

“Yeah? How was that?” 

“Well, we meant well enough. Ma told me to invite them over for dinner, because Sara was working a long shift at the hospital that day. Steve and I hung out – I took him to the amusement park and he puked like four times,” the smirk was fond, and Bucky’s stormy eyes were glassy as he got lost in the memory. 

“When we got back to his place his mom was just getting back from the hospital. I told her my Ma wanted them over for dinner so Sara didn’t have to worry about it. She was hesitant – always was, especially because she didn’t like to think people were giving her and Steve hand outs – but she agreed because Steve and I were best friends and the hospital had been a wreck. When we got to our place we realized mom had actually bought dinner – not made it like I thought. Mrs. Rogers was more than polite, but I could tell it had her on edge. I went to walk them home, and as soon as we were outside of the apartment building I apologized. Steve told me about how she felt with folks helping, and I said I didn’t realize mom was going to order in. But she thought of Steve like the brother I never had and just wanted to show him and his mom something special. She appreciated Steve keeping an eye on me. Sara got a little teary-eyed, thanked me and told me to thank my Ma, and then never said another word about it.” 

“That’s amazing; sounds like your Ma was quite the lady,” she grinned over at him as he cleaned out the container of Chow Mein noodles as well. 

“She was. She would have liked you,” he pointed his fork at her as he spoke, before blushing and dropping it into the container. He didn’t like pointing if he could avoid it. Habit of old manners, but on occasion he forgot himself.

“Really?” 

“Oh yeah. Strong, pretty young lady with a job she loves and she likes to help people? You say your parents like to tease you ‘bout getting married… My Ma would have drug me by the ear to a jewelry store to find you a ring as soon as she’d have met you,” he laughed, this one coming deep from his stomach as he thought about it. Kayleigh joined in, but felt the warmth on her skin – in a way she was secretly glad that Bucky thought enough of her to think his mother would have liked her. It was obvious he thought the world of the woman who had raised him and his sister essentially by herself. 

“Sounds like she would have gotten along with my mom,” she teased, and Bucky laughed before nodding. 

“We would have never stood a chance,” he shot her a bright smile, and she laughed before settling with her back against the couch from her seat on the floor. She let her shoulder bump against his knee where he sat on the couch, and Bucky mussed up her hair. 

“You woulda put a guy like me through the ringer, Kay,” he teased, and she laughed, before letting him continue. 

“Come on Kay; a pretty thing like you out at a dance hall with your friends on a Saturday night? I woulda been a goner for sure,” he joked at her, and Kayleigh shoved his leg softly, trying to get him to lay off, because she was blushing like mad again.

“Ha ha ha, Barnes; very funny. Steve’s told me stories about you and the attention you used to get; sounds like every girl in Brooklyn was after Bucky Barnes,” 

“Nah, he exaggerates. And that was the first thing I thought when I woke up – before I remembered you. That I would have been real nervous asking you to dance,” he insisted, making Kayleigh blush like mad and beyond happy he couldn’t see her face. She liked when he relaxed like this; when Bucky was completely at home he slipped back into the thicker Brooklyn accent and the mannerisms he’d had growing up. It was like listening to someone in an old film, in the best way, and it captivated Kayleigh to listen to him. 

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but I probably wouldn’t have been out at a dance hall – I have two left feet,” she admitted, and heard Bucky gasp, even though it was overdone on purpose.

“No; you’re kidding,” 

“Unfortunately not,” the expression on his face was enough to have her laughing again, and he shook his head in disbelief. 

“Well sometime I’ll have to teach you, okay? Does Steve know you can’t dance?” he asked, and Kayleigh thought about it for a moment. 

“You know, I’m not really sure,” she allowed, before shrugging. “It never really came up.” 

“Well, he’ll want to take you dancing. At least one of you should know what you’re doing,” the teasing glint was in his eye again, and Kayleigh let out a snort before getting up to take their plates and put them in the sink. She could wash them later. 

“I’ll hold you to that Barnes,” she called over her shoulder, and saw him grinning at her before she grabbed the package from under her sweater on his kitchen table. She hesitated for a moment, hoping Bucky wouldn’t think she was overstepping any boundaries, before she took a deep breath and began making her way back over to him with it behind her back. He eyed her suspiciously, before raising an eyebrow.

“Kay, what’re you…” 

“Happy Birthday Bucky,” she smiled and pressed the package into his hands, even though he was staring wide-eyed at it. 

“You shouldn’t…” 

“I wanted to. When’s the last time you got a birthday present?” she asked softly. He swallowed hard, and his hands shook slightly as he turned the package over to take it in. 

“I… the one before I shipped out,” he whispered, and then those expressive eyes were turned up toward Kayleigh again. 

“Well, then I’ve got a lot of birthdays to make up for… I hope this is a good start,” she gave him a soft smile and ran a hand through his hair, before he started to carefully unwrap the paper. He was methodical in it, carefully pulling the tape from the edges and unfolding it from the box. Kayleigh wasn’t sure why, but Bucky stopped partway through and explained himself. 

“I… sorry. You guys probably don’t save and reuse wrapping paper the way we used to,” he blushed, but Kayleigh shook her head and leaned over his shoulder.

“You open your present however you want to,” she informed him, and he gave her a thankful smile before continuing, with only slightly less care than before. Once the box had been revealed he simply sat there and stared for a moment, before raising his eyes and staring at her, then returning his attention to the gift seated in his lap.

“I… is this…?” 

“All yours,” she grinned as he opened the box that contained his new tablet eReader. He turned it over in his hands, like he was inspecting it, and Kayleigh smiled to herself. She’d taken it out of the box to charge it and load the hundred-dollar gift card onto the device for him so it was ready to use right off the bat. 

“This is… it’s too much Kay. You shouldn’t have,” 

“No, it’s not. Believe me,” she assured him, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders to rest her chin on top of his head while he turned it on and began looking through it. He reached up once to push some of his long hair out of his eyes, but otherwise was still quite enthralled by his gift.

“Still… I mean…” 

“Happy birthday Bucky,” she whispered, and pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head. He put the eReader down to put his hands on her forearms and held them, his real thumb stroking her skin. They didn’t need words, Kayleigh knew, as they stayed in the most comfortable silence; they had each other.


	40. Chapter 40

“He’s back out on a mission already?” Bucky asked once she was in the door and in his arms. Kayleigh had been trying her damnedest to keep it together after Steve told her he’d be shipping out to Wakanda Friday morning for a couple of weeks. She was sure it was too early, that he still wasn’t in the right headspace, but he wasn’t hearing any of it. Kayleigh had messaged Bucky as soon as Steve had left her apartment – using the free messenger app she’d installed on her phone and his eReader – and then headed up to his quarters, knowing Steve would be gone in briefing sessions all afternoon. 

“He leaves tomorrow morning. I’m scared, Bucky,” she admitted, voice wavering as she sniffed and fought as hard as she could to keep herself together. Thankfully Bucky more than understood, comforting her as best as he was able. It had been a little more than four weeks since the last mission, the one he had hardly come back from, and Kayleigh knew he was throwing himself back into being Captain America to try and ignore the things going on in his head. The signs were all there, the same as the very first time. Steve thought he was hiding them but Kayleigh still saw every single one of them and he’d denied it, repeating that he was fine and didn’t need any professional help. That this time was going to be different.

“I know Kay, I know. It’s too early, we both know it, but what can we do? You’ve given him your case, that’s kind of all you can do,” he assured her, and she nodded. 

“It just… it frustrates me. He could get himself killed going out there and not being ready,” she told him, brown eyes wide and red. She’d been nearly in tears for the entire day, and Bucky could tell. 

“I know Kay. It’s always hard to try and protect someone you love,” he murmured, before picking her up and carrying her to the couch. Kayleigh felt relatively safe in Bucky’s arms, like he could somehow keep all of her problems far enough away from her so that she could hold herself together. If only he could do the same for Steve, and somehow keep him here in New York and safe in the tower. Steve still refused to see Bucky, some weird mix of fear and shame keeping him away from his best friend even though Kayleigh had insisted and insisted that he come visit. That Bucky would be overjoyed to see his best friend again, but Steve always had an excuse. Most of them being that Bucky might not be in the right place to have Steve shoved at him yet, that it could be overwhelming and stressful and too painful to dump on Bucky right now.

“It’ll be okay, Steve will be okay,” 

“I just… god…” Kayleigh choked on her words, and Bucky simply nodded and was there for her as she struggled. 

“Shh… shh…” he held her tightly until her body was simply shaking with exhaustion rather than being wracked by the harsh sobs she was holding in. 

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass,” she apologized; even her voice was weak after the near breakdown. To Bucky it looked like somebody had reached inside of her and pulled her heart out; she was pale and distraught, and he hated to see her looking this beaten down.

“Don’t be sorry Kay; that’s what friends are for,” he reassured her, before pulling her gently against his chest once again. She let him do it, the strength of his chest beneath her cheek comforting, as were his arms wrapped tightly around her. Bucky reached out for the TV remote, his cybernetic arm glistening as it reflected the sunlight coming in from the window. It looked beautiful and dangerous all at the same time, and she focused on the movement between the small plates as he moved, noticing the small details for the first time. 

“Let’s watch a movie, yeah?” he asked, and she nodded, too tired to argue with anything. Bucky flipped on the first rom-com he came across on Netflix, and then wrapped his arms back around Kayleigh as she curled against him. He knew she didn’t want to talk about it at this point; she’d had her meltdown and now needed to let her brain relax and work over everything before she wanted to break it down with someone else. There was a slight sense of pride that he knew somebody well enough on a personal level to recognize it, because he hadn’t had that since he’d fallen off the train in the forties. 

Kayleigh dozed off twice during the movie, and Bucky watched her carefully when she did. He worried over her; that dealing with and knowing his troubles as well as those of everybody else would be too overwhelming for her. It was apparent she had coping skills and was able to differentiate work from home in most cases, but when you’re dealing with friends he knew it could get messy. She didn’t seem to be showing any signs of nightmares while she slept on his chest, but the sleep she did get was very light and a bit troubled, and she didn’t sleep for more than fifteen or twenty minutes at a time. 

“I… sorry did I fall asleep?” she woke up as the credits began to roll, and Bucky nodded before smoothing her hair away from her face. 

“It’s okay, the ending wasn’t that good,” he told her, and she gave him a small smile but sat up. Bucky stayed lying down for a moment, not sure what she wanted of him, before she hesitantly reached down and gave his arm a soft tug. Eagerly he sat up and wrapped himself around her once again, feeling her small form try to melt against his body. She fit perfectly against him, he thought, as he rubbed her shoulder and tucked her head beneath his chin. 

It ate away at him, his sense of duty toward Kayleigh as a friend and wanting to be there for her, with his sense of morals about how he should be acting around a taken woman. There was a miniature battle going on inside of him whenever something like this happened; he wanted to be someone she could be emotionally open with, but the more she was, the more he cared for her in ways he was afraid to. Bucky knew damn well that Steve would be head over heels for her; there was no way he had changed so much that Bucky wouldn’t know anything about him anymore. Overstepping the boundaries of a friend was something that would destroy him if he ever did it. But the lines with Kayleigh sometimes seemed blurred. Not that she ever gave him any ideas or acted inappropriately, but the fact that he seemed to know her on a totally different level than he’d ever known any other girl changed things. 

Beyond all of that, she made him feel things no other girl ever had. 

Sure, girls had maybe swooned a bit or worked for his attention, but that wasn’t the same. Kayleigh regarded him as an equal, and with the way he looked up to her that shocked him. She treated him with respect and kindness and when she listened to him talk she was _listening_ , and the way she fought for him, even if it was a small thing, meant the world to him. Kayleigh refused to give up on him. It made him want to fight harder to get his life back, for her. She let him feel human again for the first time in some seventy odd years.

“How you feeling?” his voice was soft and gentle as he spoke, and Kayleigh shrugged. 

“Exhausted,” she replied, and he nodded. That was easy enough to tell. 

“Want to lie down?” he asked, and felt her hesitate. Maybe that was crossing the line. It was something for him to end up in her bed with a night terror; it was an entirely different situation for her to sleep in his for any reason. 

“That might be good,” she agreed, and before she could do anything Bucky swept her up off of her feet and carried her into his bedroom. He’d kept it clean and tidy, thankfully, and so pulled back the covers and gently deposited her on the bed without being too self-conscious about the state of his space. 

“Thanks Bucky… I’m so sorry… I was hoping we could do something more exciting…” she apologized, but he shook it off. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he assured her, and then tucked her beneath the covers. He fussed a bit, making sure she was comfortable, before he got up to leave. It brought a tiny smile to her face for a moment, and he hid his grin. What his Ma would say if she could see him now, fussing over tucking somebody into bed like an old Nan. 

“I…” she started to speak, but Bucky heard her mouth close with a snap and saw her face was pink. 

“What?” 

“I’m sorry… it’s not…” 

“Just tell me, it’s okay,” he repeated, and could tell the embarrassment was killing her. 

“Would you stay? I’m sorry, I know it’s not really appropriate of me to ask, but—” 

“Of course I will,” he answered before he could stop himself, and then wondered if this wasn’t crossing the lines of appropriate with her. But she needed his support, and how many times had she done this for him? It didn’t mean anything, it was simply comforting her. 

The awkwardness they felt as he slowly and hesitantly laid on the bed beside her told him otherwise. He lay there self-consciously for a moment before he scooted closer to Kayleigh and then held his arm out for her to curl up against him. She did so, beneath the blankets that he was laying on top of, and after a few moments they both began to relax. He wasn’t in bed with her, Bucky reasoned with himself, it wasn’t that bad. 

“Thank you Bucky,” she mumbled, already slipping to sleep. He smiled to himself as he smoothed her hair gently, and pressed a whisper-soft kiss to her temple before making himself comfortable to try and catch a nap himself. 

His poor mother was probably rolling over in her grave, the thought of him in a bed with a girl who was taken. The thought of him in a bed with any girl who didn’t have his ring on her finger would have done it, but this especially. He grimaced to himself, sending up a small apology to where his Ma might be, hoping she’d understand. James B. Barnes wouldn’t make a move on a girl who was taken. 

Not even if he was afraid he might be falling in love with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of Bucky POV for you guys... I apologize because the chapter seems to start a bit confused whether it's Bucky or Kayleigh... tells you how with-the-program my brain is lately! :P Hope you guys enjoy the chapter!


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fun with Nat, because I'm sad we haven't had a little more of her. I am sometimes really awful at keeping so many characters as involved as they should be :S Hope you guys enjoy this!

“Nat… seriously? What is this?” Kayleigh groaned as she was being manhandled through the mall. Natasha had texted her, saying she needed help with something, and when Kayleigh got there and met her at the food court knew she’d been had. There was something else at work here, and Kayleigh was getting more nervous by the moment about what it was. Nat was acting suspiciously inconspicuous and charming, but Kayleigh saw a flash of something in those green eyes. 

“I just need some help, that’s all. We’re pretty close to the same size, are we not?” Natasha asked, and Kayleigh slowly nodded. 

“Close, I think. What’s that got to do with anything?” 

“I need to see how a few things look, so I’m enlisting my best friend in the whole wide world because she’s the greatest,” there it was, the buttering up. Natasha only ever pulled that move when something was not going to go Kayleigh’s way. She was wondering how quickly she could fake an emergency of some sort that would let her escape. Sam was hit or miss… sometimes he liked to help, but if he had any idea what Natasha was up to and agreed with it then he would only make it worse. Clint would be helpful… if he wasn’t home visiting his family. Tony would possibly help but he liked to tease her just as much. That would leave Steve to come save her and Natasha could rope him into things far too easily. 

“By the way, this is for you,” Natasha handed her a small envelope, and taking it as if it would bite, Kayleigh warily opened it. Letting Natasha blindly lead her along while doing so was her first mistake as she pulled out the black gift card and flipped it over to see the logo on the front.

“Oh god…” as soon as they were in front of the Victoria’s Secret store Kayleigh tried to make a break for it, the store logo matching the one on the gift card, but Natasha quickly gripped her forearm and drug her into the lingerie store. And not the PINK athletic stuff, the lingerie side with mannequins so underdressed that Kayleigh was blushing and Steve probably would have died of cardiac arrest. 

“What are we doing?” she demanded, and Natasha flashed her one hell of a smirk. 

“Proving a point. Come,” powerless, the blonde dropped her head and trailed along behind the redhead through the store. Natasha apparently didn’t need any real assistance from Kayleigh, as she made her way through the store, looking at things and going through the displays, and just as Kayleigh was considering texting an SOS to Steve, Natasha was pulling her toward the dressing rooms. Kayleigh was caught off guard when they were led to one of the big changing rooms. 

“Okay, put it on,” Natasha pushed a few articles at her and Kayleigh actually dropped her phone in surprise as she scrambled and fumbled. 

“I am not putting… this… on!” she hissed, waving around a lacy something or other that Natasha had put into her hands. 

“Yes you are. I’ll turn around, but you’ll put that on and then this and this, and then we’ll go from there,” Natasha was firm enough that Kayleigh could only let out a groan and rest her forehead against the side of the dressing room. 

“Why are we doing this?” 

“I’m not telling you until we find the right one,” was the only answer she could get. Natasha sat down on the bench and pointedly turned away and engrossed herself with her phone. Kayleigh stood there, hoping to out-wait the redhead. She knew it was useless, because Natasha could wait out the next ice age. After a while Kayleigh gave up, and did as Natasha asked, putting on the lingerie. Once on, Kayleigh stood there, arms wrapped around her middle and with a cough in her throat Natasha looked up. Those green eyes started moving over her, and while Natasha gave her an appreciative nod she eventually shook her head and dismissed it. 

“Okay, so we can leave now?” 

“Nope… this one,” she handed over some kind of lacy one-piece type thing, and Kayleigh groaned again. 

“Are you trying to kill me? Natasha I know you go to some hard lengths but this is pushing it,”

“If I was trying to kill Steve this is probably what I would do. Not you,” she teased back, and then went back to her phone to give Kayleigh some semblance of privacy, knowing if she left the dressing room Kayleigh would refuse to come out until she didn’t have to put anything on.

Kayleigh didn’t know what this was called, but if it wasn’t completely see through and whatever it would almost have been cute. She even braved a glance at herself in the mirror, the nearly transparent red covering her torso, edged in black lace and some matching red ribbon, but not concealing the black bottoms that went with it, and when Natasha turned to face her, the redhead’s eyes widened and she smirked. 

“Perfect. You look gorgeous, by the way,” with that Kayleigh huffed, face turning red as she wrapped her arms around herself once again. 

“That one. You can put your regular clothes back on,” Kayleigh immediately did as Natasha said, hardly even caring if her friend had fully turned away or not. The desperation to get back into some kind of comfort level was too strong, and soon she was back in her jeans, t-shirt and loose cardigan, giving Natasha an indignant stare. 

“Okay. Now let’s go buy that with your gift card, then maybe I’ll explain,” 

Acting like a petulant child Kayleigh did as she was instructed, and could hardly give the poor salesgirl a smile as the girl tried to make small talk and be friendly. Natasha stood off to the side, practically ignored by the other customers as she somehow managed to just blend into her surroundings. Once she had the bag in hand Kayleigh grabbed her by the crook of the elbow and hauled her out of the store and out of the mall. Natasha even had the courtesy to appear startled – Kayleigh had never seen her startled so could only assume she was pretending for her sake – before they got to the small park a block and a half down, before she rounded on her friend. If steam could have been coming out her ears it would have. 

“Explain. Now. I WILL sick Steve and Tony on you,” she demanded, and Natasha’s shoulders stooped slightly. 

“Please don’t hate me?” 

“Depends on what you have to say,” Kayleigh allowed, and Natasha sat down on a park bench, situating herself before giving Kayleigh pause to see if she would sit as well. Instead the blonde crossed her arms, so the redhead began speaking. 

“Look, remember our conversation a few weeks ago? About you and feelings and Steve and Bucky?” Natasha asked, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“Yeah, and…?” 

“And I know Steve met your parents and it went well. But you’ve been off since he left, and everybody knows it. Sam even asked if you were okay, which, I mean, it’s Sam, he’s not always observant about those sort of things. And I think I might know a way to help straighten you out,” Natasha shrugged, and Kayleigh’s face was on fire. 

“So you think Steve and I are somehow having problems that are unrelated to the fact he’s not okay yet and threw himself into a major mission and decided dragging me to Victoria’s Secret is somehow going to fix that? Nat, I hate to break it to you but you’ve gone Looney. Full blown, crazy bin Looney,” she burst, and the redhead shook her head, perfectly styled hair only moving slightly before falling back into place. 

“No, I’m not. So, since things have been going so well for you and Steve, I figured we’d get you this, so when he comes back you can surprise him,” Natasha’s smile only slightly resembled a smirk, but Kayleigh’s jaw dropped open before it snapped shut with an audible click, her mind racing too fast for her body to truly catch up to what her friend had said. 

She and Steve had never… who knew what shape he’d be in when he was back, anyway… how could she just assume…? He was the utter definition of gentleman and to be honest the thought of the two of them getting that intimate hadn’t even crossed either of their minds… why would it have crossed Natasha’s?

“What. The. Fuck?” she seethed out, and Natasha’s eyes widened. Kayleigh didn’t tend to use curse words that were _that_ expletive unless it was serious. Maybe she didn’t realize just how far this had crossed the line. 

“You and Steve… Kay you know I want the two of you together. You’re ridiculously adorable, practically the start of the Brady Bunch minus the bad hair and questionable clothes. Well Steve does have some questionable clothes but that is besides my point. Sorry,” she waved it off, Kayleigh shaking in front of her. “My point is, I think you guys already know how this will go. It always does, and I just don’t want to see the two of you hurt over and over again. So, the lingerie; don’t you think he’d like it? Or at least the gesture?” 

“Natasha we’ve never slept together. I don’t even know if Steve has slept with _anyone_ … why would you just assume something like this! It’s such a private thing and—”

“And I really think… I think if things were going well, if it were meant to work out you wouldn’t be so dismissing of the prospect. That while, yeah it’s private and you know I’m really sorry to push the lines so hard Kay, that while you’d be angry at me for forcing it there would be part of you ready to blush like a schoolgirl and be wondering what he’d think if he saw you in that. Just that. Because that’s how adult relationships eventually move, whether it’s a few months in or after marriage or whatever. But Kay… you aren’t even considering Steve ever seeing that, are you?” 

“No, I’m not. Because this whole idea is stupid and ridiculous and I’m really offended by it,” she growled through grit teeth, before turning on her heel and stomping away from her friend back toward the tower. She was all but seeing red, and nine times out of ten Kayleigh never got that worked up. Usually, she was able to call upon the skills she’d learned in University about handling emotions, able to compartmentalize and work through them so as not to have a huge emotional outburst where things could be said that she didn’t mean. This, this was not one of those times, so instead she removed herself from the situation so as not to come to the same end.

It was stupid. Why Natasha thought getting so involved in something so private and _intimate_ was beyond her. She understood that all of their friends were concerned, but to try and meddle into her and Steve’s… sex life, or lack thereof, was too far. She was ready to hit something or someone but knew she cared far too much about her redheaded friend to put her on the other end of those feelings. 

“Hey there gorgeous, what’re you…?” Sam’s question died on his lips as Kayleigh’s brown eyes locked on him, and she saw his eyebrows rise. Sam knew enough to be slightly afraid, even though he had something like five or six inches and a solid forty pounds on her. He liked to tease her that it was always the small, quiet ones that were the most deadly, and she’d always laughed and shook it off. Now he was looking like he was deathly afraid he’d been right.

“Don’t. Even. Start,” she warned him, and he lifted his hands in surrender to her, before his eyes moved to the bag in her hand. 

“You okay? I mean…?” he gestured blindly in her direction, not having the words, and Kayleigh stood there trying to make her enraged brain form words. Think with the frontal lobe; don’t get sucked into instinctive behavior, she repeated, trying to force herself to comply. 

“No, I’m not. Natasha went way too far and I am pissed off and angry and I don’t know how to deal with it,” she answered, and Sam nodded slowly. 

“Well… do you want to go to the gym? I make a good sparring partner,” he suggested, and Kayleigh puffed out her cheeks. She only ever went to the gym to do cardio and the tiny amount of weight and self-defense practice the rest of the Avengers team insisted on her knowing. 

“Maybe?” she was still growling her words, but some of the spite had left them and he noticed. 

“Twenty minutes, I’ll be there. I’ll just, uh, let you take your shopping to your place and get changed,” he mumbled awkwardly, and then Kayleigh realized with halting embarrassment that she was carrying around a Victoria’s Secret bag. Not that it was something to be ashamed of, but she usually chose to try and conceal those sort of things from the male members of the team that she was friends with. Just for the sake of it. 

“Thanks. And blame Natasha for this,” she waved the bag slightly before turning and continuing to stomp to the elevators and go up. She could feel Sam watching her, carefully trying to decide if he would need to push the issue or if he would recruit Pepper or Wanda instead, before the doors closed in front of her and she was spared from his careful, analyzing gaze. 

Once in her apartment she hollered and got out the worst of her frustrations to herself, even kicking a poor throw pillow that had been dropped on the floor across the room, before flinging the Victoria’s Secret bag into the back of her closet and then digging out her workout clothes. She’d be damned if Steve was going to see those things, or if they would see the light of day period, she grumbled as she pulled on her sneakers with force, nearly snapping a shoelace in the process. 

That would show Natasha for being snoopy; she grumped, and grabbed her water bottle before leaving the apartment and going to meet Sam to work off the remainder of her frustrations.


	42. Chapter 42

“Hey, wow... I wasn’t sure if you’d actually show up,” Sam joked the moment Kayleigh walked into the gym, dressed in shorts and a tank top, sneakers in hand and flip flops on her feet. All she could do was send him a bit of a glare before plopping down on the floor and going to put her socks and shoes on. Sam quirked an eyebrow at her, before leaning against the wall and crossing his arms, more than able to wait out the other therapist.

“Somethin’ really got your goat, huh?” he asked, and Kayleigh let out a strangled noise, refusing to look up. He chuckled, and saw her grip on her shoelaces tighten for a moment before she tried to shrug that away as well. 

“Pipsqueak, c’mon. What happened?” 

“Nat,” she muttered darkly, and Sam immediately wondered again if he was in maybe a little over his head. 

“Something to do with Barnes?” he asked, taking a crafted shot in the dark. He was pretty sure it wasn’t Kayleigh’s newest client, seeing as how Nat seemed to try and avoid anything that had to do with Barnes at nearly all costs. But, making it seem like something wasn’t so obvious was sometimes easier, and Sam understood that.   
“No. Well, yes, but not really. Round about-ly, I guess,” she finally allowed, looking up at him as she stood. He picked up the roll of tape, and Kayleigh walked over, holding her hand out to him much the same way a child would to have their mittens put on. This was how Sam knew things were bad, usually Kayleigh had her shit together. 

“Round about-ly how?” he asked, taping her left wrist up and inspecting his work before moving to her right, making sure to put an extra couple layers over her knuckles just in case. She tended to bruise like a damn peach. 

“Natasha’s all over me about me and Steve getting back together,” Kayleigh sighed, and he nodded, patting the top of her hand once she was taped up. His eyes followed her to the punching bag as he wrapped his own hands up, knowing she’d let it out in her own time. After a few half-hearted swings, she let out a bit of a growl and swung hard once. 

“Why all over you? Any ideas?” Sam prodded, and she raised an eyebrow and gave him a slightly condescending look. So that meant the same reasons everybody was happy yet concerned for the two of them this time around as well. Sam had hardly met Steve when he’d started seeing Kayleigh, but even for him the difference was noticeable. She’d helped Steve from a man who was living for the sake of staying alive to a man who had something to live for, and that was before they’d tried dating. He knew how vital they were to each other, but he was also a little wary about it as he walked over and held the bag for her. 

“Because she seems to think that Steve and I are making some kind of mistake getting back together,” 

“Mistake? Girl you know we’re all rooting for you two. I even have bets on first kids’ name,” he teased, making her laugh and shake her head, butting into him lightly with her shoulder before refocusing on her task. He liked reading where she was like this before getting into any kind of sparring with her.

“Thanks Sam. I just… she thinks it was just bad coincidences lined up and we’re running back to each other,” Kayleigh grimaced, and swung again. This one left a muffled ‘thud’ echoing through the gym and Sam nodded appreciatively. She’d been working on this stuff. Probably thanks to Steve’s insistence. 

“And what do you think about that?” 

“I… I don’t know…” she faltered slightly, before regaining her determined look. “But I don’t think she’s right. I love Steve, and I know that. He knows that. I think everybody knows that at this point.” 

“That’s true. And he’s head over heels for you two,” Sam agreed, and Kayleigh let out a snort of a laugh before turning to him. 

“But then she said that she thinks Bucky’s part of it, and that’s what has me so… angry, I guess,” 

“What part of it? C’mere, remember to keep your stance,” he led her to the mat, and gently checked her positioning before moving a few steps away and settling into his own. They ran what was essentially navy seal take-downs, but in slow motion and without any real impacts for most of their sparring and then Sam usually let her just work out any energy she had left. They’d only done this a few times but both enjoyed it. 

“She thinks that I like Bucky or something and since I’m scared or worried about that that I’m turning to Steve again. Which is bullshit, because I love Steve and always have and I’d never go to him just because I don’t want to like someone else,” she stubbornly explained, and Sam nodded, even though he’d heard something in Kayleigh’s voice. She was defensive. 

“Well, from an outside point of view, how would you view the relationship you have with Bucky?” he asked, and she stopped to think about it, accidentally letting Sam topple her over and pin her to the mat with ease. She laughed, relaxing for a moment before shoving playfully at him and hurrying back to her feet. This time her eyes tracked his movements, and she didn’t give him another easy opportunity.

“Friendly, I think? Maybe a little intense, but not… we aren’t romantic in any kind of way,” she answered, and he nodded. 

“Maybe – I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate here – maybe to her the intensity of your guys’ friendship looks like more? I mean, you have spent nights in his apartment, right?” 

“Yeah, on his _couch_ , Sam. There’s only been once or twice where the nightmares have been awful, and I mean goddamn awful, and he’s so afraid to sleep in case they come back. And I’m literally just there to try and console him and making him feel safe enough to try and get some sleep. It’s nothing beyond that,” she explained, and he nodded again. 

“Understandable. You’ve done that for Steve, and I’m sure you’d do that for me or Clint, if you had to, right?” 

“Of course,” she answered, and as she went in for a hold Sam picked out her error and called her on it, making her try it again properly. 

“So, understandable. Anything else contributing to it for her?”

“She thinks we know how this is going to end. That we’re just stringing each other along for the ride because we want the comfort of each other but that we’re doing it knowing we won’t work,” she quietly allowed, and Sam watched as her whole demeanor changed. 

“C’mere Pipsqueak,” he hauled her in for a hug, and felt her melt into him. Kayleigh liked being strong, thrived on being able to compartmentalize and help those around her, but Sam could see this was tearing her apart. 

“D’you think that’s what we’re doing, Sam?” she whispered, sounding deathly afraid of the answer he might have for her. 

“I think the two of you love each other a hell of a lot, more than most people ever love another person. And I think you both desperately want this to work. But I think you’re both very aware of how it’s always gone,” he slowly told her, not wanting to cause any more emotional damage. He’d have to talk to Natasha about her methods, because whatever had gone down between them and that Victoria’s Secret bag had worked Kayleigh up like he’d rarely ever seen in his time here in New York with the Avengers. “But you have to be aware of that fact. We can’t ever learn from mistakes if we ignore them, right?” 

“Right,” 

“So I think you need to analyze how you feel about Steve, what you guys are doing now that you didn’t before and whatever, and really it’s on the two of you. If you both work at it, I’m sure you guys can make it work. But the reasons it didn’t work before have to be acknowledged, and if there’s new reasons why you may not work – even if Nat’s somehow right and it’s because you were both scared and turned to each other because it’s comfortable, or if maybe you do like Barnes a little more than you think – that all has to be on the table too. Hard to do when he’s not here, I know, but I’ll say something to him when I get to Wakanda on Tuesday, okay?” 

“You’re going too?” Kayleigh gasped, pulling away from him, brown eyes welling up with tears. And shit, if she kept it up he was going to be sniffing too. 

“Damn girl don’t do that – no waterworks,” he told her, pulling her back tight against his chest and holding her. “I’m just going for extra backup. More of a ‘better safe than sorry’ kind of thing. I’ll talk to Steve, okay? You just focus on getting okay and helping Barnes.” 

“Thanks Sam. And you be careful,” she mumbled against his chest, making him smile as he patted her back before tackling her to the ground when he gauged she’d gotten a hold of herself. The burst of laughter from the small blonde he’d pinned told him he was right, and they were ready to do some real sparring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one was so short! Originally I hadn't actually _written_ Kayleigh and Sam's sparring session... but I don't have as much Sam in this story as I'd like either (shitty at including lots of characters... I'm aware of my weaknesses lol) so here you go! Thanks everybody for their wonderful comments and I hope you like it! It's just some filler to get to the next one :)


	43. Chapter 43

“You’re serious?” 

Bucky’s mouth was hanging open in surprise, but he didn’t care to shut it. Kayleigh had just given him some of the most exciting news she could have. She’d argued and argued and argued with Stark for the past three days since Steve had left, and finally he’d relented. Bucky was going to have access to the gym. It had to be completely supervised, but it was something. He could feel his muscles all but singing with the thought of going for a run. 

“Serious as a church choir,” Kayleigh grinned over at him from where she sat at his kitchen table. She’d brought coffee from a place called Starbucks for both of them, and now Bucky was almost too excited to sit and actually drink it, as amazing as it tasted. 

“So when can I go?” 

“Well, how about we go get you some new sneakers – those ones have been worn outside – and then I can take you?” she suggested, and Bucky nodded, hiding his grin behind his coffee cup. 

“Sounds awesome,” he replied, and Kayleigh’s smile was brilliant from her side of the table. Her hair was lightly curled today, something that Bucky rarely saw her do, but she’d had clients all morning so that must have had something to do with it, he surmised. 

“When do you want to go?” he asked her, and she quickly checked her phone. 

“We can go right now, if you want,” with another grin Bucky was up from the table and putting on his sneakers. Well, they were Steve’s technically, but they were the only shoes he had. With everything that had gone on the past few weeks shoe shopping hadn’t exactly been on a priority list. 

“Coat,” Kayleigh reminded him as she slipped into her own jacket. It didn’t seem to matter how many times he told her that he didn’t really feel the cold anymore, she was insistent. The back of his mind worried that it was because of his left arm. The logical side knew it was because she was a mothering person and probably couldn’t help herself. 

“Right, right,” he huffed playfully, hearing her giggle at him before they left the apartment. She had to inform the guards of what they were doing, and the man simply nodded and gave them a half-wave. Bucky returned it as he pressed the button for the elevator while Kayleigh caught up the five or six steps to stand beside him. 

“You excited?” 

“You have no idea,” he was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet, and Kayleigh’s grin was infectious. 

“I have some. I just want to warn you,” she started, stepping into the elevator and hitting the button for the parking garage. “The mall is going to be packed with people. I mean packed – think you’ll be okay?” 

Bucky thought on it for a few moments as the elevator began to descend, and that weird feeling came to his stomach due to the movement. He could handle people, he was sure, but he was also aware that somewhere in his brain was a part of him that was still soldier… could that him handle it? Could he be trusted to keep Kayleigh safe? 

“I hope so… do you have the thing?” he asked, and saw confusion all over Kayleigh’s face. 

She didn’t know that he knew about it, or that Dr. Banner had told him. One day she’d asked him to grab something from her tote bag and had came across the weird, metal glove looking thing. He’d shrugged it off, not wanting to be snooping through her things anyway. But after seeing Dr. Banner to do more MRI’s the last time he’d asked about it, seeing as there had been one in the lab as well. It took some coaxing – mostly because Banner was embarrassed about it – but he admitted it was essentially a stunning repulsor ray. Stark had created it for Kayleigh in case Bucky got out of hand, and both Stark and Steve made her carry it. It had hurt, a little bit, but Bucky was glad she could at least defend herself if it came down to it. Even though she’d never used it even when there were a few instances where she should have. 

“The thing?” she asked, stepping out as the elevator doors opened and she fished her keys out of her bag. 

“You know… the repulsor thing…” he said, and Kayleigh stopped dead in her tracks. 

“Y-you…” 

“I know. When you asked me to grab your phone out of your bag I saw it, and then there was one at the lab. Banner told me what it was,” he explained, and she gave him a sad look. 

“I’m sorry Bucky – Steve and Tony insisted… you know I’d never—” 

“Don’t say that – you might have to. If whatever happens to me happens you need to be safe and keep everyone else safe,” he told her, and while he saw Kayleigh was about to argue he wrapped an arm around her and gave her a soft squeeze. She needed to know he wasn’t mad or hurt that she’d had it with her. 

“Bucky you won’t…” 

“I’m not saying it’ll happen – I hope it doesn’t. But if it does… just be prepared, okay?” he asked, and finally she nodded as they came upon the row where her car was always parked. He knew he’d kind of upset her, but more than that Bucky knew it was important for her to be prepared and ready for the worst. Just in case. 

The view from the car window was different from the only one he knew driving with Kay – which was to the grocery store and the bakery – and he watched in wonder the sheer amount of people and traffic going by. It was insane. 

“Things sure got a lot busier than what I remember,” he mumbled to himself, and saw from the corner of his eye that Kayleigh had finally cracked a small smile. 

“There’s a lot more people here now than when you lived here,” she reminded him, and he nodded. 

“This is a mall?” he asked, and stared at the several stories-tall mass of a building that she was currently pulling into the underground parking for. He’d seen big department stores before; his Ma always walked them past the big Macy’s around Christmas when they were kids to see the displays, but this was something else. She nodded, before raising an eyebrow at him. 

“Sure is. You still okay?” 

“Yeah, I just… how do you find anything in here?” he asked, and she laughed as he looped his arm through hers. Partially to make sure he didn’t lose her, and also to make sure nobody would try to mess with her. If he was being totally honest, part of him liked the thought of him out and about with Kayleigh on his arm. 

“You learn,” she admitted, and with a chuckle she headed off to the left. They weaved through teenagers on cell phones and families out for the day with their kids; until she came up to a store and they went inside. There was a whole wall of shoes, and Bucky felt a little overwhelmed. Back in his day there wasn’t choices like this. 

“So I’m thinking… we maybe get you a pair of running shoes for the gym, and a pair of sneakers for out and about?” Kayleigh asked, and when she turned to look at him he could see she realized he was overwhelmed. 

“We’ll start with sneakers,” she smiled, taking his arm again and leading him toward a section of the shoe wall. It wasn’t so bad, when you broke it down. 

“Uh…” none of these looked like shoes he would have worn back in his day; they were all boxy, with cloth and suede and logos on them. Kayleigh giggled before shaking her head. 

“Right, sorry, I forgot. You probably would wear what we call dress shoes,” she said, as if reminding herself. “You don’t like any of these?” 

“They’re just… different,” he allowed, and then carefully took an all black shoe off of the wall. “These aren’t so bad.” 

“Do you want to try a pair on and see if they feel okay?” she asked, and he nodded. She soon found a sales associate and they used a weird metal plate to measure his foot before the young girl was off to find him a pair in the right size. Size ten and a half, she’d said. 

Once they were on they didn’t seem quite so strange; he’d seen Kayleigh wear shoes similar to this idea and when they’d been out to the grocery he saw a lot of people wearing them. But they just didn’t feel like him. 

“Not feeling it?” Kayleigh voiced what was going on in his head, and Bucky slipped it off of his foot before nodding. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, but it was waved off. 

“No problem. How about we find you a pair of shoes for the gym first? Start fresh?” she asked as he put his original shoes back on. They wandered to the far section, and while these were still odd and colorful at least he knew they just served the purpose of being on his feet while exercising. That he was familiar with, to an extent. 

“Do they fit?” he’d tried on two pairs and was already a little over the experience. People kept looking at him, which made him uneasy, but Kayleigh tried to tell him it was because of his long hair, not for any other reason. He was afraid he was putting her in danger. 

“Yeah these ones feel good,” he told her, and saw her smile as. 

“Good – we’ll get these then,” she told him, and soon they were up at the till, when Bucky felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. It wasn’t like he had money to pay for them. 

“Kayleigh you shouldn’t have to buy me things,” he sighed, and she turned to him with a stern look. 

“Don’t start with me Bucky,” she warned him. 

“But I mean, really,” 

“Actually, if it makes you feel better, I can write them off as part of your treatment and get some of the money back,” she responded, and he had to admit it did make him feel a little bit better. He hated the idea of being a freeloader. 

“It would make me feel better,” he told her, and as the employee handed her the bag containing his new shoes Kayleigh turned to him and linked her arm through his again. 

“Okay, okay, I will,” she rolled her eyes, and Bucky couldn’t help but grin over at her. 

“So… I have to grab something in here real quick… do you want to come in or are you okay to wait for a few minutes?” she asked, and after eyeing the store Bucky decided he could wait for a few minutes. It looked like a ladies clothing store, and Bucky didn’t have any place going into a shop like that. 

“Okay, I’ll be quick,” she reassured him, and soon had disappeared inside. He sat on the bench facing the entrance and people watched, trying to seem as small and invisible as he possibly could until she returned. Most people ignored him, a few gave him funny looks, but overall he was sure it went well. Kayleigh returned in under ten minutes, another bag in hand, and he stood when he saw her making her way toward him. 

“Thanks Bucky,” 

“Of course. What’s next?” he asked, holding out his arm to her once more. She smiled and took it, and he felt that warm feeling spreading through his chest again even as he tried to tamp it down. 

“Other shoes,” she informed him, and pulled him into a different store. There weren’t as many choices as the first one – which was good – but he got the feeling this was more expensive. 

They were handsome shoes though; the kind he was sure you could wear out to dinner with the Queen even, and then go dancing in. He couldn’t deny that seeing them made him feel a little more at home, because it was something he recognized. But he couldn’t expect Kayleigh to buy him these. These were the kinds of shoes he’d seen on lawyers and important people. They weren’t for guys like him, especially when he didn’t have any money.

“I can’t…” 

“You can. Bucky, just relax okay? You need shoes, and I can tell you like these far better than sneakers. Just try on a few pairs, see what you like?” she all but begged him, so with a sigh he obliged. 

With Bucky pressing for Kayleigh’s opinion they finally settled on a black pair that the sales associate had called ‘business casual’. They looked nice and dressy but not so overdone as to be out of place if he went with Kayleigh to the bakery or something. Even though he would look like some kind of dunce wearing them with sweats, he knew. He should have just kept it to himself and gotten the sneakers. 

“One last stop, if you think you’re up to it?” she asked, and Bucky nodded. He was exhausted; trying to keep from over analyzing and inspecting every person walking by was taking a toll on his brain. It was just trying to shut off the part of his brain that told him he needed to be on guard at every moment. Inspecting every instance for danger, or a tail. But he really liked being out and about outside of the apartment. And even more he liked being with Kay. 

They left the mall, but not by car. Instead they walked onto the bustling New York sidewalk, Kayleigh apparently knowing exactly where they were headed. They walked about two blocks, and when Bucky saw it he felt the grin spread across his face. He squeezed her hand tightly, and soon Kayleigh had wrapped an arm around his waist to hug him as they continued walking toward the bright red, white and blue pole at the end of the block. It was as if she’d read his mind. 

“How did you know…?” 

“Because you keep making a face when you push the hair out of the way and sometimes you grumble at it… I’m not saying you have to cut it, I just thought…” she trailed off, her cheeks red as she began to second-guess what she was doing. Bucky could have kissed her. 

“I’ve been thinking about cutting it for a while now,” he told her with a grin. “It’s just… this isn’t me, you know? This is part of… part of what they made me.” 

“So you do want a haircut?” she asked, and he nodded. 

“I think it’s time to look like myself again,” he agreed, and they walked into the shop with their arms around each other. It even smelled the way Bucky remembered a barbershop smelling, and it immediately put him at ease. He hadn’t felt so relaxed in a public space since before he’d shipped out to the front.

“Hello, how can I help you?” the man asked, moving behind the counter. 

“You wouldn’t have time for a walk-in cut, would you?” Kayleigh asked, and Bucky ran a hand through his hair, self-conscious of the mess of it. The barber eyed him up, before grinning and nodding. 

“Always time to fix a head of hair like that,” he teased, and soon was ushering Bucky into the chair. He was slightly gruff, but in a friendly way, so that it only took a few moments for Bucky to relax as the cape was put around his neck.

“So, what can we do for you?” he asked, and Bucky looked to Kayleigh for help. He didn’t know what people did nowadays anyway, he didn’t even know how to explain something he might want. Kayleigh would know what would look good, and he trusted her beyond anything else as he silently begged her to make the decision for him.

“Kind of a pompadour cut, but maybe take the sides a little bit shorter,” she answered, and both Bucky and the barber nodded at her decision. Bucky would just be happy as long as the mess of hair that the Winter Soldier had grown out was gone and he wasn’t buzzed. But he had a feeling Kayleigh would make sure he didn’t come out of the experience looking ridiculous. 

Twenty minutes later and Bucky’s head felt like it had lost ten pounds. From the mass of dark hair on the floor, he figured he probably wasn’t off by much. The man had taken the scissors to the worst of his hair, chopping it all to a more manageable length before he began to actually focus on the haircut and style. Kayleigh sat on her phone, scrolling through something or other, looking up to tell Bucky about a story she came across or a news article or to give Bucky some encouragement that it was looking good. He was becoming too nervous to really speak, and after noticing Kayleigh reached out and held his hand for a moment, silently reminding him that it was okay and that she was there. 

“Bucky, you look sharp,” she grinned, and he raised an eyebrow as the barber swung his chair around so he could see himself in the mirror. 

Bucky nearly choked when the man who stared back at him didn’t seem to be the cold Winter Soldier or the lost, programmed man he’d spent so long being. It was like a slap in the face, the way it hit him; the fact that he seemed to be looking at himself for the first time since the forties.

“I…” his mouth open and closed a few times like a fish, before he shot a look to Kayleigh. The top of his hair was a bit longer than he ever would have kept it – not enough to be annoying but just enough to be different – and he had to admit he liked it. It seemed kind of suave, for some reason, combed back and just off to the side. The sides of his hair were quite short, which meant easy to deal with again. No more hair falling into his eyes or getting into his mouth. 

“You look great,” Kayleigh’s smile was gentle, fully comprehending what he was experiencing. She thanked the barber and paid, all the while Bucky was still inspecting his new reflection. 

“Ready to go?” he nodded, taking one last look before standing and walking to Kayleigh’s side. He finally thanked the man, hoping he sounded as genuinely happy as he felt, and wrapped his arm around Kayleigh as they headed back out onto the street to get back to the car. 

“So, how was today?” she asked, and he stuttered to try and find words for her. 

“Amazing,” was all he could get out, and he experimentally ran his fingers through his hair. Kayleigh’s grin was contagious, and he let out a chuckle as they made their way down the street. People hardly gave them a moment’s glance before moving so they could pass, and for the first time Bucky felt just like a man again. Nobody looked at him too closely, there was no fear; he looked just like any other guy walking down the street. 

“Yeah?” 

“God yeah. I feel like… I feel like me,” he told her, and pressed a quick kiss to her temple before they raced across the street to avoid waiting for the next light and then ducked into the door for the underground parking. 

“That’s what I was hoping for Buck,” she softly told him, giving him another quick squeeze before they got into the vehicle to head back to the tower. “You look like you’re ready to hit a dance hall.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for some happy Bucky! :) Hope you guys enjoy the chapter! And thanks so much everybody for the wonderful comments you guy shave left me - they never fail to make my day!


	44. Chapter 44

“Bucky you are gonna _kill_ me,” Kayleigh groaned from where she had collapsed onto the mat in the gym. She'd started going with him every day, but most of the time Kayleigh's endurance gave out a solid hour before Bucky's did. It was a good distraction; it kept her from sitting in her apartment wondering if Steve and Sam were okay, as it had been radio silence from them since they'd left. And she slept like a baby every night thanks to Bucky putting her through the ringer. 

“No I'm not,” he rolled his eyes, walking over to her and picking up his water bottle. “You just need to acclimate.” 

“I think I'm acclimating to this mat just fine,” she retorted, and he chuckled before shaking his head. He'd ran something like nine miles on the treadmill, in the time it took Kayleigh to do one. Thank God Tony had created a treadmill that could handle Steve's running, because Bucky would have destroyed a regular one. He could run as fast as a car when he really wanted, but even a 'jog' for him could be something like double the speed of a regular person's run. 

“Come on,” he teased, holding his hand out for her to take. With a groan she did so, letting Bucky pull her back up to her feet, Jell-O legs and all. He seemed happier, more in his element since he'd been able to go to the gym, and it made Kayleigh smile to see him like this. Even if her body felt like a bucket of lead ever since the first day she'd came with him to work out. 

“I'm not a super soldier Buck - I'm a couch potato,” she complained, and kept her eyes on his face to see the smirk on his features. If she wasn't careful, her eyes could notice the way his t-shirt clung to his muscles. 

“Well we can change that,” 

“No we can't - not a super soldier, no super soldier serum left,” she reminded him, and he let out a groan. 

“Sometimes you're impossible. I meant change the couch potato part,” he informed her, and she let him lead her over to the sparring equipment. He was trying to teach her how to box - apparently he'd done it as a teenager and had actually been pretty good, winning some kind of welterweight championship thing three consecutive years. But Kayleigh was convinced she was too uncoordinated for something like this. 

“Please?” Bucky's puppy-dog eyes were too much, and so she began strapping on the gloves. They weren't made for boxing, per-say, but more of an MMA glove. Seeing as she didn't have any arm strength, Bucky had figured this would be easier for her - she would still have protection for her hands but wouldn't be as weighed down. It was a step up from the way Sam taped her hands up, but was a little more comfortable.

“Stance,” he instructed, the small hand protectors on. He was already in position; stance widened, on the balls of his feet so he could move. Kayleigh tried to position herself the way he'd shown her, but knew it was sloppy. She was just so tired today. 

“Sorry,” she mumbled, raising her arms the way he'd shown her. He nodded, and only adjusted her footing slightly; pushing her left foot farther out with his own.

“First combination,” 

Two punches with the left and a jab, each landing square in the center of the protectors he had. 

“Second,” 

Two jabs, a punch, and she followed that with a high kick from the left leg. Bucky had told her he was kind of skipping some of the elementary parts so that she could learn both punching and kicking techniques all together. Kayleigh had teased him, wondering what kind of three-peat welterweight champion boxer kicked, but the way his expression had darkened told her that it was the Winter Soldier who'd learned the other techniques, and that Bucky hadn't realized it didn't make sense where it came from. She'd quickly backtracked, letting him know that it was probably more beneficial for her to be able to protect herself if she had more in her arsenal than just punches, and he'd nodded. Bucky had been tight-lipped and upset that entire day, and it was all she could do to get him to relax once they'd gone back to her apartment to watch a movie. He finally had though, and then had fallen asleep with his head on her shoulder. The nightmares that plagued him that night had left him hoarse from screaming, and she'd held him on his couch while he fitfully tried to doze. Neither of them had said a word about it since. 

“Good; you're finally swinging,” he told her, smile widening as he looked at her with approval. Kayleigh grinned and shrugged, glad that she was actually doing something right in this whole gym process. 

“Thanks,”

They spent a half-hour working on the skills, and by the time Bucky had finally said they were done Kayleigh felt like her whole body was just going to collapse out from under her. Her muscles ached, her lungs were sore, and she could hardly lift her arms anymore. 

“I'm done, I'm done,” she admitted defeat, flopping down to the mat once again. Bucky smiled and shrugged the stress out of his shoulders before sitting down beside her. 

“You did really good, you're getting a lot better,” he told her with a smile as he sprawled out. 

“Thanks,” she shot him a smile before her mind began to wander as she stared out the window. She couldn't help but wonder about Steve, and sometimes felt a little guilty about the fun she had with Bucky while he was gone; afraid that Steve wasn't on her mind as much as he should be. 

“Heard anything yet?” he asked, and Kayleigh shook her head. It had still been radio silence from the crew, and she had a feeling it would be for the entirety of the mission. It was like Bucky could always tell the moment her mind slid to Steve, and thankfully was more than happy to ask or speak about him. 

Since the mission in Wakanda had started, Kayleigh had been running some tests with Bruce to get and keep a good idea of where Bucky's head was. He still didn't want to talk about the nightmares he had, or what happened to him in HYDRA, but he was starting to make progress talking about the kind of stuff that happened to his head, and the sort of feelings that ran through his brain. It was giving them a small bit of insight into the kind of trauma he'd experienced and what effect it was having on him. He didn't mind talking with Bruce, she'd found, and was grateful that he had someone for some of the stuff he wasn't necessarily comfortable sharing with her, even though there wasn't a whole hell of a lot that he didn't share with her. But he liked to talk about the good times, with his Ma and sister and Steve before the war, and Bruce liked hearing about it as much as she did. But the nightmares still happened, and some of them were so vivid he slipped out of his own mind into whatever there was left where he could disassociate. Where she could hear him scream in agony, begging for forgiveness in English and a mix of other languages, and she'd see him in the morning with dark circles under his eyes, the blue grey looking almost haunted by what he'd seen.

“Not a peep,” she answered with a sigh, and he gave her a sympathetic glance. 

“I'm sorry Kay,” 

“Not your fault - you don't have to apologize,” she told him, and he shrugged anyways. He understood that she appreciated it, she knew, but it still put a weird feeling in her stomach. She missed Steve like crazy, it was sure, but Bucky really helped ease the anxiety she had. 

“I know, but you know,” Kayleigh nodded, and then Bucky was on his feet again. 

“I have an idea,” he grinned, and held his hand out to her. With a raised eyebrow she took it, and let out a giggle when Bucky pulled her into his arms. It caught her off guard, but then she could feel the blush heating up her cheeks. 

“What on earth are you doing?” she asked, and then Bucky put his hand on the small of her back, taking her hand in his flesh one. 

“Well, you said you can't dance; I know Steve will… will want to take you dancing when he gets back. No better time to start teaching you than now,” the grin on his face made Kayleigh laugh and ease up; this was definitely the Bucky Barnes that Steve had told her stories about. He looked suave with his hair pushed back and a cocky smirk on his face. Even if this version was a little sweaty. What Steve wouldn't give to see him like this now, she thought. 

“Buck there's no music or anything,” she argued, not wanting to embarrass herself with her complete lack of co-ordination. She was reminded of having to learn dance steps in middle school and how badly she'd been teased because she couldn't get her feet to cooperate. 

“You don't need music to learn the steps,” he insisted, and with a roll of her eyes to show she thought he was being ridiculous, Kayleigh lightly put her hand on Bucky's shoulder. The metal was just hardly warm beneath her touch, where it was so close to his shoulder, but it was smooth and almost comforting beneath her hand.

“Okay, so this one is the foxtrot,” he told her, and soon was very slowly counting out rhythm and doing the steps for Kayleigh to watch. She was mesmerized at how suddenly Bucky Barnes went from being a stealthy, large man, to a light-footed dancer; and more than that he was _good_. It was like the movement was completely second nature to him. 

“There you go, okay, keep your back straight,” the tips were small, but helpful, and Bucky kept his shoulders square and straight as he walked her through the moves. 

“From there it really just depends how well you can lead; that's all the basics,” he told her with a grin, and Kayleigh felt her cheeks heat up. “How 'bout we give 'er a go?” 

“We still don't have any music,” she argued, but Bucky shook his head. It took him a moment, but then with that same cocky grin he took a step back and bowed slightly with his hand out. When Kayleigh took it, the look on Bucky's face was all the style of a much younger Bucky Barnes. 

“Fancy seeing a girl like you in a place like this,” he told her, making her giggle again. “How 'bout a dance, doll?” 

“Well I must warn you I do have two left feet,” she tried to adopt the same bit of drawl that had worked its' way into his voice, and Bucky let out a chuckle before shooting her a dazzling grin. She could immediately believe every story Steve had ever told her about what a lady-killer James Barnes had been with that smile and the twinkle in his eyes.

“Don't worry about it - I got you,” he told her, before he began humming. It was something vaguely familiar - Kayleigh had probably heard it at her grandfather's before - and then he pulled her in and put his hand at her back. 

They danced like that; Bucky humming the song, and even his counts or corrections were spoken softly and followed the tune. Soon Kayleigh was simply enjoying herself, letting Bucky lead her around the open floor space. It was easy to forget they were in the middle of the gym at Stark Tower and that Bucky had been through hell and back in the past seventy years. If Kayleigh wasn't so afraid of stepping on Bucky's toes she could have closed her eyes and pictured them in one of the old dance clubs her grandparents had used to reminisce about. 

“Look at you go,” Bucky grinned as he gave her a spin and then dipped her suddenly. Kayleigh gripped his shoulders in surprise, not having seen it coming, and then was laughing from deep in her chest as he pulled her upright again. It took her a moment to realize that she was pressed tight against him, and that Bucky's eyes were bright and lively but somehow tender at the same time. 

“I'll make a dancin' star out of you yet doll, just like in the pictures,” he shot her a cheesy wink, and Kayleigh giggled again as he slowly spun her out, brought her back into him and then dipped her again, this time letting his upper body move with her instead of relying on simply his arms to hold and maneuver her.

And in that moment Kayleigh realized that something was wrong, and that she was deathly afraid that maybe Nat was right. Bucky's expression was soft, like it was only for her, and her heart was pounding in her chest. His hand was warm and calloused over hers, but somehow held onto her in the most secure and gentle way she could imagine. Like if all she did was ask, he'd let her lead him anywhere, but in a heartbeat would protect her. It was such a strange overwhelming feeling that all of a sudden Kayleigh felt a shudder run down her spine. 

But there was still Steve. 

Her smile faded, and with hers so did Bucky's as he realized something was off. The awkwardness settled in over them, and he dropped her hand a millisecond before she took a step back, to create a boundary between them. 

“That was… that was really fun,” she told him, honest as the day was long. She really wanted him to know that she meant it, with all her heart. It had been a long time since Kayleigh had simply had fun the way she had with Bucky teaching her to dance. 

“It was… I've missed that. Fun,” he explained, and she nodded before he shoved his hands into the pockets of his gym shorts. 

“Look, Kay I'm sorry, I know I kind of crossed-”

“Dr. Stone?” the AI interrupted him, and Bucky jumped at the loud voice. He still wasn't used to the idea of a person that wasn't a person that lived in the whole tower. 

“Yes JARVIS?” 

“Incoming call from Captain Rogers for you,” 

A shared look with Bucky told her that his stomach had dropped the same way that hers had. They hadn't done anything wrong, she argued with herself. But then why did it feel like she'd done something terrible? 

“Just let me get to my office phone JARVIS - is Steve okay with waiting a minute or two?” 

“Captain Rogers is more than happy to wait, Dr. Stone,” 

“Thank you; I'll be right down to my office,” she answered, and with an affirmative response the AI went silent once again. 

“Bucky I'm sorry,”

“Kay; Kay relax. I'm sorry, I crossed the line; I shouldn't have called you doll,” he apologized, and Kayleigh felt her heart tug just a little bit more. 

“That's not… Bucky don't be sorry, okay?” she touched his shoulder softly, but saw that slightly broken expression in his blue eyes. He thought he'd done something wrong and her telling him otherwise wasn't about to fix it. 

“I am. I can tell you're upset Kay; I didn't mean to upset you,” 

“It's not you Bucky,” she reassured him, and then ruffled his hair in an attempt to lighten their moods. It was a platonic gesture, both of them realized, meant to offset whatever moment they'd experienced.

“I'm gonna go talk to Steve, okay?” 

“Uh Kay?” 

“Yeah Buck?” 

“I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to take me back to my apartment…” she smacked her hand to her forehead, having forgotten in her rush and bumble of emotions that of course Bucky couldn't just go wherever he wanted by himself. Moments like these where he was just so… _normal_ , it was so easy to forget he wasn't part of the team. That Bucky wasn't just another enhanced person working with the Avengers Initiative, rather than being in the rehabilitation sector.

“Right, I'm sorry,” she was rambling now, as she grabbed her duffel bag and Bucky quickly packed his gym shoes into his and slid into the cheap, Walmart sneakers they had picked him up just two days before to lounge around and walk around the tower in. 

“Kay, please relax,” once they were in the door of his apartment Bucky pulled her into a quick hug, which she returned, albeit stiffly. The soft, manly and musky smell that clung to the front of Bucky's shirt churning up her emotions even more. She could stand in his arms for an eternity, she realized. But Steve was waiting on the phone downstairs. 

Kayleigh thought she must be the worst human being on planet earth. 

“I'm sorry, I just… I have to go talk to Steve, Buck,” she told him, and he dropped his arms. 

“Yeah, you should. You've been waiting to hear from him for almost three weeks,” and with that tears were nearly in her eyes once again. Steve had undoubtedly been waiting anxiously to speak to her too. 

“Yeah,” 

“Kayleigh?” Bucky's voice was soft, and she turned back to look at him, hand on the doorknob of his apartment, the security system running the print scan. 

“Yeah?” 

“I really am sorry,” he told her once more, and she nodded before trying to give him a smile and then leaving his apartment. Kayleigh squared her shoulders slightly, nodded to the sole guard - who was now probably bored to death without a partner to play cards with since detail had been downsized - and got into the elevator to go down to her office. 

“Hey Steve,” as soon as the call connected Kayleigh did her best to compose herself. 

“Kay, hey - how you doing?” Steve sounded excited, if not tired, and Kayleigh couldn't help but perk up slightly at the sound of his voice. Until she remembered how happy she'd been being swung around by Bucky just minutes before… and just how far Steve had been from her mind when he'd done so. 

“I'm okay, how are you guys? Everybody all right?” she asked, and Steve sighed. 

“We're okay, a little tired but good. Been running some recon, night missions, not too much excitement but long hours,” he explained, and she nodded even though she knew he couldn't see her. 

“Sounds kind of tedious,” 

“It is, believe me,” he chuckled, before she could hear the cheerfulness kind of seep out of his voice. “What's wrong, Kay? You sound off.” 

“Just… got a lot running through my head right now,” she told him, not sure if she was ready to divulge just how horrible of a person she was. She may need a pep talk out of Natasha for that one. 

“What kind of things?” 

“Everything. You, Bucky,” 

“Is he okay?” Steve was immediately concerned, and Kayleigh closed her eyes hard to try and keep any and all water works at bay. She'd be damned if she started bawling on the phone to Steve. 

“Yeah, yeah he's great. We started going to the gym,” she told him. “He's trying to teach me how to dance.” 

Radio silence. The air between them was all but tense, and Kayleigh felt a weird, unsettled feeling in her stomach. Her fears were realized, that's what it was. She could feel the change in tension between them as Steve mulled over her words.

“Bucky's… he's teaching you to dance?” Steve sounded almost choked, and Kayleigh wondered if that had said more than she'd realized, somehow. 

“Yeah… yeah he figured… he figured you might want to take me dancing, so I should know how,” she whispered, and then heard a long sigh come from the tall blonde who was thousands of miles away from her. 

“Kayleigh, that's… that's real good of him. But… But I could have taught you too,” he told her, and she sucked in a hard breath. She'd never even thought twice about Bucky's offer, or what it might mean to Steve. 

“I'm sorry, I never even thought… it was kind of spur of the moment…” 

“Nothing to apologize over Kay,” Steve quickly assured her, but Kayleigh knew it had done something. Hit some kind of invisible point between the two of them, even though she didn't understand the how or the why of it. 

“Are you sure? You don't sound like it's nothing,” 

“I just… he would have known, is all,” that was all the explanation she was apparently going to get, and Kayleigh was silent for a few moments, the tears beginning to bubble up from inside her again. 

“Steve I'm so sorry,” it almost came out choked, and she clapped a hand quietly over her mouth in an attempt to keep him from hearing. 

“For what? Kayleigh what's wrong? Please?” 

“I just… he was showing me the dance moves and I… Steve I was just… happy and having fun… and I didn't even think of you,” she admitted, heart breaking as she did so. “You should have been at the front of my mind, the whole time.” 

 

Again, that same, odd silence was there, and then she heard Steve take in a shaky breath.   
“It's not your fault Kay, you were just having fun. Helping him; that's part of the old him, you know. The dancing. Bucky always loved to dance with anybody he could drag onto the floor,” Steve chuckled, but it was forced. Something was very, very wrong, and Kayleigh knew him well enough to catch it. 

“Steve, please,” she didn't need to say anything else, and they both knew it. 

“He knew I never really got the chance to go dancing. If he were really himself he would have known I would have wanted to go and teach you and the whole thing, Kay. Bucky only ever spent time teaching girls to dance that he really liked,” his voice was rough, scratchy even, and Kayleigh felt like he dropped an A-bomb on her head with that statement. 

“What on earth are you saying Steve?” 

“I think you already know, Kay,” he sounded resigned, and Kayleigh felt a mix of overwhelming guilt tinged with anger. 

“Are you saying what I think you're saying?” she asked, and then Steve was trying to gently backtrack, realizing he'd upset her even further. He maybe hadn't realized just what a mess of emotions she'd been when she'd answered his phone call. 

“No, Kayleigh I'm not… I'm just… he likes you, that's all I'm saying,” he insisted. 

“No, you're saying… you're saying it's both ways. That he's undermining you, somehow,” she argued. 

“I am not,” 

“Steven don't lie to me,” she finally blurted out the words, and was met with quiet again. She could just hear the sound of Steve breathing on the other side of the secure line, and then heard movement. A chair scraping, and the gentle sounds of the six-foot-plus super soldier easing himself onto the cushion and the wooden frame making small sounds as it handled the sheer size of him. 

“Buck likes you, Kay. It's as simple as that,” he stated, and Kayleigh sat there, trying with all her will to deny it. 

“Steve, he can't…” 

“He does. Ask him, then, if you don't believe me,” was all he said, sounding damaged and resigned all at once, and Kayleigh bit back another wave of morose feelings before she took a shaky breath. 

“I miss you, Steve,” and with that she gently hung up the phone, before putting her head down against her desk and crying in earnest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter... here is the start of the proverbial 'shit hitting the fan' that we've all seen coming for forever and a day...
> 
> Hope you guys liked the chapter! :) (And who doesn't like to picture Bucky dancing?)


	45. Chapter 45

Bucky knew something had gone terribly wrong; for as wonderful as dancing had been, it had done something to his and Kay’s relationship. It wasn’t something he understood, but something he recognized. When she’d messaged him apologies about not returning to his apartment that evening Steve called, he shrugged them off, no problem. His two best friends had a lot on their plates and god only knew what kind of emotional state she was after speaking to him, and he knew that she sometimes needed her space with things like that. But even the impersonal words on the screen were different from what he recognized as Kay’s normal.

When he was escorted to the gym by a guard the following morning and only saw Kay during their scheduled session, he knew that the something had been big. Tremendous, even, for her to shoot him a watery, apologetic smile, and then cut right down to business. It shook him still, the way she’d hidden everything that was usually written across her face like an open book with him with what appeared to be little effort. Bucky knew she had the ability to do so; she wouldn’t have been in the workforce she was otherwise, but he knew the reason it bothered him was because she had never used it with him. The way her eyes stayed stormy in the brown depths, but her face was carefully arranged, voice soft but always steering and in charge, which was something Bucky had never faced. Bucky remembered recognizing her ability to do this when he’d first woken up, after the surgery, and while he’d catalogued the fact away had never had to recognize it. He was used to his Kay, the one who used slightly unorthodox methods to get through to him when he needed it, who treated him like a friend and a person rather than a patient. It was a distinction he craved, he realized, after the second or third day of this going on. 

His apartment began to feel like a prison, and the nightmares soon came flooding back. The crushed look on Steve’s face when his grip failed him and the bar broke, the horrific fear of both dying and that Steve would jump and follow him. They’d been attached nearly at the hip since they were seven years old; Bucky wouldn’t have put it past Steve to try and save him one last time, even if it cost him everything. He’d woken up screaming and crying one night from one of the worst nightmares yet; after having fell from the train, his eyes opened, his body broken and bleeding, looked to his left to take in the now-familiar surroundings and was instead met with the sight of Steve; blue eyes wide and unseeing, blood trickling from his mouth and not breathing. There had been no coming back from that image. 

The repeat horrors of waking up in his dream in indescribable pain, realizing he was somehow alive and that hell was a place on earth. Of being drug through the snow by the arm that was still there, of the excruciating realization and agony that his left arm was no more than a stump that ended somewhere between his shoulder and elbow, that the red trail behind him was his blood. That he would bleed out and die surrounded by soldiers who didn’t speak his language and who didn’t care.

The cruel, slightly wheezing voice of the doctor who’d fitted him with the metal arm, forced him to come back to life when all Bucky had wanted was the peace of death. He knew he was in the wrong hands, behind enemy lines, and he also knew there was no rescue coming. He fell off a damn mountain – nobody should have survived that. Nobody would believe _he_ could survive that, and so Bucky had instead began praying he’d just not wake up one morning, whether it was his own mind or the fevered hallucinations that ran in front of his face along with the horrors that were real. He’d always believed the hallucinations came simply to try and help convince him that the horrors could be hallucinations too – that nobody would be capable of such terrible things. 

But to know that even after all of the god-awful things that Bucky had done and gone through that Steve still believed in him and fought for him to try and find him helped sometimes when things got tough. Knowing that even though he hadn’t really seen him that Steve was part of the support system he had as soon as he was ready to reach out to him, along with Kayleigh, eased his mind. The thought that he’d betrayed Steve in the most intimate of ways – by somehow overstepping his relationship with Kayleigh – cut him like a knife. It was the same kind of pain that had ripped through him when Zola had experimented on him and tortured him to try and make him comply. 

So he stalked and paced his apartment, tried to lose himself in the programs on television and the books Kayleigh both lent him and bought for him on the eReader in an attempt to remind himself that he was no longer a prisoner. That if Kayleigh had her way he would have free reign of at least the tower, even though he could be a danger to the people outside of it. He did pushups, and crunches, and tried to spend longer hours in the gym the week and a half afterward as he felt the stir-crazy getting to him. 

The sessions became his solace, and he wished they could last longer. He would ask questions, become more eager to talk when he could feel the shift in emotion in the room that meant that the session was coming to an end. Anything at all he could do to keep himself from having to go back to his apartment and his thoughts. He even let slip once about the nightmares, the ghosts who haunted his sleep; faces crying for his mercy, for him to spare their lives. Kayleigh had been in tears by the time he’d finished his tight-lipped explanation, of the fact that he remembered them. Every. Single. One. Could probably tell you exactly how he killed each target. How long it took them to die. Whether he’d done it with a gun or his bare hands. How he sometimes wished any one of them had killed him instead and saved the rest from their brutal fates. How he didn’t deserve life after taking so much of it away. That session had been a long one, and it took both of them a few days to recover from it. He’d been more reserved since, even though he still used the dream-journal extensively as Kayleigh had suggested. Nobody saw it unless he wanted to show it, she’d made sure he understood that fact. He could write every horrifying detail down and lock it away in the book to try and keep it out of his head so he could sleep. Sometimes it helped, a little. The fact he was on the third one spoke otherwise. 

“Bucky I am so sorry,” Kayleigh burst partway through. Today he’d been telling her stories about being a kid in Brooklyn, actually the week he remembered first meeting Steve. She’d been so off the last week and a half, her actions and words seeming to be disjointed and off-kilter, lacking the personality he was used to seeing with her. It was like somebody had bled everything bright out of her, leaving a shadow of her former self. While Bucky wanted nothing more than to pull her into a tight hug he was afraid that he would only worsen the problem. Losing her daily visits was punishment enough for acting inappropriately. 

“For what, Kay?” he asked, careful to keep his voice soft, and measured, the way she did. Slowly she lifted her head, and her gaze cut through Bucky in the worst way. Her eyes were bloodshot, weary, almost resigned, and there was no hint of spark or livelihood in them. The skin beneath her eyes was dark and tired, and he could see the moisture already beginning to gather in her tear ducts. 

“For this. All of this,” she waved her hand, and then let it flop to the desk in front of her. Before he could reconsider he lifted his right hand and slipped it over hers, giving a soft squeeze. She needed someone, if Steve couldn’t or wasn’t being that person. 

“Kayleigh, there’s nothing—”

“There is. I let personal issues interfere with you and your life and your recovery and that’s not okay. Because of that I’ve pulled back and essentially left you isolated which kills me because to me that’s not okay and makes me as bad as _they_ were to you,” she was rambling, her words spilling out of her like a hole had been punched through a dam. 

“Kayleigh listen,” he squeezed her hand softly, raising his voice just enough to quiet her where she sat, shaking on the side of the desk that told anybody else she was in power and comforting him. Bucky was glad she’d pulled back the curtain enough once again to let their positions be swapped. “You have nothing to be sorry for. _I_ crossed the line, _I_ should have known it was inappropriate, and that Steve would get upset and that would affect you. That’s not your fault; you can’t beat yourself up about it. You are nothing like them and never could be.” 

“That wasn’t the problem, Bucky; you tried to teach me to dance, you were there for me, there is nothing wrong with that,” she insisted, and then the first tear escaped. 

“So then what’s wrong?” he asked. 

“What’s wrong is that it shouldn’t have been you. It’s that it should have been Steve; good, bad, right or wrong, it should have been him and I should have given him a better chance to be those things. Instead I kept turning to you… do you understand why it’s pulling me apart?” 

Bucky sat back, dumbfounded at Kayleigh’s admission. His brain was racing even faster than his heart. He understood what she had just told him, what she’d admitted without admitting it out loud. 

“Kayleigh…. Damnit I am so, so sorry. I never meant… I didn’t want to do this to you or… or to Steve,” he choked out the words, feeling his heart up in his throat, trying to suffocate him. His palm was clammy, and in the back of his mind he wondered if Kayleigh had noticed or if she was disgusted by it. 

The part of his mind that had been twisted by HYDRA had compulsively told him for the last week and a half that Kayleigh pulling away was punishment for caring. For overstepping; for being happy with her and being able to forget about the horrors he’d committed while he was with her. For wanting too much when he had no right to it. A brutal reminder he didn’t and never would deserve to really be cared for by another person. When in reality Kayleigh had been punishing herself… for caring for him. 

“You didn’t, Bucky. You were there, and I let you. I kept… I overstepped boundaries even though I was positive I wasn’t….” she whispered, but thankfully didn’t pull her hand from his. 

“What… what about Steve?” he finally managed to ask, and she took a deep breath. 

“He’s upset. But… but I think to be honest he expected something to happen for either of us. Him or me… even just the way we’ve talked the past week has gone back to the way things usually do. But Buck… you have to understand. I love him; I love him very much. So much it hurts. To think that I’ve hurt him kills me, but to know that he was already thinking we were going to fail again hurts even worse. But we should know by now, because it’s not the first time we’ve tried and it’s ended the same way,” she sighed, attempting to compose herself with a few long breaths. “But that doesn’t make it hurt any less when you want something to work so badly but know it probably never will.” 

That struck him as well. Was that what he was doing? With the feelings he’d developed for Kayleigh in the past six or seven months… was he simply hoping and grabbing at straws in an attempt to try and self-actualize something that could never be. He knew Kayleigh loved Steve and that his best friend would undoubtedly love her as well. She was the kind of girl he’d have shed a tear or two over watching her walk down the aisle to his best friend, knowing he had the right girl. 

But at the same time, the Bucky who shipped out to war would have loved to have been standing waiting for a girl like Kay to walk down the aisle to him, too. The man he was now wasn’t convinced he could ever have those things and that he sure didn’t deserve them, but if he could or did, she would be it. He knew enough of himself to understand she was the kind of woman who could deal with him or put him in his place; she was the kind of woman you cherished until you were old and grey and gone. 

“I know what that’s like,” he softly told her, and saw her eyes soften a bit. 

“So you understand that I have to give Steve everything I can, right?” she quietly asked, hardly doing more than whispering to him. Bucky nodded, feeling rejected – even though he had no right to – but more than that understanding exactly what she meant. It wouldn’t be doing right by any of them otherwise. 

“Of course I do,” 

“And I am so, so sorry for making such a mess of everything, Bucky,” she apologized once more, but he shook it off once again. 

“Don’t be, okay?”

“Do you… do you want a gym partner again tomorrow?” she finally asked, and Bucky’s heart somersaulted in his chest as he managed to contain the worst of his excitement. There was no death sentence on their friendship, as he’d feared, and the thought of having company again could have shot him to the moon with happiness.

“I’d like that, as long as it’s okay,” he told her, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“I’ve missed it, and I hate that you’re on your own so much,” she told him, and Bucky ran a hand through his hair, still appreciating the new haircut in the back of his mind, in a way to try and buy himself some time to respond. 

“Don’t feel bad about that, okay? It’s not like there aren’t reasons enough to warrant it,” 

“James… do not say that again, please,” she told him, her voice gaining a little power as she narrowed her eyes slightly. The spark was back though, just a hint and a flash of it that he caught, and Bucky bit back a grin at her. 

“Okay, okay… but uh, when does Steve get back?” 

“He thinks it might be tonight,” Kayleigh allowed, and soon was organizing papers and files on her desk and in the drawer. This time he couldn’t conceal his grin at the fact that Kayleigh was obviously going to walk him back to his apartment, maybe even hang out for a bit. “He wants to have dinner and talk.” 

“That would be good; I know you missed him, Kay. You may be beating yourself up over all of this, but I know you missed him,” 

“Thanks Buck,” her smile gained a little strength, and she patted his shoulder softly before opening the office door for him to walk ahead of her. “So how about we watch a movie? In the meantime?” 

Bucky jumped on the offer, immediately rambling about the new films he’d seen released onto Netflix and wanted to see, and continued all the way up to his apartment when he caught sight of the small, content grin on Kayleigh’s face. He’d do anything to keep it there.


	46. Chapter 46

“Kayleigh,” her name was a breath on Steve’s lips when he opened the door to her apartment, and Kayleigh nearly dropped the bowl she was carrying when she saw him. His hair was a little unruly, and there was a scrape on his cheek that hadn’t quite disappeared yet. It was like time froze between them, and while Kayleigh could hear the slow tick of the clock on the wall; it was as if minutes passed between each second as they took each other in. 

“Steve,” as soon as she said his name he was in front of her, pulling the bowl from her grip and putting it on the counter while simultaneously wrapping her up in his arms. She collapsed into his grip, his chest strong and warm beneath her cheek, his waist small but solid where her arms wrapped around him. His hands covered her back, holding her to him as close as was physically possible as both of them tried not to break down. 

“God I missed you,” she choked out the words, and felt him nod. 

“I missed you too,” he admitted, before he captured her lips in his own. 

It rocked them, as if somebody had literally picked up her apartment and given it a good shake with the two of them still inside. Like dolls in a children’s dollhouse that was being moved. She felt the disorientation in her stomach, unsettled and almost nervous. Kayleigh fought it; she held on to the memory of them before he’d left on this mission, of how right it had felt waking up to him and kissing him. Without a doubt Steve was doing the same thing; pressing his lips insistently to hers and even flicking his tongue against her lips to deepen the kiss, trying to hold on to what they had had. He kissed her a second time, and a third, in a heated, passionate way that they’d never really explored before; his tongue was hot and in command against her own, his hands moving to her bare skin beneath the back of her shirt, her hands on his strong abs. His skin was hot beneath her touch, but she could tell that they could try anything and it wouldn’t do it. The rightness they had felt after he’d come back from South America had somehow disappeared.

“Damnit,” Kayleigh had only heard Steve swear a handful of times, and the first word that escaped his lips as the last kiss ended told her he’d been as unsuccessful as she had in trying to put them back where they had been. Something had changed, shifted, against both of their wills.

Maybe it was her fault. Maybe she’d killed the chance of it working for them with what had gone on while he was away. Of being as happy and thoughtless about him as she had been while with Bucky. 

“I’m sorry Steve…” the tears fell, and instead of pushing her away he held onto her tighter. 

“God Kayleigh, this isn’t your fault – don’t you dare think that,” Steve’s voice was stern, almost his Captain America voice, but he knew better than to use it with her. 

“But… things were going so well, Steve, what if…” 

“No. No what ifs; things happen how they happen. I just… I just hoped it would happen with you, this time,” his voice shook as he admitted it to her, and the tears broke loose. It felt like all Kayleigh had done in the past week and a half was cry, and cry some more. They should be gone already, she told herself; nobody should be able to cry this many tears in such a short period of time. 

“I hoped it would happen with you too Steve, and things were… they were working…” she hiccupped, and he pulled away and cupped her cheeks and pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

“Maybe… maybe it worked because of the circumstances. Kayleigh, I came this close to dying and losing you. You came that close to losing me – we thought that could have been it. Things can feel different, in those circumstances, you know? You’ve told me about it, that it’s…” 

“Circumstantial emotional reliance,” she automatically supplied the term to him, before wincing and burying her face against his chest once again. 

“That doesn’t mean we wanted it any less, it doesn’t mean we did anything wrong,” he softly finished his train of thought, and Kayleigh simply held on tighter to the front of his shirt. 

“But I did, Steve, you know—”

“Caring for Bucky isn’t doing anything wrong,” he cut her off, but she felt the words bubbling up in her throat. 

“No, but… but letting him take the place in situations that you should have been in is,” she told him, and felt Steve wrap her up again before he picked her up and carried her out of the living room and into her bedroom. He snuggled the two of them up beneath the blankets, and kept Kayleigh cradled tightly against his chest. 

“Why is this eating at you so badly?” he asked, and she gasped for air for a second. It was terrifying to think of how Steve could be hurt. 

“I can talk to him, Steve; I was talking to him about how I was feeling, about how you throwing yourself back into active duty made me feel, when we didn’t discuss it thoroughly. I cried to him about how scared I was of losing you, when I know you know it but didn’t hear it. I let myself try and lose my worries and anxieties by throwing myself into building the friendship I have with him instead of throwing myself more into us,” she hiccupped and sniffed, nose fully congested and running as she stopped speaking. Kayleigh couldn’t dare to look at Steve; even just thinking of the hurt and disappointment in his blue eyes would crush her. 

“Look at me. Please, Kay, look at me,” he whispered, and tipped her chin up. She shut her eyes as hard as she could, desperate to stave off the inevitable as long as possible. 

“Please,” she finally did, and was surprised when she didn’t see the things she expected on his face. His blue eyes were soft and a little watery, but full of sorrow and regret, not anger.

“You don’t hate me?” she asked, and Steve managed to chuckle and kissed her temple before speaking. 

“Of course not. Because while you think that’s your fault… really it’s mine,” he said, and Kayleigh’s mouth fell open slightly. His words echoed around the inside of her head, and it took her a moment to register what he’d told her.

“How the hell do you think that?” 

“Because, like you said, you went to Bucky for those things. Obviously, that means you felt like you couldn’t come to me; I gave you reasons to not come to me with them. That’s on me. I couldn’t be the person you needed. And then I took off to Wakanda and couldn’t even talk to you even if we both deathly needed it, to make things worse,” he told her, running his fingers through her hair and smoothing it away from her face. 

“Steve, that’s not—”

“It is. There’s more to it than whose fault it is, Kay. I keep… I throw myself into work. I mess up, and you’re someone who needs a full, one hundred and ten percent investment. Sometimes… especially with the work I do that can scare me. It makes no sense; it’s not that I can’t commit to you, Kay, but it’s the thought… the thought of leaving you the way I did Peggy… and Peggy and I never had the chance to have what we’ve had. I loved her the way I love you, Kay, but somehow we keep falling back into this friend, family thing instead of loving you the way I should and the way you deserve. You should have it all, Kay. It’s my fault that I can’t seem to give it to you,”

“Steve you can’t honestly think that it’s all on you, can it?” she demanded, and he nodded. “Because it’s not. It takes two, Steve.” 

“It does. But as much as we want it to be, we must not be the right two. I would do it, Kay, easily. I could get down on one knee and we could drive out to Wisconsin every year for Christmas and have two kids and buy a place in the suburbs… but we’d be settling. Both of us somehow; we’d be happy but not happy. And a girl like you should never settle,” he whispered, voice raspy and gravelly as he did so. She could see it too, always had been able to, as much as they joked around it. Steve, with two little mini-me’s running around him; meeting her with a kiss. They could do it, and they both knew it without a doubt. But he was right. It wouldn’t be right; they wouldn’t be the happy that they could be with someone else. 

“I guess the only question I have is… I…” he swallowed hard, and a tear fell from his eye that Kayleigh quickly thumbed away. “Am I going to lose my best friend because of this?” 

“Never,” she breathed the answer without second thought. She didn’t need it. Losing Steve was an unfathomable thing. 

“Thank God,” he let out a sob, and they folded in on themselves, crying openly and holding onto each other for dear life. Kayleigh’s fingers left white marks on Steve’s arms where she clung to him, and she couldn’t care less if he left bruises on hers. They needed each other, had since they’d first met. 

Once the tears had run dry they simply laid there, wrapped up in each other and their thoughts. Kayleigh’s finally seemed to settle, although the anxiety was still creeping around her mind. But knowing that Steve wasn’t gone and that he didn’t hate her did wonders to ease the brain that had kept her from sleeping or functioning normally for the past week and a half since their phone call. She softly finger combed through his blonde hair, staring at the wall behind him even though she could feel his gaze softly moving over her features.

“You haven’t been sleeping right either?” he asked softly. Kayleigh shook her head, and could tell immediately that Steve’s breathing was evening out just as hers was. They were getting close to falling asleep, exhaustion beginning to overtake them.

“Not since that phone call,” she admitted, and Steve nodded. 

“Me either. I was so… I thought I was going to lose you. Completely,” the admission seemed laughable to them now, but Kayleigh understood. She had feared the exact same thing as he had.

“For half a second I was even angry. I was angry with myself, for not being enough for you, for not doing enough or being there. Angry at Bucky, for being that person, but… I understand it, really. If we’d…” he sniffed, and then shot Kayleigh a watery smile. 

“What?” 

“If we’d met you back in the forties… or if Buck and I had met you now by normal circumstances… Kay there’s no doubt about it, it would have been Bucky,” he told her, and Kayleigh’s eyes widened. For the second time her mouth was hanging open. Steve had blindsided her in a way that was like her brain coming to a screeching stop of functioning.

“What on earth are you talking about, Steve? Did you get drugged somewhere between getting off the jet and coming here?” 

“No, I promise,” he reassured her, and kissed her forehead once more. His lips were soft against her skin, and she closed her eyes to enjoy the contact before looking up at him and meeting his gaze again. He held himself up on an elbow, stifling a yawn but determined to explain it to her, apparently.

“It would have been Bucky from the get-go. I mean, look at us. We’re practically family, Kay, and I think… I think we keep trying to make it more because we refuse to admit that feeling something this strong can only be family. It hurts like hell, but I think it’s true. But Bucky; Kay, if you’d known him then, you’d have fallen head over heels for him. He was smart, witty and charming; he’s an all or nothing guy. He got to see how much his dad loved his Ma; he loved his sister and his mother in such a fierce way that nothing but hell itself could have gotten through him to them. 

My mom knew I might not have made it without him; he loved me the same fierce way when we were kids. We were the brothers that we’d never had. And you’re drawn to that, Kay. You’re just as fierce and involved and pulled to people who understand that. Had things… had everything been different Kay, I think we never would have tried. You would have met us and been with Bucky. As much as I like to hang on to the idea of the two of us and a white picket fence and kids, as soon as I realized it… I just picture you with him. He replaced me behind that white picket fence and I can’t get it out of my head,” Steve’s voice was comforting and pulling and held just a bit of frustration, but Kayleigh still couldn’t wrap her head around the things he was saying. It was so strange that all she could do was stare at him and blink and hope she didn’t look like a confused owl. There was a hint of regret in his words, like he hated the fact that he was right, but it still blew Kayleigh’s mind to a point she wasn’t sure she could understand what he was saying.

“I… what… where is this coming from Steve?” 

“The truth. I think… I think I’m finally being honest with myself about it,” he admitted, and Kayleigh searched his face for anything, even the tiniest hint that he was just trying to make her feel better. But it wasn’t there. This was all Steve. 

“I love you Kayleigh; always have, always will. And you can’t get out of using me as your backup plan,” he teased; making the smallest of giggles slip loose from her lips. “But I think we both know I’m right. We both know that the only way we’ll work like that is settling for it. And if… if Bucky’s better, and he must be getting there if he’s enough of himself to start having an effect on you Kay, you deserve the kind of things he can give you. Both of you deserve to be happy more than anybody else I know. And if it’s not him, then the right guy is waiting out there somewhere,” he told her with a reassuring kiss to the forehead before he curled himself around her and let out a long sigh. 

“We can talk more in the morning. I want to enjoy this right now,” he mumbled against her hair. Kayleigh nodded, and snuggled against Steve’s warm chest, letting his smell and warmth envelop her. At that moment, she wanted to try and forget everything else but Steve. It was easier that way.


	47. Chapter 47

_Okay if I come over?_

The sound of a message coming in on the eReader caught Bucky’s attention even though it was on the coffee table and he was still cocooned in the blankets on his bed. He’d spent the entire night tossing and turning, but instead of the horrific nightmares he was accustomed to, these had been heart wrenching. Instead of seeing Zola or his handlers or being tortured, it was Steve’s face floating in and out. Disappointment, disbelief, rage even. Steve screaming at him with tears running down his cheeks, asking how he could ruin his chances with Kayleigh; his chance of having a normal life and being happy. He woke up in tears twice before deciding to burrow in as many blankets as he could find and just lay there waiting for the day to come. Bucky had been on stakeouts before, praying for nothing else but the sun to rise; this wasn’t much different from those nights.

Keeping the blankets wrapped around him he trudged into the living room and flopped onto the couch, reaching out with his left hand to pick up the device and quickly open the messenger application. It was Kayleigh, and the message was short enough he couldn’t determine if things were good or bad. 

_Of course. Give me 10?_ He didn’t want to tell her he was still in pajamas and hadn’t slept a wink, but he did want to hop in the shower and try to look respectable. His Ma didn’t raise a street rat. 

_Sounds good. Want coffee?_

She knew his weakness. Stark and Banner didn’t like him having coffee, worried the caffeine could over stimulate his brain or something or other, but it was like a drug for him. Kayleigh would sneak it in – sometimes decaf, sometimes split half decaf half regular to keep them from getting in real trouble – but it always tasted like heaven in a cup. The smell reminded him of the apartment he’d grew up in, his mom always making a pot of coffee before work, and after Bucky had turned sixteen she’d let him drink it too before he went off to work on the weekends.

_Please. You’re the best_

_Sure Buck. See you in a bit._

With that he finally shucked the blankets off and deposited them on his bed, making mental note to make the bed up once he was out of the shower. With the water as hot as he could stand he quickly washed up, and let the water beat across his face for a moment hoping it would help get rid of the dark circles he knew were under his eyes. He didn’t hide not sleeping as well as he did before the surgery, somehow. 

He’d just finished toweling off and was sliding into a pair of boxers when his eReader dinged again in the living room, so he quickly pulled on a pair of sweatpants before jogging over to it and reading the message. 

“Come in,” he called, knowing she’d be standing by the door, and immediately heard the locking mechanism beginning to work. She liked this a million times better than ‘barging in’ as she’d put it, but in all honesty Bucky didn’t really mind either way, as long as she was coming to visit. 

Except for the one time. She’d nearly walked in on something that he would never recover from, and he had hardly been able to keep her from asking too many questions about it. His face heated up at even just the thought of Kayleigh calling out his name when he’d been, for lack of a better term, having a moment of weakness. Lying on his bed as he relieved some built up frustration. So at least now that was not a fear he would have to deal with. 

The door swung open, Kayleigh using her foot to do so as she carried her phone in one hand, her bag slung over her elbow, and the tray with their coffee in the other. Her smile was warm and reached her eyes, so Bucky decided her conversation with Steve last night must not have went badly. 

“Morning,” she sounded cheerful, and the clean, slim-fitting jeans and blouse she wore continued to convince him that things must be all right. The last time she’d been in a mess, her clothes and posture had reflected it immediately, but as Bucky moved to take the cardboard tray from her hand and put it on the table all of those telltale signs were missing. She looked all right; happy even. 

Kayleigh blushed slightly when she realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and Bucky could feel his own cheeks warm as he wondered how terrible of a call it had been to let her in without it. The scars that littered his left shoulder from where his arm had been attached were ugly; a mix of angry red and bright silvery white against his skin, and immediately he got a little self-conscious.

“Morning. You seem chipper,” he meant it as more of a question but it came out sounding a little bit condescending, which he hadn’t meant it to. 

Kayleigh heard it, and raised an eyebrow at him. His face flushed immediately, and he wished he could hide it better. 

“Sorry, that came out really wrong,” he apologized, but she pulled her coffee from the tray, walked over and made herself at home on the couch, which meant he wasn’t getting off the hook for that one. He picked up his coffee and popped the lid off of the top, letting the aroma waft up toward him and make his stomach growl before he blew on it and took a sip. She must have walked to pick them up; the coffee was the perfect temperature. 

“Everything okay?” she asked, and he shrugged, sitting beside her, surprised when she didn’t scoot right over to the armrest to ensure there was enough space between them. He mentally catalogued the information away; something to ask about later, and then met her eyes. 

“Just couldn’t sleep last night,” he admitted, knowing she’d find out one way or another. Kayleigh had an uncanny ability of reading him. There was no doubt that she would guess or pull the information from him before he even knew it, and then it was an even bigger embarrassment to explain himself. Better to just come out with it.

Her expression softened and she put a hand on his forearm, her thumb making soft circles against his skin. Clockwise, the way she always did, and Bucky gave her a thankful smile. 

“You okay?” 

“I think I will be. Just one of those nights,” he didn’t want to admit the real cause for his exhaustion, and thankfully she left it at that. They sat for a while, drinking their coffee in companionable silence, Kayleigh’s hand on his arm and smiles on both of their faces. 

“You and Steve okay?” finally he blurted out the question, unable to stand not knowing anymore. Kayleigh seemed surprised, but the easy smile on her face soon replaced it. 

“Yeah, yeah I think we’re good,” she nodded, and Bucky felt relief seep over him like he’d just sunk into a warm bath. 

“That’s good. You guys talked everything out?” 

“Yeah we did. He… well, we both thought it was our own fault, but I think really we knew that odds were it wouldn’t work. We talked it over and I think we both know where we stand on everything. He’s still insisting that if I hit forty and I’m not married though I have to marry him,” she laughed at it like it was this amazing inside joke, and while Bucky was delighted that they were on good terms and he hadn’t messed anything up, the thought of Kayleigh walking down the aisle to Steve still didn’t sit right with him. 

“So… why do you think it doesn’t work?” he asked, trying to sound nonchalantly curious, but knew he’d failed when Kayleigh gave him an intrigued look. He quickly hid his face behind his coffee cup, chugging back a few good mouthfuls until she took her gaze off of him. 

“Steve thinks maybe we just never were meant to be that. We love each other so much, but we always fall back into being family and platonic. So maybe, because we knew the feelings were so strong we always tried to make it into this because neither of us really knew we could feel platonic love like that and that was the best way to make sense of it. He even said last night; we could do it. We could get married and buy a house in the suburbs and have kids and drive to Wisconsin every Christmas and we could be happy, but it wouldn’t be _right_ ,” she explained, and Bucky nearly choked on his coffee at her telling him she could so easily see herself marrying and having kids with Steve, but then realized she was coming round full circle. Just because you loved someone doesn’t mean it was right. 

“I understand, I guess,” he allowed, and Kayleigh just watched him, brown eyes warm and almost glowing, he thought. “You guys don’t want to keep going to each other simply because you know it could be easy. It’s scary to try and reach for the real thing but you know it would be worth it for each other to find it.” 

“Yeah, exactly,” she agreed, voice soft and inviting, and Bucky looked over to see that warm smile on her face again. It was one he hardly saw her use outside of his apartment; the one she’d worn while they were dancing. In the back of his mind he liked to pretend it was for him, even as he gave her a grin in response. 

“So, I’ve also been talking to Tony and Bruce; Bruce thinks you’ve been making wonderful progress, by the way, and made sure to gloat about it to Tony,” she informed him, but still hadn’t gone into full clinical-voice, which intrigued him. 

“Thanks,” the word was means to get her to continue, and she giggled at him as she reached for her bag. 

“So, in celebration; ta-da!” she pulled something out of the bag that made Bucky pause for a moment, his brain tripping over itself to try and recognize and process before it hit him. 

She’d bought him a pair of waist-overalls. Jeans, they called them jeans now, he reminded himself.

He knew that the sweatpants were more than just a comfort choice for the clothes that they’d supplied him with. They tore easy and could rip, so there was little to no chance of him being able to utilize them to harm anyone if something had happened and he’d gone soldier. If Stark would have had his way, Bucky had no doubts he’d have been kept in like a prison-style jumper or maybe even a straightjacket until they knew, but Kayleigh would have lost her shit all over the man who seemed to run the operation if he’d even suggested it. 

This meant they thought he was well enough to start making normal progress. Soon the grin was ear to ear as he reached for them and felt the denim beneath his hands. 

“Go try them on,” sensing his excitement she ushered him toward his bedroom, and immediately Bucky did so; once safely out of Kayleigh’s sight he stripped off the comfy sweats and pulled the jeans on. They felt different – he hadn’t really worn jeans back in his day; they were more expensive than buying slacks so his Ma had never bothered. But they felt nice; he felt like a put together person in them. He threw on a t-shirt too, for good measure, seeing as he hadn’t properly gotten dressed yet for the day. 

“What do you think?” he asked, walking back into the living room, metal hand in the front pocket. Kayleigh grinned and came over, gushing over how sharp he looked in them. It put a smile on his face, and after making sure they fit properly she announced she’d be getting him a few more pairs. 

“You need something nice to wear with those shoes,” she told him with a sly grin, and he eyed the nice shoes she’d bought him that hadn’t left their space beside his door. He hadn’t wanted to wear them with sweatpants, knowing he would have looked a fool like that. And they hadn’t really left the tower in the past few weeks. 

“Thanks Kayleigh,” he pulled her in for a hug, and held her tight against his chest. She let him, which made him smile even harder; glad his face was hidden in her hair. 

“So, when do I get to wear them?” he teased, and she laughed at him before tucking an errant lock of hair back in it’s place. His hair tried to wave sometimes when it was long, and undoubtedly it was doing that now. He hadn’t combed it yet, and while it had been cut the top had just enough length for it to start getting a mind of its own. 

“How about the day after tomorrow we go get donuts? Then we can dress you up and take you out. I would say tomorrow but I’ve got so many meetings I’m sure my head will explode,” the teasing glint was in her eyes, and it was all Bucky could do to not pull her into his arms and press his lips to hers. 

He wanted to, badly; the fact she was as excited as he was about all of this progress spoke wonders. But there were things that needed to be settled out and discussed. God knew he wanted to talk to Steve and let them figure themselves out before he did or said a damn word about the butterflies she put in his stomach. It just wasn’t right, putting a move on a girl that your best friend liked. He was pretty sure it would have earned him a beating back in the day. Then there was the whole mess of him being essentially a convict, and her being his… whatever she was. Therapist, friend, protector… there was quite a list of things she was to and for him, many of them he was sure would have rules about him having feelings for her.

“Sounds good to me,” he agreed, and laughed when Kayleigh returned to his couch and flopped down. 

“Come on; there’s a new episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine I want to watch, Mister Snazzy-Pants,” she told him, patting the couch cushion beside her. He raised an eyebrow at her before settling down into his favorite spot, leaning against the armrest and stretching his legs out. 

“Mister Snazzy-pants?” he dubiously asked, hoping this wouldn’t become a thing. 

“Just calling it like I see it,” she shot him a cheesy grin, and he laughed before handing her the remote to select the TV show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter update! :) I have sketchy access to internet at best for a while here so I wanted to make it worth it :) I know you guys are probably ready to give me (and Kayleigh) a good shake for what seemed like so long of her back and forth, so there's a little bit of conflict resolution here... not totally... but some :)


	48. Chapter 48

Kayleigh left for work and returned in the evening for two movies, the last of which she mostly snoozed through, but Bucky was content to simply sit beside her and watch her sleep. She’d been so restless, that even the short amounts of time he spent with her the past week or so had shown it, until today. Bucky knew her well enough to see the tells, and some of them were so similar to Steve’s it was like he was thrown back to the thirties before he shook himself and brought himself back to the present. Overcompensating for feeling shitty by trying to make sure clothes were chosen impeccably, that their hair was combed and done. For Kayleigh that included wearing a full face of makeup, even though it wasn’t her normal. They both tried so hard to put on an ‘I’m perfectly fine’ face that it was glaringly obvious to anybody who knew them. Seeing Kayleigh peacefully sleeping on his couch let Bucky know she was going to be okay, because she was relaxing enough to sleep. 

She left after Bucky woke her up, knowing that Steve was back and that she still needed to see him, talk things through, because as much as she seemed light years better that morning she still wasn’t quite herself. It pained him, a little, to hug her and watch her leave him for another man, when he’d finally kind of accepted the fact he had feelings for her. Feelings he shouldn’t have, feelings that were only going to get him hurt in the long run. But hard as he tried to shove them down or force them into a platonic light they wouldn’t behave. She put a lump in his throat, a tie in his tongue and made his palm sweat. He hadn’t had that happen since asking Dottie Mays to dance back in ’38. His heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest when she shot him a soft look and a warm smile, and he knew that, at worst, he could be compared to a puppy wanting so badly to please her at whatever task she presented him with, anything to get her affection. It embarrassed him even though he understood that even knowing he did it wasn’t enough to make him stop. Bucky Barnes had turned into a man who thrived on attention from the one woman in the world he couldn’t have and shouldn’t want. Lord would his mother be upset. 

The twisting and churning emotions led to more nightmares. Awful ones, and when he woke screaming the electric voice in the walls asked if he’d like for Kayleigh to be woken. Bucky vehemently argued, after the voice – JARVIS he said his name was– informed him that Steve was at Kayleigh’s apartment again. Kayleigh needed to be with Steve… Bucky had already done enough to fuck that up on them. He wasn’t going to pull her away when she so desperately needed Steve herself. So instead he pulled the blankets off of his bed, swiped the tears from his cheeks and burrowed himself in the back corner of his closet. Once cocooned in the blankets, back pressed into the wall so as to make sure he couldn’t be snuck up on, he began trying to do any of the breathing exercises his racing mind could latch on to from his sessions with Kayleigh. JARVIS kept insisting that he could contact her, but Bucky continued to refuse. 

Some time later there was sound from his front door. Bucky began to panic, at first because he’d told JARVIS to not bother Kayleigh, and then because the AI responded that he hadn’t, and Bucky was afraid he might disassociate or whatever it was again. Black out, while his body was still awake and very capable of being violent without his knowledge or memory. The implant had somehow been the link between the two parts of his brain; the part that HYDRA had created and his mind; because he could remember everything he’d done as the Winter Soldier when the implant had been in. Now when he went Soldier it was just a black hole in his life. 

“Barnes? Barnes, you okay?” he sagged with relief when he heard Bruce’s voice, and swallowed hard before managing to call out in answer to the older man. 

While thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed of himself, Bucky couldn’t make himself move out of the closet until he saw Bruce and could confirm it was in fact him. Bruce didn’t smile, or joke, or point fun at him, instead simply offered a hand to get Bucky to his feet, and then he led the way out to Bucky’s kitchen. 

‘I, uh, brought some tea. JARVIS told me you were having a rough night and that you didn’t want to bother Kayleigh,” Bruce said by way of explanation for his visit; he’d never come up to Bucky’s space before. The only times he’d visited was when the scientist was by Kayleigh’s office and stepped in, or when he was taken to Bruce’s lab for any manner of medical testing to be done. They talked, and got along well, but neither had really made much of a true attempt at friendship with the other outside of that.

“Oh, uh, thanks,” Bucky stuttered out, accepting the hot cup before gesturing to his apartment. He wasn’t used to formalities and behaving around people who weren’t Kayleigh, truthfully. “Uh, make yourself at home.” 

“Thanks. Nice place, by the way,” Bruce said, picking up his own cup and settling onto a kitchen chair. Bucky moved to sit across from him, and warily blew on his own cup, knowing he’d probably burn his mouth if he took a drink from it yet. Bruce was like some kind of ninja master at not burning his tongue on hot drinks; Bucky had no idea how he did it. The man always had a near boiling cup of tea or coffee with him and it never seemed to faze him.

“Thanks, uh, Kayleigh organized it all for me,” he mumbled, unsure of what to say. Bruce nodded, and gave him a small smile. 

“Yeah, Tony wasn’t really impressed when she came up with the idea,” he allowed, and Bucky raised an eyebrow. He knew the guy wasn’t his biggest fan… but where else would he have lived. 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah. Well, originally Kay wanted you on her floor, so that you were close in case anything happened to you. Tony shut that down as quick as she could say it, and to be honest I think I agreed a little bit. We didn’t know if you were volatile or not and Tony wasn’t taking any risks with her safety. While I didn’t agree with what Tony wanted to do instead… this was a happy medium,” Bruce explained, and Bucky nodded. He knew his floor was essentially isolated from everybody else, and had extra security measures and reinforcement in the walls and whatever. But he hadn’t known Kayleigh had wanted him on her own floor so she could monitor him closer. 

“Yeah, I can’t complain,” he agreed. “I mean, it gets a little lonely, but I imagine a jail cell would be a hell of a lot worse.” 

“We wouldn’t have let them put you away,” Bruce quickly interjected. “It was easy to see you weren’t okay. Hell, even the day you came in everybody was shocked. They thought the Winter Soldier would only be brought down kicking and screaming… and instead it was like… like you were dead inside, almost. You didn’t say a word, when you let us find you. It wasn’t so obvious to Steve and Tony, but Natasha… she picked up on it right away. You got too sloppy too quickly; you wanted to come in but didn’t know how to turn yourself in so you made it easy for us to do it for you. God you were in rough shape.” 

Bucky didn’t remember much about that day, things were really, really foggy then. The Winter Soldier had been incredibly lost those months he spent on the run, basically living on base instinct to get by. He spent a lot of nights starving and cold, fearing for his life while trying to avoid HYDRA and SHIELD. He remembered hearing the vehicles all pull up, even though they were all about a block away from the little condemned house he’d holed up in. Heard the agents surround the house, knew where the sniper would be stationed to take him out. 

There was a small card table and a ramshackle chair that he’d been using as a kitchen table, and he had sat down there and waited for them. Everything he owned was on his back; two t-shirts, a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie and a jacket, and a ratted pair of jeans. The boots on his feet were all that was left from HYDRA and were in good shape. He’d ditched the rest of his gear somewhere – Steve and Natasha had ended up finding it he was sure, because he’d seen it in Stark’s labs being tested. Maybe he left it somewhere in that house, he didn’t know. 

The agents had swarmed, yelling orders and commands at him, and he’d simply sat there, until he was manhandled onto the floor. He’d grunted in pain as his cheek connected with linoleum, arms yanked to an unnatural angle behind his back, and everybody had panicked, before something like twelve guns were aimed at his head. Natasha barked at everyone, because he wasn’t resisting, and soon he was handcuffed, vibranium arm disabled, and in the back of a van. She’d offered him food, which he’d been too lost to accept even though his stomach had growled extensively at the thought of being filled. 

He remembered being stared at like a caged animal as he was walked into a SHIELD containment pod at the tower, and remembered everyone watching him, standing around talking while he was cuffed to a military grade hospital bed. 

And he remembered Kayleigh. Speaking to him like a human, not a weapon or an animal. Of her letting the restraint loose that was biting into the flesh of his wrist, and he remembered being terrified what the act of kindness meant. Maybe it was another trick. Maybe she was trying to give him a small sense of humanity before putting a bullet in his brain. He hadn’t been ready to die, even though there were many, many days as the soldier he would have welcomed it. Something about her threw him off, threw the soldier off. 

“You still with me?” Bruce asked, and Bucky jumped, splattering some of the hot liquid on his hand. He let out a hiss, before quickly shaking it off. 

“Sorry, stuck in my head,” 

“What about?” 

“The day I was brought in. What I remember of it, anyway,” Bucky mumbled, and Bruce nodded. 

“That was a rough day, for everybody. Natasha and Sam and the rest of us were worried about what you’d be like, about whether or not they were doing the right thing. Steve was torn to pieces because he hadn’t even truly come to terms with the fact you were alive yet, and then there you were in front of him, but a million miles away. Kayleigh hadn’t known what was going on until she came into the lab to assess you, but I think she saw something. She told us she did, anyway, and shot down everybody’s attempts to baby her. She made sure she went in to speak to you alone, and even though Tony chewed her out, _hard_ for untying you she stood beside her decision,” 

“I remember that. I was so fucking terrified it was another HYDRA trick, her showing me kindness, or that it meant she was about to put a bullet in my brain,” Bucky chuckled darkly, exposing the fact that it wasn’t meant as a joke. 

“I’m sure that whole day was a damn mess for you,” Bruce sighed, and Bucky nodded. 

“So were the next few. How long did I spend in that containment pod thing?” 

“I don’t remember, exactly. Kayleigh would know. She was the one who petitioned to get you the hell out of there until she talked Tony Stark’s ear off and he relented. Do you know the kind of talent it takes to talk the ear off of and irritate a Stark?” Bruce asked, and Bucky snorted. He’d known Howard, and if Tony was anything like that… Kayleigh had played the game well. 

“She can move mountains,” Bucky allowed, finally taking a careful sip of his tea. Bruce had even dumped a bunch of honey in it to sweeten it, which Bucky enjoyed.

“That she can,” Bruce agreed, and gave Bucky a knowing look. “So, want to tell me what happened tonight? And why you refused JARVIS’s offer to get Kayleigh like four or five times?” 

“I just… she needs to be with Steve, right now,” Bucky sighed, twisting the cup in his hands. “I didn’t want to bother her. It wouldn’t have helped, I don’t think.”

“How bad?” 

This was something he liked about Bruce. Bruce never pushed him to tell every minute detail of what he saw, and never judged. Instead, he liked if Bucky gave him a number out of ten, and then they could move on from there, Bucky saying as much or as little as he liked. Usually Bruce got most of the story out of him anyway, without having to try. 

“Like an eight,” Bucky whispered, closing his eyes tight against the things he’d seen that drug him from sleep. 

“Damn,” Bruce nodded, taking a sip of his own drink. “That’s rough. Anything set you off?” 

“I… shit…” how did he explain without outing his feelings? Was there a way to do so?

“They were the same as last night,” he said, and then groaned when he saw Bruce was expecting more explanation. “It wasn’t just… it wasn’t just HYDRA, this time.” 

“You have nightmares about other things?” Bruce asked, and Bucky’s cheeks heated up as he nodded. 

“I, uh, well, lately…” 

“You don’t have to tell me if you really don’t want to. I’m just trying to understand to help you,” Bruce insisted, and set his drink down before leaning forward. “I know what it’s like to feel like you’re being watched and poked and prodded at, I’m trying to not do that to you too.” 

“It’s about Kay,” Bucky whispered, feeling the need to level with Bruce after Bruce’s thoughtful disclosure. 

“You have nightmares about Kayleigh? Bucky, that’ll hurt her feelings,” Bruce teased lightly, and Bucky barked out a laugh before offering a shaky smile. 

“Not like that. I just… things are falling apart with her and Steve. I’m scared I’m the one that fucked it up. She said this morning… that they ended it. They aren’t trying anymore,” he said, and Bruce nodded. “I like her, Bruce. I shouldn’t but I do and now I’m ruining the best thing to ever happen to my best friend since I met the pipsqueak in 1923 and I saw… I kept having nightmares seeing his face. Of how upset and hurt and disappointed he was that things with Kay didn’t work. Of how I ruined his fucking life and that he’ll never want anything to do with me again. I tried to kill him, back on the helicarrier in DC whenever that was. I almost succeeded. I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting anything to do with me after all that, let alone adding this to the mix,” Bucky blurted it out, and saw Bruce looking thoughtful across the table from him. In an odd way a little weight was lifted from Bucky’s shoulders, but now he was petrified that somebody knew what was going on. 

“So you’re worried that you’re somehow coming between their relationship – which I don’t understand why you think that – and that you’re ruining what friendship you have with Steve over it? That’s giving you nightmares too?” Bruce asked, and Bucky’s cheeks burned hot as he nodded. Bruce knew that he suffered from some kind of severe anxiety though, so he tried to push away the guilt and embarrassment. They also liked to throw around the word PTSD, and while Kayleigh had explained it to him a million times he still struggled with understanding it as much as anything else.

“That mixed in with everything else. I see Steve’s face when I was falling off the train and it morphs and takes off into all of this… Sometimes it’s me trying to save Kay or Steve from falling and I can’t… and it kills me…” 

“Bucky, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re ridiculous,” Bruce said, and well, how could Bucky not take that the wrong way? 

“Ridiculous?” 

“Just hear me out. You have seen a lot of shit, a lot of it; I know. I get that. I wish it wasn’t true but it’s fact. And if that stuff didn’t haunt you in some way I’d be worried. Maybe you’d be a sociopath or something. But you’re not, you’re human and Kayleigh cares a lot about you, and she basically brags to all of us about all the progress you make. But out of all of those things… you’re getting nightmares over the _possibility_ that Steve and Kayleigh’s relationship ending had something to do with you. On the scale of things going on in your world that’s pretty minor. So what’s underneath all of that that’s really causing the nightmares?” Bruce asked, and Bucky felt like he’d just been sucker punched to the gut by the older man. 

But it made him think, it wasn’t just the events, it was what the events represented to him that made the nightmares so terrifying. 

“I think… Bruce I think it’s that I’m scared of being rejected. Of being alone again. Of losing Steve again, and losing Kayleigh. She’s kind of all I’ve got… I spend my days locked away in an apartment with little to no control over my life and I deserve worse than that but she still fights for me and helps me and says Steve wants the same. I think… I think I’m scared of losing them. Of them seeing me for the monster I was made into and losing hope and abandoning me. Of hurting the people I care about more than I already have,” Bucky whispered, and Bruce nodded. 

“You’re scared of bigger things, and they’re things we all deal with. Abandonment, fear, shame, guilt, trauma… those are all things you’ve had more than your fair share of. Losing Steve and Kayleigh, hurting them… to you that’s like losing your lifelines, isn’t it?” 

“Without them what else is there?” Bucky asked, and Bruce shrugged. 

“You could get better. Find a new life. Help people,” Bruce told him, but Bucky barked out a harsh laugh. 

“How’s that going to work? I’m the goddamn Winter Soldier; I’m a criminal and an assassin. I don’t even exist, as far as the world knows. I’m a ghost story. I can’t just walk into a store and ask for a job somewhere because I don’t even understand how this goddamn time _works_ Bruce! I’m hopeless! There is no new life, there is no second chance for someone like me! Sometimes I wonder why Stark didn’t just take me out in the first place! I deserved it! I sure as hell earned it! I’m on borrowed time and we all know it!” he snapped, and then flinched when he realized he had just snapped at the goddamn Hulk. How he wasn’t mashed to a pulp already astounded him as he shot Bruce an apologetic glance. 

“So that’s what it is, really,” Bruce said, and Bucky furrowed his brows, confused at what he was hearing. 

“Huh?” 

“It’s not even the abandonment, or the guilt or shame. It’s beyond that, Bucky. These nightmares? It’s about life. Getting a chance at another one you aren’t sure you deserve. You feel like if you lose Steve and Kayleigh you lose this new lease on life, that it’ll somehow disappear. And whatever you’ve manifested in your mind to make you the cause of what’s going on in their lives has become so powerful that you’re afraid everything hinges on what you did or didn’t do. You need to breathe, Bucky,” 

Bucky froze, feeling too exposed and unsheltered for this kind of conversation. He hadn’t expected Banner to get so deep with him; he was used to Kayleigh simply soothing and comforting him when shit like this happened, only pushing when she felt she could. He knew he wasn’t going to get coddled with Bruce, but he hadn’t expected to be thrown under the bus either. 

“And so the fact that you have feelings for Kayleigh just intensifies all of this fear, because you have more to lose. Bucky, for the first time since you fell off that train, you have something to lose, and something to fight for. I know it’s scary but you should be happy about that. You do deserve this second chance, you know,” Bruce insisted. 

“Not if I’m ruining their lives,” Bucky quietly argued. 

“You aren’t. To be honest? We all saw this coming a mile away. She told you they dated before, right? They don’t work. They just don’t. I can’t explain it; neither can science or even the two of them. That happened completely independently of you. You didn’t see it because you didn’t get the chance to experience their patterns. Now you have something to live for that isn’t the next mission and it’s overwhelming and painful and new and scary, especially because you feel like you aren’t worthy of the chance, let alone these other things that are happening, like caring for someone. Maybe we should’ve had a different therapist working with you, maybe it would’ve helped and maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe we should’ve got you a hamster or something, because then you have something depending on you to help get you out of bed in the morning and going on, instead of something that’s… uncertain, like this. But regardless you have to play the cards you’ve been dealt. We all do,” Bruce shrugged, and Bucky just sat there, stunned into silence. He even felt his jaw go slack and his mouth fall open but couldn’t be bothered to shut it. Bruce was smart – he was a damn genius as far as Bucky was concerned – but this was a whole other thing. And it was petrifying. 

“You wanted to get me a hamster?” he finally asked, not ready or willing to sort it all out with Banner at the moment anyways. Bruce chuckled and shrugged. Bucky knew the older man recognized it was a side step of the main issue they were confronting, but thankfully Bruce let it slide.

“Hamster, gerbil, fish… whatever. It’s a proven method with those who have PTSD or survivor’s guilt or a myriad of other disorders. I have two cats. I’m actually more of a dog person, but cats are easier,” Bruce explained, and Bucky nodded. He’d heard about the cats, but didn’t know they were any kind of treatment or therapy.   
“But I mean, there’s so many other people, if you like dogs why not just get a dog?” Bucky asked, and Bruce actually laughed. 

“Because a dog is a lot more commitment. Ask Clint about that even,” Bruce said. “With the cat, I could leave for a weekend and just have somebody check in and make sure it’s okay. A dog needs to be looked after all the time. So I mean if a code green happened somewhere and I needed a few days it was easy for Nat to just check in on the cat without placing the responsibility on another person. I liked having Felix so much that I got a second cat.” 

Bucky simply sat there and nodded, mulling everything over. It was a lot to take in, but he knew that when Bruce initially became the Hulk the people in the tower who were now his friend treated him much the same way that Bucky was being treated now. Just friendly enough to make a point, distant enough to make sure if something had to be done they could do it for the safety of everybody else. But Bruce had come so far; Bucky hoped maybe he could do the same. 

“So you’re saying I should get a cat?” he asked, stifling a yawn. Bruce cracked up laughing, before running a hand through his hair. Bucky was getting tired, quickly, and he wondered if there wasn’t something more to this tea than met the eye.

“No, bad call. First of all, I don’t think you want or need any other responsibilities right now, especially not like that. Second, I can tell you don’t seem to like the idea of a cat. Third, if you really like Kayleigh and all, she’s more of a dog person too. But right now? Start small,” Bruce responded with a wink that made Bucky blush from head to toe. 

“So you’re saying I should get a dog?” he asked, and Bruce shrugged. 

“When you’re ready,” was all the answer he got. “But I think right now you need some sleep.” 

“What did you slip me?” Bucky asked, staggering slightly as he stood up. Bruce grimaced, and helped the younger brunet stumble to his bedroom. Bruce eased him down onto his mattress, and as if Bucky were a child pulled the hoodie over his head to set on the dresser before basically tucking the Winter Soldier in. If Bucky had been awake enough to think about it he’d have found it ironic and embarrassing. The Hulk tucking in the Winter Soldier. It was like a children’s book gone crazy.

“Well, some of the stuff I take when I feel like I can’t shut my brain down. I figured since you’re a super soldier you could handle some… I may have over estimated. Sorry about that,” Bruce apologized, but Bucky shook his head. The feeling was overwhelming, but in the way that told Bucky he was going to have one of those blackout sleeps. The kind of sleep that came without dreams. The kind he needed. 

“’s okay, I forgive you…” he mumbled, out as soon as Bruce turned out the light.


	49. Chapter 49

“Ready to go?” Kayleigh called from the living room. She’d ended up over at his apartment earlier than she’d meant to, and Bucky was still getting ready. He’d slept hard after Bruce had slipped him whatever it was and had slept in a little. Bucky had been out of the shower, but wanted to shave and had nothing on but the towel around his waist. He’d tried to shrug it off, act like it didn’t matter because she’d seen him like that before – hell, she’d seen him in nothing more than a thin pair of underwear plastered to him under the showerhead – and asked if she would open the compartment to give him access to the razor. She was currently arguing with Stark about letting JARVIS decide when Bucky could access it as well, but Lord knew that would take a while. 

So she’d made herself at home, playing on her phone while he got ready. It had embarrassed him; making a lady wait on him getting ready to go, but she’d assured him she was early and that there was no rush. He’d taken care to shave his face as neatly as he could, inspecting his work for a moment before rinsing off the excess shaving cream and patting his skin dry. The spring weather meant his cheeks didn’t get so flaky, so he didn’t bother putting any of the lotion on before sprinting across the short hall to his bedroom to try and avoid Kayleigh seeing him in just the towel any more than she had to. 

It was getting dressed that was causing him some distress. He had the jeans on, excited to be dressed like a normal person, but it was trying to figure out how to put an outfit together that bothered him. Bucky had no idea of what was normal, or what looked good. He’d spent his entire time at the tower in sweats and a t-shirt, without much thought process required. The last time he’d worn anything that remotely resembled being in style was 1942, and things had sure changed a lot since then.

Finally, he admitted defeat, and called to Kayleigh, even though he knew he’d be embarrassed out of his mind. 

“What’s… wrong?” she paused for a moment, and Bucky hoped he didn’t imagine her eyes trailing across his bare torso for just an instant before they snapped back up to his face, her cheeks heating up as well. The jeans hung a little lower than anything he was used to; the waistband of his boxers nearly peaked out over the top, and the heavy material sat just hardly above his hips. In other words he was exposed, and they both knew it.

“I don’t… don’t know what to wear,” he mumbled, and saw her relax. 

“You can wear whatever you want, Buck,” she told him, putting a hand on his bicep. Her palm was warm against his skin, and he knew she’d probably raised some goose bumps, his body reacting to her even if he was trying to fight it. 

“No, I mean, I don’t want to look ridiculous,” he tried again, but she merely chuckled and smiled. 

“You won’t – I mean it,” she repeated, and then opened the drawer that held his shirts a little wider. “That’s the best part about jeans; you can literally wear anything with them. You can wear a t-shirt and be casual, you can wear a sweater and look a little more put together, or you can even wear a button-down and dress them up. You literally can’t go wrong.” 

The idea that one pair of pants could cover all those bases puzzled him a bit, but he let out a long breath and nodded. He could work with that; Bucky just needed the reassurance. 

“Okay,” 

“I’ll be in the kitchen,” she told him, and walked back out of his room. His eyes kept wandering back to the red shirt with the three-quarter sleeves; it was one he’d worn a lot before the surgery. Kayleigh had a sweater in the same red, and he wondered if he’d been drawn to it initially because it felt like he had a bit of a shield around him. Like Kayleigh could comfort him just through the fabric, when his mind had still been a distorted mess. Sometimes he felt detached from the person who’d been at the tower previous to the surgery; Bucky didn’t always understand the things he’d done, or wasn’t always able to decipher the thoughts he’d had, and the connection to the shirt was one of those things. But he felt pulled towards putting it on when he had a gross day or was unsure of himself all the same.

The fabric was still incredibly soft between his fingers, so he removed it from the hanger and pulled it over his head, before walking to the doorway of his bedroom and taking a quick peak at himself in the bathroom mirror. The shirt was almost baggy in a few spots; which only showed off the weight he’d lost not training in the tower. Slowly but surely he was working at getting it back, but there was a still a lot of progress to be made. After pulling on a pair of socks he walked back into the bathroom to comb his hair, and then finally walked out to see what Kayleigh thought. 

“Wow Barnes, do you ever clean up well,” she teased as soon as he was in sight, and Bucky was blushing again. 

“I look okay?” he tried to hide how much her answer would mean to him, but he knew his voice betrayed him. Kayleigh’s eyes moved over him, taking in his outfit slowly for a moment before she was smiling. 

“Look like you walked right off of the cover of a magazine,” she reassured him, and he felt a little of the tension leaving his shoulders. He doubted he looked that good, but a compliment from Kayleigh was a guarantee that she meant it, so he would take what he could get. 

“Okay, let’s go,” he pulled on the shoes for the first time, marveling at the fact that he _could_ have such things, and then slid into the jacket Kayleigh had found for him last week when she’d initially bought the jeans. She had waited to surprise him with them, but had bought him a thinner windbreaker jacket for the spring weather. It was the beginning of May, and while the wind was still enough to warrant wearing something, the winter jacket she’d originally got him wasn’t necessary anymore. 

They took the elevator down to the car park, and Bucky could feel the difference in the air; it wasn’t the air-conditioned or heated, processed air he’d been immersed in for the past six or seven months; this was fresh. It was natural. It felt like somebody had breathed oxygen into his lungs for the first time in far too long. Kayleigh looked over at him and had noticed, giving him a smile and putting her hand on his forearm in a gesture of sympathy. She understood exactly what he was experiencing, and knew she didn’t have to say anything about it. 

Soon they were taking a semi-familiar route, but Bucky couldn’t help but continue to gape out the window at the city going by. It was weird, because it was familiar but strange at the same time. There were parts or places he remembered; like certain street names or neighborhoods that Kayleigh mentioned, while other things seemed completely foreign to him. Places he should have known that were now renovated or rebuilt or modernized, or ones he knew she’d driven him past before but were too foggy to recall. Kayleigh kept up steady commentary for him because she could tell he was excited about it. 

“So… do you remember coming here?” Bucky recognized the bakery the moment they had parked out front of it, and got the warm, fuzzy feeling in his stomach that told him half-him – what he’d taken to calling the programmed, mess of a person he’d been after turning himself in but before the surgery – had loved coming here as best as he could. His emotions had definitely been mangled before the surgery, but he was learning to recognize what he could of the parts he didn’t understand from before. HYDRA had messed with him for so long and dehumanized him to the point that he could remember things that happened to him but trying to discern what he’d actually felt during the memories was more difficult. 

“Yeah, I remember looking forward to it a lot,” he nodded, eyes trained on the glass window front, mouth all but watering from the baked goods on display. He shot Kayleigh a smile, trying to be a little smoother. “But I’m not positive if that was for getting out of the apartment or spending time with you.” 

She seemed surprised for a second, before she let out a bit of a giggle and looked away as her cheeks got a hint of pink in them. The light was pouring in through her window, bringing out the caramel and soft brown tones in her blonde hair, and making flecks of gold come out in her chocolate colored eyes. She looked prettier than the girls in the pictures that he and Steve used to sneak into in the thirties; back when neither of them could afford to spend money on a movie ticket they used to sneak in and sit in the very back row so they could run out quickly before any attendants could catch them. 

“Well, I’m glad you liked it,” she told him with a soft smile, and he returned it before she opened her door to get out. Bucky followed suit, being careful to avoid the slushy puddle that sat between Kayleigh’s car and the sidewalk. Most of the snow was gone, but New York had always held onto the weird slush longer than he’d thought was necessary. 

He followed her inside, and vaguely remembered the staff that was standing behind the counter. One woman was staring at him openly, which made him immediately become self-conscious. Kayleigh noticed immediately, and grabbed onto his arm for emotional support. 

“Hey, look who it is! We haven’t seen either of you in a while,” Sandy’s grin was broad once she pulled herself together. Kayleigh nodded, and looked up at Bucky with an expression he could only call pride. He smiled back, trying to let her know how happy he was about the reaction and the look she gave him. 

“Yeah, I know – it has been a while. But it’s nice to be back,” Kayleigh agreed, and without a word having to be said Bucky gravitated toward the display case, muscle memory seeming to take over. 

“How’s progress been? He sure looks different than the last time you guys were here,” he could hear her speaking to Kayleigh, trying to keep her voice down. He wondered how many times she’d asked Kayleigh questions about him and he’d been too invested in the orders she’d given him to notice. Anytime he paid attention to something that he wasn’t supposed to he was punished, so it was second nature for him to tune out everything around him and focus on whatever instructions he’d been given. But he felt his skin getting warm when he realized that he hadn’t known anything about anybody here but they were invested in him. 

“Bucky’s made incredible progress; it’s like he’s himself again,” Kayleigh agreed, and then shot him another happy smile. He returned it, before looking over to the man who he remembered with that same feeling. He would sometimes slip Bucky an extra éclair if things went really well, and that made him chuckle. 

“So, what are you thinking for today?” he asked, and Bucky grinned over at him. 

“Uh… a couple of those,” he pointed to the Boston Cream’s vaguely remembering Stark making a comment about it. He seemed surprised before grinning from ear to ear and doing as Bucky said. It only took him a few moments, racking his brain to try and remember if anybody made comments about favorite kinds or not. 

He was down to the last few, not sure of what exactly he should do, and his eyes raked over the display case before he grinned and raised an eyebrow at Kayleigh. She was watching him with interest, and he turned back to Randy behind the counter. There were doughnuts with blue icing, and red and white sprinkles. He’d seen ones like that in London, not very long after Steve had rescued him from HYDRA in Azzano. It made him laugh and think of better things, and he asked Randy to put two of them in the box for him. Maybe Steve would recognize it and understand what he meant, maybe not. He hadn’t been ready to face Steve, but now he was wondering if he should have anyway. He missed the blonde kid from Brooklyn he spent almost his entire childhood protecting and chumming around with.

“Of course, sounds good,” was the happy response, and Bucky gave him a smile before looking over at Kayleigh. She was engrossed in conversation, and he caught Randy’s eye, gave him a wink, and very gently tapped the glass in front of the red velvet cupcakes. He remembered Kayleigh not being able to eat donuts, and that red velvet was her favorite. Randy winked back and soon was boxing one up for her as well, knowing Kayleigh hadn’t seen their exchange. With that he walked back over to Kayleigh’s side. She paid for the donuts, and then stopped dead when Randy put down the two boxes of donuts with the single-sized cupcake box on top she turned to look at him. 

“You remembered?” she asked, and he nodded, before putting an arm around her shoulder quickly and squeezing her for a moment. She seemed to be a little overwhelmed by the gesture.

“Of course,” he replied, and then took the boxes so she didn’t have to worry about them. 

“It was nice to see you guys,” Sandy called, and Bucky managed a small wave, careful to keep his left hand beneath the boxes of pastries so nobody would see it or stare at him. Kayleigh constantly tried to reassure him that the metal hand wasn’t a big deal, but that didn’t change his insecurities about it. The arm marked him as something different, less than human. Abnormal. A killer. And he didn’t like people seeing it in case they didn’t understand the way Kayleigh did.

“You too!” Kayleigh called, and walked back to the car with her arms around Bucky’s left one, almost leaning on him for support. 

“You okay?” he asked once they were in the car. Kayleigh nodded, shooting him a smile, but he noticed her eyes were a little watery. 

“I am, it’s just… I know you tell me that you remember things from before the surgery but that they’re off… I just… I didn’t expect something like this to…” 

He pulled her into a hug, being mindful of the boxes sitting on his lap, letting her work through the emotion she was experiencing. Bucky could smell the soft and fruity scent of her shampoo as she buried her face against his neck. He liked it, the feeling of her depending on him for something, and he pressed a quick kiss to her temple, not sure if she even felt the brush of his lips. 

With that something caught his eye, and as if sucked back into his conversation with Bruce the night before, Bucky felt his face light up slightly. Kayleigh obviously noticed because soon she was looking at him funny, before she realized exactly _what_ he was looking at

“Kay… Kay can we stop and look? Please?” he asked, and while Kayleigh eyeballed him she nodded, insisting that they had to put the boxes of donuts in the car first. Hurrying as quickly as possible to do as she said, Bucky was soon back beside her, nearly vibrating standing in front of the pet shop window.

“Why your sudden interest?” she asked, and Bucky checked himself as he held open the door for her, wondering how to explain without giving his shitty night away to her. 

“Was talking with Bruce. He said if I get better I can get a pet, said it might help,” he relayed, and heard the tingling of the bell above the door, and was met with a cacophony of noises; squawking, meowing, barking, and more that immediately assaulted Bucky’s senses. It was almost too much, but his excitement soon overwhelmed everything else was going on. 

“Look! Kay look!” he gushed, and missed the way Kayleigh’s expression crumpled as she took in the sight of him cooing over a bunch of hamsters.

“What are these? They’re so little,” he squeaked, and after double checking the sign reached in so very slowly and carefully before plucking a little white and orange colored hamster and holding it in his hand. 

“They’re hamsters, dwarf ones I think,” she explained, coming to stand beside him and take in the sight that was the ominous Winter Soldier cuddling up a dwarf hamster. 

“They’re so _tiny_ …” he lifted his hand to show her and Kayleigh smiled and nodded at him, stroking the little hamster’s head as it sniffed around Bucky’s right hand. It was soon cleaning itself up, and Bucky cooed at it again before setting it back down and watching it scurry around with the other hamsters. 

“They are,” she nodded, before Kayleigh tugged on Bucky’s arm, and redirected his attention. 

“Bucky, look,” Kayleigh whispered, and Bucky’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. 

“Oh my _God_ ,” he gasped, and soon was in front of the little pen where four puppies were up on their hind legs at the glass, yipping, barking and begging for any attention they could get. Bucky could feel his heart breaking; this maybe wasn’t as good of an idea as he’d thought. The idea had been to go in, look, maybe see if Bucky actually _liked_ cats that weren’t living on the street or only looking for the occasional scratch from a passerby. That had been his limited experience with felines growing up as a kid in Brooklyn, his own parents never wanting a pet inside the house, and then Rebecca, his Ma and he had lived in an apartment that didn’t allow pets. But now? Now he wanted… no, _needed_ , to take one of these puppies home. 

“Bucky… oh Buck,” Kayleigh sighed, and he could hear it in her voice even as he stepped over the glass and sat down in the middle of the pen, immediately assaulted by little tongues and cold noses and wagging tails. She knew exactly what was going through his head, and knew he couldn’t take one home.

“But Kay…” he did his best to turn his blue eyes up to her the same way the little puppy on his lap was for all his attention, before he slowly picked up the pup and held it out to her. 

“How can you say no to this?” he asked, lip stuck out as far as he could make it. He could see Kayleigh’s resolve folding in front of him, and felt his chest warm up at the little pup wriggling and trying to lick at his face while whining. He pulled the pup back in close against him, where it immediately snuggled in and tried to lick every exposed bit of his neck and chin in thanks.

“Oh god, Bucky… please doesn’t do this. We both know you’re not quite ready for a dog, let alone a puppy,” she sighed, stepping over the barrier and settling down beside him. “I would love to get you a puppy, but then you have to worry about training a puppy and the constant care… and what happened if something went south?” 

She topped her words off with running a hand through his hair, even as he felt his shoulders droop. He cuddled the puppy back in against his side, feeling like his heart was breaking. Even though he knew Kayleigh was one hundred percent right. He knew it before he even walked in the door… Bucky had forgot how cute puppies were. And apparently how big his soft spot for cute things was.

“I’m so sorry Bucky… he’s adorable. As soon as we can, I’ll take you to pick out a puppy, okay?” she quietly promised, and with a sigh he nodded. It truly was for the best, as painful as it was.

“Yeah, I get it,” 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and Bucky couldn’t help it, he leaned his head against her shoulder as he cuddled the little black and white, scruffy puppy against his cheek, Vibranium hand carefully scratching behind it’s ears. It’s tail beat a steady rhythm against his bicep, and Bucky chanced a glance up and saw that Kayleigh’s expression looked as broken as he felt. 

“I know, I didn’t… the plan wasn’t to be heartbroken wanting to take one home,” he admitted, and felt Kayleigh’s hand gently rubbing at his back. 

“It never is, but then you see their adorable little faces and…” she patted the little mutt who made a happy sound and snuggled further into the crook of Bucky’s arm. 

“I know little guy, I know…” Bucky could’ve almost cried, knowing how it felt to feel like you were being abandoned for some reason you didn’t understand, and Kayleigh obviously understood. 

“I’m sorry bud… I can’t take you home,” he sighed, and set the puppy down. There was some whining and scrambling to try and get back up, but Bucky sadly rebuffed the little puppy. Kayleigh got up and went and talked to the sales associate, and soon was back. Bucky slowly extricated himself and was standing outside of the pen, wishing and wishing he could take _all_ them home. Surely Steve would want one? Bruce maybe? 

“Don’t worry, they’ll find good homes Buck, and Tony will help make sure of it,” she reassured him, before helping him up to his feet and then the two of them made a quick tour through the store. There were a few budgies singing that caught Bucky’s attention, but not the same way that the puppy had.

“No birds, please,” Kayleigh shuddered, and Bucky raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to explain as they made their way past. He thought they were interesting. 

“Birds scare me… and they just… poop everywhere…” she grimaced, and Bucky nodded. It made sense.

“I see,” he nodded, doing all he could not to look at the little brown eyes that were following he and Kayleigh around the store. It was more than he could bear.

“Let’s get back to the tower, okay?” she nodded, sitting up properly and tucking her hair behind her ears. They still had to get donuts back to everybody and before their Avengers meeting started, otherwise Bruce would tease him about it.

“Sounds good Buck,”


	50. Chapter 50

“Can… is it okay if I don’t take them in?” he asked, and Kayleigh stopped in her tracks, giving him a funny look. He was a little self-conscious about it, but thankfully Kayleigh didn’t seem like she was going to question him about it. 

“Yeah, sure. Everything all right?” 

“I just… please?” he tried to tell her with his eyes that it was important, not sure if he was going to be able to say it out loud. He wasn’t supposed to be scared shitless of being face to face with Steve again. He was excited about the prospect, but it was the idea that Steve couldn’t deal with the mess his life had been for the past how many decades that scared him. Steve had always been such a good person; Bucky couldn’t blame him if Steve wasn’t able to accept him, but that didn’t make the thought hurt any less. 

“Of course, Buck. Then wanna go back to your apartment and hang out? We can talk?” she asked, taking the boxes of donuts from his hands. She set them down on the desk, before taking out the éclair – which she knew was his favorite – and put it in the box with her cupcake, before she settled the two boxes in the boardroom where everybody would have their debriefing meeting in about a half an hour. Bucky was standing awkwardly outside of the doorway, shuffling from side to side, keeping his head down. A few people kept looking at him, and while Bucky didn’t realize it, Kayleigh noticed that the looks he seemed to be garnering were from some of the ladies going by. Bucky looked sharp dressed up, because he was handsome to start with, on top of looking cleaned up. 

“Let’s go,” he nodded and followed Kayleigh as they weaved down the hallway and to the elevator. 

Bucky was nervous the whole way, trying to hide the ticks and fidgeting that he knew he was doing. He kept putting his hands into his pockets and pulling them back out, running his human hand through his hair. Kayleigh kept throwing him glances but didn’t bother to say a word about it until they were inside of his apartment and the door was closed. 

“Come on, spit it out,” she turned around and put a hand on her hip, and Bucky was floundering for an answer for her as he shrugged out of his jacket and shoes.

“I, I just…” 

“Buck, come on,” she insisted, and he let out a groan as he walked past her to collapse on his couch. 

“Kay…” 

“Buck,” 

“I just… I’m scared that Steve won’t want anything to do with me. I’ve done a lot of terrible things,” he sighed, and looked over at Kayleigh who was watching him carefully. “I… I want to see him but I’m not sure he’d think the same.” 

“Oh Bucky,” his name fell from her lips, and then she was on the couch beside him, an arm around his shoulders. 

“Steve has been dying to see you since you came in. He just… he’s as scared as you are. He wants so badly for things to be normal between the two of you but he’s really afraid that he’s being selfish about it. So he’s stayed away; he tells me it’s because he didn’t want to overwhelm you or cause you any pain before the surgery, and then that you needed to get things straightened out for yourself after, but really he’s just terrified you won’t be his Bucky or want anything to do with him,” she explained, and Bucky felt the knot in his chest loosening up. 

“Really?” 

“Of course Bucky, how could you think anything different?” she asked, and ran her hand through his hair. 

“I just—”

Bucky’s words were cut off by some kind of commotion outside of his apartment door. It was so unexpected that Bucky had jumped off the couch and was blocking Kayleigh with his body before either of them realized what he was doing. He knew odds were that there wasn’t a threat to her safety; but he wasn’t going to take any chances on it. 

“Dr. Stone, requesting permission for a guest into Mr. Barnes’ quarters,” JARVIS spoke up in the apartment, and Kayleigh put a hand on Bucky’s arm as she stood up. 

“Yes JARVIS,” she answered, and with an audible click the door unlocked. 

It swung open, and Bucky felt himself freeze when he saw it was Steve on the other side of the door. Red, white and blue donut still in his hand, and a look of disbelief on his face as he stood in the doorway. 

“Buck… I… you’re…”

“Steve,” he choked out the name of his best friend, and then was wrapped up in a hug by the super soldier. Steve held him as tight as he could, trying to keep both of them from losing to the tears threatening them. It had been far too long since they’d been together, and both been all right. Lifetimes had passed since then.   
“You’re okay… you remember me?” 

“Of course I remember you punk,” Bucky informed him, and Steve let out a raspy chuckle as neither of them moved to pull away. Bucky felt Kayleigh’s hand softly on his back, before he realized she was leaving the apartment to give them some space. 

“I was so worried—”

“I was scared, Steve. That you wouldn’t want to see me,” he softly admitted, and then Steve stepped back, blue eyes searching Bucky’s face and making him even more embarrassed and tongue tied than he already was. “I’ve done terrible things, Steve. I tried to _kill_ you, it’s not like I’d have blamed you for not wanting anything to do with me.” 

“How could you say that Buck? It wasn’t you; you didn’t have a choice. I know that,” he insisted, and then squeezed Bucky tight again. 

“But I still did it,” Bucky whispered, and took a deep breath as he closed his eyes against the ghosts that still tormented him and followed him around. The look on Steve’s face when he shot him was one that hurt the worst.

“You didn’t have a choice,” Steve reiterated, and gave Bucky a hard pat on the shoulder. The smile he got in return was a weak one, but it was a smile. Steve hadn’t seen one on Bucky since World War Two, and even those ones had been sketchy at best out on the front. 

“It’s good to have you back, Buck. I mean, Kayleigh’s kept me updated best she could, but—”

“But it’s not the same,” Bucky agreed, and they settled into comfortable conversation, talking about unimportant things to catch up with one another. Bucky was raptured by anything Steve told him about him trying to learn the modern world, and the bits and pieces about his work that weren’t classified to talk about. Obviously, there was a lot Bucky shouldn’t be told, seeing as he wasn’t exactly considered one of the ‘good guys’ by the general public or the government, but Steve told him what he could, which was usually the exciting parts Bucky wanted to hear about. The fights, the strategy, the stuff that they’d bonded over that made them even closer friends and better teammates back in the Commandos. 

Bucky wasn’t even sure how much time had passed before he realized Kayleigh hadn’t come back, and Steve noticed it immediately, the tell-tale grin coming to his face. Bucky hadn’t seen that grin since they were in Brooklyn, seeing as there hadn’t been many opportunities for it after Steve was turned super-soldier and shipped out. 

“Looking for Kay?” he asked, and Bucky felt his face heat up immensely. 

“I… Steve…” 

“It’s okay Buck, I know,” he chuckled, and Bucky felt his jaw hang slack. How on earth could Steve know? Did Kayleigh? Did Kayleigh find out and tell Steve?

“Come on, I’ve known you since we were kids… it’s pretty obvious to me when Bucky Barnes is carrying a torch for someone,” he smirked, and Bucky hung his head. He was ready for the backlash of his feelings, even if he wasn’t looking forward to it. The Steve from his nightmares was suddenly on the inside of his eyelids, screaming and crying at him.

“I’m sorry Steve, I mean, I know that you and Kay—”

“We aren’t together anymore, Buck. We… we talked it all out; we’re okay. I understand. You can’t help who you like,” he immediately reassured Bucky, but it did nothing to ease the guilt in his stomach. Steve was always the first to push something off as nothing even if it ate away at him. Bucky had seen it far too many times to fall for it.

“No, Steve it’s… she’s your girl, and I think I helped fuck that up on you even though I didn’t mean to. That’s not fair,” he argued, but Steve shook his head. 

“You didn’t do a damn thing, Buck. All you did was help both of us realize that it probably was never gonna work,” 

“Steve, she told me what you said! About how… about how you two could get married an’ buy a place in the suburbs, have kids an’ the whole bit. I can’t… Steve I could never ruin that for you. That’s all you’ve ever wanted, and especially with a girl like her,” he argued, feeling the knot tightening in his chest at the thought of Kay with anybody else, but knowing he had to do the right thing. Redemption was a hard road, his mother had said once, but it was worth it. If the amount of pain Bucky was feeling telling his best friend that he would sacrifice a chance with this girl to right things between them was any indication, he was taking a step in the right direction.

“Buck, listen to me. Yes, I said Kay and I could do it. Easily, even… but do you remember Mr. and Mrs. Klauf from two streets over when we were kids?” he asked, and while it took Bucky a while to rack his brains he slowly nodded. 

“What about them?” 

“Kay and I would have turned into them, if we got married. They loved each other, of course they did; Johnny and Barbara knew it, but they also knew their parents weren’t exactly happy. They made a respectable choice and married each other because they knew they’d never hurt each other, but they weren’t really in love. They weren’t right for each other, and it began to wear on them eventually. I don’t want that, and I don’t want that for Kay either,” Steve explained, and Bucky swallowed hard. 

“I don’t even know why I worry about it… I mean… why would a girl like her ever give someone like me a chance anyway?” Bucky muttered, but was surprised when Steve laughed beside him. It wasn’t just a chuckle; it turned into an honest to God laugh from somewhere deep in Steve’s belly. He was almost in tears over it.

“You’re oblivious, you know that? Buck, you used to have like a radar for girls who were the slightest bit interested in you,” Steve teased, and Bucky shoved at him, wincing after he realized he’d used his left hand to do so. But Steve didn’t seem taken aback by it, so he didn’t make a comment. 

“Of course Kay likes you, she wouldn’t have been so worked up over everything if she didn’t, even if she maybe doesn’t know it,” Steve told him, and Bucky could only stare at him. “She’s… she’s amazing Buck. The kind of woman either of our Ma’s would have only dreamed of us finding. But I figured it out, after she’d talked to me. Me and Kay are only supposed to be best friends, we’re like family. And I think the reason why is because of you.” 

“Because of me? Steve, I told you I can’t—”

“Hear me out. Think about it, if we’d met her under, you know, normal circumstances, who would’ve asked her out?” 

“Well, probably me, because you always got tongue-tied around a pretty girl,” Bucky admitted, both of them cracking a small smile at the comment. 

“And you know what? I would have been over the moon to see you going with a girl like her. She would have been the girl who could come over for dinner and not mind if I was there, or if she invited you over she’d tell you to bring me along so I wasn’t alone. I wouldn’t have had to be a third wheel because she’d make sure I felt like part of the group, because we’re best friends. I can call her my best friend and talk to her about anything because she’s an amazing person, but that would never affect her relationship with someone else, or vice versa. Buck she’s the girl you would’ve put your grandma’s ring on because she’s all the things you wanted but couldn’t find,” Steve’s voice was soft and a little hoarse as he finished his explanation, the words rocking both of them to their core. Bucky had always been proud that his grandfather had given him his grandma’s ring after she’d passed, so that when he found the right girl he could propose with it. However, for all the girls he’d gone with before the war, there was never one he’d even considered for it. It had been left with his Ma when he shipped out, and Bucky had no idea what had happened to it after that.

“You really think so Steve? You’re not just saying that because you don’t want to admit that it hurts?” Bucky whispered, and Steve nodded. 

“I know so. Of course it hurts, Buck; Kay’s perfect. She’s amazing. But we aren’t in love. We love each other, but Kay and I love each other the way I love you; like a best friend, or like family. But with you… Buck I can see you’re head over heels for her, and she deserves a good guy like you,” 

Steve knew the instant the words were out of his mouth something was wrong, Bucky could tell. He couldn’t help the way he deflated at his friends’ words, the dark feeling seeping into his chest, settling into his heart. He knew Kayleigh deserved the world, and while he appreciated what Steve was saying he wasn’t sure that Steve was right. 

“I’m not a good guy Steve, I’m… I’m the Winter Soldier,” he choked out, and ran his hands through his hair in a rough gesture meant to cause him just enough pain to take his mind off of it rather than push any stray hairs into place. Steve’s hand was immediately on his metal wrist, knowing exactly what he was doing, and kept Bucky from doing so. 

“You are a good guy Bucky, and she knows it,” Steve insisted, and Bucky raised an eyebrow at him. 

“I’ve murdered people, Steve. Cold blooded murder. I’ve watched as people begged for mercy and I strangled or shot or punched or whatever-ed them to death,” he flatly reminded him, and saw Steve’s grin falter slightly. 

“And you didn’t have any choice in the matter. We both know if you’d had any choice you wouldn’t have done it,” Steve wrapped an arm around Bucky’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze before letting go. 

They sat quietly for a few minutes, each of them immersed in their own thoughts and happy to simply be in each other’s company again. They used to spend so much time together that words were never necessary; they both were so good at reading each other’s mind’s and body language that they could almost communicate totally without having to actually speak. It was something Bucky had feared would disappear after seventy years apart, of leading a totally different path. But in reality, they’d probably only been ‘awake’ and apart something like seven years, and Bucky was beyond grateful that they still had some sense of each other like this.

“So, think you’ll do anything about it?” Steve finally asked, and Bucky raised an eyebrow as he looked over to his blonde friend. 

“About what?” 

“You being sweet on Kay,” he grinned, and Bucky let out a groan as he playfully pushed at his friend. 

“Get off it,” 

“I’m serious Buck. You need a gal like that,” Steve continued to tease, and then ruffled up Bucky’s hair the way Bucky used to do to Steve all the time when he was almost a full foot shorter. The reversal of their roles was odd but still felt like it made sense; the familiarity was definitely welcome.

“Steve,” 

“You know it well as I do Buck; your Ma would have proposed for you if she’d ever got her hands on Kay,” 

“I know! I know, we were joking about it after her parents had been out,” Bucky laughed, still half-assed wrestling with Steve while they teased back and forth. Steve was just as goofy as he was, and it was like they’d fallen back in time to 1939. Even if it seemed odd and maybe a little forced to Bucky that Steve was pushing him to do something about his feelings for Kayleigh. After all, they’d only ended their whatever it was something like the day before. Steve always did try to cover up his feelings if he thought he could help someone else. 

“She told you about her parents?” Steve asked, and Bucky nodded. Steve seemed a little surprised, so Bucky felt the need to elaborate.

“Yeah, told me about how they were, trying to hint at what cute kids the two of you would have,” he smirked, and Steve let out a groan. 

“They were a little intense. But you have to admit, we would make cute kids,” 

“You have to admit, my kids are gonna be better looking than yours no matter who they’re with, punk,” Bucky shot back, and soon they were laughing and wrestling around on the ground, grabbing at each other to pinch instead of throwing punches, the way they always had. 

“That’s a load, Buck. I was adorable,” Steve argued, but Bucky snorted, his mind flipping back to when he’d first met Steve. The awkward, gangly little seven year old who could’ve passed for a kindergartener in clothes that were two sizes too big.

“You didn’t grow into those ears until we were thirteen!” 

“But I _did_ grow into them!” he complained, and Bucky laughed at the play-hurt expression on his friends’ face. He rolled onto his back, laughing up at the ceiling as he pictured his best friend at the point in time they were discussing.

“And you had knobby knees to boot!” 

“Well at least I didn’t have a butt-chin!” Steve tossed back, and Bucky was almost roaring in laughter. Steve had always tried to tease him about his chin.

“It’s a _cleft_ chin, and it makes me look dignified, thank you very much,” he smartly retorted, making Steve bust a gut laughing and the play fighting forgotten for a moment as they tried to regain their breath from laughter. It slowly died down, and both of them were left lying on the floor staring up at the ceiling. Bucky couldn’t even count how many times they’d laid like this on floor in either of their living rooms having a sleepover back in Brooklyn. 

“Dignified my ass,” Steve grumbled quietly, before another round of chuckles emitted from both of them. Bucky finally braved turning his head to look at his best friend, and as if Steve had sensed the movement just a moment later he turned and looked over at Bucky. 

“Man did I ever miss you Buck,” Steve finally admitted, and gave Bucky a weak smile. 

“I missed you more,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. My. God. We hit 100,000 words.... I'm speechless (Ironic, I know).
> 
> Thanks everybody who reads and comments - it means the world to me, even when I'm being a shitty poster or don't have normal internet access. Y'all make my day in ways you'd never know :)
> 
> And just as a heads up... this isn't the last of the whole Steve/Bucky conversation about Bucky and Kay and any possible future... I know this seems like a fairly placated way for them to 'smooth' things over but it's not the end of it. I just needed some more happy in their lives :)
> 
> So I hope you like it! :)


	51. Chapter 51

“Come on, Kay; let me tag along,” Steve pleaded with her as she stashed her water bottle and gym shoes into the tote bag she’d reserved for working out with Bucky. Steve had been all over her every moment of every day since he and Bucky had spent the afternoon talking, and while she understood it, she was getting a little, tiny bit irritated. 

Without a shadow of a doubt she was ashamed of herself for feeling that way; after all, Steve and Bucky had been best friends since they were seven years old.   
There was no competing with that. But since she had access to his apartment and Steve didn’t (blame Tony, Steve – he’s the one who makes those decisions! Go talk to him!), it was her time with Bucky that was always being impeded on by Captain America. And it added to her nerves because she knew that the government officials and SHIELD both wanted to do a formal investigation and evaluation of Bucky now that he was ‘better’ and it scared the hell out of her. In other words Kayleigh Stone was a mess and her best friend was just agitating her to the end of her rope. 

“Steve! Please!” she snapped, and then let out a groan as she sunk to the floor. Steve blinked once, surprised by her outburst, before he realized something wasn’t right. 

“Spill it. Now,” 

“I just… Tony hasn’t told you, has he?” 

“Told me what… Kay you’re scaring me,” Steve was immediately pacing her kitchen, as strung up with nerves as she was in the blink of an eye. This was why we should never have kids, she thought to herself. Poor things would be so high strung that functioning in regular society would not be an option. 

“It’s not… well I don’t know if it’s scary or not but I’m freaking out over it. SHIELD wants to evaluate Bucky. For what purposes I don’t know; they won’t disclose any information to me,” she explained, and watched Steve all but fall apart in front of her. 

“But that’s… he’s not ready… God what if they evaluate and see him like this and think he was like this the whole time? Jesus Kay they could sentence him to life… Or extradite him to Russia…” soon every worse-case scenario Kay had been having nightmares about for the past two weeks was coming out of Steve’s mouth and she nearly couldn’t take it. Bucky’s blue-gray eyes had haunted her several nights in a row, once as he was being drug away to jail, and she was hauled kicking and screaming away from him. The next as he was being shipped off to Russia, seeing as there had been some hush-hush expressed interest in the country retrieving him. Bucky had been part of the KGB and the Red Room project for a while, but while under HYDRA he’d also taken out some prominent Russian figures. So it was a toss up which things they wanted him for. 

“Steve stop! Please!” she demanded, and he ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair, blue eyes wide with fright. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t,” he admitted. 

“Now you know why I look and feel like shit and your negative nelly-ing isn’t helping me?” she asked, and Steve ground his teeth for a moment before walking back over to her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and took a deep breath. 

“The only way they’re taking him out of here against his will is over my dead body, Kay. We can protect him,” Steve quietly divulged her. But it wasn’t enough for Kayleigh’s nerves. 

“What the hell can I do, Steve? I’m useless,” she complained, but he shook his head. 

“You are not. Don’t say that,” 

‘But it’s true! Look at you! You have influence; people listen to you, Steve, especially these people. I’m a nobody, if I say over my dead body it means dick all,” she insisted, but let Steve pull her in for a quick hug. 

“You’re a firecracker, and if they don’t know well enough to listen to you they have to face your wrath,” he joked, but Kayleigh still wasn’t convinced. “And what you can do is for Bucky. Come on Kay, you’re the world to him. You’ve helped him through things nobody was sure he could even survive and come out the other side of, let alone be himself. You leave SHIELD to me, I need you to keep Buck together, all right?” 

“Sure,” she faintly answered him, but let Steve pick her up and hand her the tote bag. 

“Now, go kick his butt in that gym and maybe we can sneak him out somewhere to go grab food?” Steve suggested, and Kayleigh nodded. Even if they could get Bucky out of his apartment would be nice. 

“Thanks Steve,” she managed to crack a grin at him, and he lit up considerably before he was all but ushering them out the door. 

“Anytime Kay. Go a little easy on him though; don’t need you breaking James Barnes’ heart when I just got him back,” he teased, and Kayleigh felt her entire face go fire engine red in 1.3 seconds flat. It was a new record, that’s for sure.

“What?” 

“Come on Kay,” was all Steve would say, and she lost her cool for a moment and flipped him off before spinning on her heel and walking toward the elevator in a determined way. Not okay. 

“Did you just…?” she knew Steve was standing with his jaw on the floor watching her, but she refused to apologize. That was not okay. 

“That’s what you get for saying things like that,” she snipped at him, giving him an intense look that told him he was in shit. Steve shook it off, before he got that same mischievous look in his eyes. 

“There’s only one reason you’d be mad at me for saying it Kay,” 

“And there’s only one reason keeping me from connecting my foot to the inside of your thighs,” she crossly informed him, and Steve couldn’t keep the shit eating grin off of his face even as he moved a safe distance away from her. 

“Fine, I won’t say it. But we both know it,” he conceded, and Kayleigh resisted the urge to flip him off again as she got in the elevator and pressed the button for Bucky’s floor. How Steven could go from a man she could almost see herself marry, to her best friend, to pain-in-the-ass brother material was beyond her. Some hero Captain America was; if only the rest of the world got to see him like this, trying to goad her into saying she had the kind of feelings that would break Bucky’s heart. 

“There you are! I was worried you weren’t coming,” Bucky told her as she opened the door to his apartment. He was all ready to go, duffel bag in hand and sneakers on. 

“Sorry, you can blame your bestie for that,” she grumped good naturedly, while Bucky seemed puzzled for a moment. She nearly laughed when she realized her word choice was the reason for it; Steve had worn the exact same expression when he’d heard it the first time.

“Bestie?” 

“Best friend… it’s terrible slang don’t use it,” she told him, and Bucky shrugged before walking with her to the elevator. He muttered it under his breath a few times before giving his shoulders a shake and making Kayleigh crack a grin. 

“You guys and your weird words,” he teased, giving Kayleigh a soft bump with his shoulder as she raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Our weird words?” she asked, and then had Bucky laughing. 

“Yes your weird words! I’ve heard stuff when we went to the mall and the bakery, and in that magazine I got a subscription to there’s all kind of oddball stuff. YOLO? Swag? And you tell me I grew up with weird words?” he laughed, and by the time the elevator doors opened they were both laughing comfortably and walked into the gym facility relaxed. 

Kayleigh did her usual attempt of trying to keep up with Bucky even though she knew she would fail miserably. She did a personal best on her couple of miles jogging, while Bucky exerted himself further than she had seen him do before. He managed almost twenty miles in a half an hour, sprinting all out and once the treadmill had slowed and he stepped off of it he basically collapsed onto the mat, sweating profusely. Kayleigh just smirked and tossed his water bottle at him, knowing he’d catch it even without her saying a word. As expected, his left hand shot out and snagged the water bottle from the air, and he mumbled a thank you before sitting up partially and downing almost half of it. 

“Break any land speed records?” she asked from where she was stretching on the floor. Bucky let out a hoarse laugh, and then sat up properly to look at her. 

“Nah, I’ll leave that for the cheetah’s and those weird little car things with jet fuel,” he shot her a smile, and Kayleigh couldn’t keep back the giggle. 

“I think you could give them a run for their money,” she argued, and walked over to flop down beside Bucky on the mat, sipping out of her water bottle as well. 

“Nah, I think that’s a little conspicuous; I’d prefer to be a little more low-key,” he decided, and then looked over at her. 

“What about you? Low-key or… conspicuous?” he asked, and Kayleigh had to pause for a moment. The question came out of nowhere and caught her a bit off guard.

“Uh… never really thought about it. Probably… low-key, I think. There are things that I like, but I don’t…. I don’t tend to pay a lot of attention to things I want but don’t need,” she shrugged, drawing a design on the mat with her finger. She didn’t like talking about things like this; it made her uncomfortable. Kayleigh had been that way since she was a child; she tended to pass herself off or ignore herself if there were things she could do for others instead. 

“Nothing wrong with low-key,” Bucky decided, and then gave her an intense look. “Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take care of yourself or treat yourself though.” 

“Sometimes it’s harder to do that than you would think,” she softly declared, and then felt Bucky’s hand on her shoulder. 

“I know,” he reminded her, and she managed to meet his gaze again, even though she wavered under the intensity of it. Those blue-grey eyes always felt like they were staring into your soul instead of just looking at you, and she could feel it in her stomach as they searched her own eyes.

“Come on,” he held a hand out to her, and Kayleigh took it, mentally preparing herself for another boxing lesson. Bucky reached into his gym bag, but didn’t pull out the gloves. Instead he pulled out his eReader. 

“What on earth are we doing with that?” she asked, and Bucky held up a finger for her to wait while he selected something from the main menu and then scrolled for a moment. 

“Well, I, uh… Steve told me, about the dancing thing. And I am sorry, I should have known he would want to teach you,” Bucky explained, and Kayleigh felt that familiar guilty tug at her heart. Steve had assured and reassured her that it was fine and he wasn’t hurt by it, but Kayleigh still worried he wasn’t telling the truth. 

“I…” 

“It’s okay, we talked about it,” Bucky assured her, and then turned up the volume on the side before setting the eReader down on the plyo-steps. Moments later music began playing, and Kayleigh felt herself blushing as Bucky held out his hand to her, dipping his head in a bit of a bow to her again. 

“So, he told me I better teach you right,” Bucky grinned, and slowly Kayleigh took his hand and let him pull her against his chest. She blushed as she felt the strength of him against her body, Bucky’s hand steady and sure on the small of her back where he held her. 

“Remember the foxtrot?” he asked, voice soft and just hardly carrying over the music playing. Kayleigh nodded, not trusting her voice. Soon Bucky was counting over the music, and then began leading her through the steps in half time, throwing in a spin here or there, and dipping her as the song petered out. 

“Not too bad,” he smiled, and another song began playing. This time he kept the same steps, but instead of keeping a proper ‘dancing frame’ as he’d called it, he kept her pulled in tight, feeling like he was embracing her rather than just dancing with her. He kept the steps in time and proper like he showed her, but this felt more intimate, like the song playing. It was a crooning love song, and Kayleigh hesitated a few moments before letting her head gently rest against Bucky’s shoulder. He smelled like the perfect mix of musk, sweat, and the earthy freshness of his body wash as he’d showered before they’d come to the gym. 

If she thought about it, Kayleigh could close her eyes and imagine herself being in the thirties, amongst the stories both Steve and Bucky liked to tell her, mixed in with those from her grandparents. Of big bands playing, couples laughing and dancing, drinking sodas and showing off the latest dance moves. It sounded like such a wonderful, simpler time, and Kayleigh longed to have felt it and loved it the way the two of them had. 

“Still think you have two left feet?” Bucky asked softly, leaning his cheek softly against the top of Kayleigh’s head. She was glad he couldn’t see her blush as he did so, but neither did she move away from him. 

“We’re still keeping things pretty simple,” she reminded him, and felt the rumble in his chest before she heard him chuckle. 

“Next time we’ll try something a little more exciting, then,” he promised, and once the song ended they simply stood still for a few moments, neither of them moving. Kayleigh closed her eyes for a moment, and when she felt Bucky lift his head she took a small step back, putting some space between the two of them. Bucky kept his arm around her, her right hand in his against his chest, and gave her a soft smile. 

“Sounds good, Buck,” Kayleigh agreed. With that he raised an eyebrow, and with a grand flourish bowed, before brushing his lips against the knuckles of her hand. Kayleigh blushed madly, and giggled awkwardly at his gesture. 

“Well, how about we head back then? Hit the showers and maybe get some lunch?” Bucky asked, keeping his voice soft, as if he didn’t want to break the spell they were in. 

“Sure, I’d like that,” Kayleigh agreed, and with that they gathered up their things and headed for the elevator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me guys... I know that was a shorter period of happy than everybody probably liked... but there's some sweet in there with Bucky and Kayleigh to help make up for some of it


	52. Chapter 52

“Are you kidding?” 

“You can’t be serious!” 

“This isn’t healthy for him!” 

Kayleigh felt her mind racing out of control as the conversation continued on around her. Three agents had come that morning for a top-priority debriefing meeting with Tony and Bruce that Kayleigh and Steve argued their ways into. Kayleigh had been a no-brainer, as she was the most involved part of Bucky’s rehabilitation, but Steve had taken some convincing. Finally they had agreed, seeing as he was Captain America and all, but the fact that he’d grown up with Bucky pre-Winter Soldier was where the agency’s hesitance was rooted. They thought Steve would be biased. Which wasn’t necessarily wrong.

“Let me get this straight, you want to take one of the most dangerous assassins the modern world has ever known – who was under advanced mind-control and brain washing, who was also tortured extensively, and you want to remove him from a safe space and subject him to all kind of triggering things because what? You don’t trust our reports? You have to be kidding me,” Tony was the first to speak out, and Kayleigh was thankful for him. If anybody was going to listen to their arguments it was going to be Tony’s that would carry the most weight. 

Agent Carter, Agent Ernest, and Agent Wills all looked between each other. Carter was around their age, Kayleigh surmised, with long blonde hair and pretty brown eyes that were extremely intelligent. And she didn’t miss the quick glances between Carter and Steve. Under any other circumstances she’d have elbowed him slightly, maybe even made a comment, but she was too distressed about Bucky to even consider it. 

“We believe Barnes needs a completely unbiased, third-party evaluation and we are unsure that the Avengers Tower is the appropriate place for it. You do realize he has been credited with more than four-dozen assassinations of highly influential people over the past fifty years? And yet he’s living freely in the tower in the middle of New York?” Wills asked, and Kayleigh could have hissed at the grouchy old man.

“Living freely?” Kayleigh asked, unable to control herself. “He’s been all but locked in a high security area that is monitored both by AI surveillance as well as highly-trained guards. Everything he does, and says, is monitored, and he’s surrounded and watched by America’s strongest heroes. I hardly call that living freely, sir.”

Everyone was quiet for a moment, before Agent Ernest let out a sigh. 

“I understand this is difficult for you,” he took off his glasses and looked at Kayleigh without them. He was in his early forties, with dark hair and a southern drawl, and Kayleigh got a weird chill down her spine. Something bad was about to happen. 

“I’m familiar with your work, Dr. Stone; we read your case file. I also understand you get very… involved with your clients. Which, in your line of work is commendable. However, it can also make you very… emotional, I would say. Are you sure what you are arguing is in Barnes’ best interest? As of this moment, doctor, he is wanted in several different countries on charges of murder and espionage. Right here in the United States he is wanted for murder, espionage, and treason against the state; it is in his best interests we are allowed to run our evaluations in order to make a fair estimate of Barnes’ current mental status to be able to fairly represent him. Do you understand?” he asked, and Kayleigh felt as if she’d just been reprimanded in the same manner as a child. It made her blood boil.

“I do understand, _Agent_ ,” she nearly spat out his title, before willing herself to remain calm. Steve was about to speak up, but she silenced him with a look. “I understand perfectly well. However, without fairly and extensively consulting with the team who has worked with Barnes’ the past eight months, you are making assumptions about both his status and recovery. You are also going into evaluations missing vital pieces of information that would severely alter the outcome. There are many factors contributing to both his prior mental condition and his current one that would be overlooked without it. So perhaps, Agent, you would do well to understand what we are trying to tell you as well.” 

Again, she managed to silence the room, and resisted the urge to look smug. Steve put a hand on her forearm for just an instant, before letting his hand drop back to the table once again. 

“I think Dr. Stone raises a fair point. There is a large amount of information regarding Sergeant Barnes’ recovery that would be necessary to know before any evaluation is done. This would include any possible triggers you may accidentally unleash on him by moving him to a different kind of facility, treating him like a fugitive. Do you understand what this man has gone through?” Steve asked, and both Tony and Bruce nodded. 

“I understand he spent time with both HYDRA and the KGB,” Wills said, and Kayleigh felt everybody tense up. There was an accusatory hint to his voice, and they all heard it.

“He was kidnapped and tortured. Electrocuted, experimented on. Cryogenically frozen, and all of the horrors repeated. Trained, starved, dehumanized. Programmed with brain washing, electro-treatments and an electronic implant device. He had no free will, to do anything other than what he was instructed,” Bruce spoke up, and Kayleigh felt her stomach knot in a familiar way, because she hated thinking of everything Bucky had gone through during the time he was captured.

“That man is a Prisoner of War, and it’s our duty to rehabilitate him,” Steve added, and both Kayleigh and Tony nodded. 

“Then you’d best prepare all the information we need; we want to ensure we do things correctly and thoroughly before any real decision is made,” Carter spoke up for the first time since the SHIELD agents arrived. Kayleigh was surprised, but grateful when she saw the look that Agent Carter gave her. There was understanding beneath the professional mask she wore. 

“We can do that. Can you give us four days, maybe more?” Kayleigh asked. “There is a lot of information to compile.” 

“I think that’s understandable,” Carter agreed, although neither of her companions seemed pleased with her statements. She must have been the more senior ranking officer of the three, though, because neither spoke out against her. 

“Thank you. We can arrange a meeting to go through the documents with you once they’re ready, if you’d like,” Steve told her, and after a quick conversation regarding the meeting, everyone stood to shake hands. Kayleigh resisted the urge to snap at Wills and Ernest, as neither of them even attempted to shake her hand. After watching the exchange, however, Agent Carter made a point of shaking her hand and thanking her for her assistance and insight. 

“Thank you Agent Carter, I look forward to meeting you again,” she managed to get out, and Carter reciprocated the sentiment before they left. 

Four days. Four days and then SHIELD was going to do everything in its’ power to rip Bucky away from them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short! I wanted to get another chapter out before I'm in the land of no internet for a while... 
> 
> please don't hate me...


	53. Chapter 53

“Are you serious, Kay? Tomorrow?” Bucky’s voice wavered as he asked her, and she nodded, the tears still fresh on her cheeks. She’d originally broke the news to him the same day the agents had stopped by, trying to assure him that she’d do everything in her power to keep them away from him. The entire afternoon had been spent wrapped up in blankets on his couch watching movies, and Steve had joined them around supper, pizza in hand, insisting he’d do whatever he could as well. Bucky had shrugged it off as best as he could, telling them he’d do the best he could to make sure things went well. But Kayleigh knew he was terrified, just like she was. They’d had less than a week since the initial meeting, and now SHIELD was trying to remove Bucky from New York as quickly as possible.

“I’m so sorry Bucky, I tried; Agent Carter was doing her best to help me out, I think she kind of understands, but… those other two went over her head. They want to come get you at ten o’clock tomorrow morning…” she choked on her words as Bucky ushered her into his apartment, wrapping his arms tight around her as they made their way to the couch. He sat down and pulled her down with him, Kayleigh’s legs across his knees as she hugged him and ran her hand through his hair. 

“I know, Kay, I know,” he murmured against her hair, burying his face so that Kay couldn’t see his expression. She let her hand drop from his hair to cup his cheek, her thumb softly stroking his skin. 

“That doesn’t make it better Buck, I told you I’d make sure nobody would hurt you and… I’m scared,” she admitted, and Bucky’s head snapped up, blue eyes wide. Rather than facing him Kayleigh took the opportunity to hide her face against his neck, eyes shut tight as she breathed in the comforting scent of his body wash. 

“Scared?” 

“Yeah. Scared that they won’t be fair to you, scared that they’ll treat you like… like they did and it’ll hurt you,” she whispered against his chest, and felt him wrap himself around her. While she hated to admit it, she liked Bucky wrapped around her, strong and sure, even if he was just as scared as she was, if not more. She was trying to be strong, because she wanted to be strong and supportive for Bucky, but she was failing miserably at it.

“Hey, hey,” he rubbed her arm, voice gentle and comforting. “It won’t be like that. Nobody can be like that Kay. These are the good guys. And to be honest, I probably deserve whatever I have coming.” 

Kayleigh pulled back from him, mouth open as she stared at Bucky Barnes. He’d been doing so well lately, the nightmares reduced to once or twice a week, and there had even been an entire week where he didn’t have any. This kind of talk didn’t line up with the man Bucky was, and Kayleigh hated when he talked so negatively about himself.

“No you don’t. Bucky, you know how I feel about you talking like that,” she told him, and he sighed. He shocked her when he lifted his hand to cup her cheek, the same way she did for him so many times. But she couldn’t help herself from leaning in to his touch, just a tiny bit. 

“But it’s true. Look at it from the law’s perspective. The Winter Soldier killed all kinds of people, was a spy, basically betrayed his entire country. And I’m the Winter Soldier, Kay. Regardless of what happened, I’m that person,” he told her, and when she went to shake her head, he kept up just enough soft pressure to keep her from making the movement. 

‘It’s true, and we both know it,” he whispered, and then there was an odd tension between the two of them, like time slowed down. Bucky’s eyes moved over her face, and then she saw his tongue dart across his bottom lip for just a millisecond, before his grip on her cheek altered; his hand turned so that his fingertips were just below her ears on her neck, cupping her face, and then he leaned in. The pressure was soft, questioning almost, as he pulled her in against him, leaving plenty of time for her to pull away.

Kayleigh couldn’t think, instead she just let her eyelids flutter closed as his lips brushed against hers. His lips were soft, almost hesitant, but sure as he kissed her, and Kayleigh could feel herself melting against him. It was like everything else faded away except for Bucky; the comforting smell of his clean skin, the careful, sure pressure of his lips against hers, his hand on her cheek holding her to his kiss. 

He moved to pull away slightly, and without thinking about it Kayleigh moved with him, keeping her lips on his for just a moment longer before slowly pulling away. Bucky’s face was pink, and his beautiful blue-grey eyes were staring at her, some mix of surprise and pleasure on his face. 

“Y-you… you kissed me?” he asked, and Kayleigh laughed at the absurdity of his statement. 

“You kissed me first,” she reminded him, and with an eager grin he leaned in again and kissed her more exuberantly. Kayleigh chuckled against his lips as Bucky pulled her closer to him, letting her wrap her arms around his shoulders. Kayleigh felt some kind of happiness that had been missing for a long time. Bucky’s lips on hers brought a whole different kind of feeling that had been missing in her life, even if she hadn’t realized it. Even when things had felt right between her and Steve it wasn’t like this. This was like butterflies, warm fuzzy feelings in her stomach, heat in her cheeks, and almost excitement running through her veins. 

“I just… I can’t believe,” Bucky rambled as the kiss ended, and Kayleigh could only grin and lean against him, her head perfectly tucked beneath his chin. Bucky seemed frozen in place, and Kayleigh buried her smile against his neck.

“Can’t believe what?” 

“That you’d… that a girl like you would even kiss me back,” he told her, and she merely shrugged. She didn’t know what to say, but knew she had to say something. Bucky’s grip on her tightened slightly, and she could feel him shaking against her.

“What do you mean a girl like me?” 

“Kay, be serious. Look at you; gorgeous, successful… smart as hell… look at me. I’m all but a convict,” he explained, but shot her a look when she went to argue with him. 

“I am, and you know it,” he insisted, and she made a noise in her throat, letting him know that she wasn’t happy with him but that she understood he wasn’t going to be talked out of it. Good, bad, or otherwise, she understood how he worked and that she could say whatever she wanted but it wouldn’t convince him. Instead she cuddled around him again, and let out a long breath as she felt him relax finally, and wrap his arms around her, pulling her back against his chest. 

“Doesn’t mean that’s how things will go down, Bucky. They have to understand that it wasn’t you doing those things,” she whispered, pressing her forehead against his cheek. 

“But if they don’t, then I have to deal with the consequences. Maybe the fact I served for almost four years will help,” he pondered, and Kayleigh let out a groan, but failed at keeping the hint of a grin off of her face. He liked using humor to hide things, but sometimes it was a little dark and concerning for Kayleigh. 

“Bucky, please,” 

“I’m just trying to lighten things up Kay, sorry,” he apologized immediately, knowing what he’d done to upset her. She let out a long breath and ran a hand through her hair absentmindedly, before she realized that Bucky was already playing with the blonde strands. He’d never done that before. 

“Sorry, I just… your hair is so soft,” he blushed, but kept his hand in her hair as she let hers drop to his chest. “I just… I’m scared that now I’ve gotten a taste of this it’ll all be gone.” 

His words echoed around in Kayleigh’s head like gunshots, and she sucked in a breath. Bucky actually believed that they were going to lock him up and throw away the key. Hopefully he didn’t know that Russia was trying to extradite him. He’d never held a Russian passport, so they were optimistic that they could find a loophole somewhere and avoid Russian involvement. 

“It won’t be Bucky, it won’t be,” she softly reassured him. 

“That’s what always happens, Kay. I get a hint of something good and it gets ripped away,” he told her, the tears back, fighting to be let out. She caressed his cheek, surprised when he leaned his hand against her and then pressed a soft kiss to her palm. How some girl hadn’t snatched Bucky up before he went off to war was beyond her, especially to see him like this. 

“Not this time. This time you’re with us, with me,” she repeated, and got a hint of a smile from him. 

“I had it in the war, too. Steve came and rescued me, and things were good. As good as they could have been being over there. We were winning, taking them down, freeing good people. Then the train… I had a bad feeling about it the second we landed on the roof. The same feeling I have right now, like something is going to go hellishly wrong,” he told her, his thumb tracing her features as if he was committing them to memory. Kayleigh wondered if that was exactly what he was doing. 

“They would do it too, on occasion. I would start to get half a sense of things, if I was unfrozen and un-wiped too long. Not myself, but I could tell if things were wrong. If they felt wrong, or unmoral I guess. I think they did it twice; I found myself in a house, after completing a mission by Volvograd. I was alone, for five days. I could come and go as I pleased, cook real food, had a real bed… and by the time I was starting to relax they came for me. Beat the shit out of me; used the code words so I wouldn’t fight back. It broke me,” this time Kayleigh was the one who couldn’t keep the tears back, unwilling to picture the horrors Bucky had been through at the hands of HYDRA. 

“I won’t let them break you Bucky. We’ll figure something out, Tony can help,” she insisted, but the resigned expression on Bucky’s face told her all she needed and hated to know. If push came to shove, they may not have the power to save him. And he’d made some kind of sick peace with that. 

“Can I just enjoy this? Us? You?” he asked, voice nearly breaking on the words as he laid back on the couch, bringing Kayleigh with him so she was curled against his side with her head on his chest. 

“I’d like nothing more, Buck,” she answered, and felt him kiss the top of her head as he wrapped his arms tight around her. It only took seconds for her to feel his tears against her hair as he cried silently. 

-

Steve came and several hours with Bucky, which Kayleigh respectfully left for. She knew they needed time together alone, because to Steve, Bucky was being ripped away nearly as painfully as he had been the first time. The uncertainty of how all of this would turn out and whether or not Bucky would be able to come back to them was overwhelming. So Kayleigh left them alone for a few hours until Bucky messaged her that Steve had said goodbye for the day so that he could spend more time with Kayleigh. She’d wasted no time in getting back up to his apartment and the moment she was in the door Bucky was there, waiting with open arms and a somber smile.

She spent the rest of the afternoon in Bucky’s arms, unable to believe that he was going to be ripped away so painfully and suddenly. Bucky was just as scared, even though he was trying to hide it for her sake. She wanted to be there to comfort him; to hold him and soothe him but instead it seemed like she was falling apart even worse than he was. Instead it was Bucky who was running a hand through her hair, her face nuzzled against his neck as he comforted her. It was too much, and the uncertainty of what was coming for Bucky pained her even more. 

Especially when he’d kissed her. It helped clarify the mess of feelings she’d been having, and the fact that Bucky had felt like he needed to act on the feelings he was experiencing. For so long she’d been denying any kind of non-platonic feelings for him, but the instant his lips had been on hers she’d felt it. The kind of earth-shaking, breath-taking feeling she’d only ever heard about in books and on television. But it had been there, and very real, and now she felt like an awkward middle schooler swooning over a crush when she looked at him and he gave her the warm smile that lit up his eyes and crinkled his nose just a bit. The one she loved so much. The one he saved for her.

“You don’t have to spend the whole day with me if you don’t want to,” Bucky’s voice floated in and broke her out of her thoughts. He was watching her carefully, and then she realized she’d been zoned out longer than she had thought. 

“I want to… sorry I got stuck in my head,” she apologized, and then leaned over to cuddle against his side. Bucky held his arm out so she could slip beneath it and he could wrap his metal limb around her shoulders and hold her close. He was warm and solid against her side, and his gentle grip on her was like a wall keeping everything away. 

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked, voice soft and quiet, and she could only look up at him for a moment before nodding. He deserved her being as upfront as she could be after going out on a limb like that for her. Bucky was so much better at self-identifying lately, but that didn’t make it any easier to admit the kind of things he had to her. The least she could do was meet him halfway, even though she struggled to do the same sometimes.

“I just… I spent so long trying to talk myself out of thinking I had feelings for you… these kind of feelings,” she started, taking a steadying breath. “And I have to wonder what’s wrong with me that it’s taking something as awful as losing you to realize it and do something about it.” 

It took Bucky a few moments; his blue eyes widening and he stared at her before his expression softened and he pulled her across his chest, burying his face against her neck and inhaling deeply. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Kay. You were with Steve, and I was… a mess. Makes sense to not really want to have feelings for someone like me,” he answered, and she felt her heart drop in her chest. It was hidden, but she could still hear that lingering amount of disgust Bucky seemed to hold for himself that broke her heart.

“That’s not what I meant at all, Buck. I knew you were amazing; sweet and smart, thoughtful… I just… with everything with Steve and being your therapist… I think I was so dead set that it wasn’t right for me to care about you any other way,” she corrected him, and felt him relax against her. She could feel his steady heartbeat beneath his chest, and snuggled in as close as she could get to him. 

“Then why didn’t you just forget about me? Come on Kay; smart, pretty girl like you? You could have anybody. Why not find someone better for you?” he asked, voice muffled against the top of her head. Kayleigh looked up at him and then pressed her lips to his, kissing him softly until he kissed her back. She kept up her gentle, playful assault until he began to chuckle against her lips, his physical demeanor changing and lightening as he did so.

“Because there’s nobody who can compare to you, Buck,” she finally admitted against his lips, and felt his breath catch. 

“How can you say that?” he asked, holding her away a little bit so that his eyes could move over her face, looking into her soul almost, as if he was waiting for her to laugh and tell him it was a joke. But the glint of hope present in the blue depths was enough for her to know how he felt about the situation. He would play Devil’s advocate till the sun went down, but she knew he wanted her to be right when they spoke about these things.

“Because it’s true. Buck… it wouldn’t have mattered who else came across my path… they aren’t you. They don’t know me the way you do, and they just aren’t you. I don’t know how else to explain it. Even with Steve… I’ve never felt the way I did when you kissed me with anybody else. Anybody,” she shrugged quietly, before she was all but crushed against Bucky’s chest as he heaved for breath. She felt him kiss the top of her head before kissing her temple, then his hands were cupping her cheeks and he desperately pressed his lips to hers; mouth moving against hers in a way that would’ve made her knees weak if she’d been standing. As hard as she could she kissed him back, and went weak when she felt his tongue hesitantly flick against her lips. With a soft sigh she opened her mouth to him, meeting his tongue with energy and eagerness to match his. 

She was in his arms then, and Bucky pulled her closer, until Kayleigh was all but straddling his lap, her cheeks still caressed by his hands, her hands moving to cup his cheeks, feeling the short stubble beneath her palms, his lips unbelievably soft beneath her own. The earthy scent that was Bucky filled her senses, his large, calloused hand moving from her bare shoulder down along her waist and hip. His left hand stayed at the small of her back, and Kayleigh knew it was because he was so self-conscious about the vibranium limb and what it represented to him. Even if it didn’t represent the same things to her as it did to him. 

“Bucky I don’t want to lose you,” she closed her eyes and tried to hide her face against his cheek, the tears beginning to win the battle as reality was creeping back into his apartment. Bucky pressed his lips against her cheek, able to taste the moisture on her skin before her cradled her head with his right hand. 

“You won’t lose me, Kay. I’m yours, I’ve been yours since I came in here,” he whispered against her ear, and that only made her cry harder. His words were so honest, and raw, and hit her core. All she could do was cling to him, handfuls of his shirt in her grasp as she tried to lose herself in everything that was James Barnes while she could. 

“Promise?” her voice shook even harder than her body had, and Bucky simply nodded and held her tighter against him. 

“Always. Till the end of the line,” he whispered, and the sob that ripped loose from Kayleigh’s chest had her coughing and sputtering. She knew the weight those words held. 

Those were the words he only ever said to Steve. They meant that Bucky was there one hundred percent, no matter what. Kayleigh knew he meant them with everything he had when he said them to her. That Bucky was so involved and engrained in that person’s life and them in his own that the only thing that could pull him from them was, essentially, death. They had both seen it in action, with Steve. It was a promise that Bucky only made when his entire being was committed.

“You mean that? I… Steve told me…” she sniffed, and Bucky cupped her cheeks then, kissing her forehead before his blue eyes locked with her brown ones. 

“Till the end of the line, Kay. I’m here,” he kissed the tip of her nose, kissed her softly and then rested his forehead against hers. It was a little cocoon between the two of them, this new safe place where things were raw and wonderful between them. It shook Kayleigh to her core, the overwhelming feeling of having everything put out in the open but somehow the knowledge made her feel safe. Knowing that she had Bucky somehow calmed her and gave her some sense of security, and there was nowhere else she wanted to be than with him. Even Steve didn’t bring the exact same feeling that Bucky was able to.

They sat like that for a long time, before Kayleigh found the strength to say what she wanted to. Even though it scared her, _terrified_ her, because never before had she told anyone something that meant as much to the two of them as what she was about to tell Bucky. Even telling people ‘I love you’ was very different; while there was fear and apprehension and hope amongst a whirlwind of other things. Even telling Steve she loved him had been softer, easier, and warmer, but she had known Steve loved her back. Known that he had an easier time with feelings and connecting to others than the brunette beside her did. 

“Till the end of the line, Bucky,” she answered, and heard him sniff before his lips were on hers again. They were soft but authoritative, and Kayleigh melted into him. 

“Will you… will you stay? Tonight?” he asked, his voice soft but somehow echoing through the entire apartment. There was gravity in his words, and Kayleigh felt her whole being pulled toward him. 

“Yeah. Yeah, Bucky, I will,” she nodded, and felt his shoulders slump a little bit. He’d been nervous asking her, she realized, and then was glad that he’d managed to ask something even though he was worried and afraid. It was one of the things she admired so much about him. 

“Why don’t we sneak you to my apartment and I can make you dinner?” she asked softly, pushing hair off of his face. He nodded, and kissed her palm as it came down to cup his cheek. Every movement he made was tender, trying to convey the soft warm feeling that Kayleigh was experiencing as well, his attempt to tell her without words what was going on with him. 

“Come on, let’s go then,” she stood up slowly, not wanting to move so far away from the wall of strength that was Bucky, but as soon as he was standing he had wrapped himself around her again. They made their way down the several flights of stairs and into her apartment without running into anybody. Once they were inside her apartment Kayleigh bundled Bucky up on the couch, before insisting that she’d make him spaghetti and meat sauce, and leaving with a kiss to his temple for the kitchen. Bucky turned the television on, but while Kayleigh began puttering around getting the ingredients she couldn’t hear much from the living room. She nearly screamed when she turned around and ran into his chest, before his arms engulfed her and he kissed the top of her head. 

“Sorry. Just didn’t want to sit in there by myself. Can I help?” he asked, and after a moment Kayleigh nodded and gave him mushrooms to cut and pasta to measure while she seasoned the sauce and seasoned the meat as it began to cook. 

They worked in companionable silence, the TV in the background as Bucky made sure to always be touching Kayleigh; hip against hers while they stood side by side, or brushing against her as he walked by. Kayleigh liked it, glad for the support that Bucky wanted to be for her even though there was so much hanging over his own head. She was so used to being the support for everybody, it was so nice to be able to just be her in a way she sometimes felt she wasn’t always able to. Not that she couldn’t ever depend on all of the friends she’d made since coming to Stark Tower, but in a way Kayleigh always felt like she had to be strong, even though she felt like she’d had many low points over the past few years. 

“Want to set the table?” Kayleigh asked while getting ready to strain the pasta, and instead was met with a sheepish smile from Bucky. 

“Can we eat in the living room?” he asked, and she giggled, thinking back to the first time he’d done so in his apartment. How he’d thought it so strange, but now preferred it.

“Of course,” she agreed with a quick kiss, and they dished up their plates and curled up as best as they could on the couch. It was a little awkward, and it took them some shuffling around and some elbows in the wrong places before they got themselves situated. Once they did, however, neither of them wanted to move an inch. Kayleigh found herself leaning against Bucky’s side as best as she could without hindering his ability to eat the meal she’d made. But she noticed Bucky was doing the same thing; his hip and thigh were pressed against hers, no space between the two of them. It brought a small smile to her face, and once Bucky had inhaled not one or two servings, but three of her spaghetti and homemade sauce, he could only go on and on about how amazing it was. It was enough to make her blush and stutter and for him to smirk and continue on while he followed her around the kitchen. He even helped her do the dishes and clean up before the two of them fell onto the couch together, a giggling, tickling tangle of limbs before she found herself on top of Bucky, chest pressed against his and before she could think about it further Bucky kissed her. His mouth moved over her lips so sweetly, and Kayleigh found herself sighing against him before he wrapped his arms tight around her waist and then flicked his tongue against her lips again. 

She lost track of time, the two of them laid on the couch making out until Kayleigh realized it’d gotten dark outside and the only light in the apartment was coming from the kitchen. 

“Want to stay and watch a movie?” Kayleigh whispered against Bucky’s cheek, lips nearly brushing against his ear. She could feel the shudder that went through his body before he nodded. Slowly she sat up, a slightly disgruntled sound coming from Bucky before he realized she meant for him to come with her. He took her hand and let Kayleigh lead him to her room, where she set up her laptop so they could watch a movie together while cuddled up beneath her duvet. Kayleigh went into the bathroom and changed into pajamas. It felt nice, to be curled up against Bucky and pretending that the next day wasn’t going to happen. Bucky wrapped himself around Kayleigh, his bare chest warm and pressed against her back, his left arm slightly cooler against her side than the rest of him. 

“This is nice,” Bucky whispered, keeping his voice soft and quiet, hardly audible over the laptop. Kayleigh grinned and cuddled up closer against him. Bucky let his fingers brush over the curve of her hip before wrapping his arm around her stomach, flesh fingers warm from her body heat against him. He moved with trepidation, as if waiting to be reprimanded every time he touched her, and whenever the response was a warm smile or a sweet kiss his heart started to pound and his brain spun trying to reason with himself why Kayleigh seemed to let him do these things. Like everything in his system wanted it but also tried to tell him he was unworthy and that something was going to happen to tear this all apart. Realistically his brain wasn’t that far off, seeing as SHIELD was coming in the morning and god only knew what would happen after that.

“It is,” she agreed, and turned her head slightly. Bucky captured her lips again. 

“God Kay, I’m gonna miss you so much,” he mumbled, face buried against the nape of her neck and shoulder, and Kayleigh could only snuggle closer and hold him tight. Tears were slipping to the hem of her t-shirt, and she knew Bucky was doing all he could to hold back the depth of what was going through him.

“We’ll get you back, Bucky. I won’t stop until we get you back. And when you’re back and all settled we’ll go to the SPCA and get you a puppy and everything will be better,” she insisted, and pressed a kiss to his forehead before turning to hold him tighter, close to tears yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for Bucky and Kay! It took them long enough... I know, but hey, some of us aren't good at this romance stuff. Especially when you're socially awkward or have been brought in and out of cryo-freeze and brainwashed countless times over the past seventy years....


	54. Chapter 54

All he could understand when he woke was the darkness. Then it was the fact that his arms were constricted, as was the rest of him. He struggled against whatever was restraining him, feeling the sweat beginning to bead on his forehead as he began to panic. SHIELD was coming to get him in the morning. Perhaps HYDRA had beaten them to it. 

Images flashed in front of him; of medical labs and doctors in white coats, of searing pain and confusion. He gritted his teeth, to bite back his scream of pain, remembering that showing weakness only ever made it worse. Of vials upon vials of blood being taken from his body, until he was so weak that he could hardly stand, and then being exposed to all kind of medical tests, as if he were an animal to be sold on market. Everything was checked extensively, from his teeth to his skin, and on one occasion he’d even been stripped of his clothes and restrained upright, two scientists going over his body with a fine-tooth comb, humiliating him in the way they touched and spoke about him as if he weren’t there. As if he couldn’t understand or feel what they were doing even as he was forced to watch them pick apart his body. Bucky had been muzzled when they were done with his mouth, blue eyes burning as they pinched and prodded at him, anger and shame flooding his system, even as he shook and trembled, deathly afraid of the consequence of lashing out conflicting with the humiliation and rage. All of it was flooding his system, his brain, and his blood. He needed out. He’d choose death if given the option. 

Then there was a soft voice, distant but reaching his ears. Bucky couldn’t place it, mind racing too quickly to be able to compartmentalize and effectively operate. That frightened him even more; he was always able to shut down and compartmentalize things. It was what made him effective in the field. When he couldn’t compartmentalize he couldn’t be efficient and make the right decisions. That could be life or death. If he couldn’t do the job right it would be the chair. The Chair meant pain and suffering. He would wake up with freezer burn on his fingers and ice in his hair, mind blank and screaming at him while his body fought whatever they’d done to him, with nausea and spasms.

“Bucky?” his eyes shot open and he heaved a breath, before realizing that nobody was _really_ speaking to him as quiet reached his ears and he tried to take in his surroundings. He was restrained yes, but after a few moments realized he’d tangled himself up in the blankets of the bed he was in. Then it came back in small pieces when he felt the body-temperature weight pressed against his side. 

Kayleigh. The tower. SHIELD. 

A long, relieved breath escaped him, and, he pushed some of the covers down as if it would alleviate the sweating. He’d nearly gone into a full-blown panic attack with Kayleigh right beside him, and it would have absolutely destroyed him if something had happened to her because of it. His blue eyes searched her sleeping form, and he realized he’d woken up hearing her mumble his name in her sleep as he began thrashing beside her. Thankfully it had been enough to pull him out of it before it got worse. With blonde hair splayed across the pillowcase and her features soft with sleep, Kayleigh took his breath away. If only he could wake up to this again, he’d spend the rest of his days finding a way to make himself worthy of this. Of her.

Once his breathing had evened a bit he took in the rest of her room. Her laptop screen was black, and Bucky wondered how long they’d actually been sleeping since the film had ended. It had to be the middle of the night, and he felt guilty for possibly disturbing her, even though she hadn’t woken. He knew she was as frightened as he was about what the morning was going to bring, knew she needed the rest as badly as he or Steve did. 

With almost inhuman stealth he slipped out of the bed and made his way to the bathroom, closing the door before flicking on the light. His eyes only took an instant to adjust, and then he grimaced at what he saw. The reflection that greeted him looked like hell, and he ran a hand through his hair, as if it would help. The bags beneath his eyes were dark purple, his skin sallow and still showing the sheen of sweat. To try and remedy it Bucky ran some cold water and splashed his face with it, hoping Kayleigh wouldn’t have to see him like this. She wanted to be strong for him, and he was grateful for it, but she was falling apart on the inside too. And he wanted nothing more than to be strong and supportive for her the way she’d been for him all these months. 

Bucky had always been what his Ma called a protector. Not the way that Steve was; he protected anybody and everybody, whereas Bucky had, since childhood, imprinted on particular people and took it upon himself to look out for them. His Ma and little sister were the first ones, then his little sister’s friend Clara; a small girl who seemed to get picked on in Becka’s class, then it was Steve. His Ma always told him it was his version of being a mother hen, and while he’d sputtered and denied it until he was red in the face growing up, by the time he’d graduated he understood. The people he felt the unnerving need to protect were those who meant the most to him and his family. Those who were practically family; the ones he and his loved ones loved dearly. 

Kayleigh was one of those people. Had been since he’d been enough of himself to understand. It was different with her; she was so used to being strong and taking care of herself and others. Most of the people that he looked out for or took upon himself to protect weren’t like that; they truly needed him to look out for them. Bucky liked feeling needed. It messed with his head that the one person he desperately needed to need him didn’t seem to. It had killed him for a while, until he realized that maybe Kayleigh needed him in ways he didn’t recognize. She didn’t run to him for every little thing, but she came to him with what overwhelmed her. Kayleigh didn’t need him to fix her problems, but to keep her together while she went through them. It was different than what he knew, but he was learning to adapt to it, to question when she put on her ‘I’m okay’ face and simply be there, no cleaning up scraped knees or beating up some punk as he was used to doing with his sister or Steve. _Had been_ used to doing with his sister or Steve, really. It wasn’t like he’d done either in a lifetime. Even if Kayleigh was as goddamn stubborn as either of those two were.

Then last night he’d found out that maybe she’d depended on him the way he’d hoped and he’d been too much of a dope to find out earlier. When they would have had time. That was like a bullet to the chest, the pain and realization that he’d _wasted_ time when all he _had_ was borrowed time. It made his lungs hurt to try and bring in air.

The man in the mirror was ragged; his eyes had the look of a desperate man who was going to lose everything that was dear to him. An extremely helpless, desperate man. Bucky hadn’t felt so helpless since he had been hanging from the train, a lifetime ago. Or since he’d been strapped to a table in Zola’s lab and coherent enough to understand what was happening. It made him sick to look at the reflection, so he grit his teeth and turned out the lights, standing with his hands on either side of the cool porcelain sink, eyes working to define shapes in the sudden blackness. But this was a blackness he’d created, and Bucky felt surprisingly safe in it. Because if he couldn’t see out, nobody could see in, he argued with himself. What a concept. Kayleigh would call it a coping mechanism. Probably not a healthy one, he smirked. 

That was going to be the worst part, not speaking to Kayleigh and seeing her everyday. Now to add to that it was going to kill Bucky, not being able to hold or kiss her, to be able to be a regular man around someone. Losing her and Steve was going to be the most painful thing he would experience. He dreaded it, knowing that Kayleigh would be doing her best to keep tears at bay, knowing Steve would wrap his arms around his best friend to try and console her and ground her, with no idea of what had transpired between the two of them. Of the fact that it would kill him to see Kayleigh turn into Steve for comfort, when he was the one she wanted to hold and he now _knew_ that. And he’d have to stay stone faced as they led him away. 

It was a crushing weight on his chest, and he left the bathroom, nearly staggering into the hall as he was hit with a sense of vertigo for a moment, before he righted himself. Making sure to stay silent he slipped back into her bedroom and slid beneath the covers. Kayleigh stirred slightly, and he held his breath for an instant before he wrapped himself around her, her back pressed to his front. In the shades of grey that was the darkness of her room he saw a small smile come to her lips as she snuggled back against him, fitting herself as tightly as was possible. Bucky smiled and kissed her temple, wondering how he’d ever become so lucky. To know her, to have her in the strange way he did. While anybody could question it, to Bucky it was something; an attachment, a link between them, and it was stronger than most of the ties Bucky had experienced in his life, rivaling only those of his immediate family and Steve. 

“Okay Buck?” she mumbled, and he froze. He’d tried so hard not to disturb her while she rested, he hated the thought of bringing all of his additional worries to rest on her shoulders.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good. Sorry for waking you,” he whispered against her cheekbone, pressing another soft kiss to her warm skin. She smiled again and tilted her head up to face him better, and brushed her lips against his. 

“Mhmm. You’re cold,” she complained, and he realized she wasn’t fully awake. Somewhere between wake and sleep, and he smiled softly down at the beautiful woman in his arms. Who was treating him as if he were nothing more than a man; the woman who stirred things in him he hadn’t experienced in decades.

“Had to go to the bathroom,” he answered, and she let out a slow chuckle, before turning in his arms and wrapping herself around him. A leg slung over his hips, and arm snuck around his waist under his own heavy Vibranium limb, and her head fit perfectly beneath his chin. Her breath was warm against his skin, and he knew he was getting goose bumps along his collarbone, the sensation almost pleasurable.

“Warm you up,” she said, words muffled against his bare chest, and he shivered at the feel of her lips moving against his exposed skin. It was intimate, to sleep like this. She was wearing nothing but thin pajamas; a T-shirt and a very short pair of shorts. He was in nothing but his boxers, as he hadn’t known to plan to stay the night at her unit. It had taken him nearly ten minutes to actually strip down to them and crawl into bed, even though she’d seen him in nothing but his underwear before. That had never happened in an intimate way though, and she’d understood, even offered to go up to his place and get him his pajama pants, as she didn’t have anything that would fit him. Bucky had refused, finally gotten over himself, stripped off his jeans and slid beneath the covers with her, her legs warm against his as they tangled together. Her feet had been like damn ice cubes, but now they were the same temperature he was.

“Thanks, babe,” he whispered, trying and weighing the word on his tongue. A warm sound came from her throat and she nuzzled his chest, a happy sigh coming from her. 

“Welcome hon,” she answered, and then he could hear the telltale sounds of Kayleigh sleeping. It wasn’t a snore, wasn’t a wheeze, but it was definite and there. He smiled to himself and kissed the top of her head before closing his eyes and willing himself to sleep.


	55. Chapter 55

Three months. It had been three months since she’d had any kind of contact with Bucky aside from a few short, prison-style phone calls. They’d taken him in for evaluation, and Agent Carter had pulled both Kayleigh and Steve aside, letting them know she believed that Bucky hadn’t been in control and therefore shouldn’t be held accountable, but that she may be outvoted on the issue. All she could promise was she would do her best to advocate for him and keep things fair so that Bucky could be home as soon as possible. She’d even stopped by the tower to give them an in-person debriefing, feeling she owed the two of them that much. Had Kayleigh not been so distraught over James Barnes, she would have noticed that beneath the worried and troubled exteriors of both Sharon and Steve were small glances and smiles. They were bonding, even if it was in a strange way. The two of them both wanted Bucky where he belonged, which was back at the Avengers tower with those who considered him part of their family, and they were both willing and able to fight for that. Kayleigh appreciated that about Sharon in a way words couldn’t describe.

SHIELD had interned him at one of their highest-security centers, deeming him highly dangerous. They’d caused him to slip into the Soldier once on transport, as he’d been shackled and his cybernetic arm had been disabled, when the guards had manhandled him out of the transport vehicle. He’d lost it, and it had taken Kayleigh’s voice on the phone to talk him down, in a small, empty cell by himself with only her voice coming in. She’d heard him break down when he came back, and Kayleigh had assured him it would be okay. Nobody had been hurt, nothing had been destroyed, and Bucky was back. But SHIELD had seen what they wanted to; the cold-blooded, heartless, almost inhuman assassin the Winter Soldier had become known for. Sharon was afraid that it had been done purposefully to give the organization reason for holding him. 

However, aside from a few accidental triggers, they weren’t able to bring the soldier out of him. The code words no longer had any effect, even though Bucky had screamed and thrashed as they were read to him, only for him to begin laughing and crying hysterically when the phrases were finished and he was still himself. Thankfully Bruce and Tony had been able to remove most of those triggers with the implant. Sharon had been there, and had been the one to return Bucky to his quarters – a glorified jail cell – and had snuck him some junk food while she talked with him for a debriefing. He’d been thankful for her help, and had asked about Kayleigh and Steve, about how things were going. If a date for his trial had been set yet. 

That had rocked Kayleigh and Steve the hardest, when Sharon relayed the news. Bucky expected lifelong incarceration for his actions; he was resigned to it, almost. And some of the other agents were treating him as if it was inevitable. Sharon was just as pained by all of it as Kayleigh and Steve were. 

But the worst was the no-visitation policy. Nobody was allowed to see James Barnes except the agents working his case, and the new therapist SHIELD had assigned to him. Kayleigh had been completely shut out, Steve had argued until he was blue in the face, but nobody had budged. Even Tony had been rendered powerless in this endeavor, which set Kayleigh on edge. It wasn’t just that she missed Bucky; from what Sharon told them something was wrong. Maybe Bucky had been right, when he said he’d had a bad feeling about it. 

“I just… Bucky told me he had a bad feeling Steve,” she insisted, on the couch in her best friends’ apartment, finally able to talk about it. The three glasses of wine didn’t hurt, either. 

“I know, Kay, but we have to let them do their thing, Sharon’s helping on her end, I get that they’re worried about him being dangerous but once they see he isn’t it’ll… it’ll all be okay,” he insisted, taking a sip of his rye and coke although it wouldn’t do a damn thing for him. It helped calm him though, the simple action of it, so she never said a thing. 

“He told me he had the same feeling when you guys landed on the train… the day he died,” she whispered, and if it weren’t for Steve’s super-serum, the glass in his hand would have shattered across the floor. As it was, he only just managed to snatch it out of midair after he’d dropped it, sloshing some of his drink onto the floor. 

“He told you that? That he had a bad feeling about the train?” he demanded, and Kayleigh nodded. 

“Yeah he did. And he had the same feeling the day before they came and got him,” she repeated, eyes glued to the floor to help hide the tears, and Steve let out a hissing noise as he grabbed a towel to clean up the spill with. 

“Goddamn it Buck… I asked him a million and one damn times before that mission if he thought it was good, if he thought we should go through,” Steve was angry, she realized as his arm was tensed and the poor floorboards nearly flexed with the pressure he exerted on them. She stood up, placing her glass on his coffee table before she walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. 

“He always told me if he had a bad feeling about something. If he’d have said it…” 

“Bucky probably thought it was the best chance to get Zola, maybe the only one,” Kayleigh tried to soothe him, rubbing his back as Steve began to shake. “He wouldn’t have given that up.” 

“But he should have said _something_ ,” he insisted, and Steve’s blue eyes turned up to look at her, wracked with guilt. She sat down on the floor beside Steve and pulled his large frame to her, trying to wrap herself around him to comfort him. 

“It wasn’t your fault Steve, you know that. Bucky doesn’t think it’s your fault either,” she whispered, and after a few minutes Steve finally began to calm down.  
“So you think… you think something’s wrong. Really wrong?” he asked, and she nodded. 

“I have a weird feeling about it,” she nodded, and with that Steve stood, tossing the towel down the hall in the general direction of his laundry room before going for his cell phone. He quickly dialed a number, and then connected the call. His eyes never left Kayleigh as he spoke. 

“Sharon? It’s Steve, I have to talk to you about something,” 

-

 

It took another three weeks for Sharon to pull enough strings to get them a visitor’s pass to the facility. Under the guise that Kayleigh needed to meet with Bucky to continue her updated case file on him, Sharon had convinced the right people that they should be allowed to visit. However, it was only for an hour, and they had to visit on separate days. Bucky would be taken from the SHIELD holding facility to a headquarters, so as not to disclose his location, which Steve found odd, but nothing was said. They would get to see him. Even if he had to force a smile and spend an afternoon taking pictures with new SHIELD recruits as part of the deal they’d made Sharon swing. Captain America visiting in good spirits was good publicity.

Steve’s visit went well. He said Bucky looked a little tired, but okay. He’d smiled, he’d joked, he’d asked how everything was going and if Kay was all right. Steve told her that Bucky had nearly hit the ceiling when he explained that Kay would be there to visit the next day. 

“He’s obviously doing all right; he was vain enough to ask if he should beg someone for a haircut before you get there tomorrow,” Steve smirked, and Kayleigh had simply shoved at him, trying to ignore her face turning beet red. Bucky was a goof, but obviously they’d talked about more than what Steve was letting on. 

“You’ll get him back, Kay. He’s doing good,” had been the super-soldier’s reassurance, in the small hotel room in Rhode Island they’d rented to be able to visit. So they’d sat and talked and Steve tried to recount any information that may have been off or could be helpful to the two of them from his time in the facility. It seemed normal, as far as he could tell, and Sharon hadn’t given him any tips that things could be worse for wear. 

“Get some sleep; big day tomorrow,” Steve whispered at her from his bed just two feet from her own, as he’d heard her tossing and turning after they’d turned out the lights. Sleep wouldn’t come easily, she knew, the adrenaline at the thought of finally seeing Bucky again pumping through her. 

“Dr. Stone, here to see Subject Barnes,” the guard announced her arrival, and Kayleigh chewed on her lip to ignore the fact that the man referred to Bucky as a subject as opposed to a person. Instead she gave him a terse nod as an agent arrived to escort her to what Steve had called a ‘reinforced common room’. That was where he’d been taken to visit with Bucky the day before, and Kayleigh wasn’t surprised that it was where she ended up. 

A dull buzzer sounded, and the door at the far end of the room opened. Bucky was led in, wearing a dark grey jumper – not unlike one from a prison – and then he stood patiently as they un-cuffed his hands. The shackles on his ankles remained, and the guard announced it was for Kayleigh’s safety that his movement be at least a little limited. She hated the thought, but the bright expression on Bucky’s face as he looked over to her was enough to forget it for the time being. 

“Kay,” he breathed her name, and in an instant she was wrapped up in his arms, holding him as tight as she possibly could. He smelled different; instead of a musky, almost leathery scent he instead smelled powdery, or like no-name laundry detergent. Obviously they had everything pretty standardized around here. It crossed her mind afterward that Bucky moved quickly enough even with the shackles on his ankles to be dangerous if he really wanted to be.

“Buck I missed you,” her voice was muffled against his chest, and he held on tighter. She could feel his warm breath in her hair as he buried his face also, trying to commit her to memory once again. 

“I missed you so much. It’s a bit lonely in here,” he admitted, before they pulled apart and sat down on the two plastic chairs. Bucky held her hand, and gave it a squeeze, before she realized he had no intentions of letting go once they were seated. It had her blushing a little, but she didn’t make to pull her hand from his grip either. She enjoyed whatever contact she could have with him, having been craving it for months. Especially with the revelations they’d made his last night in the tower.

“Are you kept in isolation?” she asked, and he thought about it for a moment before shrugging. 

“Not really. Not like before,” he told her, his thumb moving over her skin gently, like it was second nature to him. “But I’m the only person being held there, so you know. I mean, I talk to the guards and the agents but it’s not the same. None of them are too concerned with hearing about how I gotta get home to get back to my girl.” 

The joke did make her laugh, and she squeezed his fingers softly before smiling over at him. Her cheeks were pink, but the warmth in her stomach was overriding the embarrassment at his statement. The light was still in his eyes, so things couldn’t have been all bad. He looked like he was muscling up again as well, and Kayleigh was sure it was because he had nothing else to do with his days but work out. 

They visited for a half an hour, Bucky warm and animated as he spoke to her, and having scooted his chair as close as possible to Kay’s without one of them sitting on the other’s lap. She couldn’t object. It was obvious Bucky missed their closeness as much as she did. While he kept hold of her hand, he slung an arm around her shoulders, effectively pressing her shoulder against his chest, and she sighed as she leaned into him; his lips brushing whisper soft against her temple when she spoke about anything exciting or silly that had happened at the Tower in the past few months. It wasn’t until she brought up where he was again, that she noticed he got a little fidgety.

“It’s kind of… different,” he told her, and the small hairs at the nape of Kayleigh’s neck bristled. Bucky’s voice told her something she couldn’t quite grasp, but the fact she hadn’t asked him about it and he was starting this conversation on his own was enough. 

“Oh?” 

“I mean, we did the psych evaluation the second day I was here. There was a physical evaluation, you know, standard stuff. But then, then they spent two weeks trying to figure out how to trigger me. How to turn me. Tried the words, tried old lockdown codes, everything they’d been able to find. Nothing worked, obviously, which is great. But… some of it doesn’t seem like it’s standard holding practice,” he explained, and Kayleigh held onto him harder, trying to hide the shake in her hands. His eyes flicked to something behind her for just an instant, narrowing slightly, before his attention returned to her in full. Something was wrong.

“What are you saying, Buck?” 

“I’m saying, I’m scared that the people holding me here aren’t _trying_ to lock me up,” he whispered, his voice so low Kayleigh could hardly catch it. “It seems like… like they’re _trying_ to get him back.” 

Kayleigh was rocked to her core, like somebody had dumped ice water over her. It couldn’t be true, it couldn’t’ be possible. SHIELD was the good guy; they were supposed to be helping Bucky, not trying to get the Winter Soldier back. 

“Y-you can’t… they can’t…” she couldn’t force the words past her lips, and Bucky was soon shushing her and trying to calm her; his human hand rubbing her back and his metal one tipping her chin up to him. He scooted his chair closer, so that the only distance between them was their legs; his knees pressed against hers as he tried to comfort her without actually pulling her onto his lap. Although, at that point, Kayleigh wouldn’t necessarily have minded being pulled in that tightly to him.

“I’m not saying it is, I’m just saying that’s what it feels like sometimes. I mean, if they were gonna lock me up for good surely that would have been decided by now. I’ve spent three and a half months in this limbo without knowing what’s going on,” his words made sense to Kayleigh, but she wanted with all her heart to know it wasn’t true. But he was right; something didn’t add up. The concrete room they were in, even though it held a small table and a TV in the corner, looked like something from a prison, yet they kept being assured Bucky wasn’t truly a prisoner. He was even wearing a goddamn jumpsuit and was still undergoing tests for the Winter Soldier? 

“Bucky, I’m really scared,” she admitted, and looked up at him, before cupping his cheek with her hand. He was a little scruffy, and the stubble brushed against her palm, almost tickling her. He pressed his lips to the solid flesh of her palm beneath her thumb, and then looked her in the eyes. 

“I can take care of myself, Kay,” 

“This doesn’t feel right, I’m… I’m _scared_ ,” she whispered, and he pressed a kiss to her temple this time, before leaning his forehead against hers and trying to get as close as possible.

“Something’s wrong here and I don’t know what it is,” he whispered, and she heard the words catch in his throat for a second. “I’m… I’m afraid for you, Kay.” 

The words shocked her, and Bucky pulled her in tight, nuzzling his face against her neck to hide the few tears that slipped out and into the hem of her shirt. His breathing was ragged, and she held him tightly as he regained his composure. 

“I’ll be fine, Buck; I have Steve and Natasha and Tony,” she tried to reassure him, but his eyes told her that he’d seen things that even the three Avengers couldn’t handle. That he feared those things for her, somehow. Once again his eyes flicked behind her, and this time they widened before returning to meet hers.

“I need you to go, Kay. Get back to Steve, get back to the tower,” his voice was hoarse, and it grabbed Kayleigh’s insides, flooding terror into her. 

“Bucky—”

“Kay you have to, the longer you’re here, the worse the feeling gets. I think you’re in danger,” he told her, then pressed a searing kiss to her lips. She melted against him, and all too quickly he pulled away, his lips brushing the tip of her nose before he put her at arm’s length, his eyes roaming her face once again. 

“I’ll come back for you Kay, I’ll always come back,” he whispered, and then hugged her tightly. “But please get somewhere safe.” 

“Okay. I’ll miss you Buck,” she whispered against his chest. His lips were pressed to the top of her head for an instant before he stepped away again. 

“I’ll miss you too, Kay,” Bucky’s tired smile met her, and with that she forced herself to walk to the door and knock on it as Bucky had asked. The guard who had escorted Bucky in was at the far door as well, and without a word Bucky walked over to him and held out his hands for the shackles, his blue eyes never leaving Kayleigh once. The door in front of her opened, and all she saw were Bucky’s eyes widening in horror before everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of Rediscovering Bucky Barnes - sometimes I really can't believe I've got here!
> 
> It's not totally ending in a cliff hanger, I promise; there's a sequel in the works! I just couldn't find a way to tie off the story that satisfied what I felt like I still needed to explore but still 'fit' into what had gone on in this story (if that makes sense, does that make sense? I'm not sure), and so the sequel will explore what's happened after all of this, but the story will be mainly from Bucky's point of view. 
> 
> So I really hope you've enjoyed this story and will continue on with me to the next chapter of Bucky - it should be up next week before I leave for a California road trip (So excited for that it's not even funny!) and thank you guys so much for the support and wonderful comments that have helped me continue writing, and I'm SO SO SORRY TO LEAVE THIS STORY THIS WAY BUT IT WILL MAKE SENSE IN THE SECOND ONE I PROMISE!


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